To think sleeping on a bare mattress is just, well, wrong?

[BedlinenDrama]

My "D"P and I have been together for five years ish, and moved into my old flat together last autumn ahead of a move overseas next year. We have very different waking/sleeping times due to our work schedules, so we have separate bedrooms for weeknights (then at weekends we'll often sleep in "my" bedroom ifyswim). As a result, the move-in meant that I relinquished my private office in the flat and turned it into his bedroom - I arranged for (and paid for - he's on a low income) delivery of a full new suite of bedroom furniture, new mattress etc. to turn my former office into his bedroom.

I realised a couple of weeks ago that DP has been sleeping on this now-6-months-old mattress without any sheets on - I'd never really twigged before, but when I started to look closely at it, it was absolutely disgusting. Filthily grubby, covered in bobbles where his pajamas had obviously rubbed against it. We had words (apart from it being truly vile, in my eyes, I've now got no chance of recouping any of the costs I paid for it by selling it on second hand) and he promised to use a sheet going forward. We have a laundry cupboard full of bedlinen, but I bought another new sheet so he could feel it was "his" to use in the future.

I've just stepped into his room because he was having a coughing fit and... no sheet. I'm furious.

So, Mumsnet...
AIBU to dictate DP's bedlinen use when it's not really hurting anyone?

Yes - let the poor man sleep however he wants!
No - protect the mattress at all costs!

YABU to think it's ok to 'recoup' your costs from a manky mattress. Does everyone buy furniture with re-sale in mind or is it just me that thinks that's definitely unreasonable? Especially bedding. Yuk.

It is disgusting, I often do child protection home visits and sadly many children sleep on bare mattress with pillows and duvets without covers. That and seeing young kids on Sat morning in their school uniform as they had fallen asleep in them and no one has put them to bath and bed makes me so sad and cross. Perhaps he had a neglectful childhood, but no excuses he needs to use one now.

I just had another thought as well.

Typically, pillowcases should be changed every other day, due to the amount of sweat, saliva and grease (yes, even from newly washed hair).

I really hope this fella is using pillowcases and also, is good in bed, because I feel that OP should be getting something from this arrangement, other than soiled mattresses and questionable standards of hygiene!

I chucked my ex out once when I came home after a late shift and found him asleep on the bare mattress. I'd stripped the bed before work and left the clean bedding on the bed for him to do. The clean bedding was on the floor. He couldn't understand why I was so furious - lazy git!

He sounds like a child that you have to pay for and nag to not be disgusting.

The only thing I can think of (and it's a bit of a stretch) which does fit with the wrinkled sheet issue, is that he might have sensory issues. What happened before he moved in? Did you not stay over at his at all? Did he do this in his own place?

The only reason I say this is that my daughter is autistic with a lot of sensory issues . When she was younger (primary age) she went through periods when she refused to sleep in a bed at all so I had all her bedding (plus every blanket and spare duvet I owned) built into a sort of nest that she would sleep in on the floor. No matter what I did, for these brief periods nothing on earth would persuade her to sleep on a proper bed.

Even when she agreed to sleep back in her bed, I would sometimes come in in the morning and find all her bedding on the floor with her in the middle of it. (On the plus side, it helped me get a diagnosis because she was very clear with anyone who asked, that I was very unreasonable for expecting her to sleep anywhere other than the floor!)

But...As a teen, she very frequently takes the sheets off her bed in the middle of the night and dumps them in the hallway or in the bathroom. When I ask her why she says she doesn't want them and that once she has moved around on the sheets, they are wrinkled and she can't stand the feeling. This has caused no end of problems because as fast as I put them back on, she would take them off.

Now our compromise is that I put a clean, fresh, unwrinkled sheet on the mattress every evening before bed. To be honest it's a pain, but having recognised that this seems to be a genuine sensory issue for her, at the moment this is what we do. But as I say, she is definitely autistic and also a kid.

So that might be an issue? Or on the other hand, he might just be slovenly...

Beds/mattresses aren’t things that you sell in my opinion you use them then they go to the tip, my marital is giving up the ghost after 14 years good service
All you are saving is your blushes when it is propped up outside your property waiting to be taken by the council , I threw one out that was NOT mine from previous house owner it had huge multiple blood stains - thankful it went quickly

This is intolerably squalid.
I’m not fussy - I used to sleep in a dog bed - but this is crossing a line.

The only time I have seen a bare mattress being slept upon has been in the squalid reporting conditions of neglected children.

He has filthy personal habits.
You have been warned.

He doesn't look after and keep stuff clean, he doesn't look after and keep your stuff clean.

You need to decide if this is ok...... its not.

Mattress protectors and sheets are essential because you can wash them regularly and you can't wash a mattress.

The relationship seems unbalanced though. You arranging and paying for all the bedroom furniture. You having to ask him to do things around the house when he should be doing stuff. It seems a bit mothering. Are you sure he's the one for you?