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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think sleeping on a bare mattress is just, well, wrong?

161 replies

BedlinenDrama · 12/04/2022 02:54

My "D"P and I have been together for five years ish, and moved into my old flat together last autumn ahead of a move overseas next year. We have very different waking/sleeping times due to our work schedules, so we have separate bedrooms for weeknights (then at weekends we'll often sleep in "my" bedroom ifyswim). As a result, the move-in meant that I relinquished my private office in the flat and turned it into his bedroom - I arranged for (and paid for - he's on a low income) delivery of a full new suite of bedroom furniture, new mattress etc. to turn my former office into his bedroom.

I realised a couple of weeks ago that DP has been sleeping on this now-6-months-old mattress without any sheets on - I'd never really twigged before, but when I started to look closely at it, it was absolutely disgusting. Filthily grubby, covered in bobbles where his pajamas had obviously rubbed against it. We had words (apart from it being truly vile, in my eyes, I've now got no chance of recouping any of the costs I paid for it by selling it on second hand) and he promised to use a sheet going forward. We have a laundry cupboard full of bedlinen, but I bought another new sheet so he could feel it was "his" to use in the future.

I've just stepped into his room because he was having a coughing fit and... no sheet. I'm furious.

So, Mumsnet...
AIBU to dictate DP's bedlinen use when it's not really hurting anyone?

Yes - let the poor man sleep however he wants!
No - protect the mattress at all costs!

OP posts:
Mummadeze · 12/04/2022 08:22

I wouldn’t be happy about a) having separate bedrooms or b) him taking the piss by not respecting the mattress you bought. It is not okay at all to sully the mattress, they are expensive!

mydogisthebest · 12/04/2022 08:23

@diddl

Sheets "ruck up"?

He must be really shit at making beds then!

I think at age 68 I know how to make a bed and sheets definitely do ruck up.

Some of you must barely move in your sleep

dollymuchymuchness · 12/04/2022 08:25

LTB

sqirrelfriends · 12/04/2022 08:27

Oh this would put me off.

Mattresses are so hard to clean that ideally there should be a mattress protector as well. It says a lot that he is wilfully ruining what you bought him.

NoWordForFluffy · 12/04/2022 08:27

I move loads. My sheet doesn't ruck up. 🤷‍♀️

Terfydactyl · 12/04/2022 08:28

@Gwlondon

Sorry he has done that to a new mattress. I think you are going to have to put a mattress protector and bed linen on. Also you will have to wash it, because he won’t.

Maybe he hasn’t used fitted sheets before? Maybe his mum used flat sheets and he couldn’t make a bed with them that stayed put. Tight corners.

Again with the OP having to fix the issue. No, he will have to sort it out.
Chloemol · 12/04/2022 08:29

Sorry gross. Mattress protector, then sheet on top

I would be asking him to replace the mattress and use it correctly

JustDanceAddict · 12/04/2022 08:30

That’s grim! DS (teen) has done it a couple of times when his sheets have been changed and he cba to put the sheet on before bed. I soon put paid to that!!
Could you put a sheet on the bed (turn the mattress first) - would he object to that?
Does he have any other grim habits.
Agree w a PP who says men don’t change & she is right, in fact their annoying habits get more irritating so please consider that.

KosherDill · 12/04/2022 08:47

@sqirrelfriends

Oh this would put me off.

Mattresses are so hard to clean that ideally there should be a mattress protector as well. It says a lot that he is wilfully ruining what you bought him.

This.

What are his good qualities? Minging moocher isn't sounding very attractive.

I use mattress protector, then soft mattress topper/pad, then a plain white fitted sheet - all under the actual bed linens that get changed at least weekly.

Pokkadots · 12/04/2022 08:48

Social workers check children's beds to make sure they have sheets etc. I know he is an adult but it is grim.

WisherWood · 12/04/2022 08:54

See, this is his argument, too - if it's just as unhygienic to not use a sheet, and he finds it much more pleasant to do so (for reasons I haven't fully worked out - something about the sheet being uncomfortable to lie on when it gets a bit rucked up?), why shouldn't he? It's definitely food for thought!

If you went to a hotel and they'd left sheets off the mattresses and told you it was fine, because sheets also get dirty and don't really protect the mattress anyway, would you go along with it? Or would you just go to a hotel that puts sheets on?

I use a sheet and a mattress protector. From time to time I vacuum the mattress and I am definitely towards the skankier end in the MN hygiene stakes. And I also noticed the extent to which you're trying to educate and direct him. It's not just the mattress on its own - it's the fact that you will always be in this dynamic of you being the hygienic one and him being the one you're trying to train. I'd hate that.

billy1966 · 12/04/2022 08:55

There is simply no excuse for this.

Whatever mask he is maintaining, at his core he is filthy and unbelievably.

He has ruined a mattress he never paid for.

What hole in the ground did he emerge from to have been reared to be so dirty?

I don't think you know this guy.

How you missed it for 6 months is extraordinary.

I would get the complete Ick.

Regularsizedrudy · 12/04/2022 08:59

Why are you bankrolling this tramp? Seriously how can you have sex with someone you are basically acting as mummy to 🤮

ReadyToMoveIt · 12/04/2022 09:04

@Chouetted

Logically, I'm not sure it's much more grubby than using a bedsheet - doesn't sweat etc go through it?
But you take the bedsheet off and wash it regularly. You can’t wash the mattress, so you’re lying on a dirty surface every night.
incognitoforthisone · 12/04/2022 09:12

I don't buy his argument that he feels more comfortable on a bed with no sheet. He seems to be fine with sleeping on a sheet when he shares your bed.

I'm guessing that before you moved in together, you must have stayed over at his place sometimes? Did he have a sheet on his bed then?!

I'll level with you: I am not someone who frets much about hygiene at all, but to me this seems really gross. And it is not 'just as unhygienic' to use a sheet - a sheet can be changed regularly so you're sleeping on something clean. Sleeping on the bare mattress is equivalent to sleeping on the same sheet for ever, without ever washing it. A sheet gets a bit sweaty and manky so you stick it in the washing machine and put clean one on now and again. If you're using a bare mattress you're just lying on a patina of sweat, oils and dead skin for eternity.

violetbunny · 12/04/2022 09:17

This is such a disgusting turn off he would never get sex from me again.
I hope he's a stallion in bed to make up for his minging ways OP EnvyConfused

rc22 · 12/04/2022 09:20

I don't think he's the man for you OP

Original poster
BedlinenDrama · 12/04/2022 09:22

Well, I'm relieved that I'm not some sort of bedlinen obsessive with jumped-up ideas about the importance of sheets!

I promise I'm not a sloppy slattern who rolls around in a filthy home and was just blind to the absent bedding! The lay-out of our flat means that "his" room is tucked away and I really have zero reason to go in there - it's just a fairly minimalist place for him to sleep when our work schedules are completely offset. And then on the occasions when I did go in, I occasionally noticed that there wasn't a sheet on the bed but it never crossed my mind that he'd be actually sleeping like that!

I think those of you who say it's harking back to student/bachelor days might be right - he's in the final stages of a postgraduate qualification at present (he returned to uni later in life after a period in the "real" world), so I wonder if that's triggered some long-buried habits from when he was an 18-year-old fresher?

No matter the underlying reason, though, it's fairly clear in my mind that it's unacceptable, unhygienic and disrespectful - and I'm so glad that the rest of Mumsnet seems to agree!

OP posts:
Lalliella · 12/04/2022 09:22

That’s disgusting.

It’s disrespectful of your stuff.

And it’s disrespectful of you.

muddyford · 12/04/2022 09:23

Our mattress is eight years old. It has a mattress protector, fitted undersheet and the sheet I change weekly on top of that. The mattress is like new. Some men are gross in their personal habits.

SingleMomDevon · 12/04/2022 09:24

I would pay to get the mattress cleaned, and show him the filth that comes out to prove your point. Then it would be mattress protector and sheet or he's out. He should also be repaying you for the mattress before he leaves.

You can get clips and corner things to keep sheets in the right place.

TBH if he was my DP, it would be a deal breaker as he sounds like he has no personal hygiene standards.

CambsAlways · 12/04/2022 09:25

I think it’s disgusting! Reminds me of someone living in a squat

Heythere13 · 12/04/2022 09:25

@SingleMomDevon

I would pay to get the mattress cleaned, and show him the filth that comes out to prove your point. Then it would be mattress protector and sheet or he's out. He should also be repaying you for the mattress before he leaves.

You can get clips and corner things to keep sheets in the right place.

TBH if he was my DP, it would be a deal breaker as he sounds like he has no personal hygiene standards.

How would you “show him” And why on earth would YOU pay?
Regularsizedrudy · 12/04/2022 09:29

So you think it’s unacceptable, unhygienic and disrespectful - but you’re still going to bankroll him and sleep with him. He saw you coming.

Heythere13 · 12/04/2022 09:31

Anyone who puts “D” in quotation marks… well, enough said really. Dead in the water

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