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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think sleeping on a bare mattress is just, well, wrong?

161 replies

BedlinenDrama · 12/04/2022 02:54

My "D"P and I have been together for five years ish, and moved into my old flat together last autumn ahead of a move overseas next year. We have very different waking/sleeping times due to our work schedules, so we have separate bedrooms for weeknights (then at weekends we'll often sleep in "my" bedroom ifyswim). As a result, the move-in meant that I relinquished my private office in the flat and turned it into his bedroom - I arranged for (and paid for - he's on a low income) delivery of a full new suite of bedroom furniture, new mattress etc. to turn my former office into his bedroom.

I realised a couple of weeks ago that DP has been sleeping on this now-6-months-old mattress without any sheets on - I'd never really twigged before, but when I started to look closely at it, it was absolutely disgusting. Filthily grubby, covered in bobbles where his pajamas had obviously rubbed against it. We had words (apart from it being truly vile, in my eyes, I've now got no chance of recouping any of the costs I paid for it by selling it on second hand) and he promised to use a sheet going forward. We have a laundry cupboard full of bedlinen, but I bought another new sheet so he could feel it was "his" to use in the future.

I've just stepped into his room because he was having a coughing fit and... no sheet. I'm furious.

So, Mumsnet...
AIBU to dictate DP's bedlinen use when it's not really hurting anyone?

Yes - let the poor man sleep however he wants!
No - protect the mattress at all costs!

OP posts:
SucculentChalice · 12/04/2022 09:34

As a result, the move-in meant that I relinquished my private office in the flat and turned it into his bedroom - I arranged for (and paid for - he's on a low income) delivery of a full new suite of bedroom furniture, new mattress etc. to turn my former office into his bedroom.

I can't get past all that you've paid for to enable this man to move into your home. What do you get out of this? Is he extremely good looking or something? I once had a fairly horrible boyfriend, but I put up with him because he was beautiful (but even he owned his own place and was clean).

Anyway, fitted sheets if he has a problem with sheets rucking up. But he sounds more like a housemate that you shag than a live in partner.

Does he pay you a reasonable rent? Please tell me you aren't providing him with free accommodation during his postgrad as well as free furniture.

silverbubbles · 12/04/2022 09:35

yuk - sounds like a tramp

Y7drama · 12/04/2022 09:40

@AgentProvocateur

I’ve got very very low standards compared to the rest of MN, but this really grosses me out for some reason. Dirty mattresses 🤮🤮
Absolutely this. Low standards but this is vile.
Gerwurtztraminer · 12/04/2022 09:41

Google how much body fluid a human loses whilst asleep - really revolting. Average 285ml per night! Plus skin flakes of over 450g per year. Urgghh. And mattresses can store nasty bugs including staphylococcus & MHRA.

I've always used thick mattress protectors washed regularly on a high heat, and pillow protectors too (all that greasy hair, ugh). The mattress will definitely need a thorough hoover and steam clean - preferably with a professional cleaner.

If he can't accept your point of view and keeps arguing it's OK, then he's being very disrespectful

Fitted sheets don't 'ruck up' that much either - stupid excuse for being lazy & disgusting.

Ducksurprise · 12/04/2022 09:48

I thought I should nc because I'm obviously so out of touch but I couldn't get worked up about it. Sheets don't stop the body fluid leaking through and only waterproof protectors really stop fluid leaking through. As long as I didnt have to share it with him I wouldn't care.

However is this just one weird quirk (Does he now use non metal utensils) or is this just the tip of the iceberg

LBFseBrom · 12/04/2022 09:50

It's not nice but a mattress can be steam cleaned so don't worry too much. You would hardly be selling it anyway, surely, you bought it for a purpose.

Get a mattress cover, put it on and make the bed up, then leave it to him to do after that.

PotatoFamily · 12/04/2022 09:52

Sleeping on bare beds is absolutely minging. Was he neglected as a child? It’s what children from chaotic neglectful homes see as normal.

GertrudeCB · 12/04/2022 10:00

Jesus, that is minging.

Just think of all the dust mites there must be !

ShepherdMoons · 12/04/2022 10:06

I think unless you are out of sheets for some reason or there's been an accident in the bed in the night (children wetting bed) it is a bit odd to sleep just on the mattress!

I have had to do it on occasion due to us laundering the sheets and them not being dry enough but it's a fairly rare occurrence.

thinkfast · 12/04/2022 10:06

Wow. I thought it was standard to sleep on a mattress that's covered by a mattress protector and then a sheet, both of which should be washed and changed regularly.

I don't understand why you are the one buying everything. What contribution is he making to the relationship OP?

Snog · 12/04/2022 10:08

I would ask him to dispose of the current mattress and buy a new one and also a mattress protector.

This is really not normal behaviour and I'd find it pretty disgusting.

Snog · 12/04/2022 10:09

Just to be clear I mean for HIM to buy a new mattress OP.

Kennykenkencat · 12/04/2022 10:12

This isn’t about laziness or being dirty or sheets not being comfortable. This is about respect.
He doesn’t respect your things and deep down he doesn’t respect you.

Do you think if he was with someone he really really wanted to be with and was scared that he might lose. Do you think he would be sleeping on a bare mattress in his own filth. Or would he be making sure he gave the impression of a normal hygienic human being with sheets and duvets and mattress and pillow protectors on the bed and remembering to use wooden spoons in the non stick pans.
Do you think she would have to ask twice.

SmellyOldOwls · 12/04/2022 10:13

@Sweetpeasaremadeofcheese

Ew. Sleeping like a junkie in a squat. He sure appreciates your hard earned money being spent on his mattress, doesn't he?
Oh for goodness sake 😅
Badfootkk · 12/04/2022 10:14

It is totally an alien concept to me. I literally can't imagine sleeping on a bare mattress. I would put towels down or anything. I remember watching a TV programme about a family who were struggling and a social worker was called in. They went in to the bedrooms and yep no bottom sheets on the beds and I felt for the kids. It felt like they were unloved, uncared for .... Just because no bottom sheet ! ( And I know that probably says more about me than the parents , but that is what a bottom sheet means to me !).

JellyBunny · 12/04/2022 10:18

It's a bit grim.

My DH started doing this for a bit. I have a sofa bed in my office and DH got into a habit of sleeping on it almost every night without using a sheet. He often had his day clothes on but they were dirty too sometimes from gardening or being out with the dogs.

I told him he can use the sofa bed but needs to use a sheet. It was an expensive piece of furniture I had paid for to use in my office yet he thought I was being controlling by asking him not to ruin it.

Kennykenkencat · 12/04/2022 10:24

@ShepherdMoons

I think unless you are out of sheets for some reason or there's been an accident in the bed in the night (children wetting bed) it is a bit odd to sleep just on the mattress!

I have had to do it on occasion due to us laundering the sheets and them not being dry enough but it's a fairly rare occurrence.

We have on occasion run out of sheets when dc were little and they had several accidents in the night Even then I would put down a big blanket to act as a base sheet at one stage towels were all we had left.

Even though the house stank of vomit and poo (ended up bagging the piles of sheets and duvets up and putting them in a bin bag outside the back door) there was always something between child and mattress
It is gross just thinking about it.
All that dead skin and mites. 🤮 🤮 🤮
And someone is choosing to lie down on it all.

I would start to wonder what other gross habits he has.

Spray vinegar on the mattress. Let it dry them sprinkle bicarbonate of soda over the mattress then hoover off and that should be done just to kill off and get rid of the bare minimum.

Longdistance · 12/04/2022 10:27

Flip the mattress. Put in a mattress protector and fitted sheets, then become his mother as he clearly can’t look after himself.
Is he a cocklodger? Buying furniture for ‘his bedroom’ and he earns less. Is he paying his way?

billy1966 · 12/04/2022 10:33

@Spanielsarepainless

Our mattress is eight years old. It has a mattress protector, fitted undersheet and the sheet I change weekly on top of that. The mattress is like new. Some men are gross in their personal habits.
Same here.

These have kept expensive 25 year old mattresses perfect.

Benjispruce4 · 12/04/2022 10:34

My teens would sometimes do this when I’d put fresh bedding in their room for them to make their bed (trying to make them independent etc) and I’d go in a couple of days later to find that they’d been sleeping on the uncovered bed under an uncovered duvet and pillow!! Yuk! They are now old enough (21) to know better. Your DP should’ve brown put of student ways by now!

Benjispruce4 · 12/04/2022 10:35

*grown out of

Lynnthesearesexnotgenderpeople · 12/04/2022 10:35

I'm a slattern but I always think one of the absolute basics is cleanish sheets on the bed. As Pp said, logically I don't know it gives tonnes of protection against sweat etc, after all it's only a thin sheet, but how could anyone sleep on a bare mattress. I know a couple where the husband sleeps separately for various reasons and he doesn't have sheets on the bed either, it's gross!

melj1213 · 12/04/2022 11:27

I get sleeping on a bare mattress as a one off or if you've run out of sheets due to sickness/children having accidents and it's the middle of the night but as a regular thing it is really grim. If he spills something it is going to go directly onto the mattress - sheets aren't going to stop everything getting to the mattress but if you spill a glass of juice in bed then most of it will be absorbed by the sheet to give you time to get it off the bed before it soaks into the mattress.

I've slept on a bare mattress when I moved house and thought I had my bedding in my "first night" box, spent the day unpacking, had a shower and then opened the first night box to get out fresh PJs and the bedding to find that I had duvet, pillows, duvet and pillow cases just no bottom sheet. By this point I was too exhausted to care so just slept on the mattress for that one night but first thing in the morning I was searching through boxes for sheets for that night.

diddl · 12/04/2022 11:37

So when you share a bed, he's happy enough to sleep on the bottom sheet that you wash & put on the bed?

If so, sleeping on a sheet obviously doesn't bother him that much does it?

NoCleverNickname · 12/04/2022 11:49

I have lived in various countries in my life, both with family members, singularly and married.

Off the top of my head, I cannot think of one country that used nothing but rather where at least a bottom sheet was used. In fact, so common was it to use a mattress protector, a bottom sheet and a top sheet between you and the duvet (in a cover)/blanket with coverlet above, that this is how, many decades later, I still have all the beds! And I used a mattress protector, bottom sheet, top sheet, duvet (in a cover) with all of my children. And I wash bedding twice per week. But duvet cover fortnightly as there's a sheet between it and me.

Call me too nice in my ideals but this would be a deal breaker, along with the fact the he can't see how unhygienic it is! Sheets are washed, thus keeping the mattress clean(er) than bare bodies or pyjama'd bodies against it!

Another point, if wearing night clothes plus a sheet, the mattress is then afforded even more protection.

Nope, this man is grubby and I wonder how often he showers or bathes!