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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband wants me and DD out of the house

211 replies

chilltime18 · 11/04/2022 16:43

So, my husband and I have separated over a year ago but continued to live in the same house without speaking for a few months until he went abroad (to his home country) last summer. I didn't know why he wanted to separate. He refused to speak to me or explain anything. But, many, many months later, I found out (by coincidence and not from him) he cheated with multiple women whilst on holiday and even brought a woman back with him but stayed in a different city (he paid for her hotel, flights etc.) Ever since he's been away, he only came back to the UK twice and stayed for a week each time. We have a 4 year old DD. Initially for the first 4 months, he didn't message or call to ask about her whatsoever. But, since Feb when I told his mum, I'm divorcing him and will not leave the house until the divorce is finalised, he's been messaging and arranging to call her. (although he rarely calls at arranged times, always a few days late)
He messaged me today , telling me he is coming to the UK next week with a friend who's staying with him for a couple of days and I need to take our toddler and stay at my parents' home. He also said, he would like to see DD when his friend leaves. Am I supposed to leave and give him space for a few days? He owns the house and has been paying for the mortgage and bills for the duration of our marriage even when, now, he is away. I have been doing all the food shopping, cleaning and looking after DD all the time. When I found out he cheated, I put a home rights notice on the property to protect myself and DD.

I am not sure what to say to him. Am I being unreasonable for not wanting to go and stay with my parents. I suppose his friend could always book a hotel or not come all together. He's never invited any of his friends to the UK and since we've been married none have ever come to visit him.

OP posts:
DifficultBloodyWoman · 12/04/2022 01:23

@Notinthemoodforthis

I’m in utter shock at reading all these comments. It’s HIS house, pays for everything without using it and everyone is trying to teach this woman how to take what’s not hers. He won’t take your child, OP. I think he proved loud and clear he’s not interested in you or her or anything to do with this marriage. Imagine for a moment she’s a man before giving her advice. Jesus, just move out and start providing for yourself already. You’re like one of those irritating tenants who won’t pay any rent, but won’t leave the property until the courts and bailiffs throw her out.
They are MARRIED. It is THEIR house. Legally, morally, ethically and all!
blisstwins · 12/04/2022 01:26

@HelebethH

Please Make sure he has no plans to take his daughter back to his home country. I would make sure I was present at all times during contact.
And do not leave the house. He is not a good man and you need a lawyer.
Original poster
chilltime18 · 12/04/2022 01:31

He's paying for the mortgage as it's money he will get back once the house is sold, unlike CM.

With regards to bills, they're not that much. He has a well-paid job, a business which i worked very hard to help him set up, he took all the financial gain from it, which was pretty decent. He is also, mostly likely claiming benefits in Spain. They have no proof of his employment in the UK. He also doesn't pay any rent as if he's not living with his mum, he is most defintely getting the equivelant of housing benefit over there.

OP posts:
Original poster
chilltime18 · 12/04/2022 01:56

I haven't initiated divorce earlier, as I was sick for a while and found managing my illness, childcare, my uni degree and job all a bit too much. It was a very difficult time for me. I wouldn't have coped with the added stress of a divorce.

OP posts:
Marvellousmadness · 12/04/2022 02:08

So ... its his house. He pays the full morgage.

Your marriage ended a year ago and you are still living in HIS house.
Rediculous... move out already.

Nat6999 · 12/04/2022 02:09

Have you a very large male friend who can be there with you when he comes? I know you can't change the locks but there is nothing stopping you adding an extra lock to make you feel safe. Get a solicitor ASAP & do your detective work, find as much about his finances as you can & make sure you have your own bank account & everything you get paid on to it, have you claimed Universal Credit or checked if you can claim?

WTF475878237NC · 12/04/2022 02:14

I wish there was a report option for idiots. As if OP is going to move out because YOU have told her to.

nozbottheblue · 12/04/2022 02:14

Sorry OP but I can't think of any innocent reason why he would want you and dad to move out if the house temporarily. You need legal advice quickly.

TheSmallAssassin · 12/04/2022 02:18

@Marvellousmadness

So ... its his house. He pays the full morgage.

Your marriage ended a year ago and you are still living in HIS house.
Rediculous... move out already.

No, it's their house if they are still married.
Jux · 12/04/2022 02:21

How many bedrooms are there? However many, put a lock on your door, so he can sleep in the spare room or on the sofa.

Could your mum, or a friend come and stay at the same time he does, just to help keep a lid on things? Presumably he wouldn't kick off in front of your mum, or indeed his lady-friend (if that's who he's bringing with him).

Let him know that you'll be staying in the house, he can use the spare room/sofa, your mum/friend will be staying at that time, coincidence, can't be helped etc.

WiddlinDiddlin · 12/04/2022 04:55

@SingleMomDevon

It really isn't.

If she changes the locks or refuses keys or access, he can go to the police, it is HIS house, and she would be denying him access to HIS property. She can't claim he is a risk to her and the child, he hasn't physically attacked or abused either of them (unless there is a massive drip feed), so theres no reason for him not to be given access as far as the law is concerned.

If she refuses to allow him keys, he may well force the issue, and not give her the keys back when he inevitably gets hold of them (which again, he will because it is his house and he can't legally be denied access to his property).

He may try to break in, he may call the police when he is on the doorstep and cause a nasty scene in front of the OP's DC, he may even get violent... who knows.

By providing him with the absolute bare minimum, a single key, she stays the right side of the law, and retains HER keys much more easily - he has no valid reason to take them.

By ensuring she and someone else remain in the property at all times, shes safe and prevents him locking her out and changing the locks - which, as everyone on here is advising her to do, he'd actually have marginally more right to do than she has... as it is HIS property, and he can easily prove that!

Flickflak · 12/04/2022 05:38

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Marvellousmadness · 12/04/2022 05:45

Imagine this thread when it was the other way around...
Sexism is strong in this thread Confused

WTF475878237NC · 12/04/2022 05:51

It isn't sexist to be aware of or highlight risks related to sex based violence, intimidation and threats.

Put simply, far fewer women compared to men disappear for a year like this, and then make their spouse feel afraid they may lash out, fewer women disappear with a child. It's all for you to see if you come over onto the FWR boards.

MRex · 12/04/2022 06:28

@Marvellousmadness

Imagine this thread when it was the other way around... Sexism is strong in this thread Confused
Your premise is that a mum who left her DD, then wanted to make the DD homeless along with dad, would get a good reception on AIBU. Have you been here?
IncompleteSenten · 12/04/2022 08:37

@Marvellousmadness

Imagine this thread when it was the other way around... Sexism is strong in this thread Confused
The other way round? A woman tells her husband, who is primary carer for their child to get himself and their child out of the house for when she returns with her 'friend'?

How do you think that thread would go? Because I think she'd get absolutely crucified for not being the one taking full time care of her child.

I'd love to hear what you think would be said. I really would.

SingleMomDevon · 12/04/2022 08:49

[quote WiddlinDiddlin]@SingleMomDevon

It really isn't.

If she changes the locks or refuses keys or access, he can go to the police, it is HIS house, and she would be denying him access to HIS property. She can't claim he is a risk to her and the child, he hasn't physically attacked or abused either of them (unless there is a massive drip feed), so theres no reason for him not to be given access as far as the law is concerned.

If she refuses to allow him keys, he may well force the issue, and not give her the keys back when he inevitably gets hold of them (which again, he will because it is his house and he can't legally be denied access to his property).

He may try to break in, he may call the police when he is on the doorstep and cause a nasty scene in front of the OP's DC, he may even get violent... who knows.

By providing him with the absolute bare minimum, a single key, she stays the right side of the law, and retains HER keys much more easily - he has no valid reason to take them.

By ensuring she and someone else remain in the property at all times, shes safe and prevents him locking her out and changing the locks - which, as everyone on here is advising her to do, he'd actually have marginally more right to do than she has... as it is HIS property, and he can easily prove that![/quote]
From a police point of view, they wouldn't get involved if someone had lost their own keys, so she's not denying him anything. You don't have to give your own keys up. I'm not saying she should change the locks.

What she needs to do is put her daughter first. Everyone is assuming he is bringing back a female. What if he is bringing back a male friend to help Intimidate her.
I wouldn't let him and his unknown friend stay over for the sake and welfare of her child.

SawnWood · 12/04/2022 09:42

Don’t leave, and get a friend or family member to come and stay or call in every day he is here. You do not need to get extra keys cut.

And @Marvellousmadness is just trolling to stir up anger. It’s their house as married and both contributed until it’s split in the divorce.

FreeefireRegina · 12/04/2022 10:29

I think your instincts have been triggered for a reason. Have you started the divorce proceedings? If not do it now so you retain some control. Also ask your solicitor if there is a simple injunction that can stop your husband taking your daughter abroad without your permission. Start keeping a journal of his contacts with his daughter (when, where, how long) to demonstrate a pattern of lack of interest. This will be useful when it comes to custody and visitation. Do let him see your daughter (you do not want to be accused of obstructing) but always in a supervised manner. Explain to him he has such limited contact with her she might be scared, uncertain about being on her own. You need good legal advice and start your own journey, for your sake and the one of your daughter. Good luck.

billy1966 · 12/04/2022 10:38

They are married, the house is a shared asset.
He has left all childcare to his wife.

OP, can you find any paperwork regarding the business that you helped set up?

You need to get a share of the business too.

You do not owe him anything for paying the morgage on the family home for his child.

Do not give him anything he doesn't deserve.

Get legal advice.

JustLyra · 12/04/2022 10:41

@Marvellousmadness

So ... its his house. He pays the full morgage.

Your marriage ended a year ago and you are still living in HIS house.
Rediculous... move out already.

That’s a ridiculously poor attempt at being a twat
JustLyra · 12/04/2022 10:43

@chilltime18

It does seem suspicious. He also just messaged now to say he apparently lost his keys and needs me to make him key cuts for his brother to collect before his arrival.

I am not sure what he is planning to do. He said he wants me and DD out of the house, and then presumably return when his friend leaves. I made it clear to him and his mum on previous occasions, I am not leaving the house, until I am legally obliged to. But, now he is asking me to leave for a few days, which he has never asked before.

I’d be dubious he’s coming at all

Quite possible when you give the brother the keys he’ll change the locks after you leave and try sell the house from under you as he doesn’t know about your rights notice.

comfortablyfrumpy · 12/04/2022 10:51

@Marvellousmadness

So ... its his house. He pays the full morgage.

Your marriage ended a year ago and you are still living in HIS house.
Rediculous... move out already.

I think we have found the husband....

No, it is the marital home. Regardless whose name is on the deeds. The child of the marriage (whose needs are priority) lives there with the only parent who is actually parenting.

Hmum0fthree · 12/04/2022 10:52

Definitely do not leave and ring 111 so the police are aware of his behaviour, you never know how violent he may become if you refuse to go!

2catsandhappy · 12/04/2022 10:58

This 'friend' could be gf, solicitor, locksmith, agent from a court, or just a friend for support/witness.
I would stay in the house with my own support/witness.
Nothing iffy about giving him a copy of the key.
Quite possibly you might think about getting new locks the day he goes back.