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Original poster

Husband wants me and DD out of the house

211 replies

chilltime18 · 11/04/2022 16:43

So, my husband and I have separated over a year ago but continued to live in the same house without speaking for a few months until he went abroad (to his home country) last summer. I didn't know why he wanted to separate. He refused to speak to me or explain anything. But, many, many months later, I found out (by coincidence and not from him) he cheated with multiple women whilst on holiday and even brought a woman back with him but stayed in a different city (he paid for her hotel, flights etc.) Ever since he's been away, he only came back to the UK twice and stayed for a week each time. We have a 4 year old DD. Initially for the first 4 months, he didn't message or call to ask about her whatsoever. But, since Feb when I told his mum, I'm divorcing him and will not leave the house until the divorce is finalised, he's been messaging and arranging to call her. (although he rarely calls at arranged times, always a few days late)
He messaged me today , telling me he is coming to the UK next week with a friend who's staying with him for a couple of days and I need to take our toddler and stay at my parents' home. He also said, he would like to see DD when his friend leaves. Am I supposed to leave and give him space for a few days? He owns the house and has been paying for the mortgage and bills for the duration of our marriage even when, now, he is away. I have been doing all the food shopping, cleaning and looking after DD all the time. When I found out he cheated, I put a home rights notice on the property to protect myself and DD.

I am not sure what to say to him. Am I being unreasonable for not wanting to go and stay with my parents. I suppose his friend could always book a hotel or not come all together. He's never invited any of his friends to the UK and since we've been married none have ever come to visit him.

OP posts:
MarriedThreeChildren · 11/04/2022 20:08

I also agree about legal advice btw.
Both about the property and about your dd

Fernshire · 11/04/2022 20:09

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

LegMeChicken · 11/04/2022 20:10

@WonderfulYou

just wondering why you consider OP getting on the housing register as so important - more important than her getting half the house - given it's not something she's mentioned wanting to do?

@Gelasia

What will she do with half a house?

Unless she has a very good job it’s very difficult to get a mortgage.

Private rent is extortionate and will eat through the money from half the house very quickly as a single income household.

If she knows a divorce is coming and she’s going to have to move out soon then the best idea would be to be proactive and get on it now as it can take months just for the application to go through.

Eh? The main hurdle to getting a mortgage is the deposit. which half a family home will sort nicely. Income isn't really an issue most people on 'average' incomes are paying more rent than mortgage anyway.
Em8725 · 11/04/2022 20:12

Do not leave. Give your daughters passport to your mum to look after. Speak to a solicitor.

LexMitior · 11/04/2022 20:13

@AlternativePerspective

Glad you’re seeking legal advice.

The keys are tricky though. As it is the marital home he is legally entitled to a key to the PE property, but I wouldn’t be handing over keys to his brother or anyone else on his behalf.

Also you can’t change the locks. But I would be informing him that i wasn’t leaving the house.

Or if you’re brave enough, I would say that you’ll leave and then stay put so that his new gf finds out for herself what’s really going on.

Bolt and chain fitted on the inside of the house is legal.

Also, it is not cut and dried re entry. He hasn't been there for a year. Just say no. And stay put for the duration. Obviously he wants you out of the house to collect things, pack, remove your presence and then present you with a fait accompli as you no choice by then.

Don't give him the chance. You will absolutely regret it. And if he tells you how mean you are being, then yes, your instinct was absolutely right.

IWentAwayIStayedAway · 11/04/2022 20:13

Have you a family member that could come and stay with you for a while?

Original poster
chilltime18 · 11/04/2022 20:18

He was born and raised in Spain. Moved to the UK for uni, found a decent job after he finished his degree and stayed (he's lived here for 14 years) He obtained British nationality last year which i helped him with.

OP posts:
Cornishclio · 11/04/2022 20:19

You need legal advice but I strongly recommend you do not move out. It is likely he is going to get it valued and up for sale. You are married and have a child and a right to a share of the house. Are you financially dependent on him or do you work?

WonderfulYou · 11/04/2022 20:21

The main hurdle to getting a mortgage is the deposit. which half a family home will sort nicely.
Income isn't really an issue most people on 'average' incomes are paying more rent than mortgage anyway.

Back in the real world - the deposit is only half the battle.
A decent income, good credit score etc are the other half.

And that’s my point exactly - private rent is way more expensive than social housing or a mortgage so unless she has a very good income and good credit etc then she’ll be unlikely to get a mortgage and therefore her money will all go on private rent.

Jjjayfee · 11/04/2022 20:22

You must have a legal right to stay in the house as he wife and mother of have s daughter. Don't leave and get legal advice. I think I would want someone I could trust such as mum perhaps staying with me when he comes back. Appalling behaviour on his part. God luck

Jjjayfee · 11/04/2022 20:25

I don't think, with Good legal support, a husband could insist on the sale of the home where a child under ,18 was living

GettingItOutThere · 11/04/2022 20:26

@HelebethH

Please Make sure he has no plans to take his daughter back to his home country. I would make sure I was present at all times during contact.
this is what alarm bells are going for me too

He could take her and use her as a bargaining chip to get you out the house. Get a solicitor, pronto

WiddlinDiddlin · 11/04/2022 20:28

I'd be very careful following advice on here not to give him a set of keys.

Personally, Id get a set cut and give him those, rather than risk him taking your keys or someone taking your keys to get a set cut, then not giving you yours back.

You almost certainly can't stop him accessing the property and without keys he will try to get hold of your keys or try to get the locks changed.

Better you keep control of as much as you can by getting him a front door key cut and then plan on changing the locks after he's gone.

Don't leave the house whilst he is there, and not until the locks have been changed after he's gone if you do go that route (but should he ask for a key again, supply one, so you aren't preventing him access that you KNOW about, just access b ehind your back).

Have someone come and stay with you the whole time he is back if you can!

Whatever00 · 11/04/2022 20:33

You have had lots of great advice.

I just wanted to suggest a ring doorbell to catch any abusive doorstep behaviour and maybe in house cameras. You have to make people aware that are there but it might prevent kick offs.

YourAuntieGrizelda · 11/04/2022 20:42

Is he asking for keys just to make you think he doesn't have a set of keys? I think an extra bolt or two on the doors would be a good idea

EmJay19 · 11/04/2022 20:44

Sounds suspicious

thenewduchessoflapland · 11/04/2022 20:45

Don't leave;he's abandoned you and DD;he could empty the house whilst you're not there/change the locks/put it on the market or worse;move himself and another woman into the house.

Get legal advice as soon as you can.He clearly doesn't give a hoot about your DD as he's not had anything to do with her for months.

I have to ask;is his home country one of the ones where they automatically give father's custody in a marriage breakdown?

Pinotpleasure · 11/04/2022 20:58

Here is an excellent resource with instructions on the steps to take to prevent your little one being abducted overseas by her father:

www.reunite.org

All the best x

SingleMomDevon · 11/04/2022 21:00

@WonderfulYou

The main hurdle to getting a mortgage is the deposit. which half a family home will sort nicely. Income isn't really an issue most people on 'average' incomes are paying more rent than mortgage anyway.

Back in the real world - the deposit is only half the battle.
A decent income, good credit score etc are the other half.

And that’s my point exactly - private rent is way more expensive than social housing or a mortgage so unless she has a very good income and good credit etc then she’ll be unlikely to get a mortgage and therefore her money will all go on private rent.

She would be fine with a shared ownership, as long as OP has an income
SingleMomDevon · 11/04/2022 21:04

@WiddlinDiddlin

I'd be very careful following advice on here not to give him a set of keys.

Personally, Id get a set cut and give him those, rather than risk him taking your keys or someone taking your keys to get a set cut, then not giving you yours back.

You almost certainly can't stop him accessing the property and without keys he will try to get hold of your keys or try to get the locks changed.

Better you keep control of as much as you can by getting him a front door key cut and then plan on changing the locks after he's gone.

Don't leave the house whilst he is there, and not until the locks have been changed after he's gone if you do go that route (but should he ask for a key again, supply one, so you aren't preventing him access that you KNOW about, just access b ehind your back).

Have someone come and stay with you the whole time he is back if you can!

That's terrible advice. If he's lost his keys, that's his fault and she is under no obligation to give anyone gets. If he tries to be the locks changed whilst she is in the house, she will get a copy of the keys so won't be locked out.

Getting him a set of keys is asking for trouble

HotDogKetchup · 11/04/2022 21:08

Talk to a solicitor and get an occupation order - you can prevent him from coming into the house.

Original poster
chilltime18 · 11/04/2022 21:12

Thanks everyone for your advice. It means a lot to me.

All of my valuables and important paperwork are at my mum's house and have been there for a long time.

In terms of employment. It's very flexible. I work part-time from home and can do as many or as little hours as I want.

He hasn't registered our marriage nor the birth of DD at the Spanish consulate/embassy. He has also not passed on his Spanish nationality to DD so she doesn't have a spanish passport.

OP posts:
Myalternate · 11/04/2022 21:13

If he stops paying the mortgage, the lender could force the sale of the property. The Home Rights Notice won't prevent that from happening.
As the registered owner, the Land Registry will have notified him of the notice. If you want to prevent a sale, you'll have to make the mortgage payments yourself.

Gelasia · 11/04/2022 21:17

@Gelasia maybe your comprehension needs work - they weren’t speaking for months whilst still living together.

Yes, dear. But he hasn't been there for nearly a year, and there has been no unpleasant atmosphere to speak of, so your urgency for them to leave and waste money on rent seems based on a misunderstanding of the post - or just a foolish idea, since you say you understood.

Kirstos1 · 11/04/2022 21:19

If he mentions getting some keys and giving them to his brother I would just calmly say something like 'no, there's no need. I'll be here the entire time you are here'. I'm interested in what his reaction might be to that.