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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband wants me and DD out of the house

211 replies

chilltime18 · 11/04/2022 16:43

So, my husband and I have separated over a year ago but continued to live in the same house without speaking for a few months until he went abroad (to his home country) last summer. I didn't know why he wanted to separate. He refused to speak to me or explain anything. But, many, many months later, I found out (by coincidence and not from him) he cheated with multiple women whilst on holiday and even brought a woman back with him but stayed in a different city (he paid for her hotel, flights etc.) Ever since he's been away, he only came back to the UK twice and stayed for a week each time. We have a 4 year old DD. Initially for the first 4 months, he didn't message or call to ask about her whatsoever. But, since Feb when I told his mum, I'm divorcing him and will not leave the house until the divorce is finalised, he's been messaging and arranging to call her. (although he rarely calls at arranged times, always a few days late)
He messaged me today , telling me he is coming to the UK next week with a friend who's staying with him for a couple of days and I need to take our toddler and stay at my parents' home. He also said, he would like to see DD when his friend leaves. Am I supposed to leave and give him space for a few days? He owns the house and has been paying for the mortgage and bills for the duration of our marriage even when, now, he is away. I have been doing all the food shopping, cleaning and looking after DD all the time. When I found out he cheated, I put a home rights notice on the property to protect myself and DD.

I am not sure what to say to him. Am I being unreasonable for not wanting to go and stay with my parents. I suppose his friend could always book a hotel or not come all together. He's never invited any of his friends to the UK and since we've been married none have ever come to visit him.

OP posts:
TheVanguardSix · 11/04/2022 17:56

It boggles the mind, doesn't it?
"I want the moon on a stick and you will comply, little woman."
Fuck him and the horse he rides in on, OP.
Do not leave the house.
Do not do anything he tells you to do.

He's planning to put the house on the market and wants to get some estate agents round to give him valuations and he wants you out of the way so you don't kick off about it.

With the home rights in place, he can't do this... he can, but he won't get far. OP, do you have a hard copy of those home rights or at least a letter from the Land Registry informing you that your home rights have actually been filed? It can take a few months. But here's the good news, even if they have not yet been filed, your request to file home rights is lodged and trumps any requests he might make. I was told this by the Land Registry office myself while waiting for my file to go through.

TheVanguardSix · 11/04/2022 17:57

It is no longer his house. It is a family home and only becomes his house again if the courts determine that to be the case.

This. Absolutely. You are joint owners, even if he is paying the mortgage and his name is the only one on the house, you are married and considered joint owners and it is a shared asset... above all, it is your child's home.

StrawBeretMoose · 11/04/2022 18:01

Do not leave the house.

Could he possibly have obtained a passport for your DD from his home country?

7eleven · 11/04/2022 18:03

Don’t leave the house. Don’t leave you me daughter alone with him. Don’t be on your own with him. Can your dad come and stay with you? What a horrible situation for you.

FrancescaContini · 11/04/2022 18:04

What an arrogant arsehole.

Absolutely don’t leave. How dare he ask you both to leave Angry

WonderfulYou · 11/04/2022 18:05

Yes you need to leave.
It’s been over a year and this is not a healthy environment for your daughter to be in.

How come you haven’t rented anywhere else?
Are you on the housing list?

whatisheupto · 11/04/2022 18:07

I'd get a friend or relative to come and stay with you too. Make up some reason. Just for extra support and back up.

Mamabananananana · 11/04/2022 18:08

What a rat. Yes itll be a woman. Disgusting
Dont go anywhere OP.
And if youre married, you both own the house not just him
What a prick. Dont make life easy for him

Gelasia · 11/04/2022 18:08

How come you haven’t rented anywhere else?
Are you on the housing list?

why should she? It's her house too. Doesn't seem that unhealthy for the dd living there with her mum. If they're splitting then the assets will have to be split fairly. Why should she move out and rent?

MRex · 11/04/2022 18:10

Talk with a solicitor, change the locks and have people there to support you when he turns up causing bother.

oviraptor21 · 11/04/2022 18:10

Please ignore the 'advice' of @WonderfulYou above. Woefully misinformed.
Get legal advice fast.
Useful pages to look at until you can speak to someone www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/if-you-were-living-together/

LakieLady · 11/04/2022 18:11

He's a mega CF! Well done for getting DD's passport out of the house.

Sadly, you can't stop him coming back to the house, but definitely don't go and stay elsewhere.

I'm in two minds about not giving him a set of keys though. Not having keys might provoke him into getting a locksmith to change the locks, and possibly denying you access. While it would be wrong for him to do that, it would take a fair bit of sorting out and would be bloody stressful.

I'd also be concerned about the possibility of him getting a replacement passport for DD, or even a passport in his own nationality.

TheVanguardSix · 11/04/2022 18:12

Yes you need to leave. It’s been over a year and this is not a healthy environment for your daughter to be in. How come you haven’t rented anywhere else? Are you on the housing list?

Oh... I see he's already back in the country and right here, posting on MN. Confused
Do you want the rosette for Worst Advice Ever? It's yours.

Snugglepumpkin · 11/04/2022 18:14

Don't leave the house.
Don't pay for keys to be cut he can hand out to friends, estate agents, new tenants etc..
Don't hand him your key.

Get legal advice.

knockedover · 11/04/2022 18:15

Do not leave, he will change the locks and bring stuff to your parents. Don't let him talk you round and book an appointment with solicitor.

Aquamarine1029 · 11/04/2022 18:16

I would change the locks before he arrives so there's no chance he has access. Absolutely do not leave the house.

Myyearmytime · 11/04/2022 18:16

I would also phone 111 and tell them your abusive husband is returning from a broad and wants and and your daughter out of the house he is also bring a freind with him .

Fulmine · 11/04/2022 18:16

@WonderfulYou

Yes you need to leave. It’s been over a year and this is not a healthy environment for your daughter to be in.

How come you haven’t rented anywhere else?
Are you on the housing list?

Why isn't it the child's father's duty to provide a roof over her head, @WonderfulYou?
Pompom2367 · 11/04/2022 18:17

Get legal advice do not move out he will change the locks

Jaxinthebox · 11/04/2022 18:17

No keys, no leaving the house, no allowing access to your daughter unsupervised.

If anything Id have a friend/family member come and stay to make sure you have a witness to his nonsense.

Please get legal advice OP

Horst · 11/04/2022 18:17

Do not leave and do not get him more keys cut. Also make sure ALL paperwork is out of the house. Anything that’s relevant to you and your child gone. Anything that is his re wages NI number, pension policy’s, bank accounts. Make copies and store it out of the house again.

Also anything you have that’s valuable such as necklaces etc gone store it at your mums. Change the wifi password. Make sure any documents on yours and log ins on any computers are safe and that he cannot get on them to find out stuff.

If you have a joint account remove half money and remove your name from the account.

WonderfulYou · 11/04/2022 18:19

why should she? It's her house too. Doesn't seem that unhealthy for the dd living there with her mum. If they're splitting then the assets will have to be split fairly. Why should she move out and rent?

Surely if they get divorced they’ll split the house and will have to move out anyway.

If she has split up from her DH and can’t stay in the family home she is essentially homeless and will be able to go on the housing list.
If she waits until the divorce has gone through she could get half the house which is too much in assets to be allowed on the housing register.
Even when classed as homeless it can still take a long time to find anywhere.

And when both parents aren’t speaking to each other for months even though they live together then yes that is not a nice environment for a child.

It sounds like he has now moved on and I’d be prioritising getting my life sorted and going for a divorce ASAP.

Thesefeetaremadeforwalking · 11/04/2022 18:20

OP,
I agree with PPs - stay put and see a solicitor

billy1966 · 11/04/2022 18:21

@Myyearmytime

I would also phone 111 and tell them your abusive husband is returning from a broad and wants and and your daughter out of the house he is also bring a freind with him .
This.

I also think you should call Womens aid asap for advice.

Do not get keys cut and do not leave your home.

You need to take action and get advice to protect yourself.

a1poshpaws · 11/04/2022 18:22

I thought that the parent who cared for child/children was legally entitled to remain in the marital home until the children were adult? And that the other partner had no legal right to then enter the home even if it was only in their name?

Maybe I'm wrong, or maybe that's only in Scots Law. But ffs get yourself to a solicitor who specialises in marital disputes the moment you can.

And don't leave - you could be throwing away all your rights - or allow him and his "friend" to stay. Even if you have to change the locks tomorrow because you maybe don't feel assertive enough to stand up to him in person and could then do it by phone or even shouting through the door!

You are soooooo much better off without this poor excuse for a human.

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