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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband wants me and DD out of the house

211 replies

chilltime18 · 11/04/2022 16:43

So, my husband and I have separated over a year ago but continued to live in the same house without speaking for a few months until he went abroad (to his home country) last summer. I didn't know why he wanted to separate. He refused to speak to me or explain anything. But, many, many months later, I found out (by coincidence and not from him) he cheated with multiple women whilst on holiday and even brought a woman back with him but stayed in a different city (he paid for her hotel, flights etc.) Ever since he's been away, he only came back to the UK twice and stayed for a week each time. We have a 4 year old DD. Initially for the first 4 months, he didn't message or call to ask about her whatsoever. But, since Feb when I told his mum, I'm divorcing him and will not leave the house until the divorce is finalised, he's been messaging and arranging to call her. (although he rarely calls at arranged times, always a few days late)
He messaged me today , telling me he is coming to the UK next week with a friend who's staying with him for a couple of days and I need to take our toddler and stay at my parents' home. He also said, he would like to see DD when his friend leaves. Am I supposed to leave and give him space for a few days? He owns the house and has been paying for the mortgage and bills for the duration of our marriage even when, now, he is away. I have been doing all the food shopping, cleaning and looking after DD all the time. When I found out he cheated, I put a home rights notice on the property to protect myself and DD.

I am not sure what to say to him. Am I being unreasonable for not wanting to go and stay with my parents. I suppose his friend could always book a hotel or not come all together. He's never invited any of his friends to the UK and since we've been married none have ever come to visit him.

OP posts:
M0RVEN · 11/04/2022 18:23

@StrawBeretMoose

Do not leave the house.

Could he possibly have obtained a passport for your DD from his home country?

This is a good point.
AnyFucker · 11/04/2022 18:24

Stay right where you are and do not let your daughter out of your sight.

catfunk · 11/04/2022 18:24

@WonderfulYou

Yes you need to leave. It’s been over a year and this is not a healthy environment for your daughter to be in.

How come you haven’t rented anywhere else?
Are you on the housing list?

Why should she leave ?
chilltime18 · 11/04/2022 18:25

Thank you all so much for your posts.

He asked me to permanently leave the property a few times. He wants me out of the house so he could sell it and be done. Move abroad, not pay CM nor help to parent DD.

He doesn't know I have a home rights notice on the house. I haven't told him. He hasn't seen his copy of the new house deeds.

OP posts:
Berthatydfil · 11/04/2022 18:25

You have some time to take legal advice seeing as he is back next week.

1- You may be able to go to court to get an occupation order as he voluntarily left the formal marital home some time ago, also he has a responsibility to house his child. Thus gives you the legal right to occupy the house and to deny him the right to live there. Obviously this may not be open ended. I would also try to put off your BIL until you have had this advice.
2 if you are legally married you can register your rights on the house with the land registry .

3 go to court to get a lives with order for your child with a penal clause, you can do this without him knowing. This means police can remove your dc from him if he refuses to return them from a contact.

WonderfulYou · 11/04/2022 18:26

Useful pages to look at until you can speak to someone www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/if-you-were-living-together/

As a PP posted this link has great advice.

I know many posters have told you to ignore my advice but they may not have as much knowledge about this as I do.
As you can read for yourself on that link your best bet would be to get on the housing register before you get divorced.

I can see your ex being fully prepared for a divorce soon and you don’t want to leave you and your child in a vulnerable position.

You don’t need to leave until you have something else sorted but you can’t refuse him to live there either as you both have as much rights as the other person.

LadyMacduff · 11/04/2022 18:26

@Myyearmytime

I would also phone 111 and tell them your abusive husband is returning from a broad and wants and and your daughter out of the house he is also bring a freind with him .
Is he abusive? He's lousy and cheating, but I'm not sure OP has mentioned abuse. Sorry if i've missed something.

Agree that OP needs legal advice.

Gelasia · 11/04/2022 18:27

And when both parents aren’t speaking to each other for months even though they live together then yes that is not a nice environment for a child.

Reading comprehension needs work. He hasn't been there for nearly a year.

catfunk · 11/04/2022 18:28

I'd say he's welcome to come in (I don't see how you can legally lock him out of his own house) but be very clear that you and dd will not be leaving, it's still your home. Don't leave him unsupervised with her.

He's either bringing a woman over to stay or having a valuation done.

Berthatydfil · 11/04/2022 18:28

Ah cross posted - so you have got your interest registered .
Is his home country in The Hague Convention ? Is he likely to get a passport for her for that country ?

CambsAlways · 11/04/2022 18:29

I think the friend could be one of his women, do not leave the house, get legal advice

LoveSpringDaffs · 11/04/2022 18:30

Definitely DO NOT leave.

Definitely get a recommended lawyer!! Fast.

Don't feel guilty, he was the loser bastard having affairs and leaving you & DD (blessing in disguises though).

Don't get keys cut. Him & the fancy but will have to stay elsewhere, maybe his brothers?!

And not a single moment with DD without you (and preferably your parents/a friend or two as well). I'm not sure,now, what else you can do do he 100% CANNOT take DD OUT of the country, but I'd be doing that!!

Gelasia · 11/04/2022 18:31

I'd say he's welcome to come in (I don't see how you can legally lock him out of his own house)

She can't change the locks but I don't see why she should facilitate his entry by getting keys cut for him. In fact I think she definitely shouldn't. Not her fault he lost his keys.

wonderfulyou just wondering why you consider OP getting on the housing register as so important - more important than her getting half the house - given it's not something she's mentioned wanting to do?

WonderfulYou · 11/04/2022 18:32

Reading comprehension needs work. He hasn't been there for nearly a year.

@Gelasia maybe your comprehension needs work - they weren’t speaking for months whilst still living together.
He is now planning on returning, probably with his new gf.

FatCatThinCat · 11/04/2022 18:32

He's up to something so no, don't leave and don't let your DD out of your sight while he's back.

BitOutOfPractice · 11/04/2022 18:34

I am not sure what to say to him

"No!" should suffice.

WonderfulYou · 11/04/2022 18:35

just wondering why you consider OP getting on the housing register as so important - more important than her getting half the house - given it's not something she's mentioned wanting to do?

@Gelasia

What will she do with half a house?

Unless she has a very good job it’s very difficult to get a mortgage.

Private rent is extortionate and will eat through the money from half the house very quickly as a single income household.

If she knows a divorce is coming and she’s going to have to move out soon then the best idea would be to be proactive and get on it now as it can take months just for the application to go through.

Crikeyalmighty · 11/04/2022 18:36

I don’t think you can stop him being at the house OP as it’s still partly his— however I certainly don’t think he can demand you moving out for a few days and I certainly wouldn’t —

chilltime18 · 11/04/2022 18:38

I haven't refused him access to the property. He decided to move away.

OP posts:
oviraptor21 · 11/04/2022 18:38

Depending on which country he is returning to he may not be able to escape child maintenance.
www.gov.uk/child-maintenance-if-one-parent-lives-abroad

BlueOverYellow · 11/04/2022 18:39

Do not leave the house.
Tell him he can stay somewhere else.
Get legal advice immediately about keeping him out of the house ... he left.

chilltime18 · 11/04/2022 18:40

Yes, he is aggressive and very short-tempered. Me telling him no, will cause chaos. He will most likely come and start slamming doors and looking at every possibility to start an argument and lash out at me.

OP posts:
MayMorris · 11/04/2022 18:41

@WonderfulYou

Yes you need to leave. It’s been over a year and this is not a healthy environment for your daughter to be in.

How come you haven’t rented anywhere else?
Are you on the housing list?

Do you know anything about fair settlements in divorce according to uk court criteria? No. Clearly not. So just posting to wind up Op then.
Murdoch1949 · 11/04/2022 18:41

He could change the locks, get an estate agent round to take photos, do other dodgy things. Stay where you are, calling the police if he tries to get you out. Unlikely this is just for a few days, watch your back.

2Gen · 11/04/2022 18:43

@Unicornsbumhole

Whatever you do, do not leave the house. I would be extremely suspicious of why he suddenly needs the space in the house and would be thinking it's a ploy to get me out.
This was my first thought too! You need to speak to a solicitor about this OP, to find out exactly where you stand legally. I don't like the sound of this at all and I'm so sorry. Please take care and I wish you and your DD all the very best!
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