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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband wants me and DD out of the house

211 replies

chilltime18 · 11/04/2022 16:43

So, my husband and I have separated over a year ago but continued to live in the same house without speaking for a few months until he went abroad (to his home country) last summer. I didn't know why he wanted to separate. He refused to speak to me or explain anything. But, many, many months later, I found out (by coincidence and not from him) he cheated with multiple women whilst on holiday and even brought a woman back with him but stayed in a different city (he paid for her hotel, flights etc.) Ever since he's been away, he only came back to the UK twice and stayed for a week each time. We have a 4 year old DD. Initially for the first 4 months, he didn't message or call to ask about her whatsoever. But, since Feb when I told his mum, I'm divorcing him and will not leave the house until the divorce is finalised, he's been messaging and arranging to call her. (although he rarely calls at arranged times, always a few days late)
He messaged me today , telling me he is coming to the UK next week with a friend who's staying with him for a couple of days and I need to take our toddler and stay at my parents' home. He also said, he would like to see DD when his friend leaves. Am I supposed to leave and give him space for a few days? He owns the house and has been paying for the mortgage and bills for the duration of our marriage even when, now, he is away. I have been doing all the food shopping, cleaning and looking after DD all the time. When I found out he cheated, I put a home rights notice on the property to protect myself and DD.

I am not sure what to say to him. Am I being unreasonable for not wanting to go and stay with my parents. I suppose his friend could always book a hotel or not come all together. He's never invited any of his friends to the UK and since we've been married none have ever come to visit him.

OP posts:

Somethingsnappy · 11/04/2022 18:45

@BitOutOfPractice

I am not sure what to say to him

"No!" should suffice.

Yes, and that it's your daughter's home.

FatCatThinCat · 11/04/2022 18:46

@chilltime18

Yes, he is aggressive and very short-tempered. Me telling him no, will cause chaos. He will most likely come and start slamming doors and looking at every possibility to start an argument and lash out at me.

If he does that you call the police.

7eleven · 11/04/2022 18:46

@chilltime18

This is why you need to get someone to stay with you

MayMorris · 11/04/2022 18:47

I’d back what someone else said…stay put…but get a family member to come and stay with you whilst this is going on.
Also you can’t change locks but you can put a security chain on door, that way he can’t just walk in if your in the house and surprise you, you can check who he is with, his mood etc before you take the chain off. If necessarily getting family to come out to support you or even the police.
Do not give copy of keys to anyone.

oviraptor21 · 11/04/2022 18:47

@chilltime18

By lash out do you mean hit? In that case I would advise hou get an occupation order and a non-molestation order. rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/family-law/ or a solicitor can help with this.

FatCatThinCat · 11/04/2022 18:49

Are you scared of him OP?

If you are then talk to a solicitor tomorrow to find out how you can keep him away.

DontStopMeNow7 · 11/04/2022 18:51

Do not leave your home and do not give him keys. Once the divorce is going through you’ll likely to be entitled to half of it if he sells but in the meantime that space is for his daughter and the mother of his daughter. I’m kind of glad he’s lost his keys tbh. I really wouldn’t talk to him, just get a good solicitor and communicate through them from now on, including an arrangement for parental visits (not in the house and an arrangement he has to stick to as opposed to when he can be bothered to be in the same actual country). You owe him absolutely NOTHING.

Bubblesandsqueak1 · 11/04/2022 18:53

Wow this is nuts for over a year he has paid for the mortgage and all the house bills 😳 and you but a notice on his house main fact did he own the house before the marriage? No wonder you don't want to leave if he is still paying for everything

BeautifulDragon · 11/04/2022 18:53

I would have DD out of the house when he comes, you don't want her in the middle of s stressful situation. Then have a relative (preferably male) come and stay for a few days.

You can arrange for him to see DD, but stay in control of when/ how.

I know you can't deny him access to the home but the moment he starts getting aggressive, call the police.

Good luck OP.

WhatAHexIGotInto · 11/04/2022 18:54

As others have said, under no circumstances leave the house. I would also have a trusted friend/relative come and stay with you for when he comes round. Don't be on your own with him.

WonderfulYou · 11/04/2022 18:55

Do you know anything about fair settlements in divorce according to uk court criteria? No. Clearly not. So just posting to wind up Op then.

I never said I did but I know someone who was in a very similar position and so I’m giving advice from the mistakes they made so someone else doesn’t fall into the same trap.

NannieEmLou · 11/04/2022 18:57

Don’t leave the house. He could change the locks once you are out. If it’s a joint mortgage you could break the locks to get back in the house ( this happened to me and the police said it was my house too). You need to ring a solicitor tomorrow.

Backtomyoldname · 11/04/2022 18:58

Get legal advice asap.

Make sure all of your documents are safely somewhere else.

Is it possible to get a child out of this country without a passport/could he have got one from his own country? Get specific legal advice on this one.

Never mind giving his brother new keys - change the locks.

Has there ever been any violence? Do you worry about this? Get in touch with the police and ask their advice.

Mummy7777 · 11/04/2022 18:59

Do not leave the house. Tell him you have no problem in him coming to stay with his friend and whilst they are here you will try and stay out of the way.

Gizacluethen · 11/04/2022 19:00

No don't leave. You're entitled to something from the house. You need to protect that. I'd change the locks and stay in the house. If he comes acting aggressive then you call the police. You need a proper divorce and to receive your money before you leave that house. He'll leave you with nothing.

Also, his "friend" is most likely a girlfriend.

workingmomlife · 11/04/2022 19:02

@a1poshpaws

I thought that the parent who cared for child/children was legally entitled to remain in the marital home until the children were adult? And that the other partner had no legal right to then enter the home even if it was only in their name?

Maybe I'm wrong, or maybe that's only in Scots Law. But ffs get yourself to a solicitor who specialises in marital disputes the moment you can.

And don't leave - you could be throwing away all your rights - or allow him and his "friend" to stay. Even if you have to change the locks tomorrow because you maybe don't feel assertive enough to stand up to him in person and could then do it by phone or even shouting through the door!

You are soooooo much better off without this poor excuse for a human.

No not correct. You can obtain an order but honestly the court will expect to see that the mother is able to pay the mortgage etc. if it's his only assets and only way for him to find his own home then the house will be expected to be sold

TracyMosby · 11/04/2022 19:02

Do not leave the house. You will not get back in. He plans to walk away and not support your dd at all.

‘That doesn't work for me.’ is a good enough response. Have a low threshold for phoning the police if he makes threats / gets violent. Can you have someone move in with you for that weekend?

PumpkinPie2016 · 11/04/2022 19:07

Lots of excellent advice on here already.

As others say, do not leave the house and do not have keys copied. I would definitely get a friend or relative to come and stay with you when he is due to arrive though.

Ensure any important documents are at your parents.

Absolutely do not leave your daughter alone with him. I would suggest that you try to arrange to meet in a public place with her e.g. a cafe or play area. Again, take someone with you - your parents/brother or sister?

While I don't wish to upset you or add to the anxiety, a colleague of my mother's had an ex who was from abroad (maybe Iran) - he was the perfect ex for about 5 years. Always on time for the children, always returned them on time etc. Very amicable. Except one day he collected them as arranged and unbeknown to her, took them back to Iran and wouldn't return them!

I would strongly suggest you get some legal advice and also some advice from the police.

Good luck!

Genevieva · 11/04/2022 19:10

Do not leave.
Make sure you have a guest or guests staying. Preferably a male relative.
Consider changing the locks and setting up security that hells keep you safe.
Speak to both a solicitor, the police and Women’s Aid about your suspicions and fears.
Do not open the door to his brother or anyone you do not recognise.
Only when everything is in place should you tell him that the house is a marital asset and you are not leaving, yet hat he should stay nearby and you and your DD will meet him in a public place of your choosing.

jeannie46 · 11/04/2022 19:15

@BeautifulDragon

I would have DD out of the house when he comes, you don't want her in the middle of s stressful situation. Then have a relative (preferably male) come and stay for a few days.

You can arrange for him to see DD, but stay in control of when/ how.

I know you can't deny him access to the home but the moment he starts getting aggressive, call the police.

Good luck OP.

YES ! My father came on a fleeting visit from abroad, been away 9 months, to grab me when I was 1. Fortunately my mother was forewarned by a lovely Housing Officer that he was on his way. (He'd gone there to try and get us evicted from our Council flat.) My aunt immediately took me to a relative's house.

He had never been remotely interested in me, just wanted to hurt my mother. Never saw him again. Make sure you have several male relatives there if you allow him to see your dd. Or, preferably, have the visit in a safe place with supervision.

ScaredOfDinosaurs · 11/04/2022 19:16

Is his home country a signatory to the Hague convention? If not, you need to get an alert on her name in case he tries to abscond with her. Definitely see a solicitor!

skodadoda · 11/04/2022 19:17

@Murdoch1949

He could change the locks, get an estate agent round to take photos, do other dodgy things. Stay where you are, calling the police if he tries to get you out. Unlikely this is just for a few days, watch your back.

I was thinking this about letting police know if you suspect he’s going to cause a breach of the peace.

TooTiredToSleepRightNow · 11/04/2022 19:18

Do not leave the house, stay put, you’re married so you’d be entitled to stay there. Get legal advice ASAP. Don’t listen or trust him. And keep your daughter’s passport somewhere safe and do not allow him unsupervised contact as he could be planning on doing a runner with her to his home country.

Quincythequince · 11/04/2022 19:19

Don’t move! Do not leave that house, and get a solicitor right away too.

TooTiredToSleepRightNow · 11/04/2022 19:21

Really good advice from previous posters. Please listen to them.

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