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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave my son behind?

174 replies

namechange76217052684 · 11/04/2022 15:38

Holiday tomorrow for a week in Europe. Booked last October for me, DH and 2 DC. DH can't come because his health is too bad (chronic condition, been on the cards for a while that he wouldn't make it). DS is 6 and has had a cough for about a week. PCR (for travel) came back negative this morning. Today the cough is much worse, temperature is rising (only 38 so far) and I think he has the beginnings of a chest infection. GP apt in a couple of hours to have him examined.

DS is autistic and has violent meltdowns most days. DD (10) has suffered the last couple of years and is really looking forward to this holiday. Would I be unreasonable to take her and leave DS at home (with DH, who is healthy enough to care for him just not enough to travel).

Context: it's not really just a holiday. My family live abroad, we haven't seen each other for 3 years, and this is a big family reunion with everyone flying in to be together. It was organised and paid for by my dad who died suddenly a few weeks ago. I've been desperately looking forward to being with my family and DD is desperate to see her cousins. DS is just as excited to go, although will likely find the whole thing quite challenging. I've spent months preparing how to make it work for him.

What would you do? Give up on the holiday and all stay home? Take both children and hope for the best? Or just take DD?

Any option other than all going as planned is going to be devastating for the children and given how terrible this year has been I honestly don't know if we'll be able to take another blow. As I type this I'm leaning towards just taking both children unless the Dr this afternoon says it's out of the question. I know many will say I'm being unreasonable to spread whatever he has. But I think many people would have taken a child with a cough/cold on holiday pre-covid. Maybe it depends what the Dr says.

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 11/04/2022 15:39

Go for it, as long as your dh is healthy enough to cope.

CrowAndABut · 11/04/2022 15:41

Do whatever you need to do OP. You need to see.your family.

Original poster
namechange76217052684 · 11/04/2022 15:42

That's it, I don't know if he's healthy enough to cope. Typically even a slight cold is enough to make him very volatile. But if I cancel/don't take him and then tomorrow he perks up, I'll never forgive myself.

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 11/04/2022 15:44

Depends if you think your ds is up to it - does he feel well enough to go?

If he’s well enough I’d take them both (providing it’s ok with your family). If not, I’d take dd.

whoturnedthesunoff · 11/04/2022 15:45

Go with DD and spend time with your family. Sorry for your loss 💐

If husband is well enough to care for him then they could have a "boys week" do things they like to do .

The problem would be explaining it to him without hurting or upsetting him ☹️

MichelleScarn · 11/04/2022 15:45

Go, the break will do you and dd good, sell it as girls hol for you and her, ds and dad can have boy time at home?

HollowTalk · 11/04/2022 15:46

I think I'd go with your daughter, as she deserves a trip as well as you.

Momijin · 11/04/2022 15:47

I'd go with DD and make sure that DH organises fun stuff for them to do at home

CarmenThePanda · 11/04/2022 15:48

Take both kids.

ClemDanFango · 11/04/2022 15:49

Will you DS cope with being left behind?

Barkingmadhouse · 11/04/2022 15:49

I would just take dd

jampim · 11/04/2022 15:50

@CarmenThePanda

Take both kids.

Did you not read the op? Her DS is ill.

LosingTheWill2022 · 11/04/2022 15:51

How would your ds feel about not going?

Wnikat · 11/04/2022 15:59

See what the GP says. If he has a chest infection and starts antibiotics today he should be ok to travel.

Original poster
namechange76217052684 · 11/04/2022 16:00

DS would be hysterical if I didn't take him and I'm not sure he'd ever quite understand. There's so much he misses out on already. He's also very attached to me. In fact he can generally only fall asleep if I'm next to him. I have no idea if he'd cope if I was gone for a whole week.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 11/04/2022 16:04

Typically even a slight cold is enough to make him very volatile.

What does this even mean? Is he not capable of looking after his son?

Ellie56 · 11/04/2022 16:06

@namechange76217052684

DS would be hysterical if I didn't take him and I'm not sure he'd ever quite understand. There's so much he misses out on already. He's also very attached to me. In fact he can generally only fall asleep if I'm next to him. I have no idea if he'd cope if I was gone for a whole week.
There's your answer then. Dose him up and take both children.
Mariposista · 11/04/2022 16:06

What would you have done pre covid? Answer that question, and then do that.
Have a lovely holiday.

Skyeheather · 11/04/2022 16:10

If the Doctor says it okay I would take both children. If it's a big family reunion would the family be able to help with DS once you get there?

WhydoesthesunalwaysshineonTV · 11/04/2022 16:12

Take your DD and go! DS is ill, and shouldn’t travel anywhere for his and other people’s sake. It’s not fair on anyone really. But you have to go!

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 11/04/2022 16:17

I am very sorry for your loss. You need to go to this event yourself if it is remotely possible, and at least take DD unless that becomes obviously impossible.

To be honest I would not bring DS. Even with the best preparation and even if he was fully well such a trip would most likely be very unfamiliar and challenging for him. That could be OK if it wasn't for trip being about a bereavement. You wont have DH and it doesn't sound as if other people in the family know DS well and his needs, and they wouldn't be in a good emotional state to support you and him at this time. I wouldn't risk it with my own DS.

Even if DS perks up there is no reason to feel guilty if you decide that taking him is too big a risk for you, for him or for the rest of the family Flowers

Staryflight445 · 11/04/2022 16:19

@namechange76217052684

DS would be hysterical if I didn't take him and I'm not sure he'd ever quite understand. There's so much he misses out on already. He's also very attached to me. In fact he can generally only fall asleep if I'm next to him. I have no idea if he'd cope if I was gone for a whole week.
Sounds like your DD misses out on a lot too. Of course he’d cope, somehow. You sound like you need a break op, your dd too.

You can’t all miss out because your DS is unwell, that’s not fair.

Mosaic123 · 11/04/2022 16:20

DS needs the promise of something very very special with his Dad when he is better. Take DD only.

Heronwatcher · 11/04/2022 16:21

Real sympathy OP but I don’t think I would leave your DS from what you’ve said, it sounds like he would struggle to understand it and it would be an utterly hellish week for your DH. Is there a chance of getting your son seen and some antibiotics if it is a chest infection and then taking him as long as he’s not contagious? If you decided not to go, could you afford to go another time, or claim on insurance? Or could you even go late , after giving your DS a few days to get better if it’s not too far? My kids also have a habit of getting ill every time I have something nice planned- it is a killer!

Nanny0gg · 11/04/2022 16:21

@namechange76217052684

DS would be hysterical if I didn't take him and I'm not sure he'd ever quite understand. There's so much he misses out on already. He's also very attached to me. In fact he can generally only fall asleep if I'm next to him. I have no idea if he'd cope if I was gone for a whole week.
Then that's your answer