Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave my son behind?

174 replies

namechange76217052684 · 11/04/2022 15:38

Holiday tomorrow for a week in Europe. Booked last October for me, DH and 2 DC. DH can't come because his health is too bad (chronic condition, been on the cards for a while that he wouldn't make it). DS is 6 and has had a cough for about a week. PCR (for travel) came back negative this morning. Today the cough is much worse, temperature is rising (only 38 so far) and I think he has the beginnings of a chest infection. GP apt in a couple of hours to have him examined.

DS is autistic and has violent meltdowns most days. DD (10) has suffered the last couple of years and is really looking forward to this holiday. Would I be unreasonable to take her and leave DS at home (with DH, who is healthy enough to care for him just not enough to travel).

Context: it's not really just a holiday. My family live abroad, we haven't seen each other for 3 years, and this is a big family reunion with everyone flying in to be together. It was organised and paid for by my dad who died suddenly a few weeks ago. I've been desperately looking forward to being with my family and DD is desperate to see her cousins. DS is just as excited to go, although will likely find the whole thing quite challenging. I've spent months preparing how to make it work for him.

What would you do? Give up on the holiday and all stay home? Take both children and hope for the best? Or just take DD?

Any option other than all going as planned is going to be devastating for the children and given how terrible this year has been I honestly don't know if we'll be able to take another blow. As I type this I'm leaning towards just taking both children unless the Dr this afternoon says it's out of the question. I know many will say I'm being unreasonable to spread whatever he has. But I think many people would have taken a child with a cough/cold on holiday pre-covid. Maybe it depends what the Dr says.

OP posts:
TreatTrimTame · 11/04/2022 18:23

i would not want to be away from poorly DS but also would not want to miss seeing family after berevement so would take him with me. However just taking DD is perfectly fine in these circumstances and i think whatever you choose is right. YANBU in any way.

Notdoingthis · 11/04/2022 18:23

I think your DS sounds too poorly to go and I think in your position I would have to cancel. I'm sorry, it is gutting, but I couldn't leave my poorly son behind.

SueSaid · 11/04/2022 18:24

'Would your dh manage to give ds a fun week we home ? '

Her dh is too sick to go so I doubt he'd be well enough to care for an ill dc tbh.

Original poster
namechange76217052684 · 11/04/2022 18:25

I haven't decided what to do yet, but to answer some questions: we would be staying in our own flat and would have a lot of family support including my mum and siblings. Healthcare is good and some family members are doctors. If we did all go and DS was too ill to do much, DD could go out with her cousins and the rest of the family. She's used to spending time with my mum so no worries for her. Another family member taking her would be ideal but unfortunately they're all already there.

Hearing from other mums of autistic children you're all right, I can't leave him. My choice now is all go, or none of us go.

For what it's worth, he's perked up a lot and the doctor said he's basically fine, just to keep an eye and keep up fluids and calpol. Someone asked what I would have done pre-covid: I probably wouldn't have taken him to the doctor in the first place, I mostly did because of the cough. I used to fly at least once a year with the children pre-covid and I'm sure I was often giving them calpol on the way!

OP posts:
aquamarine1 · 11/04/2022 18:27

I think the three of you should go OP. One of mine regularly suffered from tonsillitis but after a day or two had perked right up.

VyeBrator · 11/04/2022 18:28

@namechange76217052684

I haven't decided what to do yet, but to answer some questions: we would be staying in our own flat and would have a lot of family support including my mum and siblings. Healthcare is good and some family members are doctors. If we did all go and DS was too ill to do much, DD could go out with her cousins and the rest of the family. She's used to spending time with my mum so no worries for her. Another family member taking her would be ideal but unfortunately they're all already there.

Hearing from other mums of autistic children you're all right, I can't leave him. My choice now is all go, or none of us go.

For what it's worth, he's perked up a lot and the doctor said he's basically fine, just to keep an eye and keep up fluids and calpol. Someone asked what I would have done pre-covid: I probably wouldn't have taken him to the doctor in the first place, I mostly did because of the cough. I used to fly at least once a year with the children pre-covid and I'm sure I was often giving them calpol on the way!

I haven't decided what to do yet, but to answer some questions: we would be staying in our own flat and would have a lot of family support including my mum and siblings. Healthcare is good and some family members are doctors. If we did all go and DS was too ill to do much, DD could go out with her cousins and the rest of the family. She's used to spending time with my mum so no worries for her. Another family member taking her would be ideal but unfortunately they're all already there.

How is it not a really simple decision then?

Caky30 · 11/04/2022 18:31

If your DS would be happy enough to stay home with his dad (assuming he's well enough to look after DS!) I would go for it, my sons autistic and a trip like what would overwhelm him anyway and maybe it will be nice for your DD to have some quality time with you!

Zwellers · 11/04/2022 18:34

godmum56 but the dd is not coming first is she. She gets punished by not having the holiday and meeting her cousins.

Take dd leave ds.

NameChange30 · 11/04/2022 18:39

I am so sorry for your loss Flowers

This is a difficult dilemma. Based on your latest update I think you should take both children. Hopefully DS will recover quickly, and worst case scenario, if you need to stay in with him while you're away, your DD can still join in with family.

It sounds to me as if this trip is far too important for you to miss it. Your needs are important too.

PutinIsAWarCriminal · 11/04/2022 18:43

I didn't even need to read to the end. Take your dd, have some mother-daughter quality time.

VyeBrator · 11/04/2022 18:45

@Caky30

If your DS would be happy enough to stay home with his dad (assuming he's well enough to look after DS!) I would go for it, my sons autistic and a trip like what would overwhelm him anyway and maybe it will be nice for your DD to have some quality time with you!
Except the OP said this...

DS would be hysterical if I didn't take him and I'm not sure he'd ever quite understand. There's so much he misses out on already. He's also very attached to me. In fact he can generally only fall asleep if I'm next to him. I have no idea if he'd cope if I was gone for a whole week.

And then goes on to say...

I haven't decided what to do yet, but to answer some questions: we would be staying in our own flat and would have a lot of family support including my mum and siblings. Healthcare is good and some family members are doctors. If we did all go and DS was too ill to do much, DD could go out with her cousins and the rest of the family. She's used to spending time with my mum so no worries for her. Another family member taking her would be ideal but unfortunately they're all already there.

VyeBrator · 11/04/2022 18:45

@PutinIsAWarCriminal

I didn't even need to read to the end. Take your dd, have some mother-daughter quality time.
Perhaps you should have, or at least the updates.
WakeMeUpWhenTheyHaveGone · 11/04/2022 18:50

Take both DC.

PutinSmellsPassItOn · 11/04/2022 18:53

I have two dc with Autism. So we've always done separate holidays and breaks away. It gives them quality time and means they get more out of a break as we can work things around individual needs.

So go. But if you can maybe afford a few nights in a premier inn to give ds a break too doing just what he wants then do that too.

phizog · 11/04/2022 18:56

I think it does sound like your DD is looking forward to this and has had an equally tough time of it - and shouldn't be denied this opportunity because of DS. He may not understand or be angry about it, but so will your DD, and just because she isn't prone to outbursts or have autism, doesn't mean her needs/wants don't matter.

Is it an option for just your DD to go as there is family on the other side to look after her? I know they have the unaccompanied minors programme on airlines where a crew member will ensure they are ok and supported through immigration, customs etc (my mum was crew and they did this). However, I think all of you going would be ideal obviously as your needs to see your family, particularly to grieve your dad are important.

Hollywolly1 · 11/04/2022 18:58

In a way it could be more stressful for you leaving him behind so I'd probably bring him for that reason alone and even though your can manage him you will feel quilty

Cornishjam1162 · 11/04/2022 19:18

@starsparkle08

I’d just take your daughter . I have a violent son with autism and if in your shoes would do this
Yes me too.

I have a 4 year old with autism that has aggressive meltdowns, his sister misses out on so much.

OP how much does your son understand? I'm guessing he's verbal and has a reasonable level of understanding as you mentioned him being excited?

I would spin it like this, the rules are that anybody who is ill cannot fly. Period. Its not your decision and you're devastated to not be able to take him, but you just cannot. It's the law.

Ask your husband to spoil him for the week, whatever activities he wants to do (within DH's abilities), perhaps a special gift?

So long as he doesn't think it's your choice, I don't think you need to worry about him resenting you. It's just one of those things isn't it? He's also not the only one missing out, your DH is too, so DS knows he's not alone and it's nothing personal.

Cornishjam1162 · 11/04/2022 19:20

Sorry I missed your update. I hope you have a lovely trip and I'm very sorry for your loss Flowers

Teaandtoastedbiscuits · 11/04/2022 19:26

I would go with dd. You need a break are recently bereaved and caring for 2 children on your own is hard enough without throwing one of them who is sick into the mix. All this on top of a big family event full of people you want to spend time with and probably haven't seen in ages This could be your chance to hand over the reins to your husband regarding helping to care for your son. Also your dds chance to take centre stage for awhile. You could always take a short break with your son when you come back

PoshWatchShitShoes · 11/04/2022 19:28

I wouldn't leave my ill child at home to go on holiday. He'll remember forever. Reschedule for a later date.

Zonder · 11/04/2022 19:30

Go and have a lovely time. Sounds like he will get better soon and you have lots of support there.

HELLITHURT · 11/04/2022 19:34

@PutinSmellsPassItOn

I have two dc with Autism. So we've always done separate holidays and breaks away. It gives them quality time and means they get more out of a break as we can work things around individual needs.

So go. But if you can maybe afford a few nights in a premier inn to give ds a break too doing just what he wants then do that too.

This, your DS will have full attention from his DD.

Also all this I couldn't leave my sick child, the child had two parents, would you expect the father to stay home if it was tgd other way round?

Sorry for your loss OP Thanks

NameChange30 · 11/04/2022 19:42

@PoshWatchShitShoes

I wouldn't leave my ill child at home to go on holiday. He'll remember forever. Reschedule for a later date.
Have you read the OP's posts? It's not a holiday, it's a trip to see family after a recent bereavement.
JesusSufferingFuck22 · 11/04/2022 19:46

Your ds is contagious. I don't know if your family would thank you for bringing a sick child.
Reschedule if you can.
Guaranteed you and dd would get I'll on holiday with ds bug.
Why not plan smaller something just with your dd and then do something with your ds when he's better

IvorCutler · 11/04/2022 19:46

I couldn’t leave my (also autistic) ds home in your shoes. He’d be heartbroken.