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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To leave my son behind?

174 replies

namechange76217052684 · 11/04/2022 15:38

Holiday tomorrow for a week in Europe. Booked last October for me, DH and 2 DC. DH can't come because his health is too bad (chronic condition, been on the cards for a while that he wouldn't make it). DS is 6 and has had a cough for about a week. PCR (for travel) came back negative this morning. Today the cough is much worse, temperature is rising (only 38 so far) and I think he has the beginnings of a chest infection. GP apt in a couple of hours to have him examined.

DS is autistic and has violent meltdowns most days. DD (10) has suffered the last couple of years and is really looking forward to this holiday. Would I be unreasonable to take her and leave DS at home (with DH, who is healthy enough to care for him just not enough to travel).

Context: it's not really just a holiday. My family live abroad, we haven't seen each other for 3 years, and this is a big family reunion with everyone flying in to be together. It was organised and paid for by my dad who died suddenly a few weeks ago. I've been desperately looking forward to being with my family and DD is desperate to see her cousins. DS is just as excited to go, although will likely find the whole thing quite challenging. I've spent months preparing how to make it work for him.

What would you do? Give up on the holiday and all stay home? Take both children and hope for the best? Or just take DD?

Any option other than all going as planned is going to be devastating for the children and given how terrible this year has been I honestly don't know if we'll be able to take another blow. As I type this I'm leaning towards just taking both children unless the Dr this afternoon says it's out of the question. I know many will say I'm being unreasonable to spread whatever he has. But I think many people would have taken a child with a cough/cold on holiday pre-covid. Maybe it depends what the Dr says.

OP posts:

NotVeryOuting · 11/04/2022 22:48

[quote MyDcAreMarvel]@NotVeryOuting sorry I said it was obvious before I read the rest of your post. I can see why it wasn’t obvious to you, apologises.[/quote]
Thank you and sorry if I sounded like a dick to you too

MyDcAreMarvel · 11/04/2022 22:54

@NotVeryOuting it’s ok you honestly didn’t.

Booboobagins · 11/04/2022 23:07

Hi OP.

Unless you're going somewhere without good docs, I'd take him. Give him calpol/ paracetamol for the trip. Kids get over viruses really quickly, but if he gets a chest infection you can get him to a doc where you're visiting, so what's the prob?

Don't leave him at home. He will feel punished and your DH might not be well enough to cope.

Hope you have a lovely break with your family x

NameChange30 · 12/04/2022 09:12

@NotVeryOuting

I think you're doing the right thing deciding to take him (you'll probably still get a lot of replies from people saying to leave him behind who don't bother to read the thread though)

Its such a tough position to be in.

I do think you and your daughter need time together and you absolutely should carve out some time together and maybe if it's something that's always been planned as a just you and her thing with plenty of notice so your son has some time to come to terms with it and spend bits of time on his own with dad.

This scenario is it starting off being a family holiday with him included and then springing it him the night before or the morning big of the holiday that only is he not coming but he'll also have to cope without you, and you've already acknowledged he'd be hysterical and not cope so I'm not sure why some people are saying he'd have a brilliant time bonding with his Dad doing boy time.

And I'm surprised the post saying he's like Kevin is still there, if that's a reference to the book/film We Need to Talk About Kevin it's a really shit thing for them to say about your son.

I think after this trip I'd maybe look at a night away on the future just you and dd because it sounds like you both need that but of time too.

I agree with this.

wombat1a · 12/04/2022 09:48

Going against the grain, I think you need to take both, if you DH is too unwell to travel then having the house to himself for a week may well do him the world of good.

SilverDoe · 12/04/2022 13:52

@NotVeryOuting FWIW I saw that comment and my immediate thought was also We Need to Talk About Kevin and I also thought it was a weird and nasty comment.

I didn't say anything because I wasn't sure but I certainly didn't think of Home Alone.

bethankfulforwhatyouhave · 12/04/2022 18:11

Please take him. I was him when I was younger, got left behind, and it's something I still remember now, and I'm not neurodiverse. He'll be heartbroken and no matter what he does with dh, he'll still be devastated. Knowing how he'll feel makes my heart hurt, honestly, it'll be a big thing for him, please take him

PinkSyCo · 12/04/2022 18:23

Having read all your posts, imo you have to take your DS on holiday with you OP. Hopefully you have and you’re all sunning yourself on the beach now and your DS feeling a lot better.

Bootothegoose · 12/04/2022 18:44

Honestly? If DH is staying at home, I'd go.

He's not being fobbed off or left with relatives, he's at home with his Father. Spin it as he's too poorly to go so he can relax at home with Daddy, bring him a massive present home and give yourself and your daughter a break.

Not only could it possibly be Covid but he may need medication. It's bloody rotten being away from home when you're ill and it's even worse when it's someone else. If he's volatile at the best of times I really would go without him. There is no reason for DD to lose out too.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 12/04/2022 18:46

I have read the thread carefully and I still wouldn't bring DS this time. It's not even about DS's health, though the illness would be a concrete reason that he might understand for why he can't go.

The bigger problem that I can see ahead, is that this isn't a fun holiday or a lovely break. That was your father's plan but ithings have changed. Your mum was widowed only a few weeks ago and this is a first visit with your newly bereaved family. I remember the first family social events soon after my grandfather died, and after my mother died too. They were emotionally challenging and exhausting and people weren't their usual selves.

DD can leave the adults to grieve and go off to play with her cousins. But DS can't. The rest of the family may want to help but they can't be very familiar with DS if you haven't met for three years, and they are grieving too. So you will have to deal with everyone's emotions, plus your own, plus DS's behaviour and the family's reaction to it, and without DH to relieve the load.

So I still think the best (or least-worst) option would be for you and DD to go, and take DS to see your family another time.

Anyway I guess you have decided now and I hope it goes well whatever decision you have made.

Notmrsfitz · 12/04/2022 19:27

Leave the mum guilt behind - and go, he can have a chilled week with his Dad and you get to catch up with your family with your daughter.

It is what it is and with the best will in the world you can’t always carry plans through - you just have to take opportunities when you can.

Loudhousefun · 12/04/2022 21:03

I agree with AlternativePerspective, it is exactly what I thought when I read your posts.

Branleuse · 12/04/2022 22:10

Im glad youre not leaving him behind. I dont think people would suggest leaving him if he wasnt autistic.
Autistic kids cant help having such big overwhelming feelings. We have to parent them in ways that help them learn to manage these, and that isnt by leaving them out of things theyve been promised to go on.

Augustmummy · 13/04/2022 05:54

others may not agree but I think this particular holiday is important for you to attend. Unless DS is so ill he is bed bound, just brace yourself for a potential nightmare journey, give DS ibuprofen and calpol every 2 hours and take them both. I think this holiday will be worth it for all of you.

How does DH usually cope when looking after DS? I guess it all depends on that really xx enjoy your hol and sorry about your dad xx
my mum died last thursday - its all such a shock xx

HELLITHURT · 13/04/2022 07:19

@Augustmummy

How does DH usually cope when looking after DS? I guess it all depends on that really xx enjoy your hol and sorry about your dad xx
my mum died last thursday - its all such a shock xx

MrsSkylerWhite · 13/04/2022 07:25

namechange76217052684

DS would be hysterical if I didn't take him and I'm not sure he'd ever quite understand. There's so much he misses out on already. He's also very attached to me. In fact he can generally only fall asleep if I'm next to him. I have no idea if he'd cope if I was gone for a whole week.“

In which case, I couldn’t go without him (but that’s very easy for me to say, I know).
I think I’d be worried about leaving him with his dad, though, if his health is so volatile. Presumably, he could pick up whatever your son has.

All in all, I think I would postpone. I wouldn’t be able to relax, worrying about them.

MarvellousMonsters · 13/04/2022 09:56

@namechange76217052684

I have an autistic child, so I understand this completely. I think taking him is the only option. Your DD will have fun with her cousins etc, and you will get to see your family, but leaving your DS will be deeply traumatic for him.

007Stocko · 13/04/2022 10:28

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

Typically even a slight cold is enough to make him very volatile.

What does this even mean? Is he not capable of looking after his son?

You've answered your own question haven't you! You go to the doctors and be guided by what he says in terms of your sons condition and travel. If they recommend not travelling, or feel the condition would get worse before it gets better, or is contagious, then you all stop at home.

To leave him with your husband knowing they are both going to have a difficult time seems off.

What does your husband say?

NotVeryOuting · 13/04/2022 11:18

To leave him with your husband knowing they are both going to have a difficult time seems off.

What does your husband say?

Op was due to fly yesterday @007Stocko and had already updated the thread saying she was taking them both. She will probably be on her holiday now with both her children.

Pinkfluff76 · 13/04/2022 17:07

Take your DD and leave the boys at home. So sorry about you Dad.

GlomOfNit · 13/04/2022 19:27

OP, this sounds so hard. I'm so sorry that your long-awaited family get-together now has the shadow of your father's recent death over it.

Is there any way, without incurring horrible costs, that you can postpone your flights for a day or so to let your DS's lurgy improve a bit, or for the meds to kick in. If it's 'just' a chest infection and definitely not Covid, and he's feeling better, I don't see why he shouldn't travel. I hear you re. illness making him more volatile though. Can you manage him on your own abroad though, without DH? I have a severely autistic son and I think I would struggle to cope with him on my own abroad. Maybe your family can help? I also have my parents living abroad and it's so hard. We rarely see my dad now and each time, I wonder if we will again, so I have huge sympathy with you. Hope you find a way through and to be able to enjoy this time with your family.

Toria33 · 24/01/2023 18:05

I would rearrange but that’s just me

Ginger1982 · 24/01/2023 18:08

Toria33 · 24/01/2023 18:05

I would rearrange but that’s just me

Why would you resurrect this thread?

Toria33 · 24/01/2023 18:32

Ginger1982 · 24/01/2023 18:08

Why would you resurrect this thread?

Show quote history

Sorry it was a email I didn’t check the date

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