To leave my son behind?

[namechange76217052684]

Holiday tomorrow for a week in Europe. Booked last October for me, DH and 2 DC. DH can't come because his health is too bad (chronic condition, been on the cards for a while that he wouldn't make it). DS is 6 and has had a cough for about a week. PCR (for travel) came back negative this morning. Today the cough is much worse, temperature is rising (only 38 so far) and I think he has the beginnings of a chest infection. GP apt in a couple of hours to have him examined.

DS is autistic and has violent meltdowns most days. DD (10) has suffered the last couple of years and is really looking forward to this holiday. Would I be unreasonable to take her and leave DS at home (with DH, who is healthy enough to care for him just not enough to travel).

Context: it's not really just a holiday. My family live abroad, we haven't seen each other for 3 years, and this is a big family reunion with everyone flying in to be together. It was organised and paid for by my dad who died suddenly a few weeks ago. I've been desperately looking forward to being with my family and DD is desperate to see her cousins. DS is just as excited to go, although will likely find the whole thing quite challenging. I've spent months preparing how to make it work for him.

What would you do? Give up on the holiday and all stay home? Take both children and hope for the best? Or just take DD?

Any option other than all going as planned is going to be devastating for the children and given how terrible this year has been I honestly don't know if we'll be able to take another blow. As I type this I'm leaning towards just taking both children unless the Dr this afternoon says it's out of the question. I know many will say I'm being unreasonable to spread whatever he has. But I think many people would have taken a child with a cough/cold on holiday pre-covid. Maybe it depends what the Dr says.

Given what the GP has said and you will have plenty of support from family I would take your DS.

I wouldn't take DS (have a DS with ASD too) as a sick volatile child abroad doesn't sound fun for him or anyone else.

I would explain he is too ill to travel and promise him his own adventure just with you when you get back and let him choose something that he would really enjoy (whatever that might be Legoland etc. etc.). Then have a lovely time with DD.

This is absolutely what I would do, each child gets some undivided attention this way and a lot less stress for you.

Are you certain they won't take his temp? How would he cope if you are refused entry to the plane (or rather he is)? Or is there zero risk of that these days?

You'll probably get away with it but I'm not sure it's a risk I'd take.

Take both your children. Sounds like you will have support when there. You can't stop the world every time someone gets sick.

I also have to say. I've got a great supportive DH. When my DF died suddenly, he was great but, I needed my blood family to grieve with, the memories to talk about.

OP you need to grieve with your family.

If that means leaving DS with his DF, that's fine.

Given what the gp said as long as you can cope with him on the actual journey I would take him. Take lots of extra calpol though as these things are often much more expensive abroad.

Don't let your dd miss a lovely family holiday with her extended family if you think your ds isn't well enough to travel.
Either take both or just your dd.

I would go and take both kids. It sounds like he will be miserable if you leave him and you will end up not enjoying your vacation if he is hysterical at home.

You have lots of family around to help you out and DD will get to do lots of fun things with cousins and aunts and uncles and grandparents - even if you need to stay back with a sick DS for a day or two. You will also get a change of scenery and time with family to talk about your dad and to be together.

Take him. You need your family right now and they need you. Your DD needs this time away. Your entire family will help with ds if needed and he’ll be happier to be around you.

I don’t think you get antibiotics for tonsillitis unless it’s bacterial, and it can be nasty. Oh OP, I think I’d postpone tbh.

Take your DD and leave DS at home.

Have his DF do a lot of fun stuff with him. He'd probably enjoy the extra attention from Dad.

You're probably overthinking how bad it would be. He might have an extra meltdown or two and as long as Dad keeps him entertained and structured, he'll be fine.

Take just your DD unless your son is properly on the mend.

No matter how full on, DS’ feelings don’t trump other people’s. Enjoy yourself with DD.

I couldn't leave ds from what you've said. I also have a ds who has asd. Honestly though I wouldn't leave any of mine at home asd or not. I'd have to postpone

Sorry for your loss OP. This is indeed a dilemma, and one I can relate to. I have twins, one is autistic with a high level of complex needs, and the other is on the ASD pathway, but with few additional needs. My 2nd boy has regularly had to come second and be disappointed for the sake of his twin.

I think in your situation, I would leave DS behind and take DD. He would have a tough time with the trip anyway, and will probably find it harder being ill. Being at home, although hard for him, will still probably be less so than going away.

Knowing how upset DD would be not to go, I don't think I could bear for her to be disappointed again.

And I think it will be good for you to go.

My second choice would be to take DS too. I wouldn't want to cancel this trip.

I think you're doing the right thing deciding to take him (you'll probably still get a lot of replies from people saying to leave him behind who don't bother to read the thread though)

Its such a tough position to be in.

I do think you and your daughter need time together and you absolutely should carve out some time together and maybe if it's something that's always been planned as a just you and her thing with plenty of notice so your son has some time to come to terms with it and spend bits of time on his own with dad.

This scenario is it starting off being a family holiday with him included and then springing it him the night before or the morning big of the holiday that only is he not coming but he'll also have to cope without you, and you've already acknowledged he'd be hysterical and not cope so I'm not sure why some people are saying he'd have a brilliant time bonding with his Dad doing boy time.

And I'm surprised the post saying he's like Kevin is still there, if that's a reference to the book/film We Need to Talk About Kevin it's a really shit thing for them to say about your son.

I think after this trip I'd maybe look at a night away on the future just you and dd because it sounds like you both need that but of time too.

would they let him on the flight with a temp though some are doing random checks and might refuse him

Take him. My sons autistic and similar attachment issues - I really cohoe think face the anxiety repercussions following this.
Nope. Take him.

@NotVeryOuting And I'm surprised the post saying he's like Kevin is still there, if that's a reference to the book/film We Need to Talk About Kevin it's a really shit thing for them to say about your son.
Have you never heard of Home alone?

If your DS feels well enough to travel I'd take him OP. Absolutely.

Tonsillitis is not infectious as Covid you need to have very specific contact which is easily avoidable. Has he taking antibiotics OP? If so, he should feel better after 2 days. I would take him as your back up plan for your visit sounds much better then plan for leaving him. Leaving him for a week when he’s not used to it could be very problematic to your DH and you might have a bigger problem on return.

[quote MyDcAreMarvel]**@NotVeryOuting* And I'm surprised the post saying he's like Kevin is still there, if that's a reference to the book/film We Need to Talk About Kevin it's a really shit thing for them to say about your son.*
Have you never heard of Home alone?[/quote]
Of course I have, I'm not the first poster to have made a comment on that post who didn't link it to Home Alone and there's nothing in the OP that sounds like the plot of Home Alone at all.

That's not me trying to be a dickhead, I genuinely didn't make the link between OP worrying leaving a sick distressed child who has daily violent meltdowns with his father for a week with Kevin McAllister and (wrongly) assumed it was a reference about the violent meltdowns.

I'm neurodiverse myself and it's not uncommon for ignorant and judgemental comments to be me made on here and in daily life around around autism so I owe @Hawkins001 an apology if they meant Home Alone, I genuinely apologise @Hawkins001

I think leave him with his dad and take your daughter, he's unwell so the travel etc coukd take a lot out of him. My daughter was prone to tonsilitis and it could take a week of antibiotics before she perked up.

And i don't think your choice is to take them both or stay home - leaving him with his dad is a reasonable option, they will cope together, but if you never leave him with his dad you'll never discover this. If you were in hospital for any reason they would have to cope.

And it would be lovely for your daughter to get some time with you, without your son taking most of your attention.

@NotVeryOuting I don’t think it’s like home alone either but it was very obviously the reference.

@NotVeryOuting sorry I said it was obvious before I read the rest of your post. I can see why it wasn’t obvious to you, apologises.