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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave my son behind?

174 replies

namechange76217052684 · 11/04/2022 15:38

Holiday tomorrow for a week in Europe. Booked last October for me, DH and 2 DC. DH can't come because his health is too bad (chronic condition, been on the cards for a while that he wouldn't make it). DS is 6 and has had a cough for about a week. PCR (for travel) came back negative this morning. Today the cough is much worse, temperature is rising (only 38 so far) and I think he has the beginnings of a chest infection. GP apt in a couple of hours to have him examined.

DS is autistic and has violent meltdowns most days. DD (10) has suffered the last couple of years and is really looking forward to this holiday. Would I be unreasonable to take her and leave DS at home (with DH, who is healthy enough to care for him just not enough to travel).

Context: it's not really just a holiday. My family live abroad, we haven't seen each other for 3 years, and this is a big family reunion with everyone flying in to be together. It was organised and paid for by my dad who died suddenly a few weeks ago. I've been desperately looking forward to being with my family and DD is desperate to see her cousins. DS is just as excited to go, although will likely find the whole thing quite challenging. I've spent months preparing how to make it work for him.

What would you do? Give up on the holiday and all stay home? Take both children and hope for the best? Or just take DD?

Any option other than all going as planned is going to be devastating for the children and given how terrible this year has been I honestly don't know if we'll be able to take another blow. As I type this I'm leaning towards just taking both children unless the Dr this afternoon says it's out of the question. I know many will say I'm being unreasonable to spread whatever he has. But I think many people would have taken a child with a cough/cold on holiday pre-covid. Maybe it depends what the Dr says.

OP posts:
fishonabicycle · 11/04/2022 17:13

So what did go say? Will the viral tonsillitis clear up quickly?

Notagoodnight · 11/04/2022 17:13

I'd claim on the insurance and take both children at a later date

fishonabicycle · 11/04/2022 17:13

GP not go

AlternativePerspective · 11/04/2022 17:15

Am going to go against the grain slightly.

IMO it has to be all or none.

I don’t know what your DS’ level of understanding is, but leaving him at home while you take his sister on the lovely holiday he had been looking forward to is something which is likely to stay with him for his whole life.

Even if you’re doing it in his best interests he really isn’t going to see it that way. All he will see is that he was singled out and told at the last minute he wouldn’t be going but his sister would. He will feel as if he’s being punished.

You only have to look at these boards to see the amount of posts from people who have had experiences as children which have remained with them for the rest of their lives.

So if you don’t feel you can take him, then tbh I think you have to all stay home, or at worst leave your dd home too and you go alone to see your family.

2bazookas · 11/04/2022 17:16

Go.You and DD both deserve a break. DS will enjoy a boystime bonding with Dad.

SilverDoe · 11/04/2022 17:16

@namechange76217052684

DS would be hysterical if I didn't take him and I'm not sure he'd ever quite understand. There's so much he misses out on already. He's also very attached to me. In fact he can generally only fall asleep if I'm next to him. I have no idea if he'd cope if I was gone for a whole week.
I'm ever so sorry to say that this would make me unable to leave him.

I'm not judging you at all, I really want you to go and I think you more than deserve it.

Me personally, I would not be able to if he has this much trouble separating. But then again I'd also really struggle to watch my DD miss out on this. You're in an impossible position :(

Nothing to add I know but I wanted to post in solidarity and to say if you can wangle it and, you know your son, if you think he could manage it, I would definitely go, for your DD's sake as well as your own.

azimuth299 · 11/04/2022 17:16

I think it would depend on your DH's ability to cope - if he's optimistic and feels able to look after him then I'd definitely go with just DD. If DS is ill he'll probably do better in his own home with his own things rather than in a strange hotel. I'd be worried that managing a sick autistic child out of routine in another country would mean that you wouldn't be able to connect with your family at all, and sounds hellish for DD too.

If your DH is too sick to cope though, I would take him with and hope for the best.

godmum56 · 11/04/2022 17:18

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

Typically even a slight cold is enough to make him very volatile.

What does this even mean? Is he not capable of looking after his son?

makes the child volatile not the husband
SnowingInApril · 11/04/2022 17:18

I’d take both.

SilverDoe · 11/04/2022 17:19

@AlternativePerspective

Am going to go against the grain slightly.

IMO it has to be all or none.

I don’t know what your DS’ level of understanding is, but leaving him at home while you take his sister on the lovely holiday he had been looking forward to is something which is likely to stay with him for his whole life.

Even if you’re doing it in his best interests he really isn’t going to see it that way. All he will see is that he was singled out and told at the last minute he wouldn’t be going but his sister would. He will feel as if he’s being punished.

You only have to look at these boards to see the amount of posts from people who have had experiences as children which have remained with them for the rest of their lives.

So if you don’t feel you can take him, then tbh I think you have to all stay home, or at worst leave your dd home too and you go alone to see your family.

My DD is also 6 and she would definitely remember forever at this point if she was left behind to go on holiday.

On balance after reading this post, I think you should try and organise a lovely week at home for all of you. Day trips out with your DD, spare cash you've saved to take with you to go on treats, meals out or takeaways to give yourself a break, etc.

Having kids is such a sacrifice and it's such a shame to miss out but I don't know how it will be okay with some going and some not.

Remember this doesn't have to be the only holiday you ever plan Flowers

AryaStarkWolf · 11/04/2022 17:19

@namechange76217052684

DS would be hysterical if I didn't take him and I'm not sure he'd ever quite understand. There's so much he misses out on already. He's also very attached to me. In fact he can generally only fall asleep if I'm next to him. I have no idea if he'd cope if I was gone for a whole week.
Then you have to take him with you really. Get some medication for his chest and go
Branleuse · 11/04/2022 17:21

i would postpone. Your dd deserves a break as do you, but not at your other childs expense. He would potentially feel abandoned if youve been bigging it up for ages and also plans changing like that are difficult, along with the fact he is getting ill. You might take ill when you go. Do you want to potentially take covid to your family or be ill while away?
Only way id consider going without him, is if you promised that you would take him seperatly and he could understand that and agreed to it.

Unforgettablefire · 11/04/2022 17:23

I think it would be kinder and fairer on everyone if your son was left at home. He’s poorly and travelling abroad wouldn’t be fair on him he’d be miserable, there’s the rest of the family to consider also as well as the other passengers on the plane going on holiday.

Lovemusic33 · 11/04/2022 17:23

I would take both dc, chances are antibiotic will kick in pretty quickly 24/48 hours and he will be fine again? My DC’s has ASD and just wouldn’t cope without me for a week.

SpidersAreShitheads · 11/04/2022 17:25

@namechange76217052684

DS would be hysterical if I didn't take him and I'm not sure he'd ever quite understand. There's so much he misses out on already. He's also very attached to me. In fact he can generally only fall asleep if I'm next to him. I have no idea if he'd cope if I was gone for a whole week.
I've got two autistic DC and this is just what my DS would have been like aged 6. He's now 12 and while his understanding has improved, he still wouldn't cope if I was away for even a night.

Autistic distress is incredibly real and profound. I hate to say this, but I think you'd be causing real trauma by leaving him behind. And to anyone who doesn't have autistic DC, no that's not an exaggeration - little things can cause enormous responses which don't subside. I speak from bitter experience unfortunately. So if your DS is anything like mine, I would say that leaving him just isn't viable right now. And that's a shame for your DD as maybe some time away would have been beneficial for her.

Glad it's just tonsillitis though, absolutely no reason not to take him if you think he can cope with travel.

Huge hugs and sympathy, it's not easy. I don't fly with mine because the hassle just isn't worth it so full respect to you!!

SilverDoe · 11/04/2022 17:25

And sorry to spam your thread I should really think a bit and try and write a bit more succinctly!

But would you even be able to relax and enjoy it if you know your DH is ill to the point of not being able to travel, looking after your likely very distressed, also ill autistic child?

Again I'm not trying to guilt trip you, I just know I wouldn't be able to relax (not even just not have a good time, I would get very anxious and stressed) if I left them at home together.

Have a lovely week at home and rearrange if you can if I were you Flowers

Step1234 · 11/04/2022 17:25

I would take them both.

WhoppingBigBackside · 11/04/2022 17:25

Yes. You and your DD need a break

DoorWasAJar · 11/04/2022 17:31

@Hawkins001

Reminds me of Kevin
That’s a bit much, are you saying OP’s son is a psychopathic killer to be?
DramaLlamaAlwaysLaughs · 11/04/2022 17:32

How’s your son feel not going?
If I’d been left out of a holiday when I was a teen/younger I’d be well pissed off

azimuth299 · 11/04/2022 17:35

I have an autistic DS too, and I agree that he would be extremely distressed by being left, but he would also be extremely distressed if the holiday was cancelled and everyone stayed home, and extremely distressed if he had to be ill and sleep in a different bed in a different country without his things. Yes the least upsetting thing for him would be the everyone stays home version, but there are really no good options for him here.

I would imagine a ten year old DD who has borne the brunt of daily violent meltdowns for an extended period of time would be adding the cancelled holiday to a long list of resentments towards her brother. I think that although there is no great option, the opportunity to grant DD some respite and for the OP to be able to connect with her family would do a lot of good.

Fulmine · 11/04/2022 17:40

@namechange76217052684

Just been to Dr, it's viral tonsillitis. All vitals completely fine, just enlarged tonsils which are causing the cough
What did the doctor say about him travelling? It doesn't sound a good idea, to be honest, tonsillitis can make you feel absolutely lousy.
Fulmine · 11/04/2022 17:41

Long, long shot: is there any other relative who could take DD? Would she be OK with that?

IReallyLikeCrows · 11/04/2022 17:42

I think you either have to leave him at home with your DH or cancel the trip. Taking him while he's ill with all the other issues will ruin the break for both you and your daughter. It will all be about looking after him. I honestly don't know what the best decision is but I really hope you and your DD can get away for a little while. You're in a horrible situation where whatever decision you make will probably feel like the wrong one and make you feel guilty. Please try not to do the latter, you're obviously a lovely mum.

Doggirl · 11/04/2022 17:42

You only have to look at these boards to see the amount of posts from people who have had experiences as children which have remained with them for the rest of their lives.

Indeed, and I'm one of them.

But what you also see on these boardsonly in relatively 'safe' spaces where people can be fairly honest without accusations of being 'ableist' or similaris people who have spent their childhoods having their wants and even needs held secondary because of a sibling's condition. And becoming, at some level, resentful of that.

There is no easy answer.