To leave my son behind?

[namechange76217052684]

Holiday tomorrow for a week in Europe. Booked last October for me, DH and 2 DC. DH can't come because his health is too bad (chronic condition, been on the cards for a while that he wouldn't make it). DS is 6 and has had a cough for about a week. PCR (for travel) came back negative this morning. Today the cough is much worse, temperature is rising (only 38 so far) and I think he has the beginnings of a chest infection. GP apt in a couple of hours to have him examined.

DS is autistic and has violent meltdowns most days. DD (10) has suffered the last couple of years and is really looking forward to this holiday. Would I be unreasonable to take her and leave DS at home (with DH, who is healthy enough to care for him just not enough to travel).

Context: it's not really just a holiday. My family live abroad, we haven't seen each other for 3 years, and this is a big family reunion with everyone flying in to be together. It was organised and paid for by my dad who died suddenly a few weeks ago. I've been desperately looking forward to being with my family and DD is desperate to see her cousins. DS is just as excited to go, although will likely find the whole thing quite challenging. I've spent months preparing how to make it work for him.

What would you do? Give up on the holiday and all stay home? Take both children and hope for the best? Or just take DD?

Any option other than all going as planned is going to be devastating for the children and given how terrible this year has been I honestly don't know if we'll be able to take another blow. As I type this I'm leaning towards just taking both children unless the Dr this afternoon says it's out of the question. I know many will say I'm being unreasonable to spread whatever he has. But I think many people would have taken a child with a cough/cold on holiday pre-covid. Maybe it depends what the Dr says.

Do make sure to consider your travel insurance if you do take your DS, OP. Would he be insured if he was to become worse abroad, bearing in mind the illness started here, etc.?

Reminds me of Kevin

@jampim Yes, I did read the OP.

She lists taking both kids as one of her options and says As I type this I'm leaning towards just taking both children unless the Dr this afternoon says it's out of the question.

Chest infections are not particularly infectious. She is seeking advice from a doctor.

@namechange76217052684

DS would be hysterical if I didn't take him and I'm not sure he'd ever quite understand. There's so much he misses out on already. He's also very attached to me. In fact he can generally only fall asleep if I'm next to him. I have no idea if he'd cope if I was gone for a whole week.

Wait and see what the GP says, but I'd be inclined to take him, seeing as he is pcr negative because I think leaving him and if he is that distraught is going to make your DH's job of minding him exponentially harder than if you were there and that then might affect your DH's condition.

I would take both, France has better medical care than the UK so I'm sure he'll be fine. Can you get a babysitter to give you some time alone with your family while you are away, whether paid or a family member?

LFT, marker pen, never ever confess?
Not for everyone mind....

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

Typically even a slight cold is enough to make him very volatile.

What does this even mean? Is he not capable of looking after his son?

I took this to mean DH maybe not able to cope as DS gets volatile. Could be wrong though.

What a lovely opportunity to have quality time with your DD without your attention being taken by DS. This is probably a memory that she will cherish and potentially a refreshing break for you. Go and enjoy and grieve your father with your family.

Take your daughter, your DH will cope

I would. It's a good opportunity for one on one with your bairn and maybe forge new connections with your youngest and his dad. It's not good to be the one and only as there may be times you'll not be there. Eg in hospital.

It's a week, everyone will survive.

For one week, I'd say take DD and then go another time just with DS. Family can all bond in little groups as well as all together.

I would. I think this is important for you and your DD to have a break together..

'He's also very attached to me. In fact he can generally only fall asleep if I'm next to him. I have no idea if he'd cope if I was gone for a whole week.'

You can't leave your ds if he generally only falls asleep next to you.

You can't take a ds with a cough and temp to Europe, at best he'll infect everyone you're visiting even if just a bog standard virus at worst he'll get worse and need treatment.

You need to postpone your trip.

What does this even mean? Is he not capable of looking after his son?

She's talking about her son!

Just been to Dr, it's viral tonsillitis. All vitals completely fine, just enlarged tonsils which are causing the cough

Take DD . It will be a good bonding experience for DH and DS.
Most chest infections are viral abs no I wouldn’t take an I’ll child on a plane. Not fair to others

I knew I'd get strong views and mixed responses!

I'd take both. Unless the GP says he has something contagious and likely to be ill for a while.
DC, in my experience, very often bounce back from high temperatures and the most horrendous sounding coughs very quickly.
So I'd plan to take both, with contingency plan for DS to stay behind if GP says he something a little more serious/longer term than a day.

How much would your son's illness in conjunction with his autism, end up dominating the holiday? Seeing it from the perspective of the other children and in particular the daughter, here. No-one benefits if a pall is cast over everyone on the trip. And from your daughter's perspective, it could end up as yet another thing where she misses out due to her brother.

Personally I'd say go and spend some quality time with your family and 121 time with your DD. I'm guessing she doesn't often get the lion's share of attention with a neurodiverse sibling.

If your DS is as attached to you as you say, it might also be a good opportunity for him to bond with your DH?

@namechange76217052684

Just been to Dr, it's viral tonsillitis. All vitals completely fine, just enlarged tonsils which are causing the cough

This being the case - are you planning to take both children ?

Given the circumstances you have stated if it were me, I would not want to leave my DS behind .

How will your extended family feel about his illness? I don't know much about tonsillitis, is it infectious? (Sorry if that's a stupid question but none of my family have had this).

this is a very tricky one.

what does your DH think? Is he happy to have a week with DS and prepared to be fully engaged with making it work? Or would he dread it and moan and the two of them end up arguing? And will you enjoy a break without him or will you be always worrying?

Also, what support do you have for DS at the holiday location? do you have sympathetic family who will help and a good place to stay? Or will it be a hotel & lots of travelling and difficult family members?

I think this has to be a family decision by you + DH considering that you & DD should definitely go and DS should be in whichever location makes everyone happiest.

I would take him unless the doctor says he is too I'll to go.

what does your DH think? Is he happy to have a week with DS and prepared to be fully engaged with making it work? Or would he dread it and moan and the two of them end up arguing?

It's a difficult one. The fact that the DH's health keeps him from this trip, suggests he also won't have the physical stamina to do much wrangling.

Go without him. Will be a lovely trip for you and DD. You can’t take him if he’s ill with a fever, you may get turned back at the airport.