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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave my son behind?

174 replies

namechange76217052684 · 11/04/2022 15:38

Holiday tomorrow for a week in Europe. Booked last October for me, DH and 2 DC. DH can't come because his health is too bad (chronic condition, been on the cards for a while that he wouldn't make it). DS is 6 and has had a cough for about a week. PCR (for travel) came back negative this morning. Today the cough is much worse, temperature is rising (only 38 so far) and I think he has the beginnings of a chest infection. GP apt in a couple of hours to have him examined.

DS is autistic and has violent meltdowns most days. DD (10) has suffered the last couple of years and is really looking forward to this holiday. Would I be unreasonable to take her and leave DS at home (with DH, who is healthy enough to care for him just not enough to travel).

Context: it's not really just a holiday. My family live abroad, we haven't seen each other for 3 years, and this is a big family reunion with everyone flying in to be together. It was organised and paid for by my dad who died suddenly a few weeks ago. I've been desperately looking forward to being with my family and DD is desperate to see her cousins. DS is just as excited to go, although will likely find the whole thing quite challenging. I've spent months preparing how to make it work for him.

What would you do? Give up on the holiday and all stay home? Take both children and hope for the best? Or just take DD?

Any option other than all going as planned is going to be devastating for the children and given how terrible this year has been I honestly don't know if we'll be able to take another blow. As I type this I'm leaning towards just taking both children unless the Dr this afternoon says it's out of the question. I know many will say I'm being unreasonable to spread whatever he has. But I think many people would have taken a child with a cough/cold on holiday pre-covid. Maybe it depends what the Dr says.

OP posts:
MyDcAreMarvel · 11/04/2022 17:43

Of course you can’t take him now , the virus that causes tonsillitis is contagious, you cannot take him on a plane.

MyDcAreMarvel · 11/04/2022 17:44

@Lovemusic33 I would take both dc, chances are antibiotic will kick in pretty quickly it’s a virus!

Bonheurdupasse · 11/04/2022 17:46

Take your DD and go.

CallMeDaddy58 · 11/04/2022 17:48

Tonsillitis is horrible. Really horrible. The viral version is obviously contagious & isn’t going to clear up with antibiotics.

Any reason the trip can’t be postponed by even just 3 days? Or shortened?

Spinakker · 11/04/2022 17:50

I think you should leave your DS at home. If he's ill then hes not fit for travel. I think your dd and you deserve a break and DS will have to learn at some point that disappointments are a part of life and get used to handling them.

chopc · 11/04/2022 17:51

Others will be fine from catching tonsillitis provided he doesn't cough all over them or miss them in the mouth. It is not contagious like chicken pox

godmum56 · 11/04/2022 17:55

I'd stay home with the family. Plan to do some lovely girl stuff with your DD while your husband looks after your DS. Very sad but the childen come first.

HaveringWavering · 11/04/2022 17:56

Are you really sure that your DH would be unable to travel but would be able to have sole care of an autistic 6 year-old who is distressed at his mother leaving him behind? All things considered, would it not be easier for your DH just to come in the trip? You could get special assistance on the flight and you’ll have family members there at the other end to share the load. Are you sure that your DH is not making excuses not to go?

Sorry for your loss.

SueSaid · 11/04/2022 17:56

'There is no easy answer.'

Unless I'm missing something there is. Postpone and go once ds is better.

Sorry about your df op Flowers

HaveringWavering · 11/04/2022 17:57

@MyDcAreMarvel

Of course you can’t take him now , the virus that causes tonsillitis is contagious, you cannot take him on a plane.
It’s not against the law to travel with a virus that is not Covid!
MarriedThreeChildren · 11/04/2022 18:01

Yes you are missing the fact it’s a family events where everyone will gather.
If the OP postpone, she won’t see anyone and will miss the event itself. And so will her dd.

It IS crap to be ill at the wrong time but it happens.

Could you wait until the last minute to take a decision re your ds?
And maybe organise another trip during the summer with both kids if ds can’t make it? I’m sure you’ll all love to see family again.

MyDcAreMarvel · 11/04/2022 18:01

@HaveringWavering wow! So you would put peoples health at risk if you were legally able to do so. What a piece of work you are.

Doggirl · 11/04/2022 18:03

Unless I'm missing something there is. Postpone and go once ds is better.

Simple, yes, but not easy. Even leaving the financial side aside (OP may not have travel insurance, or it might not cover the full cost, or availability/ additional costs of a future date may be impossible), she has to 'undo' the mental preparation for the trip with both her kids.

It may ultimately be the fairest solution all round, but there's no option that isn't at least somewhat shit to someone.

MarriedThreeChildren · 11/04/2022 18:03

Sorry missed the fact you are going tomorrow 🥺🥺

Is your ds in antibiotics for the tonsillitis? If yes I’d take him with you. The fever will have gone and he will be feel better in himself within a day.

HELLITHURT · 11/04/2022 18:03

@JaniieJones

'There is no easy answer.'

Unless I'm missing something there is. Postpone and go once ds is better.

Sorry about your df op Flowers

But that is not an easy answer, this is big family meet up with people flying in from other areas, her DF paid for it and it is certainly not easy to rearrange.

How is yours an easy option? I think you are missing a lot!

MarriedThreeChildren · 11/04/2022 18:05

[quote MyDcAreMarvel]@HaveringWavering wow! So you would put peoples health at risk if you were legally able to do so. What a piece of work you are.[/quote]
I am not aware if anyone who stayed at home or didn’t take a plane before for tonsillitis.

Plus if it is a bacterial tonsillitis (it will be white, puss on the tonsil) you are not contagious anymore after the first antibiotic.

MyDcAreMarvel · 11/04/2022 18:07

@MarriedThreeChildren the op clearly said it was viral. And no people do not as a norm travel on a plane with a contagious illness other than a mild cold. Clearly the selfish few do but most would consider making other sick/ruining the holiday not acceptable behaviour.

Doggirl · 11/04/2022 18:07

I think my answer would be partly swayed by the thought, if it was DD that was ill rather than DS, what would I do? After all, the considerations about one child being gutted to miss out are just as strong either way round.

HaveringWavering · 11/04/2022 18:10

[quote MyDcAreMarvel]@HaveringWavering wow! So you would put peoples health at risk if you were legally able to do so. What a piece of work you are.[/quote]
I would not be wasting the price of a plane ticket or missing a holiday if I had an illness that was mild enough to allow me to travel, no. People travelled with colds and other viruses without a second thought before Covid came along. Perhaps now one might think to wear a mask and be more careful with tissues etc, but it’s ridiculous to suggest that everyone has to be 100% well to travel. Viruses are a fact of life. Going out and about when you have them is how immunity is built.

Doggirl · 11/04/2022 18:14

I would not be wasting the price of a plane ticket or missing a holiday if I had an illness that was mild enough to allow me to travel, no.

But then I'm guessing you're not "autistic [with] violent meltdowns most days". I wouldn't want to prejudge how tonsillitis is likely to affect OP's son, but it doesn't sound like a happy combinatin for anyone to be party to.

Givemeallthegin8 · 11/04/2022 18:16

It sounds like yourself and dd really need this trip .
Would your dh manage to give ds a fun week we home ? Ds could end up ruining the whole trip - my youngest has no sen but would be extremely difficult on a trip if she wasn’t well .

Any chance you could postpone for even 3 days ?

GreenClock · 11/04/2022 18:17

As a former tonsillitis sufferer (I had a private tonsillectomy when I was in my twenties because the bouts were so painful and demoralising) I wouldn’t be taking DS on holiday. He’s better off at home, resting.

But I wouldn’t want DD to miss out. So I’d go as a pair, assuming DH is fit enough to cope with DS.

I am sorry about your dad. Bless him.

VyeBrator · 11/04/2022 18:19

@namechange76217052684

DS would be hysterical if I didn't take him and I'm not sure he'd ever quite understand. There's so much he misses out on already. He's also very attached to me. In fact he can generally only fall asleep if I'm next to him. I have no idea if he'd cope if I was gone for a whole week.
In that case sorry but you would be very unreasonable to leave him behind, especially when he's not well. The whole situation sucks though Thanks
JustOneMoreStep · 11/04/2022 18:21

In this scenario,I am the older sister so perhaps a different perspective. I know I missed out on some things because of my brothers additional needs, but I would have felt soooo guilty at him staying home whilst me and Mum went on holiday, for lots of reasons. Partly just because he was missing out on something he would have been able to access, partly because it's just not fair for him to miss out, partly because I knew how upset he would be and I'd worry about him not coping without mum. I'd also be scared that if I got sick whilst away that I'd be ruining everything for everyone. I dont think its as straightforward as saying DD should go because she misses out on a lot already, it has the potential to put a lot on her shoulders too, to go just the two of you. I would have been upset/sulked at not going because of DB at the time too, but from a MH/emotional perspective it would have been the lesser of the two evils not to go for me.

starsparkle08 · 11/04/2022 18:21

I’d just take your daughter . I have a violent son with autism and if in your shoes would do this