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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To end a friendship due to his use of sex workers?

318 replies

Cornishjam1162 · 11/04/2022 11:45

It has recently come to light that a friend of 15 years is a regular customer of sex workers. We have always wondered why he never wanted to date again after getting a divorce and now it makes sense. I would have never had him down as the type and I'm shocked to say the least. I don't know the circumstances behind why the women do that line of work but there's always the risk that they're not doing it out of their own free will isn't there? I feel like he could well be exploiting vulnerable women.

Would you end a friendship over this? Am I being too judgemental?

OP posts:
BiscuitLover3678 · 11/04/2022 18:05

This is also a dealbreaker for me op. There’s such a power imbalance. Sad Why would a man choose that over dating or even having a one night stand? Awful.

Original poster
Cornishjam1162 · 11/04/2022 19:06

@BiscuitLover3678

This is also a dealbreaker for me op. There’s such a power imbalance. Sad Why would a man choose that over dating or even having a one night stand? Awful.
I think because they're too lazy to put any work into actually seducing somebody, they can't be bothered to go for dinner or drinks with somebody they have no interest in talking to beyond arranging a hopeful shag. PP has it right in that they just can't bring themselves to see women as human let alone equals.
OP posts:
BiscuitLover3678 · 11/04/2022 19:07

It’s so sad @Cornishjam1162

if he’s so friendly with this women why is he still paying them? Why do they need to be paid for sex if they like it so much?

You can’t change him just be true to yourself and hopefully he starts learning.

babywalker56 · 11/04/2022 20:39

Someone said he’s a rapist?? What a dramatic comment.

Do you know how many women are sex workers by their own free will? Maybe none of you have ever met an actual sex worker but in no way shape or form is it rape.

Of course there are sex workers who have been trafficked or aren’t 100% happy with what they’re doing but if it’s a sex worker who’s independent or literally works for themselves then what’s the problem? That’s what they’ve chose to do and that’s actually what they enjoy. Saying the guy’s a rapist is such a reach!

I personally wouldn’t cut a friend off because of their sex preferences. It’s really not my business if someone wants to pay for sex or not

LYSHB · 11/04/2022 20:45

I have multiple friends who are sex workers who certainly do it at their own free will so whilst I would drop this friend, I also think the whole “rare” and “minority” isn’t quite as such.

Due to knowing these friends I always find it hard to form an opinion on this type of thing though.

Boredoutmymind · 11/04/2022 23:00

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Verity226 · 11/04/2022 23:28

@Boredoutmymind

This is ridiculous. You are being very unreasonable. Who he has sex with is none of your concern. And you want to end your friendship with him? Sounds like he should be ending his friendship with you for being so judgemental. You are not a very good friend.

How many of you have had sex with guys who have bought you drinks etc?
Girlfriends and wives who don't earn money but rely on the man for money. You are basically sex workers but you wouldn't describe yourselves as that. You call your selves stay at home mums or kept women or in a "traditional relationship".

Mumsnet women such double standards.

Are you a man?
LexMitior · 11/04/2022 23:38

Gosh spot the troll post there

Vaccine001 · 11/04/2022 23:41

I have a friend who is a sex worker. She was treated appallingly during her childhood by men.

MeasureTwice · 11/04/2022 23:52

That would be completely unacceptable behaviour in my circle. I wouldn't think the same of him after that and would be uncomfortable around him. I'd become busy and 'lose touch' with him. Not worth the drama of confrontation, but no longer interested in maintaining the friendship.

moofolk · 11/04/2022 23:58

@babywalker56

Someone said he’s a rapist?? What a dramatic comment.

Do you know how many women are sex workers by their own free will? Maybe none of you have ever met an actual sex worker but in no way shape or form is it rape.

Of course there are sex workers who have been trafficked or aren’t 100% happy with what they’re doing but if it’s a sex worker who’s independent or literally works for themselves then what’s the problem? That’s what they’ve chose to do and that’s actually what they enjoy. Saying the guy’s a rapist is such a reach!

I personally wouldn’t cut a friend off because of their sex preferences. It’s really not my business if someone wants to pay for sex or not

It is seen as rape as there is no way to know that the woman is there of her own free will.

Consent that is bought is not really consent.

As you say, many women are in prostitution of their own free will, but how does this man know for sure that the women he is using are not coerced? It's impossible to know, so he is obviously ok with the fact that they might not be freely consenting.

And of course they are not 'freely' consenting as they are not having sex for free.

Awalkintime · 12/04/2022 00:22

Yes he is a rapist.

brownpaperbat · 12/04/2022 00:34

Oh my goodness. Why on earth would anyone say that someone who pays to spend time with a woman is a rapist??

brownpaperbat · 12/04/2022 00:35

An adult woman who has consented btw

brownpaperbat · 12/04/2022 00:39

@Cornishjam1162

It has recently come to light that a friend of 15 years is a regular customer of sex workers. We have always wondered why he never wanted to date again after getting a divorce and now it makes sense. I would have never had him down as the type and I'm shocked to say the least. I don't know the circumstances behind why the women do that line of work but there's always the risk that they're not doing it out of their own free will isn't there? I feel like he could well be exploiting vulnerable women.

Would you end a friendship over this? Am I being too judgemental?

You can end a friendship for any reason you want. If you feel uncomfortable about it, then don't be friendly with him
Thelnebriati · 12/04/2022 00:57

@CookPassBabtridge

I've actually changed the way I think about someone just because of their views on it, they haven't actually used them. But they think it should be as normal as getting a haircut. Most men just don't see it the same way as us. I hate it all.. but then I wonder what life would be like if men couldn't pay for sex? Would the streets be full of frustrated angry abusive men? Basically I wish men had the same testosterone as us, life would be safer.
Studies show that the ability to buy women for sex does not reduce male violence against women.

''A UN study of violent men in six countries found that buying sex was the second most significant common factor in the backgrounds and lifestyles of men found guilty of rape''
nordicmodelnow.org/facts-about-prostitution/fact-buying-sex-makes-men-more-prone-to-violence-against-women/

www.svri.org/sites/default/files/attachments/2016-07-19/RBAP-Gender-2013-P4P-VAW-Report-Summary.pdf

WhoKnewWho · 12/04/2022 05:44

It's a widely accepted fact that a large % of females who enter this industry are vulnerable. This has not escaped him, he has chosen to ignore this fact.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 12/04/2022 05:47

@babywalker56

Someone said he’s a rapist?? What a dramatic comment.

Do you know how many women are sex workers by their own free will? Maybe none of you have ever met an actual sex worker but in no way shape or form is it rape.

Of course there are sex workers who have been trafficked or aren’t 100% happy with what they’re doing but if it’s a sex worker who’s independent or literally works for themselves then what’s the problem? That’s what they’ve chose to do and that’s actually what they enjoy. Saying the guy’s a rapist is such a reach!

I personally wouldn’t cut a friend off because of their sex preferences. It’s really not my business if someone wants to pay for sex or not

The point is No man can ever know whether the woman he's paying is freely consenting or has been coerced. So he's a potential rapist because having sex with someone who is coerced is rape. Men who pay for sex don't care whether they might be committing rape and every time they pay a woman for sex they are potentially raping her, but they do it anyway. That's what makes sex buyers rapists.
CloseYourEyesAndSee · 12/04/2022 05:48

@LYSHB

I have multiple friends who are sex workers who certainly do it at their own free will so whilst I would drop this friend, I also think the whole “rare” and “minority” isn’t quite as such.

Due to knowing these friends I always find it hard to form an opinion on this type of thing though.

Are they only fans content creators or do they have penetrative sex with strangers for money? Just asking as it's a totally different proposition.
ErmIDontKnow · 12/04/2022 05:56

In my opinion it depends really doesn't it. Where is he meeting these woman?

I work with a group of escorts. We are all on a website where theres all sorts of things advertised, cam work, phone calls, pictures. Theres a group of around 15 of us, everyone does it of their own free will and makes a decent amount of money from it. Everyone is safe, we share 2 apartments ( we book them and take turns using them, it's literally 1 person per apartment on their booked days )

I know theres woman out there who are cohersed into doing it but theres also a lot of women out there who do it of their own free will and make a pretty penny from it

miramia · 12/04/2022 06:02

"No man can ever know whether the woman he's paying is freely consenting or has been coerced. So he's a potential rapist because having sex with someone who is coerced is rape. Men who pay for sex don't care whether they might be committing rape and every time they pay a woman for sex they are potentially raping her, but they do it anyway. That's what makes sex buyers rapists."

Agreed. Your former friend is a total creep OP. I freely judge anyone who's paid for sex.

I also have huge doubts about anyone who "does it of their own free will". I mean, I'm not saying someone has physically forced them into it - but really, given all opportunities in the world, would that be the ultimate career they'd seek? If other jobs paid as much etc? Is it your own free will if circumstances around you make it a necessity to survive?

miramia · 12/04/2022 06:03

Also, people do damaging things to themselves all the time out of their "own free will", they don't always realise it at the time.

A decent society protects people from having to sell their bodies for sex if possible.

Veryverysadandold · 12/04/2022 06:43

@JayniSummers that site is horrific! I'm trying to remember the name of the feminist campaigner that spoke to a lot of prostitutes and former prostitutes for research into what they thought about the industry. She said some that told her they had chosen it and/or enjoyed it while doing it all told her when they'd got out that they felt coerced in some way, even if 'just' by lifestyle ie poverty. OP I couldn't be friends with him.

ErmIDontKnow · 12/04/2022 06:45

I also have huge doubts about anyone who "does it of their own free will". I mean, I'm not saying someone has physically forced them into it - but really, given all opportunities in the world, would that be the ultimate career they'd seek? If other jobs paid as much etc? Is it your own free will if circumstances around you make it a necessity to survive?

I cant speak for everyone but the group of woman I know dont do it to survive. Its extra money that we dont need to pay tax on. I spent 4 hours with a man the other day, we chatted for 3 1/2 hours of that and had sex for maybe 15 minutes. I got £500 for those 4 hours 🤷‍♀️ why would I want a career when I can make £1000 in a day from spending most of my day just talking?

A decent society protects people from having to sell their bodies for sex if possible. --- This will never happen. Selling sex has been around for thousands of years and will still be around in another thousand years, it's nothing to do with a decent society. And it's not having to. A lot of woman want to. Not because their poor, not because they have no other options. But because its quick easy money

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