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Original poster

To end a friendship due to his use of sex workers?

318 replies

Cornishjam1162 · 11/04/2022 11:45

It has recently come to light that a friend of 15 years is a regular customer of sex workers. We have always wondered why he never wanted to date again after getting a divorce and now it makes sense. I would have never had him down as the type and I'm shocked to say the least. I don't know the circumstances behind why the women do that line of work but there's always the risk that they're not doing it out of their own free will isn't there? I feel like he could well be exploiting vulnerable women.

Would you end a friendship over this? Am I being too judgemental?

OP posts:
MedusasBadHairDay · 11/04/2022 13:47

I couldn't be friends with anyone who was willing to have sex with women who do not freely consent (eg. Without financial coercion) Just grim.

CrowAndABut · 11/04/2022 13:58

I wouldn't maintain the relationship. It's grim.

I'd be telling them why as well.

CarmenThePanda · 11/04/2022 14:02

Yuk.

Even if the ‘sex workers’ are 100% willing, as a woman I find it hard to be friends with a man who thinks that women’s bodies can be purchased by the hour for his sexual use.

WhereYouLeftIt · 11/04/2022 14:33

"We have always wondered why he never wanted to date again after getting a divorce and now it makes sense."

Have you realised what this actually says about him?

It says that he does not want to have a relationship with a woman, just access to a woman's orifices. It says that women are not really people to him, not the way men are people. They are appliances, commodities, orifices.

I could not be friends with any man who saw women in that way.

"... there is no getting through to him that he is being exploitative as he's adamant the people he sees are doing it off their own volition."
No decision is ever made in a vacuum, it is always made in relation to the circumstances the person is in, the self-confidence/self-esteem of the person, and the circumstances of how their confidence and esteem were built (or not built). For example, if a woman's childhood had been abusive leading to low self-worth, this being exploited by a predator (they're good at sniffing out vulnerable women) and poverty driving her to it. Your 'friend' would claim it's her choice, their own volition; I would see it as a woman backed into a cornerSad.

I will never judge the seller, but I will always judge the buyer for being the reason this trade exists.

Original poster
Cornishjam1162 · 11/04/2022 14:37

Apparently its not exploitative. He is 'friends' with several of the women he has seen and he knows they arent coerced.. Well and truly deluded.

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 11/04/2022 14:41

If everyone was able to access fairly paid engaging employment, women wouldn't have to sell their bodies. There is a reason prostitutes are (almost exclusively) female and that is because

  1. Women are underpaid and under valued in society
  2. Men are entitled pricks (in the main)

Most men love sex and love making money. Yet they don't prostitute themselves.

Why?

LightSpeeds · 11/04/2022 14:46

He's trash.

I wouldn't choose to have a friend like that.

BalladOfBarryAndFreda · 11/04/2022 14:48

@Cornishjam1162

Apparently its not exploitative. He is 'friends' with several of the women he has seen and he knows they arent coerced.. Well and truly deluded.
He has to believe that. Surely he couldn’t do it if he thought otherwise?

I agree. Even if it is true and the individual women he is buying the consent of (not a thing) are 100% autonomous and emancipated, it doesn’t matter. It’s about what it says about him and his values. He is either ignorant to how buying access to women’s bodies affects everyone, or he is but doesn’t care, so long as he gets to empty his balls. Either way, he isn’t a person I want to be around.

ToiletPoster2 · 11/04/2022 14:55

Most men love sex and love making money. Yet they don't prostitute themselves.

I think that's mostly because the demand is much lower than the supply. Men can't give it away for free, let alone for money.

RealBecca · 11/04/2022 14:59

Course hes deluding himself, most of them are. Hes a "good guy" and his prostitutes "chose this because they like it"

He cant very well want to consider himself as one of the many men paying to have sex with one of the many many many women who are vulnerable and not loving it.

CookPassBabtridge · 11/04/2022 15:22

Even without the consent issue.. it's just gross. I hate that its existed since the dawn of time and they use that excuse for it.. I just hate that it exists, I hate the sexual imbalance of men and women.. I hate that old ugly fat disgusting men can pay an 18 year old to let him do stuff to her while she's probably dying inside. I hate the sugardaddies shit. I hate it all.

Alicetheowl · 11/04/2022 15:23

Would you say the same about male escorts?
Brooke Magnanti (Belle du Jour) did well out of it, and seems happy.
There are women making thousands out of this career.
But a lot of the women are trafficked or forced into it. I don't have a particular problem with sex work, but he needs to check whether these women are being exploited.

Dontbeme · 11/04/2022 16:15

@Cornishjam1162

Apparently its not exploitative. He is 'friends' with several of the women he has seen and he knows they arent coerced.. Well and truly deluded.
Ask if many of them give him his money back? These friends that enjoy his company, why would you charge a friend money if you enjoyed spending time with them of your own free will?
RaspberryChouxBuns · 11/04/2022 16:34

Ugh, creep.

Bookworm20 · 11/04/2022 16:42

Not all sex workers are unwilling.some,many,enjoy the income and it suits their path in life at that time.
Don't be so easy to judge until you know all the facts.

I'd say this applies to a very small minority, not many as you've suggested. And the thing is this man does NOT know if the sex worker is willing or not. And simply does not care.

What you've said is basically the age old line men trot out about the women have 'chosen' this line of work and enjoy it. perhaps some yes. But do they honestly think women with great choices in life would chose this. For most its a means to an end, because of a lack of choices.

In answer to your question OP, No I couldn't be friends with a man who thought a womans body is there for him to purchase and use in that way.
I could never have any respect for any man doing that. It would make my skin crawl.

LifeIsHardAlways · 11/04/2022 16:55

Guess it depends what kind of women he’s seeing. Are we talking escorts where they’re making good money and likely to have chosen it? Or are we talking seedy brothel with foreign/drugged/vulnerable women for a pittance?

Getoff · 11/04/2022 16:55

He has more first-hand knowledge than OP (and most other people commenting) yet they all feel competent to tell him he is wrong.

I think peoples views have more to do with their own prejudices and feelings than any actual understanding.

You would think there would be academic studies to back up all the the things commenters seem to know as fact, yet I don't recall seeing links to any on threads like these.

I think the only people here who have an opinion worth listening to would be those who've been sex workers. (Some previous threads have had valuable contributions from a tiny number of such people.)

LifesABotch · 11/04/2022 16:57

YANBU, as others have said, in that you can end a friendship for any reason.

That said, I have a similar situation with a friend who recently revealed that he does not think prostitutes are exploited, or that there is anything wrong with men using prostitutes because "women don't know what it's like to be unable to get sex." Confused
So, he thinks sex is a right, whether or not the other person really wants it. And that it is fine for it to be a transaction. Much like your friend does. Ugh!

I don't know whether he pays/has ever paid for sex, and I have not yet cut contact completely, because I, like you, wondered if I was being too judgemental... But it has completely changed my view of this person and can empathise with your dilemma!

JayniSummers · 11/04/2022 17:14

www.ukpunting.com/index.php?board=25.0

I post this each and every time the debate comes up. If you are ever in doubt about how men see women who they buy for sex read the negative reviews . This is who you are considering your friendship with , this . I'm sorry if you feel your friend is a nice guy , he isn't

MangyInseam · 11/04/2022 17:18

It would be difficult to think quite the same way about the person.

But a lot of people are just not that thoughtful about things like this. Especially if he is seeing escorts who won't ring the same kinds of alarm bells for exploitation. Quite a lot of people, and this includes many women, see it mainly as a fair exchange of services.

Our society already commodities sex in so many different ways that no one seems to blink an eye at. Look at any MA rating tv show, of which there are many right now. Most people accept this without question but nine times out of ten it involves young women getting naked in order to offer aesthetic elements or to make the production seem edgy or sexy - it's just entertainment. If it's accepted a young woman can do that, which will be available potentially for public viewing for her whole life, for money, is it a huge leap to having sex for money?

People are shaped by the culture they operate in, even good people. In a culture that commodification sex it isn't a surprise that many people are not that sensitive or thoughtful about why that might not be a good thing.

MangyInseam · 11/04/2022 17:20

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

If everyone was able to access fairly paid engaging employment, women wouldn't have to sell their bodies. There is a reason prostitutes are (almost exclusively) female and that is because
  1. Women are underpaid and under valued in society
  2. Men are entitled pricks (in the main)

Most men love sex and love making money. Yet they don't prostitute themselves.

Why?

I think quite a lot of men might be willing if there were enough women looking to pay. But there aren't.

The porn industry has no trouble getting willing men, even straight ones in gay porn. Most men just aren't up to the demands.

MaChienEstUnDick · 11/04/2022 17:26

@Alicetheowl

Would you say the same about male escorts? Brooke Magnanti (Belle du Jour) did well out of it, and seems happy. There are women making thousands out of this career. But a lot of the women are trafficked or forced into it. I don't have a particular problem with sex work, but he needs to check whether these women are being exploited.
And how can he do that reliably @Alicetheowl? Go on trustedtrader.com? Check with her boss?

FFS.

It is vanishingly rare that a woman is engaged in prostitution of her own free will and there is no way to check this reliably. No-one's actually going to say 'oh yeah, I'm here to feed my drug habit/pimp/kids because their deadbeat father left me high and dry/pay 'rent' on this tiny one room flat that I was taken to against my will when i thought I was moving to this country for a nanny job.'

Anyfeckinusername · 11/04/2022 17:41

@Cornishjam1162

I'm sorry i didn't realise the term sex worker was offensive, I'll rethink using it in the future. Thank you for the heads up
Gosh I didn’t mean that like a lecture it wasn’t me at the st way - I mean, to be honest I had a bit of a terrible time with my ex. He was using “sex workers” - I was pregnant when I found out. I had to go to a STI clinic and I was so worried for the health of my baby as well as myself as I knew he hasn’t used condoms with them, I was terrified, and it was mentioned several times during my consultation that “partner has used sex workers” but I felt enraged by the term, I hadn’t read anything at that point or grown my thoughts in it but it sounded so so wrong and belittling of the magnitude of risk he put me and a baby into. Completely unbeknownst to me I was risking my health being with him. It just blew my mind. It felt criminal what he did to me and the baby.
moofolk · 11/04/2022 17:48

Get rid of him and be clear about why. To him and anyone else who'll listen.

I think it's refreshing to see so many women calling out this behaviour. Your friend is a rapist even though he thinks he's a good guy.

CookPassBabtridge · 11/04/2022 17:55

I've actually changed the way I think about someone just because of their views on it, they haven't actually used them.
But they think it should be as normal as getting a haircut.
Most men just don't see it the same way as us.
I hate it all.. but then I wonder what life would be like if men couldn't pay for sex? Would the streets be full of frustrated angry abusive men?
Basically I wish men had the same testosterone as us, life would be safer.