To just give up on people who need 3 months notice to meet up

[blablablau]

It's really frustrating me how inflexible people are, or maybe I'm the inflexible one ?

A friend reached out last week, asking to see each other on jubilee weekend.. I hate to make plans that far in advance. It really, really bothers me. I will not usually make plans that far in advance - unless it's:

1. A wedding
2. Hen do
3. A very special big birthday for someone important
4. A christening
5. A holiday
6. A weekend away ( perhaps )

If it's just going for a pint or going around someone's house for dinner, I usually like to arrange it - maximum a month before.

Aibu to think that trying to lock someone down 3-4 months before just a cup of tea or a pint, is absolutely ridiculous ? I know a few people like this and just can't help but get frustrated when they suggest this kind of stuff. My family is very spontaneous and it could well be that on jubilee weekend, I might want to catch a flight to visit my parents ( who live abroad ) for example. I usually don't decide that kind of stuff until 2 weeks before, sometimes even less time. Same for when my family come and visit me. Yet I may have an obligatory pint in my diary that someone booked me for 3 months before. I just find it really absolutely ridiculous.

I'm finding more and more people behave like this and I end it losing interest and not bothering much anymore.

Is everyone like this and I am the inflexible one ?

[quote Tulipblacksmith]@blablablau

Are you a really good listener with people pleasing habits? If so you’ll definitely attract that type of “friend”.[/quote]
I'm a very giving friend I would say and also very available. Despite having a busy life too. I really prioritise friendships. I know posters on here won't believe that, but despite of how it makes me feel, I go along with their plans, I just don't really like it and would enjoy more flexibility and for them to also treat me more like a priority friend. Rather than like a 3 months from now friend.

I think a 3 months from now friendship is OK once in a while, but if it's only ever like that, then I don't feel valued in the same way I value them.

Are you meaning that they do have priority friends who they keep gaps free for?

@Barnybrown

I work full time , have two kids who often have weekend plans they needs ferrying to and also an elderly mum who needs support. I am time poor and have very little time to meet up - I am really pleased my friends don’t have the same attitude as you and do make plans in the future with me. I think you are being inflexible but if it doesn’t work for you just say no

but in your case if someone makes a plan for four months' time you will probably have to bail anyway if your mum or kids need something - so why bother arranging? Better in your case to arrange the day before!

(I am a planner by the way, but I can't see how it can work when you have so many family commitments)

I have a friend like you. It makes me feel like she's waiting for a better offer and will commit to plans with me if nothing better comes up.

I have a very busy life and those can commit see more of me, social butterfly's just look fickle.

@blablablau

Totally agree. I can’t be doing with the 3 months from now friends, I don’t see the point.

I would love to be spontaneous but if I didn't make plans well in advance I would never see my friends. I have children, mum on her own, house renovations - I cant think of a single time since lock down ended where I have been free within a month to arrange something. It's not ideal, in fact it sucks but it is some people's life.

@blablablau
Okay, from your recent postings it's clearer that this is one trait in a pattern of behaviour from some of your "friends". I think I am finally starting to understand.
The problem is more that your friends seem able to do spur of the moment meet ups with some people but not with you. They aren't prioritising your friendship in a way that they seem to others.
I can't believe how oblivious your "sooooo busy" friend was when you were about to give birth! That's just selfish.
I think 3 month in advance planners are fine in general but it does sound like the friends you have mentioned are actually selfish, oblivious to your feelings and completely out of touch.
I plan ahead to fit in with a lot of friends, but generally like to have a plan anyway. The difference is (I can see now) if I really needed them my friends would squeeze me in and prioritise.
@blablablau if all of your friends are out of touch and not showing that they care, maybe it's time to make some new friends. Please try not to be put off if the new friends want to plan something in advance though, not all of us "plan-ahead-ers" are bad people!

I think many of us would like to be spontaneous which is easy enough with 1 or 2 friends who are local but trying to get a group together when one is a distance away needs planning. Partly because to make it worthwhile it means a full day or overnight not just a few hours in the evening.

A coffee or a pint doesn't need three months notice. But I noticed that 'dinner at someone's house' also slipped into the OP's claims about things its unreasonable to have a long lead in time for; and also an objection to someone booking something in for Jubilee weekend with a claim about it being four months away, but it turns out to have been eight weeks.

So I wonder if there's some exaggeration going on here?

Someone asking for a coffee or a pint three months in advance is probably a bit weird. But I also would not feel bad about cancelling a coffee or a pint (with a couple of days notice, at least) if they did. So just decide if you're up for it, and then reconfirm a week in advance. And if you object that much, just say you can't commit. Don't expect others to have the same approach to scheduling you have.

On the other hand, a night out, a dinner with multiple people, including a dinner party at someone's house, a BBQ etc all take planning, and juggling multiple people's diaries. Expecting that I could just suggest a group of friends gets together with a few days (or frankly, depending on the group, even a few weeks) notice is nonsense (and a bit obnoxious).

OP YANBU but neither is your friend - it just doesn’t sound like you are compatible. I remember when Jill Dando was shot dead. I was early 20s. It was March. Carol Vorderman (her very good friend) was interviewed and said ‘I last saw her on New Years eve’ and I remember thinking ‘3 months?? You aren’t much of a friend’. That was before I had 2 kids, an almost FT job and a DH who works away for 3 nights a week. Even for me 3 months is stretching it, but not unheard of. 2 months is fairly normal. Even for a coffee. I work shifts, including weekends, and the days change. Mostly my week is planned. The only people who I contact for an impromptu coffee are either people who don’t work or my bestie who also works shifts and may or may not be available. If a friend is having a crisis I absolutely will drop everything and rearrange my life to help them (and my good friends know this), but out with that I’m spinning plates most of the time….but I doubt you’d get that - which is absolutely fine as you obviously wouldn’t get me and my life either. It’s not a competition. Just spend time with people who do get you.

[quote FlambeTomato]@blablablau
They aren't being inflexible if they simply are not free to meet up when you suggest. It's not like you contacted a friend for a pint tonight and they said "I am actually free and would love to have a pint with you, however I cannot say yes because you are in breach of my 3 month notice period".
Sorry, I rarely keep responding to someone's posts like this but I honestly cannot understand what this flexibility you keep referring to actually looks like? The person is free and willing at short notice or they are not.
I have a friend with DC similar age to mine, neither of us work on Fridays. Sometimes we'll make contact with each other in the morning to see if we can get together in the afternoon. Sometimes is works out, other times it does not but nobody is being inflexible. Same friend - if we want to go for a dinner out somewhere it need to be booked in weeks / months in advance. Yes sometimes three months even! On occasion, we get to the day and I don't really fancy it, but when we get together it is always fun. If a fantastic holiday opportunity fell out of the sky for one of us we would reschedule and both be cool about it.
Bank holiday weekends get booked up pretty quickly. If you don't want to commit to something in advance then don't. But if you wake up on Jubilee Thursday morning with a hankering for a barbecue with friends and nobody is available you can't really say that it's because they are inflexible.
What is the big deal?[/quote]
This! THIS exactly! I don't understand how it's inflexible if they aren't free this weekend? You want them to keep time slots free all the time in case you want to spontaneously meet up!

@LeaveYourHatOn I suppose I just don't buy it that they're constantly booked up. I think it's a matter of priorities. They definitely do last minute stuff with other people. I know they do.

@LeaveYourHatOn I also don't expect availability this weekend. But around a month out, should work sometimes, surely ?Not every time, but occasionally.

I think it's rather the case of them having other plans or better plans if I'm honest and more important friends to prioritise.

I've ditched friends before that always claim to be busy and when I suggest a meet up they can 'squeeze' me in for an hour at 9am in 3 months' fine between Tai Chi and a nail appointment

@TheyCallMeJune

I've ditched friends before that always claim to be busy and when I suggest a meet up they can 'squeeze' me in for an hour at 9am in 3 months' fine between Tai Chi and a nail appointment

I don't understand why so many people are rushing to defend this kind of behaviour tbh. I think it's poor form if this happens all the time. Occasionally OK. But if that's the only terms to have a friendship, then it's not really one, is it.

My DB is very much like you and seems to find closer to the time, when he's decided that actually he would like to see people, that they're already booked up.

I don't have a free weekend now until mid June and it's just how it always is! Friends are all over the country and so we have to plan or else we'd never get to see each other. I usually try to leave a free weekend a month but it doesn't always pan out.

@TeethingBabyHelp

My DB is very much like you and seems to find closer to the time, when he's decided that actually he would like to see people, that they're already booked up.

I don't have a free weekend now until mid June and it's just how it always is! Friends are all over the country and so we have to plan or else we'd never get to see each other. I usually try to leave a free weekend a month but it doesn't always pan out.

Do you never just wake up on a Sunday and think ' oh I really fancy doing X today ! '. But then you just can't, because you've planned your entire life away already ?

I can handle planning around 2 weekends a month. One activity, not the entire weekend. Otherwise it would be too much for me. Not to have that freedom to decide to just do something on a whim.

I've got a "friend" (I use the term loosely for her) who tells me she's so busy that she'll meet me on such and such a date, for coffee - in 2 or 3 months. I find it quite insulting. She's retired, so hasn't got to be anywhere in particular each day. She met me a month ago, after she's "booked me in", at a cafe, and then stayed just over an hour! I felt like some charity case she feels sorry for. Fucked her off now.

TheyCallMeJune Perhaps it's the sam person I know but I'm not bothering with her any more. I'm not prepared to be a 2nd/3rd/4th thought to anyone.

@AnyCakeButBattenburg

I've got a "friend" (I use the term loosely for her) who tells me she's so busy that she'll meet me on such and such a date, for coffee - in 2 or 3 months. I find it quite insulting. She's retired, so hasn't got to be anywhere in particular each day. She met me a month ago, after she's "booked me in", at a cafe, and then stayed just over an hour! I felt like some charity case she feels sorry for. Fucked her off now.

I think we can probably all agree, if this happens constantly - it's not a good sign. If it happens sometimes, then fine. But if someone will only see you in this kind of way, then like you say, F them off...

I would feel so rude and just simply bad for doing this to anyone. Like why even bother ? Unless you're actually trying to be cruel. Or it's an exception.

[quote blablablau]@LeaveYourHatOn I also don't expect availability this weekend. But around a month out, should work sometimes, surely ?Not every time, but occasionally.

I think it's rather the case of them having other plans or better plans if I'm honest and more important friends to prioritise. [/quote]
I think if you'd framed your OP in this way you'd have had different responses. Because it is daft to expect people to keep time free and by implication miss out on other stuff in case you feel like being spontaneous, but it sounds like the actual problem here is them putting you low down the priority list.

They definitely do last minute stuff with other people. I know they do.

But how do you know it's last minute? How can you know it wasn't scheduled 2 months ago?

It's all about whether to these friends you are an option or a priority. If your friendship is a priority to them they will see you when you are free and not months ahead. I've binned off people who I need to book 4 months in advance. We are ALL busy but we all make time for things we deem important.

I feel the same. Maybe I'm not a social person but I never really have stuff booked. Yeah sure, the odd party or weekend away but 9 times out of 10 I can squeeze someone in for a coffee over the week. Kids parties/sporting events are a couple of hours max so I don't count them as being booked up.

I've tried to arrange a takeaway at mine with 2 friends, first available date for 1 of them is June. Ridiculous for a takeaway and a catch up.

I'm on the fence.

I'm MOSTLY booked up until July. But I'm fiercely protective of the remaining free weekends, for spontaneous something or nothing days.