To just give up on people who need 3 months notice to meet up

[blablablau]

It's really frustrating me how inflexible people are, or maybe I'm the inflexible one ?

A friend reached out last week, asking to see each other on jubilee weekend.. I hate to make plans that far in advance. It really, really bothers me. I will not usually make plans that far in advance - unless it's:

1. A wedding
2. Hen do
3. A very special big birthday for someone important
4. A christening
5. A holiday
6. A weekend away ( perhaps )

If it's just going for a pint or going around someone's house for dinner, I usually like to arrange it - maximum a month before.

Aibu to think that trying to lock someone down 3-4 months before just a cup of tea or a pint, is absolutely ridiculous ? I know a few people like this and just can't help but get frustrated when they suggest this kind of stuff. My family is very spontaneous and it could well be that on jubilee weekend, I might want to catch a flight to visit my parents ( who live abroad ) for example. I usually don't decide that kind of stuff until 2 weeks before, sometimes even less time. Same for when my family come and visit me. Yet I may have an obligatory pint in my diary that someone booked me for 3 months before. I just find it really absolutely ridiculous.

I'm finding more and more people behave like this and I end it losing interest and not bothering much anymore.

Is everyone like this and I am the inflexible one ?

I've also found this useful. I usually schedule well in advance as I work 4 days a week, have a husband who works all the hours God gave and plays 2 sports, an 8 year old with SEN who does 3 dance classes and 3 sports a week and a 14 year old who is similarly overcommitted and has a part time job, and I also try occasionally to do some exercise and community volunteering. We literally have things on every weeknight including Friday and usually both weekend days are pretty full with sport starting at 8am.

So if I don't schedule people in I don't see them and I really love catching up with friends.
Everyone gets scheduled for the next slot available - that is, I'm not bumping friends 'down the list', I'm just literally that busy most of the year. (We live in Australia in an area not badly affected by covid so this 'over-busyness' has been ongoing for a while now - as a side note I should perhaps think about unscheduling a few things).

But this thread has shown me that I can just ask my friends what they prefer. There's no reason why I couldn't set aside a bit of time every weekend for catch ups that are locked in a week or two in advance instead of 2 months ahead. And it could also mean I get an idea of which friends like spontaneous catch ups and won't feel like they're an 'afterthought' if I call them to catch up that night because ballet was cancelled .

I do lots of short spontaneous and some longer distance dates. I get what you mean about not knowing if you'll want to go away or if something else will come up. I have one friend who isn't super nearby and with kids we need to plan, which means we often struggled to set dates, so what we do is always book two different weekend dates at a time with full day; the plan is to make the first one morning or afternoon or both, but if plans change we have a backup, so we have 4 slots in total. If we book the main date or backup then we set a new backup date and just keep that in the calendar. It means we definitely meet within a period of time, but if one of us books holiday or a party arises then there's no drama about switching because we know we have a backup slot. A couple of times we've met on the main date and backup, but usually one of us books out the date; we've never gone more than a few months without a catch-up though because we're prioritised. So, my suggestion is to openly book two dates with your friend; it keeps your options open but then you won't miss out on seeing her. Otherwise just say you can't commit for that weekend so go for 11th June instead.

People have a lot on, often it's the only way. I like doing things last minute too but it's a balancing act. I've got a few things already booked for the summer, more than ideal if I'm honest but they are transferred from 2021

People are all different. I've friends that I plan things with as and when- normally it will be a message on a Monday to make plans for the weekend, and I have other friends who live a couple of hours drive away, so if I don't make plabs with them for a month or two in advance, I probably won't really get to see them.
I'd try to remember restrictions have ended relatively recently so people are going from no plans to plans with everyone they care about, so time gets taken up.

There's a lot of contradictions in this thread.

I don't understand posters who say they don't plan far in advance because what if they wake up and decide they want a lazy day but have arranged drinks or coffee or a meal etc, but who simultaneously say they have no problem with planning a couple of weeks in advance, just not a couple of months.

Whether you plan a week in advance or a month in advance, you might still wake up on the day of whatever you've planned and just not fancy it. That is the risk you take with any social planning that isn't just ringing someone up and trying to do something right now.

Also, I think people are missing that people's lives are not just specific plans, but also plans for doing nothing. When I tell someone I'm not free on X weekend, it might be because I have specific plans. Or it might be because I really need a weekend of doing nothing. Or because I've not spent enough time with DP and fancy just vegging out with them.

Someone telling you they're not free for two months isn't necessarily saying they have hard and fast plans every day for those two months - but they may know their own limits and their own schedules, and they know what balance they want between socialising with friends and other priorities (work, family, self-care etc).

@TeaKlaxon
I know exactly what you mean. Planning includes leaving time for family things, time as a couple, mundane stuff that needs done.

@TeaKlaxon

There's a lot of contradictions in this thread.

I don't understand posters who say they don't plan far in advance because what if they wake up and decide they want a lazy day but have arranged drinks or coffee or a meal etc, but who simultaneously say they have no problem with planning a couple of weeks in advance, just not a couple of months.

Whether you plan a week in advance or a month in advance, you might still wake up on the day of whatever you've planned and just not fancy it. That is the risk you take with any social planning that isn't just ringing someone up and trying to do something right now.

Also, I think people are missing that people's lives are not just specific plans, but also plans for doing nothing. When I tell someone I'm not free on X weekend, it might be because I have specific plans. Or it might be because I really need a weekend of doing nothing. Or because I've not spent enough time with DP and fancy just vegging out with them.

Someone telling you they're not free for two months isn't necessarily saying they have hard and fast plans every day for those two months - but they may know their own limits and their own schedules, and they know what balance they want between socialising with friends and other priorities (work, family, self-care etc).

From my POV, it does feel different to commit to something a couple of weeks away than many months. It feels more predictable and tangible. That’s just a psychological thing for me, but yes, of course, something might still happen in the meantime meaning I’m unable to make it, or I might wake up not feeling great on the day, or not be arsed. I feel like knowing something’s coming up in a fortnight though, means it sticks in my head and I mentally prepare and look forward to it, so there’s less chance of me thinking I don’t want to do it.

For things planned months in advance, like I said earlier, I forget. It doesn’t stick in my mind in the same way even if I put it in a diary. So when the time comes around, it feels like a surprise, and I either find I’ve double booked myself or it’s an unwelcome surprise because I don’t feel like it. I do honour the plans though, I just don’t like feeling that it creeps up on me.

I also don’t want to have to plan to do nothing! That would really take the relaxation out of it for me. The joy of lazy days is just taking the opportunity to savour having nothing on - blocking out bits of ‘nothing’ time would just make me anxious and remind me that my other blocks of time were taken.

YABU and on the flip side of you refuse to nail down a date for a catch up in advance because you prefer to be spontaneous, that says to me you're waiting for a better offer.

@TedMullins

For things planned months in advance, like I said earlier, I forget. It doesn’t stick in my mind in the same way even if I put it in a diary. So when the time comes around, it feels like a surprise, and I either find I’ve double booked myself or it’s an unwelcome surprise because I don’t feel like it. I do honour the plans though, I just don’t like feeling that it creeps up on me.

Can you not look at your diary every morning? Week to page so you look at the next week on a Sunday, or even a calendar on the fridge so every time you get something from it you see it on there. That's why we have diaries and calendars, so it doesn't matter if you forget it, the reminder is there :)

Yeah, a physical calendar is an obvious and simple solution. I tend to put things in my phone calendar so it's easy to forget as it's not there in front of you!

From my POV, it does feel different to commit to something a couple of weeks away than many months. It feels more predictable and tangible.

This is how it is for me. If someone asks me if I want to go out for lunch in a week or so’s time I will have a good idea of how life will be - is work busy, am I feeling in need of taking it easy, will I be visiting family, etc. I have no idea about two months in advance, so while I appreciate some things need to be booked up in advance I’d prefer not to do that with everything. I also do an evening class that occasionally offers full-day opportunities to practice, and these tend to be made available with a few weeks’ notice. I’d never get to do these if I’d booked all my days up so far in advance.

Luckily for me, my friends all also operate on a week or two lead times for things like lunch or a drink. I’ve never experienced anything like the op has described and as surprised so many people live like this. Perhaps the difference between them and my friends is that we aren’t so extremely busy. I like to have a lot of downtime to read, sit in the garden or what have you, which means I do generally have time available to meet up at short notice. If I can’t do Saturday, I can generally do Sunday or in a week’s time. And I guess it’s not surprising that I’ve gravitated towards people with similar lifestyles.

@TrefoilTrefoil

From my POV, it does feel different to commit to something a couple of weeks away than many months. It feels more predictable and tangible.

This is how it is for me. If someone asks me if I want to go out for lunch in a week or so’s time I will have a good idea of how life will be - is work busy, am I feeling in need of taking it easy, will I be visiting family, etc. I have no idea about two months in advance, so while I appreciate some things need to be booked up in advance I’d prefer not to do that with everything. I also do an evening class that occasionally offers full-day opportunities to practice, and these tend to be made available with a few weeks’ notice. I’d never get to do these if I’d booked all my days up so far in advance.

Luckily for me, my friends all also operate on a week or two lead times for things like lunch or a drink. I’ve never experienced anything like the op has described and as surprised so many people live like this. Perhaps the difference between them and my friends is that we aren’t so extremely busy. I like to have a lot of downtime to read, sit in the garden or what have you, which means I do generally have time available to meet up at short notice. If I can’t do Saturday, I can generally do Sunday or in a week’s time. And I guess it’s not surprising that I’ve gravitated towards people with similar lifestyles.

Totally agree with you and I'm like you!