To just give up on people who need 3 months notice to meet up

[blablablau]

It's really frustrating me how inflexible people are, or maybe I'm the inflexible one ?

A friend reached out last week, asking to see each other on jubilee weekend.. I hate to make plans that far in advance. It really, really bothers me. I will not usually make plans that far in advance - unless it's:

1. A wedding
2. Hen do
3. A very special big birthday for someone important
4. A christening
5. A holiday
6. A weekend away ( perhaps )

If it's just going for a pint or going around someone's house for dinner, I usually like to arrange it - maximum a month before.

Aibu to think that trying to lock someone down 3-4 months before just a cup of tea or a pint, is absolutely ridiculous ? I know a few people like this and just can't help but get frustrated when they suggest this kind of stuff. My family is very spontaneous and it could well be that on jubilee weekend, I might want to catch a flight to visit my parents ( who live abroad ) for example. I usually don't decide that kind of stuff until 2 weeks before, sometimes even less time. Same for when my family come and visit me. Yet I may have an obligatory pint in my diary that someone booked me for 3 months before. I just find it really absolutely ridiculous.

I'm finding more and more people behave like this and I end it losing interest and not bothering much anymore.

Is everyone like this and I am the inflexible one ?

I know what you mean tbh. A whole afternoon out or something I think is fine to plan. Say, meet at 12 at a national trust go for a walk, then to a pub for an early tea, done by 6ish - that’s an afternoon out and probably does need a bit of forward planning as takes time. But I have a couple of friends who literally schedule you in for A SINGLE HOUR weeks in advance. I will be like ok my plan for today is a food shop, tidy up then spend the rest of the day with ‘Emma’ , as we’ve arranged to meet at Starbucks At 11am. Literally we will meet, chat and at 12noon ‘Emma’ is like ‘well I have Beth coming round at 12.30 then I’m off to take Sammy to an appointment at 2, then out for dinner with in laws at 4, so I better be off’ it’s like what was even the point ! And you have to have these booked in weeks in advance or you’d literally never see these people.

@blablablau “I have two kids and would just bring them along”

This is one reason why I would try to organise in advance, so that childcare could be sorted out! If I arrange a coffee and meet up with a friend I don’t see very often, I would hope it would be a child free time! Nothing worse than not being able to have a proper catch up because of kids interrupting the conversation. To be honest I wouldn’t organise anything again with you if this was the situation.

"I did have a friend like this who would book literally a visit 4 months in advance. I often ended up cancelling due to other plans with my family and then I felt bad. We are not friends anymore. If that makes me Inflexible I’m okay with that."

You should have felt bad! I don't understand why booking a meet-up 4 months in advance is deemed ok to eventually flake out on compared to a meet-up much sooner.

Maybe if you've subsequently booked a holiday or been invited to a wedding but other than that it just says "I don't value your time and found something else I'd rather do." A good way to lose friends, certainly.

@Blueeyedgirl21

I know what you mean tbh. A whole afternoon out or something I think is fine to plan. Say, meet at 12 at a national trust go for a walk, then to a pub for an early tea, done by 6ish - that’s an afternoon out and probably does need a bit of forward planning as takes time. But I have a couple of friends who literally schedule you in for A SINGLE HOUR weeks in advance. I will be like ok my plan for today is a food shop, tidy up then spend the rest of the day with ‘Emma’ , as we’ve arranged to meet at Starbucks At 11am. Literally we will meet, chat and at 12noon ‘Emma’ is like ‘well I have Beth coming round at 12.30 then I’m off to take Sammy to an appointment at 2, then out for dinner with in laws at 4, so I better be off’ it’s like what was even the point ! And you have to have these booked in weeks in advance or you’d literally never see these people.

Before kids I was pretty open ended with timings for meetups. But since having a child it just doesn't work for me like that anymore, so I changed how I do things. When I make plans with friends now we mention a start and end time. I think the issue in your example was that you both had different unspoken assumptions, you assumed you'd be with Emma for several hours/the rest of the day, she assumed that it was a coffee then goodbye. It's not rude to be open about the details of a get together.

I can see both sides of this. But when your friend suggested doing something jubilee weekend, is she suggesting an event rather than just a coffee? Something that needs to be booked or something?

Even though you say you’re not waiting for a better offer, that is the way it will come across to your friend.

Don’t you have to fit things in between your kids activities and parties at the weekends? That’s one of the reasons I have to plan things, because between our kids activities and parties we’d never see each other otherwise.

And to be honest, the bit where you said you lose interest and don’t bother any more just isn’t very nice. Just because they’re different to you and lead a different life, it’s horrible to just say you can’t be bothered with them. You’ll end up only with friends who are ‘like you’ and then never see them because they’re off doing other things or just want to stay in chilling.

Omg and meant to add the bloody reactions if you suggest doing anything with only a few days to spare I’ve found myself sending messages like ‘totally ok if you’re busy, I know you have a lot on, and totally fine to say no, but if you were free this Wednesday afternoon do you fancy a coffee as I’m right near yours for an appointment that morning? Again totally fine if you already have plans just let me know ! Totes fine if not!’ Like why am I groveling like this like they’re the queen or something, they work less hours than me?! And you get a response like ‘Aw I’d have loved to hun but I’m out at 8am at yoga then seeing Marcus from my old job at 10 not seen him for nearly two years! Then at 12 I’m having lunch with my mum then 3pm I’d planned to go over to Melissa’s to see her new garden room and at 5 Im taking Sammy to football So don’t think I’ll be able to squeeze you in but how about 18th July I’ve got a couple of hours free then?’

I’m not even joking like wtf. I’m stopping asking in this ridiculous way now. The thing is it’s so hard to maintain friendships even with people you really like, who act like this.

To be honest in a scenario I'd make a loose plan that we should meet then but not finalise it's until a few weeks beforehand to check we are both still free.

It sounds like you don't want to book people in that far in advance because you think you might get a better offer closer to the time.

@blablablau
They aren't being inflexible if they simply are not free to meet up when you suggest. It's not like you contacted a friend for a pint tonight and they said "I am actually free and would love to have a pint with you, however I cannot say yes because you are in breach of my 3 month notice period".
Sorry, I rarely keep responding to someone's posts like this but I honestly cannot understand what this flexibility you keep referring to actually looks like? The person is free and willing at short notice or they are not.
I have a friend with DC similar age to mine, neither of us work on Fridays. Sometimes we'll make contact with each other in the morning to see if we can get together in the afternoon. Sometimes is works out, other times it does not but nobody is being inflexible. Same friend - if we want to go for a dinner out somewhere it need to be booked in weeks / months in advance. Yes sometimes three months even! On occasion, we get to the day and I don't really fancy it, but when we get together it is always fun. If a fantastic holiday opportunity fell out of the sky for one of us we would reschedule and both be cool about it.
Bank holiday weekends get booked up pretty quickly. If you don't want to commit to something in advance then don't. But if you wake up on Jubilee Thursday morning with a hankering for a barbecue with friends and nobody is available you can't really say that it's because they are inflexible.
What is the big deal?

You said your friends all have kids - do they also always bring their kids along when you meet up? I wondered if trying to make plans in advance was a hint so you could organise childcare?

Anyway, I don't see the issue in committing to pencil in a date for 8 weeks in the future, on the understanding you'll both get in touch a week beforehand to reconfirm whether that date still works for you.

I do sometimes lock in friends quite far in advance (mainly the ones who work shifts), but if one of us is too knackered on the day, it's not a big deal to bail. Good friends understand that circumstances do change, and know when an excuse is real, and when it's made-up!

Completely agree! No one is THAT busy that they only have 2 hours spare for you every three months. How many hours do they spend watching TV or scrolling social media?

I think this is people who don't really want to hang out with you, but like to put things in their calender so the friendship is maintained on the lowest setting possible

@RoseLimeade I do get what you mean but I mean, I would assume meeting at 11am in a shopping center you’d be maybe out until 2pm maybe ? Not have to have literally have finished your coffee and food bang on one hour later so your friend can move on to the next scheduled appointment like she’s a GP or something 🙈😫😂

[quote Blueeyedgirl21]@RoseLimeade I do get what you mean but I mean, I would assume meeting at 11am in a shopping center you’d be maybe out until 2pm maybe ? Not have to have literally have finished your coffee and food bang on one hour later so your friend can move on to the next scheduled appointment like she’s a GP or something 🙈😫😂[/quote]
Like she is a GP made me laugh. Thank you

@Thehonestybox

Completely agree! No one is THAT busy that they only have 2 hours spare for you every three months. How many hours do they spend watching TV or scrolling social media?

I think this is people who don't really want to hang out with you, but like to put things in their calender so the friendship is maintained on the lowest setting possible

Yes !! Exactly this! Same friend sees other friends like every weekend and weeknight. I see it on social media. I doubt all of these meetings are scheduled three months prior! It's all about priorities and if someone treats you like that, you are just not one and should move on.

@alltheteeshirts

You said your friends all have kids - do they also always bring their kids along when you meet up? I wondered if trying to make plans in advance was a hint so you could organise childcare?

Anyway, I don't see the issue in committing to pencil in a date for 8 weeks in the future, on the understanding you'll both get in touch a week beforehand to reconfirm whether that date still works for you.

I do sometimes lock in friends quite far in advance (mainly the ones who work shifts), but if one of us is too knackered on the day, it's not a big deal to bail. Good friends understand that circumstances do change, and know when an excuse is real, and when it's made-up!

Everyone brings their kids. It's not about the kids.

I've just had a missive from a friend, wanting to meet up.

She's given me two dates she's free - apparently she is completely booked up every other day in between.

They are in August.

I don't mind planning in advance for something big, like a weekend away or concert, but if it's a coffee or a glass of wine, there is no way I am planning months before it happens - sorry, but you're not the prime minister, I don't like being 'squeezed in' to someone's 'busy life'.

I think a give and take would be good. That's all.

It just feels extremely one sided. I don't like having to do things only on other people's terms.

Practically speaking, what do you think this give and take would look like, with friends as busy as you say yours are? I can't see any way it could be achieved other than them leaving space they'd otherwise fill with other social events for you to meet with them if you feel spontaneous and your spontaneity happens to coincide with the Saturday they left free for you not the Sunday they didn't. That isn't reasonable.

I think it's completely fair enough if you just conclude that you're too incompatible for a friendship to work, and that 2 or 3 months booking time is just too long for you. But you can't expect them to leave swathes of time free for you to see them or not, or to switch their entire approach. It's not like vice versa where someone as spontaneous as you can compromise slightly but still leave 95% of your free time available to do whatever takes your fancy at short notice. There isn't an equivalent for them.

@chisanunian

I've just had a missive from a friend, wanting to meet up.

She's given me two dates she's free - apparently she is completely booked up every other day in between.

They are in August.

Bahahahahahah brilliant. I honestly don't have any idea yet what I'm doing in august. Like, not the faintest idea if I'll be dead or alive then. It seems like another life away.

@Mariposista

I don't mind planning in advance for something big, like a weekend away or concert, but if it's a coffee or a glass of wine, there is no way I am planning months before it happens - sorry, but you're not the prime minister, I don't like being 'squeezed in' to someone's 'busy life'.

Indeed.

@HardyBuckette

I think a give and take would be good. That's all.

It just feels extremely one sided. I don't like having to do things only on other people's terms.

Practically speaking, what do you think this give and take would look like, with friends as busy as you say yours are? I can't see any way it could be achieved other than them leaving space they'd otherwise fill with other social events for you to meet with them if you feel spontaneous and your spontaneity happens to coincide with the Saturday they left free for you not the Sunday they didn't. That isn't reasonable.

I think it's completely fair enough if you just conclude that you're too incompatible for a friendship to work, and that 2 or 3 months booking time is just too long for you. But you can't expect them to leave swathes of time free for you to see them or not, or to switch their entire approach. It's not like vice versa where someone as spontaneous as you can compromise slightly but still leave 95% of your free time available to do whatever takes your fancy at short notice. There isn't an equivalent for them.

I don't accept they have every second of their life planned out. It's just not how it is.

I know they have random times they're free where they could hang out.

They just don't prioritise it. They prioritise other things and other people, at the last minute. It's absolutely like that.

It sounds to me as if you are concerned that something more attractive might come up in the mean time.

I don't find that very appealing.

@Mariposista

I don't mind planning in advance for something big, like a weekend away or concert, but if it's a coffee or a glass of wine, there is no way I am planning months before it happens - sorry, but you're not the prime minister, I don't like being 'squeezed in' to someone's 'busy life'.

Hahaha this also reminds me of another friend who texted me recently like : oh we must catch up! I've been SOOOOO busy. I've got a busy period coming up now, I'll let you know when I'm available.'

I'm like, yeah... um. How about I'll let YOU know when I am available, seeing as I am about to give birth to my third child........ she responded, oh yeah I completely forgot........

Ok, you said they pinned you down because they had so many plans and all have super busy lives. If they do actually have free time earlier than the start of June but they've just decided to prioritise something else over spending time with you, and you would be willing to commit eg 3 weeks in advance but not 7, that's a different kettle of fish. It shows where you are on the priority list.

Especially if they were always like this and it's not a post lockdown bottleneck where everyone has two years worth of delayed and rearranged weddings, holidays, christenings, bar mitzvahs, concerts, family reunions etc etc to fit in. That is, if it's something you can reasonably assume will be a permanent fixture.

@blablablau

Are you a really good listener with people pleasing habits? If so you’ll definitely attract that type of “friend”.