To just give up on people who need 3 months notice to meet up

[blablablau]

It's really frustrating me how inflexible people are, or maybe I'm the inflexible one ?

A friend reached out last week, asking to see each other on jubilee weekend.. I hate to make plans that far in advance. It really, really bothers me. I will not usually make plans that far in advance - unless it's:

1. A wedding
2. Hen do
3. A very special big birthday for someone important
4. A christening
5. A holiday
6. A weekend away ( perhaps )

If it's just going for a pint or going around someone's house for dinner, I usually like to arrange it - maximum a month before.

Aibu to think that trying to lock someone down 3-4 months before just a cup of tea or a pint, is absolutely ridiculous ? I know a few people like this and just can't help but get frustrated when they suggest this kind of stuff. My family is very spontaneous and it could well be that on jubilee weekend, I might want to catch a flight to visit my parents ( who live abroad ) for example. I usually don't decide that kind of stuff until 2 weeks before, sometimes even less time. Same for when my family come and visit me. Yet I may have an obligatory pint in my diary that someone booked me for 3 months before. I just find it really absolutely ridiculous.

I'm finding more and more people behave like this and I end it losing interest and not bothering much anymore.

Is everyone like this and I am the inflexible one ?

YANBU. Your friend is bonkers, i don't know anyone who does that. I would just reply you'd love to but you might go away so will let her know a couple of weeks before. If she doesn't like that, then tell her she can go ahead and make other plans.

Because it is daft to expect people to keep time free and by implication miss out on other stuff in case you feel like being spontaneous, but it sounds like the actual problem here is them putting you low down the priority list.

You definitely can't expect people to refuse to do other stuff incase Op might want to meet up.
Are they prioritising other stuff because the Op is non-committal?

A change of attitude - yes I'll set the 3rd Saturday in June aside to do x - brilliant see you then. And another way people fill diaries is before the end of the get together, when are we next meeting, bung it in the diary.

Lots of people will want a chilled day / family day in the weekend too. Maybe their partner would get the huff if they were to say "Oh I'm meeting Amanda on Saturday and Susy on Sunday"

I also have friends who work shifts who only have a weekend off once every 6 weeks. You can guarantee that they'll have plans for that weekend weeks in advance

I have a busy life as well. I just don't like to lock myself in with too many plans. I prefer to go with the flow.

Honestly, this sounds like 'I don't want to plan a set date in case a better offer comes along'.

I thought your post was going to be about someone not being free for the next 3 months. I'd get if they were picking a random date in the diary, but booking time in when there's a BH makes sense, as some would treat it as a mini break and will want to use the time to catch up with friends.

I, personally, don't have time for friends who don't want to commit for fear they'll miss out on a better deal when the time comes

Quite frankly OP, I really dislike people like you who like to keep their options open in case a better offer comes up, it shows complete disrespect for friends and family who want to make plans in advance. If you like people enough to want to spend time with them, then making plans in advance shouldn't be a problem, the fact that you don't want to, says you're not much of a catch friendship wise and you'd quickly be coming off of my invite list.

@Speakuptomakeyourselfheard

Quite frankly OP, I really dislike people like you who like to keep their options open in case a better offer comes up, it shows complete disrespect for friends and family who want to make plans in advance. If you like people enough to want to spend time with them, then making plans in advance shouldn't be a problem, the fact that you don't want to, says you're not much of a catch friendship wise and you'd quickly be coming off of my invite list.

I think the exact opposite to you. And wouldn't want to be your friend either. I literally see it completely the other way around. If I am so far down your list, that you need to give me three months notice to see me for a couple of hours, then I don't want your friendship. That's how I see it.

@blablablau Do you never just wake up on a Sunday and think ' oh I really fancy doing X today ! '. But then you just can't, because you've planned your entire life away already ?

I can handle planning around 2 weekends a month. One activity, not the entire weekend. Otherwise it would be too much for me. Not to have that freedom to decide to just do something on a whim"

I do occasionally but I tend to have my weekday evenings free. Once my DS in bed my weeknights very low key, reading and watching films. And also, I like seeing my friends and family so don't see it as planning my life away. I see it as nice things lined up with people I love.

@NippyWoowoo

I have a busy life as well. I just don't like to lock myself in with too many plans. I prefer to go with the flow.

Honestly, this sounds like 'I don't want to plan a set date in case a better offer comes along'.

I thought your post was going to be about someone not being free for the next 3 months. I'd get if they were picking a random date in the diary, but booking time in when there's a BH makes sense, as some would treat it as a mini break and will want to use the time to catch up with friends.

I, personally, don't have time for friends who don't want to commit for fear they'll miss out on a better deal when the time comes

I'll set a date for important stuff, like a wedding or a big birthday. But I refuse to be locked in for a coffee or a pint, three months from now.

So essentially you don’t think seeing your friends is important enough to bother booking in advance?

It’s telling that you view having a plan in the diary to see a friend as being ‘locked in’.

Do you never just wake up on a Sunday and think ' oh I really fancy doing X today ! '. But then you just can't, because you've planned your entire life away already ?

No, because I only plan things that I actually want to do, with people I actually want to see. You see it as ‘planning life away’, I see it as seizing the day and making the most of the time I have. Seeing friends rejuvenates and recharges me, whatever we do together it’s one of my favourite ways to spend time. I get so much from a coffee date with a friend it boosts me for days. I’m not arranging things I don’t love doing and then regretting it when the day comes around, I’m looking forward to it.

Do you suffer from saying yes to invitations just because you feel obligated or lack the backbone to decline? I think you need to be more choosy about spending time with people and what you do, if a plan to have a drink with a friend ten weeks from now makes you feel so irritated. Maybe you just don’t attract very good or deep friendships.

@Hobbittingaroundtown

So essentially you don’t think seeing your friends is important enough to bother booking in advance?

You’ve summed it up.

It seems like friendships and seeing friends are way down the list of OP’s priorities. That’s fine, but they shouldn’t be surprised if friends treat her the same way too.

The whole ‘I refuse to be locked in!’ makes you seem really childish and petulant tbh. Friends aren’t trying to force you into something horrible or get one over on you. It’s a bit cutting your nose off to spite your face ‘no, shan’t! Can’t make me!’ but whatever, as long as you’re cool with it.

@AskItaliano

The whole ‘I refuse to be locked in!’ makes you seem really childish and petulant tbh. Friends aren’t trying to force you into something horrible or get one over on you. It’s a bit cutting your nose off to spite your face ‘no, shan’t! Can’t make me!’ but whatever, as long as you’re cool with it.

I just find it so rigid and formal to have to make plans for something quite minor, several months in advance. Like I keep saying, if it's a major thing, then OK.

But other stuff can just be ad hock. And if friends can't even make a plan for a coffee, a month in advance, I feel very low on their list of priorities ( unless there's exceptional circumstances ). If you want to see your friend for a coffee, a month notice should be enough.

And like I KEEP saying, I literally always go along with these far flung plans and see my friends, I just find it ridiculous and wish sometimes we could do something more spontaneous.

@Hobbittingaroundtown

So essentially you don’t think seeing your friends is important enough to bother booking in advance?

No. I think I'm not important enough to them, for them to fit me in for a coffee unless they have three months notice.

I have something in the diary every single weekend from now until mid June. Like a pp: music festivals, meals out, nights round with different friends, camping trips, a girls weekend and a weekend away with my Mum. I'm also trying to study for exams mid-June as well as work full-time so I am now well into July before I have a free weekend. I get your frustration but plenty of people have to plan quite far in advance when they have busy lives and families.

I've got a meet-up partway through one of the upcoming bank holiday weekends and that few hours does eliminate quite a lot of options of how to spend the whole weekend. In this case it's worth it because it's a group and involves a friend visiting from considerable distance so isn't an occasion to be replicated in a hurry. I would be reluctant to plan to interupt the weekend like that for a local friend to do something that can be done quite easily with considerably less notice.

We've got friends who are great for seeing spontaneously and it's easier. If someone's off colour or the kids just need a lazy day (DS has ASD and some days just has limited capacity for Life) it's much easier to arrange at short notice or defer to a day when we'll enjoy it more.

Quite often dates have been mooted ages in advance with friends and then a plan wasn't really pinned down and the whole thing falls through because they forgot and other stuff cropped up. That's less likely if plans are made within weeks rather than months.

It's not necessarily waiting for something "better" it's wanting a better sense of how life jigsaws together.

In the last couple of years all the pre-booking has been stiffling. In the UK, you often want to know what the weather's likely to be up to before wasting a load of money on a miserable wash-out, and it's simpler to play by ear on DS's energy level than to end up with meltdowns because we dutifully turned up to do things that were booked blind to how he would be on the day. That doesn't mean that we don't make any plans in advance, but there does need to be a certain amount of slack too.

@EllaPaella

I have something in the diary every single weekend from now until mid June. Like a pp: music festivals, meals out, nights round with different friends, camping trips, a girls weekend and a weekend away with my Mum. I'm also trying to study for exams mid-June as well as work full-time so I am now well into July before I have a free weekend. I get your frustration but plenty of people have to plan quite far in advance when they have busy lives and families.

I think that's fair enough, if you have a busy period. If this is constantly your life and you never asked me to make plans until you were already booked up for 4 months in advance, then I would just think I was super low on your list of who you want to spend time with.

I just find it so rigid and formal to have to make plans for something quite minor, several months in advance.

Exactly, you see making an arrangement to see a friend as a minor thing. To that friend who wants to arrange it it might be a major thing for them that’s meaningful. It comes across like their company isn’t worth much alone to you, it has to be accompanied by doing something flashy together for it to be worth your while.

I just don’t get that attitude. Seeing a friend is a really important thing for me whether we meet for a costa or for a weekend away. Both are just as worthy of my time. I think people just value friendships differently. Friends are family to me.

My free weekends are only every other because of the way our step family is set up. So 8 weeks for you is only 4 for me. Thank goodness my friends understand and always make time for me appreciating the situation at this time in our lives

@blablablau

It's really frustrating me how inflexible people are, or maybe I'm the inflexible one ?

A friend reached out last week, asking to see each other on jubilee weekend.. I hate to make plans that far in advance. It really, really bothers me. I will not usually make plans that far in advance - unless it's:

1. A wedding
2. Hen do
3. A very special big birthday for someone important
4. A christening
5. A holiday
6. A weekend away ( perhaps )

If it's just going for a pint or going around someone's house for dinner, I usually like to arrange it - maximum a month before.

Aibu to think that trying to lock someone down 3-4 months before just a cup of tea or a pint, is absolutely ridiculous ? I know a few people like this and just can't help but get frustrated when they suggest this kind of stuff. My family is very spontaneous and it could well be that on jubilee weekend, I might want to catch a flight to visit my parents ( who live abroad ) for example. I usually don't decide that kind of stuff until 2 weeks before, sometimes even less time. Same for when my family come and visit me. Yet I may have an obligatory pint in my diary that someone booked me for 3 months before. I just find it really absolutely ridiculous.

I'm finding more and more people behave like this and I end it losing interest and not bothering much anymore.

Is everyone like this and I am the inflexible one ?

Yanbu I am exactly the same

I cannot be arsed

I’m with you OP, but I don’t think people on the opposite end of the spectrum, the planners, will ever see our point of view - just look at all the accusations of not valuing friendships, not attracting good friends or waiting for a better offer! It really isn’t like that at all.

Personally, if I had every single weekend planned out for the next few months it would make me feel anxious and boxed in, even if all of the things were things I liked and enjoyed and wanted to do. Some weekends I wake up and just want to have a lazy morning, or I might get a last minute invite to something else at short notice and can never be spontaneous because I’ve planned my life away. This isn’t ‘waiting for a better offer’ - I wouldn’t cancel an existing plan for a new one, even if I thought it was better. And like you, I have no issue planning big events in advance, but something as casual as a drink is one of those things that’s more a ‘when the mood takes you’ activity for me. I think a couple of weeks notice should be fine for things like that.

Also, even if I put it in the diary, I will forget if it’s ages away. I just will. Any time after the next 2-3 weeks seems like the distant future and I have no idea how I’ll be feeling by then or what might happen in the intervening days, because I take things day by day, I don’t generally remember things booked far in advance because I’m focusing on the now.

Despite this I really do value my friends, have deep and reciprocal friendships and I do make plans with planny people further in advance than I’d ideally like, but I really appreciate having spontaneous friends as well. Plus, I genuinely don’t understand how they’re filling all that time! Even if I WANTED to be busy every weekend for the next 3 months, I guess I could round up people to hang out with but it also seems like that lifestyle would get quite expensive if it involves travel or buying tickets to stuff. On a basic level it just baffles me.

I'm with you in spirit, and hope one day that my world will once again be filled with spontaneous pints. But I have so many commitments right now (kids, caring, other shit) that I need loads of notice to do anything.

Maybe something will have happened with my work / my husbands work and that will then be the only time we can go. And now I can't go because you want to spend one hour at costas with me ? Don't put me in that position. I don't like cancelling on people.

No one is ‘putting you in that position’ except you. YOU have decided you don’t like cancelling - but you are blaming your friend for even asking, and are annoyed with her because you no longer have an entirely free weekend. YOU accepted the invitation.

You could have said ‘That sounds great, but we’re hoping to go away that weekend. Can I let you know closer to the time?’ and taken the risk that she might make other plans on the meantime. You could have said ‘ That sounds great, but we’re going away that weekend. Are you free on date X instead?’ and taken the risk of not having any plans if you ended up not going. You could have just said ‘Honestly, I’ve no idea what I’ll be doing yet - I’m not really making any plans beyond the next couple of weeks’.

You didn’t do any of these. You chose to accept the invitation, but are now silently seething that she dared to ask you so far in advance and that you have to plan around this arrangement. I think you believe that being someone who doesn’t cancel makes you a good person; a better person than the friends who expect you to make plans in advance and sacrifice the chance of spontaneity. But all you’re really doing is making yourself miserable - and the meet-up won’t be much fun for your friend either if you’re sitting there resenting her.

You have three choices. 1) Keep the plans and accept that, while that means you won’t be able to go away for the entire weekend, you could still make plans for the other three days. 2) Cancel now and go away, or make more spontaneous plans when the time comes. 3) Cancel further down the line if you get the chance to go away, and just run the risk that your friend might be annoyed.

Technically speaking, you have a fourth choice, which is stick with the plans and continue to bitch about how inconsiderate your friend was to even ask. But that doesn’t seem to be making you very happy.

This is a useful thread, OP. I tend to plan a long time in advance (at least 4 weeks) as I'm usually really busy and upcoming weekends/evenings are often full. I didn't even think about the fact that some friends might not like planning in advance.

I'm going to start asking friends if they prefer advance planning or to be more spontaneous. Then I'll know who I can call at the last minute - I'd often love to but never do this because I had been assuming no-one likes it. Silly of me to assume others had the same approach as me, now I won't make that mistake any more. Thanks OP!

I completely agree with the OP 100%.

@Myrighteyeball

This is a useful thread, OP. I tend to plan a long time in advance (at least 4 weeks) as I'm usually really busy and upcoming weekends/evenings are often full. I didn't even think about the fact that some friends might not like planning in advance.

I'm going to start asking friends if they prefer advance planning or to be more spontaneous. Then I'll know who I can call at the last minute - I'd often love to but never do this because I had been assuming no-one likes it. Silly of me to assume others had the same approach as me, now I won't make that mistake any more. Thanks OP!

It's also been useful for me because I didn't realise really that some people see it as a sign that they really care about their friends if they book them way in advance.

I always saw it as the sign that they don't care about their friends much. So the complete opposite.