Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just give up on people who need 3 months notice to meet up

262 replies

blablablau · 11/04/2022 11:19

It's really frustrating me how inflexible people are, or maybe I'm the inflexible one ?

A friend reached out last week, asking to see each other on jubilee weekend.. I hate to make plans that far in advance. It really, really bothers me. I will not usually make plans that far in advance - unless it's:

  1. A wedding
  2. Hen do
  3. A very special big birthday for someone important
  4. A christening
  5. A holiday
  6. A weekend away ( perhaps )

If it's just going for a pint or going around someone's house for dinner, I usually like to arrange it - maximum a month before.

Aibu to think that trying to lock someone down 3-4 months before just a cup of tea or a pint, is absolutely ridiculous ? I know a few people like this and just can't help but get frustrated when they suggest this kind of stuff. My family is very spontaneous and it could well be that on jubilee weekend, I might want to catch a flight to visit my parents ( who live abroad ) for example. I usually don't decide that kind of stuff until 2 weeks before, sometimes even less time. Same for when my family come and visit me. Yet I may have an obligatory pint in my diary that someone booked me for 3 months before. I just find it really absolutely ridiculous.

I'm finding more and more people behave like this and I end it losing interest and not bothering much anymore.

Is everyone like this and I am the inflexible one ?

OP posts:
AuntieStella · 11/04/2022 13:41

It's a major, unusually long bank hol weekend. It's not like an ordinary date

I think lots of people will be making their plans in advance.

Oblomov22 · 11/04/2022 13:43

You keep changing what you are saying. One minute it's meeting a friend for coffee, in 3 months time. The next, it's they aren't your friends, so barely an acquaintance, friends of a friend?

Original poster
blablablau · 11/04/2022 13:45

@Oblomov22

You keep changing what you are saying. One minute it's meeting a friend for coffee, in 3 months time. The next, it's they aren't your friends, so barely an acquaintance, friends of a friend?
I think that's kind of the point. If someone is a close friend they make time.
OP posts:
Original poster
blablablau · 11/04/2022 13:48

@Oblomov22 and the cases that annoy me the most, are the ones where I go along with it and meet them to THEIR expectations and standards ( so 3 months in advance ), eventhough I don't really like doing it. But THEY are never there when I might actually need them at shorter notice. Just feels so one sided and I can't be bothered with it sometimes.

OP posts:
Original poster
blablablau · 11/04/2022 13:49

It feels completely on their terms and never anywhere close to mine.

OP posts:
FlambeTomato · 11/04/2022 13:54

Sorry but I think YABU
I have a friend just like you - I love her to bits when I actually see her but that is basically never! She doesn't like to book things too far in advance but she is always too busy to do anything short notice. So unless I happen to be standing around doing nothing during the 5 minutes that she spontaneously wants to see me, we just don't get to meet up.
It is worse when she does try to plan ahead and then cancels at the last minute though - it is really shit to be the person that has something in planned in your schedule for months, turning down other things to honour it and then is let down at the last minute. At least it doesn't sound like you are doing that OP!
I think you could consider how your actions are coming across though - your friends might start to feel like they just aren't that important to you if you will never commit to having a pint when they are free. It could seem a bit like you are waiting to see if there is something better that you would want to do instead?

LeaveYourHatOn · 11/04/2022 13:55

But how does it work if every time you spontaneously decide you'd like to see that particular friend and they already have plans (which yes, they made ages ago)? So you never see them?

jampim · 11/04/2022 13:55

I don't have a huge group of friends and family, but many of them work weekends/nights (NHS, care/veterinary) and several of them have dependants that are elderly and young.

If we didn't book in time to see each other in advance we'd never see each other. A few of them have to book respite care, others have to swap work shifts, one has autism.

It is impossible for our meet ups to be spontaneous. But I love them and understand their circumstances so I'm fine booking things 2 months in advance.

rookiemere · 11/04/2022 13:55

So those sound like rubbish friends- so stop meeting them, or tell them that you'd rather meet somewhere closer.

I have a close friend and I was beginning to feel like she was taking advantage- I did the driving all the time - and whilst it's not dreadfully out of my way, it was a bit of a pain, and she picked the restaurant beside her bus stop home but a half hour walk from mine.

So I just stopped offering a few times and said that particular restaurant didn't suit, now she seems a lot more grateful for lifts and things.

ilovesooty · 11/04/2022 13:56

@romdowa

Pointless planning so far in advance. Things crop up and ime plans made too far in advance get cancelled far more because usually a better offer comes up.
You usually cancel plans when you get a better offer?
Original poster
blablablau · 11/04/2022 13:58

@FlambeTomato

Sorry but I think YABU I have a friend just like you - I love her to bits when I actually see her but that is basically never! She doesn't like to book things too far in advance but she is always too busy to do anything short notice. So unless I happen to be standing around doing nothing during the 5 minutes that she spontaneously wants to see me, we just don't get to meet up. It is worse when she does try to plan ahead and then cancels at the last minute though - it is really shit to be the person that has something in planned in your schedule for months, turning down other things to honour it and then is let down at the last minute. At least it doesn't sound like you are doing that OP! I think you could consider how your actions are coming across though - your friends might start to feel like they just aren't that important to you if you will never commit to having a pint when they are free. It could seem a bit like you are waiting to see if there is something better that you would want to do instead?
I don't think I made myself clear here if that's what you think I'm like.

I always agree to meeting them, no matter how far in advance. I also always stick to it.

I just don't really like it ! And if I ever suggest something a bit more short notice, then friend is never there for me.

So it's her way, or the high way, essentially.

OP posts:
Diplidocus4 · 11/04/2022 13:58

I work shifts , diary and forward planning are essential or I wouldn't see friends .

Often have to book time off / annual leave months or years in advance.

Abouttimemum · 11/04/2022 14:03

I prefer to arrange thing closer to the time, but weekends are so full that they always just end up booked up, so someone asking to meet up at the weekend, it would be July. If I said, let’s arrange closer to the time, then they’d just arrange something else without me and I’d miss out (or fit in I suppose) anyway always got time for a brew of course!

Weekdays are no problem.

LeaveYourHatOn · 11/04/2022 14:03

I also don't really see what there is not to like about it - you presumably want to see these people, but instead of deciding on Monday that you're going to see them on Friday, you've got a longer wait - but you still get to see them? What actual difference does it make to you? You've got 3 months in which to spontaneously decide to meet up with all the other friends you have that don't already have plans. The time will pass either way, whether you make the plans or not - so if you want to see them, how is it "on their terms" really? It's finding a date which you can both meet up on!

Fairyarmpits · 11/04/2022 14:04

It's not difficult. You agree to it and it goes in the calendar.

I have a friend who likes to do everything last minute. To say she is chaotic and unreliable would be an understatement. She can't plan more than a week in advance. She's like a child. I've mainly given up on her now.

deadlanguage · 11/04/2022 14:09

YABU. People have lots of things going on in their lives - seeing family, kids parties, hobbies, holidays etc and forward planning is obviously necessary to fit all of it in. Being annoyed that your friends aren’t available at the drop of a hat is completely bizarre.
You also say you don’t like to make plans in advance in case you want to do something else that day. Well, if you decide you want to hop on a plane you just do that on a day where you don’t already have plans!

Original poster
blablablau · 11/04/2022 14:11

@deadlanguage

YABU. People have lots of things going on in their lives - seeing family, kids parties, hobbies, holidays etc and forward planning is obviously necessary to fit all of it in. Being annoyed that your friends aren’t available at the drop of a hat is completely bizarre. You also say you don’t like to make plans in advance in case you want to do something else that day. Well, if you decide you want to hop on a plane you just do that on a day where you don’t already have plans!
You speak like I don't have those things in my life.. but I also do. I just prefer to ' plan ' my time differently.
OP posts:
Volhhg · 11/04/2022 14:18

I also had a friend get annoyed with me because I had to cancel our coffee date which was made three months in advance because my sister came over from abroad who I hadn't seen for two years. Obviously I had to prioritise that! My friend lives in the same town as me.

godmum56 · 11/04/2022 14:20

honestly what is the problem? plan ahead if you want to don't if you don't.

deadlanguage · 11/04/2022 14:21

You speak like I don't have those things in my life.. but I also do. I just prefer to ' plan ' my time differently.

But if you’re planning around fixed events it’s inevitable that you will need to look further ahead. If Johnny has a party this weekend, Susie has a tennis competition next weekend, you’re visiting relatives the third weekend (advance rail fares are much cheaper, so spontaneity is expensive there), then you’re already looking at a month before you can squeeze in that coffee catchup.

ladyvimes · 11/04/2022 14:21

Literally everyone I know is super busy and have to make plans weeks and weeks in advance. Occasionally I can arrange something last minute but that is not often!!

girlmom21 · 11/04/2022 14:24

@blablablau

It feels completely on their terms and never anywhere close to mine.
That's different. That's not just a difference of planning style. That's pure selfishness on their part. There ought to be a compromise.
FlambeTomato · 11/04/2022 14:25

@blablablau
Yeah I didn't really get that from your postings - you seem to be saying that you don't think you should have to bother with people who want to book things in advance!
Honestly, if someone is a good friend they will understand a sudden change of work schedule has meant that you can manage a short notice holiday. I doubt that they would be upset if you excused yourself from going to the pub a couple of weeks before planned. Of course, if you were cancelling / rearranging all the time that might be different. Also, you might have to accept that when they look to reschedule it will be in another three months.
I think saying that everyone is expecting you to do things on their terms and your friends aren't there for you when you want to meet up is a bit much. They're just busy when you ask to meet up at short notice and instead of flatly declining they are suggesting a time that they know they are free.

Neverreturntoathread · 11/04/2022 14:29

Yanbu. I asked a mum friend who I used to be very close to, in October, if she’d like to meetup for coffee. She said “love to but so busy, it’ll have to be next year.” Made me feel pretty crap. She works part time so not exactly impossible to squeeze in a half hr coffee.

Doubt we’ll meet again.

Tulipblacksmith · 11/04/2022 14:31

OP I’m with you.

Like you said for weddings and big occasions fine but for a cuppa tea? Well who knows I may well be busy with my own family then.

I did have a friend like this who would book literally a visit 4 months in advance. I often ended up cancelling due to other plans with my family and then I felt bad. We are not friends anymore. If that makes me Inflexible I’m okay with that.

It was one of my resolutions actually to only ever agree to something if I really wanted to do it.

I don’t have many friends and that is entirely by choice. My friendship needs are satisfied by 1-2 very close friends, my sister, mother and female cousins.

I love spending time with my husband and kids the most though. Other things can be a hinderance to me.