To just give up on people who need 3 months notice to meet up

[blablablau]

It's really frustrating me how inflexible people are, or maybe I'm the inflexible one ?

A friend reached out last week, asking to see each other on jubilee weekend.. I hate to make plans that far in advance. It really, really bothers me. I will not usually make plans that far in advance - unless it's:

1. A wedding
2. Hen do
3. A very special big birthday for someone important
4. A christening
5. A holiday
6. A weekend away ( perhaps )

If it's just going for a pint or going around someone's house for dinner, I usually like to arrange it - maximum a month before.

Aibu to think that trying to lock someone down 3-4 months before just a cup of tea or a pint, is absolutely ridiculous ? I know a few people like this and just can't help but get frustrated when they suggest this kind of stuff. My family is very spontaneous and it could well be that on jubilee weekend, I might want to catch a flight to visit my parents ( who live abroad ) for example. I usually don't decide that kind of stuff until 2 weeks before, sometimes even less time. Same for when my family come and visit me. Yet I may have an obligatory pint in my diary that someone booked me for 3 months before. I just find it really absolutely ridiculous.

I'm finding more and more people behave like this and I end it losing interest and not bothering much anymore.

Is everyone like this and I am the inflexible one ?

I’m more of a “go with the flow” type as well but I’ve had to change as I often ended up with people inviting me on the same weekends then couldn’t do alternatives because it was too short notice.
It works better for me to organise in advance.

@Foghead

I’m more of a “go with the flow” type as well but I’ve had to change as I often ended up with people inviting me on the same weekends then couldn’t do alternatives because it was too short notice. It works better for me to organise in advance.

Surely a month is enough time ? Unless it's a very big occasion..

You’re making this into a big drama for no reason, that’s much more annoying than planning well ahead. Just say I don’t know what I’m doing yet but if you’re still free closer to the time I’ll let you know.

2 types of people in life.

1. Ones who make lots of plans and largely stick to them
2. ones who don't make many plans and see how it goes.

Everyone in category 1 thinks everyone in category 2 is flakey and hard work. Everyone in category 2 thinks everyone in category 1 is uptight and hard work. Basically socialising is hard work.

I do agree that I wouldn't expect 2 months notice for a pint, but you've already said you "Might fly away" or "Might stay and chill". These might sound perfectly alright to you but for someone in category 1 it's giving off huge flakey vibes, so I'm not surprised your friend is trying to pin you down...

Sometimes things need long planning: to go to a killers concert next year, To get together from May bank holiday or to go away for a few days. Other times do you want to arrange something the end of the month, in two weeks time, next week, can you do something Friday?
Allsorts of different plans

• so what's the problem?

I think alot depends on circumstance and where you are in life.

You come across as single with no kids and enough disposable income to 'just book a flight'.

Add a partner and dependant kids who all have their own schedules, pets, elderly parents, unusual working hours and time gets quickly restricted.

I prefer to work as you do and not book 'bits' too much ahead. In reality though it means I actually get to do these 'bits' quite rarely!! And the gap between Easter and the summer holidays being quite short it always gets booked up!

So you're saying that closer to the time you might not feel like meeting up with them? That's not that nice really.

Go with the flow/prioritising how you feel that day kind of only works if everyone else is willing to be dropped/picked up on your whim.

I hate cancelling. I work 60hrs and have four kids. Sometimes I'm knackered to the extent I become physically unwell. I vomited all Saturday. The better offer is my health. And if I only see you every three months because you've got a free slot in your busy social calendar you're not much of a friend to me.
Having said that I am the friend who is available when other peoples plans fall through - which is so often I wonder why they bother making the plans in the first place. However I'm totally fine with that

Surely a month is enough time ? Unless it's a very big occasion

Not always. I have a couple of other friends that I usually meet up with in a group and we often book 3 months in advance to make sure we can all make it.
One to one is easier.

@Technosaurus

2 types of people in life.

1. Ones who make lots of plans and largely stick to them
2. ones who don't make many plans and see how it goes.

Everyone in category 1 thinks everyone in category 2 is flakey and hard work. Everyone in category 2 thinks everyone in category 1 is uptight and hard work. Basically socialising is hard work.

I do agree that I wouldn't expect 2 months notice for a pint, but you've already said you "Might fly away" or "Might stay and chill". These might sound perfectly alright to you but for someone in category 1 it's giving off huge flakey vibes, so I'm not surprised your friend is trying to pin you down...

They don't pin me down because they think I have plans. They pin me down because they have so many plans...

Like I said, I usually agree and pop along to whenever. It just annoys me internally.

I'm also put off by reaching out and making plans with people like this. I know one friend who's awaiting for me to reach out and ' plan ' a meet up. It's just going to annoy me when I reach out and hear a potential July meet date. Like, who are you ? The queen ?

I may decide that in July I want to go on holiday.

We just don't plan this stuff more than a month in advance- ever ( holidays included ). It's also our jobs that cause this, as they can be unpredictable in terms of when we can do stuff.

Oh Christ I had forgotten about jubilee weekend and we are moving back to UK and living in Windsor and roughly at that point— good job I will be busy unpacking!!!

I do this but it's because I left my home town several years ago.
When I book flights I'll say hey friends I'm home on x date who's free for drinks/ dinner / catch up. So for them it's just a drink but I wont be home again for months later so if I miss one it could be ages before I see them again.

I'm a lone parent with very limited childcare. It's far easier for me to book way in advance so I can secure childcare. I'm glad my friends understand how hard it is for me to juggle life, and support me by booking dates in to catch up months in advance.

Kindness doesn't cost.

Yeah but they have plans because they like having plans. I'm similar to them, but then I have children so need to plan ahead.

Only yesterday we were trying to sort out when to meet up with some friends (who also have children) who live 20 miles away and the earliest date we could all do was August!

You clearly don't like having plans and want to see how it goes, which is fine, that's your prerogative. As PP have said, sounds like you're at a different stage in life.

But I wouldn't hold it against your friend that they are committing the heinous crime of trying to meet up with you? The other option sounds like it'd be never meeting up because your two approaches to calendars are wildly different...

It’s a wonder you have friends 😮‍💨

It's up to you how you want to plan your life OP, but it seems kind of weird and inflexible to me. Sometimes I plan things a couple of months in advance, sometimes its on the week, can't see why anyone would be bothered as long as i'm making the effort to get in touch.

@audweb

I'm a lone parent with very limited childcare. It's far easier for me to book way in advance so I can secure childcare. I'm glad my friends understand how hard it is for me to juggle life, and support me by booking dates in to catch up months in advance.

Kindness doesn't cost.

Yeah this isn't about me being unkind.

None of my friends are in your situation.

They're all super wealthy with kids and super busy lives jetting all over the place.

Sometimes things need planning particularly if it's a group of friends, I'm part of a group of 5 girls.

Trying to arrange a meet up, is headache. Between holidays, kids, pets, family events, it just keeps getting pushed back until we find a date thar works

Im guessing you don't have kids. The only way I get to see all my friends and my large family is by scheduling stuff far in advance. We are all in our 30s and have busy work schedules and family life it's the only way we get to see each other regularly.

I’m with you OP, when I reach out for an informal meet up - coffee or couple of drinks, I mean in the next couple of weeks not in 3 months time. It annoys me when I’m trying to plan a group catch up and we are expected to wait months for an available date when it is very much likely to fall through especially in covid time. Surely the available people can meet up sooner and meet up again in 3 months!

@rookiemere

It's up to you how you want to plan your life OP, but it seems kind of weird and inflexible to me. Sometimes I plan things a couple of months in advance, sometimes its on the week, can't see why anyone would be bothered as long as i'm making the effort to get in touch.

I like a mixture of it. And with some friends I have that. With others, no.

11:19 "I will not usually make plans that far in advance unless it's...
...
5) a holiday"

vs

11:48 "I may decide in July that I want to go on holiday"

This sort of inconsistency is why I'm thinking your friends are trying to make plans!

We don't have a busy life at all. I have a deeply unsociable husband and we don't have hundreds of friends or a big family. DD is at university, our friends don't tend to have parties, everyone is already married, DH is semi retired and I work part time, so we lead a very quiet life (a bit too quiet for my liking) so I make a point of seeing my friends and joining in local groups and classes. Now that we are older we go to more funerals than weddings these days.

@Technosaurus

11:19 "I will not usually make plans that far in advance unless it's... ... 5) a holiday"

vs

11:48 "I may decide in July that I want to go on holiday"

This sort of inconsistency is why I'm thinking your friends are trying to make plans!

Ah chill out. I understand most people plan holidays a year in advance. I don't usually plan them more than 1 month in advance. I'm sure in my life I have. But usually it's short notices