To just give up on people who need 3 months notice to meet up

[blablablau]

It's really frustrating me how inflexible people are, or maybe I'm the inflexible one ?

A friend reached out last week, asking to see each other on jubilee weekend.. I hate to make plans that far in advance. It really, really bothers me. I will not usually make plans that far in advance - unless it's:

1. A wedding
2. Hen do
3. A very special big birthday for someone important
4. A christening
5. A holiday
6. A weekend away ( perhaps )

If it's just going for a pint or going around someone's house for dinner, I usually like to arrange it - maximum a month before.

Aibu to think that trying to lock someone down 3-4 months before just a cup of tea or a pint, is absolutely ridiculous ? I know a few people like this and just can't help but get frustrated when they suggest this kind of stuff. My family is very spontaneous and it could well be that on jubilee weekend, I might want to catch a flight to visit my parents ( who live abroad ) for example. I usually don't decide that kind of stuff until 2 weeks before, sometimes even less time. Same for when my family come and visit me. Yet I may have an obligatory pint in my diary that someone booked me for 3 months before. I just find it really absolutely ridiculous.

I'm finding more and more people behave like this and I end it losing interest and not bothering much anymore.

Is everyone like this and I am the inflexible one ?

Totally unhinged and self absorbed. People have stuff to do, perhaps another friend will want to make plans or they'll find tickets for an event or something. How can you expect them to just keep blocks of time free without booking anything in just in case you decide feel like hanging out with them/that's where the flow takes you?

You're just incompatible.

Some friendships and groups work because everyone is spontaneous, nobody minds not having things in the diary in advance and people are happy to be asked at short notice if they fancy doing something.

Others work because people like planning in advance (or have to).

Neither is right or wrong. I'm the latter and would absolutely hate the former (I'm up for spontaneity but rarely have space for it due to plans, I much prefer being organised and having things to look forward to). If someone asked me whether I fancied meeting up on the Jubilee weekend I'd know if I was free and say yes or not. Then it'd be happening. I don't really see what hardship it is to get a calendar and mark on it that you're seeing someone?

The fact they're wanting to book in seeing you in advance shows that they value your time and want to see you!

Frankly, this:

My family is very spontaneous and it could well be that on jubilee weekend, I might want to catch a flight to visit my parents ( who live abroad ) for example. I usually don't decide that kind of stuff until 2 weeks before, sometimes even less time. Same for when my family come and visit me. Yet I may have an obligatory pint in my diary that someone booked me for 3 months before.

Makes you sound a bit arrogant, like you don't want plans in your diary as you'd rather be free to choose nearer the time which thing you most fancy doing. If you're arranged to meet a friend and then something else comes up you want to be able to sack them off and follow your flight of fancy. Really with genuine friendships you should be able to say two weeks before a coffee 'I'm sorry to be a let down but would it be okay if we rebooked this? A chance to go see my parents has come up and I really want to take advantage of the cheap flights. Hope that's okay' and it would be fine. If you're taking the piss and flaking left right and centre or sacking off a friend for some other minor thing then that makes you a bad friend.

@Neverreturntoathread

Yanbu. I asked a mum friend who I used to be very close to, in October, if she’d like to meetup for coffee. She said “love to but so busy, it’ll have to be next year.” Made me feel pretty crap. She works part time so not exactly impossible to squeeze in a half hr coffee.

Doubt we’ll meet again.

THIS is exactly what I mean.

Just leaves you feeling super deflated. I had one like this in September, she said they were completely booked up until the new year.

When you find out what they're actually doing, they could easily ' fit you in ' before then, but they just don't want to. I invited her to my birthday party, two months in advance once, she already had plans then too. She invited me to her birthday party the day before once and I just went, as I was free that day.

I haven't bothered trying to make plans again since the ' next free in 4 months ' fiasco.

Although her DH told me DH I should reach out and try to plan a meet up with his wife.

No way. That's put me off massively. This is not a close friend though, but it still doesn't feel great. I would never treat someone like that. Even if they were not a close friend.

@Tulipblacksmith

I did have a friend like this who would book literally a visit 4 months in advance. I often ended up cancelling due to other plans with my family and then I felt bad. We are not friends anymore. If that makes me Inflexible I’m okay with that.

Sounds like for you, time with family is prioritised over time with friends and that your friend got the message. Which is fine, everyone is different. I don't think it's that you're inflexible though, you just feel okay with cancelling friends if something better comes along.

People are confusing major events and casual meet-ups.
If someone books a pint with me 3 months in advance.. and a concert/holiday comes up… I’m not going to let the latter go for something that can (in my view) easily be rescheduled.

Some people have restricted lives (single parents, disabled kids) etc etc fair enough but most people I find have a DP problem. He’s unwilling to look after kids on his own and needs soo much notice, forward planning etc etc.

I think the problem is your friends busyness rather than inflexibility OP. On the specific point of not wanting to commit a whole 4 day weekend in advance so you can go for drinks once, that's sensible, but there's much more to the general situation than that.

If they genuinely do have so much on that you have to book in a couple of months in advance for a drink, I can see why that would be annoying and a deal breaker, but you talking about being flexible is missing the point really. Lots of things inevitably do need to be agreed well in advance: certain holidays, big gatherings, life events such as weddings, christenings and the like. They'd have to significantly reduce what they were doing in order to have the space in the diary to go for a drink with you when you feel like being spontaneous. It isn't reasonable or realistic of you to expect that.

So I can see why you might decide the friendship isn't viable, but it's because of how busy they are, and fundamental incompatibility. The only thing I'd say is that because of the last two years, a lot of people are cramming a lot of stuff in right now and it might calm down a bit once the backlog of social occasions has been worked through. But if you don't think it has, maybe it's just not workable any more.

@nosyupnorth

Totally unhinged and self absorbed. People have stuff to do, perhaps another friend will want to make plans or they'll find tickets for an event or something. How can you expect them to just keep blocks of time free without booking anything in just in case you decide feel like hanging out with them/that's where the flow takes you?

My ex was a bit like this. He would wait until Saturday evening to decide which invitation to take up. For example one friend would invite him to go clubbing, another would ask if he fancied a gaming night, I'd be hoping we might go to the cinema or something (teens/early twenties). He wouldn't accept an invitation firmly, just say something like 'should be able to' and leave it. Then nobody knew if he was actually going to something or not, he got to feel in demand and had the luxury of choosing the most appealing event at the last minute.

So fucking rude and entitled. I'd never put up with that these days lol. I'm available until I have a plan and then the plan is the plan. If someone doesn't accept an invitation I assume they're not coming and make other plans.

@RoseLimeade

Yes I would say that was a fair analysis, hence why I haven’t got any friends.

I agree with those who say you’re just incompatible.

I’m quite a planner really but I probably wouldn’t want to book “a cup of tea” 3 months in advance, as an extreme example.

That said, sometimes you have to plan in advance in order to fit in with everyone.

What I don’t like is when people want to fix a date “to meet up” without deciding what we’re going to do - suggest the plan first!

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

I agree with those who say you’re just incompatible.

I’m quite a planner really but I probably wouldn’t want to book “a cup of tea” 3 months in advance, as an extreme example.

That said, sometimes you have to plan in advance in order to fit in with everyone.

What I don’t like is when people want to fix a date “to meet up” without deciding what we’re going to do - suggest the plan first!

I think a give and take would be good. That's all.

It just feels extremely one sided. I don't like having to do things only on other people's terms.

It’s got me thinking though about how me and my closest friend arrange get togethers. What I meant by “I don’t have friends” is, I can count my close friends on one hand.

Anyway we will just spontaneously text each other “you in?”….. if not that’s fine, vice versa! We never actually plan anything, I guess everyone’s different and it does come down to compatibility.

Yes I totally agree and also find it annoying and get kind of rebellious/claustrophobic if someone tries to make me commit to a drink in 8 weeks time. I seethe lol.

Different if it’s like a special group dinner party or something like that, but casual catch ups should be organised in the couple of weeks/week preceeding!!

Competitive busyness drives me insane.

I think some people like to think they have the monopoly on being busy and I find it pathetic.

I find the best laid plans rarely work out, I love spontaneity too.

Could you try to arrange things sooner with the organising friends - or are they genuinely busy and offering you the very first free time they have and have prioritised you over other offers for that time?

Another idea if you hate having to think about what you'd like to do before you do it - can you say "let's hold x date, then decide what we want to do the week before." So you aren't planning in advance so much, more you'll see your friend on x Saturday and then leave it until close to the event to decide on what.

Dh is like you with food. Until he is hungry he can't think about food. Its almost painful for him on my non-work days when he's WFH if I ask around lunchtime what he'd like for dinner, but theres no acknowledgement that if he say, fancies pulled pork, I need to set it cooking early afternoon to be ready for dinner. He rarely gets to decide what we are eating because of this, he never leaves enough time for anything more complex than a stir fry.

I have social anxiety so I like to plan things in advance so I can mentally prepare over those weeks/months. But clothes if I need to (also have sensory processing disorder so clothes aren't super easy) and book tables/hotels/parking. Plan drives, plan dog care, plan childcare. I can't stand when people say they'll let me know nearer the time, because I just keep planning and replanning so they can wait to see if something better comes along.

Some people just can't go with the flow.

@RoseLimeade your ex sounds like my ex!

Such a “see how we feel” merchant, but what he really meant was “see how I feel”. It’s very selfish and suggests his time is / wants are more important than everyone else’s.

People are free to say “I don’t like to plan in advance” but they can’t expect others to keep themselves free

@blablablau

I may decide that in July I want to go on holiday.

We just don't plan this stuff more than a month in advance- ever ( holidays included ). It's also our jobs that cause this, as they can be unpredictable in terms of when we can do stuff.

But surely what you need to do is cultivate friends with similar laissez fair attitude to meet ups.... 😁

I just think that if you contact someone at the last minute, they might be busy? I don't think it has anything to do with "give and take" or "my way or the highway".
Surely if you asked a friend whether they wanted to go out for a pint tonight they would say yes if they were free and wanted to go!
You seem to be taking the fact that people are not free at short notice to be a slight against you. On the other hand, you cannot see that someone could be offended that you don't want to plan a meet up in advance just in case you fancy staying in and doing nothing when it comes around to it...

Also your OP says “AIBU to give up on people who need 3 months notice” but you clearly don’t want to give up on them. You want to bend them to your way of doing things which isn’t reasonable.

I'm an 'on the day' type person. I work weird shifts and never know where I'm at. Can usually sort things for a wedding. But if anyone texts me that morning for a trip to the park I'm usually game. We see friends about 3/4 days a week that way and that's more than enough socialising for us. One of my friends is super type A and wants to plan everything in advance and we just laugh now because I'm never great at that but she knows I'm usually about for the school run and she ever finds herself with a slot she will give me a shout. Pretty sure it's undiagnosed ADHD in all honesty

@threecupsofteaminimum

Competitive busyness drives me insane.

I think some people like to think they have the monopoly on being busy and I find it pathetic.

I find the best laid plans rarely work out, I love spontaneity too.

This hot take always comes up on these threads lol

In general yes, but I think the Jubilee weekend is probably one of those things that should have come alongside the six you listed.

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

Also your OP says “AIBU to give up on people who need 3 months notice” but you clearly don’t want to give up on them. You want to bend them to your way of doing things which isn’t reasonable.

OH ok. So it always has to be on their terms then ?

@FlambeTomato

I just think that if you contact someone at the last minute, they might be busy? I don't think it has anything to do with "give and take" or "my way or the highway". Surely if you asked a friend whether they wanted to go out for a pint tonight they would say yes if they were free and wanted to go! You seem to be taking the fact that people are not free at short notice to be a slight against you. On the other hand, you cannot see that someone could be offended that you don't want to plan a meet up in advance just in case you fancy staying in and doing nothing when it comes around to it...

Eh, but I do plan in advance because that's what they want to do. Would be cool if occasionally there was some flexibility too. Not always having 2 of 3 months wait...

@Allsorts1

Yes I totally agree and also find it annoying and get kind of rebellious/claustrophobic if someone tries to make me commit to a drink in 8 weeks time. I seethe lol.

Different if it’s like a special group dinner party or something like that, but casual catch ups should be organised in the couple of weeks/week preceeding!!

Yeah that's how I feel too. Glad to hear some people do understand these feelings.