To just give up on people who need 3 months notice to meet up

[blablablau]

It's really frustrating me how inflexible people are, or maybe I'm the inflexible one ?

A friend reached out last week, asking to see each other on jubilee weekend.. I hate to make plans that far in advance. It really, really bothers me. I will not usually make plans that far in advance - unless it's:

1. A wedding
2. Hen do
3. A very special big birthday for someone important
4. A christening
5. A holiday
6. A weekend away ( perhaps )

If it's just going for a pint or going around someone's house for dinner, I usually like to arrange it - maximum a month before.

Aibu to think that trying to lock someone down 3-4 months before just a cup of tea or a pint, is absolutely ridiculous ? I know a few people like this and just can't help but get frustrated when they suggest this kind of stuff. My family is very spontaneous and it could well be that on jubilee weekend, I might want to catch a flight to visit my parents ( who live abroad ) for example. I usually don't decide that kind of stuff until 2 weeks before, sometimes even less time. Same for when my family come and visit me. Yet I may have an obligatory pint in my diary that someone booked me for 3 months before. I just find it really absolutely ridiculous.

I'm finding more and more people behave like this and I end it losing interest and not bothering much anymore.

Is everyone like this and I am the inflexible one ?

I have a busy social life and if someone asked me to meet up they might have to wait that long. I've got plans every weekend until the beginning of June.

We are not there yet. The kiddies are still small. So would take them with us.

I guess everyone is different. I always factored in child free meet ups with friends even when we had small children ( some of us still have small children!) and that sometimes means having to plan in advance.

I've just arranged for one of my closest friends to come and stay for the Jubilee weekend.

You don't see that arranging for someone to come and stay for a long weekend is different from arranging to meet for a coffee?

In OP's situation, she'd have either had to turn down your weekend invitation, because she's already arranged to meet someone else for coffee for an hour or two, or cancel the coffee.

I can't imagine having such a busy life that every weekend for the next three months is busy.

I have things I want to do, but don't need planning, and the only "must attend" coming up is our daughter's graduation in July. We hven't even booked a holiday yet

All your OP tells us is you're one of these people who won't commit to plans with friends just in case you have a better offer or decide you want to do something else.

It's not you're friends with the problem IMO or IME.

My mum has invited me for jubilee to her street party.

She has terminal cancer and we don't even know if she'll be with us then. I love the fact she's still making plans for weeks in advance

Blimey, you do sound very inflexible and under the opinion that all your friends should do as you do! Personally I’d prefer to meet someone and have a proper catch up, rather than be ‘slotted in’ on a Sunday, even if I had to plan a month or two in advance.

When my friends want to meet up, we have to resort to a Doodle in order to find a date we can all make!

Luckily I like my friends a lot and don’t mind whether we catch up with short notice or plan something months in advance. The main thing for me is I get to see them, not make them dance to my weirdly inflexible preferences on the optimum time to arrange a date!!

I get where you're coming from.

When I make plans months in advance, I find people tend to either forget or cancel nearer the time and it ends up a shambles as nobody turns up or nobody can make it any more so it has to be re arranged anyway.

Often last minute plans have a better turn out!

However life is busy, people have other commitments and often need time in advance to get childcare, swap a shift, or just find a free weekend so I don't think it's unreasonable to not plan things purely based on the timescale - unless it's for a special occasion like a wedding, hen do, birthday etc.

If you're not sure you'll feel like it nearer the time then agree to pencil it in and check in nearer the time to make sure it still suits! If you think you won't be arsed then just say no?

But you have already decided that you don't want to go out during the Jubilee weekend, you have said that you want to stay home and chill. So just tell people that 🤔

@Motnight

But you have already decided that you don't want to go out during the Jubilee weekend, you have said that you want to stay home and chill. So just tell people that 🤔

I said I might want to stay in and chill. I'm not though, for at least some of it, I will see my friend who asked to see me.

I posted on another thread about friendship to say that I have slightly given up on old friends, in favour of friends who are in the town that I live in and therefore 5 mins away. It's so much easier to be spontaneous. I hate committing my time so far in advance.

I guess everyone is different. I always factored in child free meet ups with friends even when we had small children ( some of us still have small children!) and that sometimes means having to plan in advance.

Me too, it's great if you have friends with kids of similar ages take them along and they'll all play together but when the other kids are vastly different ages it can be hard to entertain them while seeing friends.

@LouisRenault

I've just arranged for one of my closest friends to come and stay for the Jubilee weekend.

You don't see that arranging for someone to come and stay for a long weekend is different from arranging to meet for a coffee?

In OP's situation, she'd have either had to turn down your weekend invitation, because she's already arranged to meet someone else for coffee for an hour or two, or cancel the coffee.

I totally agree that some things need to be planned in advance and other things don't.

However, someone staying with me for a weekend would not stop me meeting someone else for an hour or two! My guest comes with me (or not if they prefer a couple of hours to themselves).

If they actually stick to that date without falking out beforehand then YABU. What do you actually need to be free for? (I see someone's mentioned 'poor health' but I think we can agree that's rather unsual.)

*flaking out

I agree, it's ridiculous. And then People cancel anyway

@RampantIvy

I can't imagine having such a busy life that every weekend for the next three months is busy.

I have things I want to do, but don't need planning, and the only "must attend" coming up is our daughter's graduation in July. We hven't even booked a holiday yet

I think often it does depend on if you and your friends work and if so what work you do

I work in a role that has no set days (we get rotas 6 weeks in advance and requests have to be in 2 weeks before that) and covered 24/7 - many of my friends do to

If two of us want to meet up then that can generally be organised without too much bother at short notice, when 4 or more of us want to meet up that generally has to be arranged 8 weeks in advance because you can guarantee that at least one is working every day

Throw in family commitments and it's even harder

I prefer to make plans well in advance mainly because of all the faff that comes with trying to find a time and day that works for everyone (especially if it's a larger group). It's such a pain in the arse trying to organise something for an upcoming weekend because inevitably half the group will have plans in place. It just feels like herding cats. I'd much rather organise something well in advance that doesn't require lots of boring chatter about what day and time works for each person. It saves time.

It's also quite nice having plans to look forward to.

Something that might be a good middle ground is planning a number of weekends a year that are 'spontaneous weekends' but with a set group/friend. That way there is still some spontaneity but you know you'll all be available.

I like to know and book things in advance and perhaps your friend is like that

If you don’t want to commit now then don’t, but don’t be surprised if she has booked something else, because that’s what i would do

You are as inflexible as them I think.

My friends and I all have kids - ranging from 14 years to 18 month, we've just arranged dinner on the 22nd, which 2 of us can't get childcare for so will bring kids along, the same group of friends have also just booked tickets for the races in July - for no reason other than a day out, that one is childfree and booked well in advance because we need to arrange travel and tickets.

Are you saying you'd not book the day out in case you'd rather do something else?

If we decided last minute to go on holiday, the rest of the friends would still go to the races - ask I'd take the loss on the tickets - that's friendship, not worrying about saying closer to the time 'oh we are going to go away now, anyone else want to go in my place?'

@Waxonwaxoff0

I have a busy social life and if someone asked me to meet up they might have to wait that long. I've got plans every weekend until the beginning of June.

This is me too. I have to plan things In advance and they almost never get cancelled.

@blablablau you'll hate that I've booked LaplandUk for November with a friend & a holiday for February 🙊

Say yes but that you can't confirm 100% until closer to the time.

@QforCucumber

You are as inflexible as them I think.

My friends and I all have kids - ranging from 14 years to 18 month, we've just arranged dinner on the 22nd, which 2 of us can't get childcare for so will bring kids along, the same group of friends have also just booked tickets for the races in July - for no reason other than a day out, that one is childfree and booked well in advance because we need to arrange travel and tickets.

Are you saying you'd not book the day out in case you'd rather do something else?

If we decided last minute to go on holiday, the rest of the friends would still go to the races - ask I'd take the loss on the tickets - that's friendship, not worrying about saying closer to the time 'oh we are going to go away now, anyone else want to go in my place?'

The difference is, I do make the effort to be available and go against what I actually like to do. So if they want to meet jubilee weekend or are now planning bank holiday weekend in august, I'll go along with it.

However if I ever suggest, hey can we meet Sunday in two weeks ? They're never available. That's why it's also annoying, I think. There's no give and take in it.

Yeah, I know what you mean. It’s very annoying. We had friends over this weekend and we text them on Friday, they were over Saturday. Ideal, that’s what I like. We have other mates where it’s a right palaver and it’s frankly annoying.

@Lifesonebigparty haha, good for you, if that suits you. If you were just friend and suggested booking Lapland in November together, I would probably book it to be fair ! But if you suggested coming around to yours for a cup of tea in November, that would annoy me.

I think this thread is more about flaky friends than booking in advance. I doubt anyone would disagree the former are bloody annoying.