To just give up on people who need 3 months notice to meet up

[blablablau]

It's really frustrating me how inflexible people are, or maybe I'm the inflexible one ?

A friend reached out last week, asking to see each other on jubilee weekend.. I hate to make plans that far in advance. It really, really bothers me. I will not usually make plans that far in advance - unless it's:

1. A wedding
2. Hen do
3. A very special big birthday for someone important
4. A christening
5. A holiday
6. A weekend away ( perhaps )

If it's just going for a pint or going around someone's house for dinner, I usually like to arrange it - maximum a month before.

Aibu to think that trying to lock someone down 3-4 months before just a cup of tea or a pint, is absolutely ridiculous ? I know a few people like this and just can't help but get frustrated when they suggest this kind of stuff. My family is very spontaneous and it could well be that on jubilee weekend, I might want to catch a flight to visit my parents ( who live abroad ) for example. I usually don't decide that kind of stuff until 2 weeks before, sometimes even less time. Same for when my family come and visit me. Yet I may have an obligatory pint in my diary that someone booked me for 3 months before. I just find it really absolutely ridiculous.

I'm finding more and more people behave like this and I end it losing interest and not bothering much anymore.

Is everyone like this and I am the inflexible one ?

They pin me down because they have so many plans...

I don't understand what that is a problem?

I'm also put off by reaching out and making plans with people like this. I know one friend who's awaiting for me to reach out and ' plan ' a meet up. It's just going to annoy me when I reach out and hear a potential July meet date. Like, who are you ? The queen

Again, why is that a problem. Some people have busy lives and like to plan in advance so that they ensure they get to see their friends. You're just being petty

[quote BiscuitLover3678]@blablablau so you’d rather have no friends and see nobody if you have to plan? You do realise how odd that is right?[/quote]
And if you really needed 3 months notice, to go for a coffee with me (unless you're literally not in the country or some other exceptional circumstance is going on ) then I wouldn't really think you'd want that coffee with me.

If someone only has space for me with a few months of advance notice, then I don't see them as a real friend, I see them as someone who wants to have a lot of options in life and is slotting me into that. Real friends are the ones you can just drop round and see, watch a movie have a giggle with or have dinner with (with or without the kids), or text and arrange to see at least that week. I've moved around a lot and my real friends have always been the ones I see at least once a week.

So basically you want to see if a better offer comes up? I had friends like that, don't see them anymore as i'm not waiting around for you to decide i'm worthy of your time.

Either you want to see you friends or not

@Peppapigforlife

If someone only has space for me with a few months of advance notice, then I don't see them as a real friend, I see them as someone who wants to have a lot of options in life and is slotting me into that. Real friends are the ones you can just drop round and see, watch a movie have a giggle with or have dinner with (with or without the kids), or text and arrange to see at least that week. I've moved around a lot and my real friends have always been the ones I see at least once a week.

Yup !

@Aimee1987

I do this but it's because I left my home town several years ago. When I book flights I'll say hey friends I'm home on x date who's free for drinks/ dinner / catch up. So for them it's just a drink but I wont be home again for months later so if I miss one it could be ages before I see them again.

Yes, I do this when I go 'home', but not when I'm in my local area. That's because I'm free all the time though. Lots of my friends go away often so sometimes it is necessary to plan ahead.

@blablablau Meh, not really. I just don't like living my life in such a regimented way and agreeing how I'm going to feel about something so minor, three months prior or whatever it may be

You've hit the nail on the head here.
You perceive the importance of meeting up with that friend as something minor.
They perceive meeting up with their friends as important, so they plan in advance.
They clearly think more of you, thank you do of them.

@Lazypuppy

So basically you want to see if a better offer comes up? I had friends like that, don't see them anymore as i'm not waiting around for you to decide i'm worthy of your time.

Either you want to see you friends or not

But I suppose a whole bank holiday weekend is booked up for one evening of drinks. I can see the problem.

I work weekends and most people I know don't. If you don't book in advance you don't see me. End of.

Are you willing to give up on your friends simply because some of them want to plan in advance?

It's a personal preference, neither is right or wrong.

Your friend who reached out about the jubilee weekend did what she thought best; you responded according to how you feel.

Either your existing friendships will limp along and gradually fade or you'll make new "spontaneous" friends who won't make you feel disgruntled.

You don’t need to see someone regularly to be a “real friend”

I have friends I go months without seeing because we all have chaotic lives like many adults. But I know they are always at the end of the phone and are there through the good and bad, we see each other as often as we can.

I don’t think living in each other’s pockets is necessarily a sign a friendship is amazing you can see people every day yet still have a superficial relationship with them

Well obviously it's up to you how you respond, and maybe it is too difficult for you to make plans with some like this, but I think you are being a bit unreasonable.

I thought you were complaining about people who you make the effort try to meet up with, but they can never arrange anything (not even cup of coffee) unless given at least three months notice. I would probably give up on someone like this if they were local and there were not special circumstances, as it suggests they are not that interested.

But this is different. I think it is nice if people get in touch and try to arrange things well in advance. Provided they are reliable - it would be very annoying if they they dropped out at the last minute. I think if they are just suggesting something very low key and you feel you need to keep some weekends free for family etc then it would be acceptable to say that it's a lovely idea but you're not sure about family plans, and would it be OK if you got back to them in X weeks. Have you tried that?

Jublilee bank holiday weekend is the kind of date people will be thinking about in advance and making plans. We've already got things arranged. It's not unreasonable of you to not want to commit to a quick catch up when you might still want to make other plans, but it's not unreasonable of this friend to ask either. I'm always happy to get an invite!

Personally I like to have a balance. I like to have some things planned well in advance to look forward to, and to know I won't be at a loose end. Plus some activities/meet-ups would just never happen without planning. But I don't like to over-schedule either. I like to keep some time free, and it's always lovely to be able to accept a last minute suggestion from a friend, or take advantage of unexpected sunshine.

"They perceive meeting up with their friends as important, so they plan in advance.
They clearly think more of you, thank you do of them."

They don't want to see her for months so not really!

I don’t tend to make plans way in advance, unless meeting a bigger group or a proper event.
But going for a walk /coffee/pub with local friends, it’s no longer necessary - I’m not out 7 nights a week & nor are any of my similarly aged friends, DC activities are easy enough to work around.

And... I’d much rather a friend accepted a more exciting invitation (tickets to a great event, whatever) rather than felt obliged to stick with a planned weekly walk or something. I’d not be offended if someone phoned me and said “you know we were meant to be going for coffee on Saturday in 2 months? Well, my cousin has just invited me to her wedding that day, so can we rearrange?”. I mean, surely that’s perfectly normal thing to do?

So basically you want to see if a better offer comes up?

This is being said like it’s a bad thing, but, yes, I would prioritise some social events over others. That’s why you get the biggies like weddings and overnight events sorted out first. That’s why if I’m visiting someone’s town for work or something I let them know ASAP because it’s not something that happens often so it’s a bit special and it would be a shame to lose the opportunity to see them.

If everything is in the diary with months of lead time regardless of how ‘big’ it is, you can’t plan around the rarer or one-off events at all.

Someone asks if you fancy going to the theatre with them in a month’s time? Not possible as you arranged six weeks ago to go to the local with your neighbours for a few drinks.

Sorry, but some socialising is of a type which should slot more easily around the stuff that really needs to be scheduled. If it can’t be, I tend to think me and the scheduler either aren’t that close or that compatible.

@Gwenhwyfar

"They perceive meeting up with their friends as important, so they plan in advance. They clearly think more of you, thank you do of them."

They don't want to see her for months so not really!

I perceive making someone wait 3 months for a coffee as not really being a friend and being of no priority at all.

Unless there are special circumstances.

If a friend messaged me today, asking to meet up on Sunday- even though I have plans on Sunday, I would try to fit them in, as much as I could. And if I really can't, then I would suggest a reasonably close date in the future. Again, if that's not possible, I would apologise and explain why and give my next available date. ( say if I were going on holiday ). I would not suggest a date three months from now and expect that person to feel very good about it.

@blablablau I have a child and a busy life 🤷🏻‍♀️ And need to organise childcare. I would be trying to fit you in but fair enough. It’s a shame but everyone is different.

YABU

I've just arranged for one of my closest friends to come and stay for the Jubilee weekend. It's the first weekend we can both do. She is on various work trips, I have a volunteering commitment one w/e a month, plus we need to go and see my elderly MIL who lives 5 hours away and so that takes up a whole w/e.

Lots of people have very busy lives.

If someone only has space for me with a few months of advance notice, then I don't see them as a real friend, I see them as someone who wants to have a lot of options in life and is slotting me into that. Real friends are the ones you can just drop round and see, watch a movie have a giggle with or have dinner with (with or without the kids), or text and arrange to see at least that week. I've moved around a lot and my real friends have always been the ones I see at least once a week.

I don't agree at all.
I have friends who live locally who I meet every week but we will still plan things months in advance as we're all so busy.
I also have friends who don't live locally so we meet half way which requires more planning so we're likely to have things book at least a couple of months in advance and we prioritise these meetings. It's not about having lots of options , it's about making sure I make time to see people who are important to me.
Most people I know are a combination of planners but will still do things spontaneously if they can.

[quote BiscuitLover3678]@blablablau I have a child and a busy life 🤷🏻‍♀️ And need to organise childcare. I would be trying to fit you in but fair enough. It’s a shame but everyone is different.[/quote]
I have two kids and would just bring them along 🤷‍♀️

I agree with you, OP.

I have two kids and would just bring them along
To everything? What if your friends wanted a night out or to do something that's not child friendly? Sometimes those things are worth the wait!

I have two kids and would just bring them along

That's probably why she gives you 8 weeks notice - so you have time to arrange childcare

@brookstar

I have two kids and would just bring them along To everything? What if your friends wanted a night out or to do something that's not child friendly? Sometimes those things are worth the wait!

We are not there yet. The kiddies are still small. So would take them with us.