To just give up on people who need 3 months notice to meet up

[blablablau]

It's really frustrating me how inflexible people are, or maybe I'm the inflexible one ?

A friend reached out last week, asking to see each other on jubilee weekend.. I hate to make plans that far in advance. It really, really bothers me. I will not usually make plans that far in advance - unless it's:

1. A wedding
2. Hen do
3. A very special big birthday for someone important
4. A christening
5. A holiday
6. A weekend away ( perhaps )

If it's just going for a pint or going around someone's house for dinner, I usually like to arrange it - maximum a month before.

Aibu to think that trying to lock someone down 3-4 months before just a cup of tea or a pint, is absolutely ridiculous ? I know a few people like this and just can't help but get frustrated when they suggest this kind of stuff. My family is very spontaneous and it could well be that on jubilee weekend, I might want to catch a flight to visit my parents ( who live abroad ) for example. I usually don't decide that kind of stuff until 2 weeks before, sometimes even less time. Same for when my family come and visit me. Yet I may have an obligatory pint in my diary that someone booked me for 3 months before. I just find it really absolutely ridiculous.

I'm finding more and more people behave like this and I end it losing interest and not bothering much anymore.

Is everyone like this and I am the inflexible one ?

I can do an odd night with little notice but a day out takes planning.
And sometimes it's those without kids who have the largest social circles who are trying to catch up with multiple groups are the hardest to pin down.

"I may decide in July that I want to go on holiday"

Why is this different to waiting for a better offer?

I think you're going round in circles to justify not wanting to make plans because something else might come up.

@Heracles1000

"I may decide in July that I want to go on holiday"

Why is this different to waiting for a better offer?

I think it'a much more complex than a better offer though.

Maybe something will have happened with my work / my husbands work and that will then be the only time we can go. And now I can't go because you want to spend one hour at costas with me ? Don't put me in that position. I don't like cancelling on people.

In fairness no matter what is said here you are not going to change the way you feel.
I’m a planner, I need things in the diary because if it’s not something else will come up and fill that slot. The occasional spontaneous ‘anyone fancy doing X?’ does come up and if I’m free sure, if I’m the one asking I’m not offended of no one can make it either.

You seem overly annoyed about something you can easily say no to, just don’t be upset if when you suggest something with short notice people aren’t always available.

I'm a planner, I hate not having things in the diary. Admittedly 3 months for just a drink is quite extreme, but I do the theatre/ gigs/meals out/ countryside hikes. I find people like you are "keep my options open to see if a better option comes up".

I had a couple of friends who just wouldn't commit and I no longer really see them as I find their inability to commit to an arrangement flaky and irritating.

I think it sounds like most people are planners.

I’m a bit surprised at the reception you’re getting on here. Things where large numbers of people are attending, or it’s a special date or there is some tricky logistical aspect - yes, months in advance is reasonable. I’d not like arranging more casual things like a trip to the pub so far in advance, though. You’ve not thought that far ahead, it comes along and you’re now blocked from e.g. seeing a friend who visits your city once in a blue moon because you’re booked in for coffee. I don’t cancel on people either, but there is no doubt in my mind that one is the kind of activity that could and should be more casually arranged as and when.

For this particular scenario, I’d be honest and say that you haven’t decided yet whether you’ll be around that weekend so you’ll let them know closer to the time. Perfectly reasonable that you might want to do something ‘special’ with a long weekend but haven’t decided yet imo.

Just as an aside, if I was meeting you at 12 for a coffee, what time would you arrive?

This was us when we lived in London. Usually booked 4-6 weeks ahead, every Saturday 🙄 (Sunday's were my absolute stay at home, book nothing days!)

One friend hated it and always would say stuff about our busy lifestyle and not too worry, she'd try again another weekend.

After 6 months she realised she'd have seen us numerous times if she was just ok with some forward planning.

You're either going to have to pencil it in, check in closer, or go on the waitlist OP 🙂

@Mullercornershop

Just as an aside, if I was meeting you at 12 for a coffee, what time would you arrive?

Oh please come on. Now you're just suggesting I am an inconsiderate person who just doesn't care about people.

Quite the opposite. I can be relied upon when everyone else already has all their important plans.

@BootsScootsAndToots

This was us when we lived in London. Usually booked 4-6 weeks ahead, every Saturday 🙄 (Sunday's were my absolute stay at home, book nothing days!)

One friend hated it and always would say stuff about our busy lifestyle and not too worry, she'd try again another weekend.

After 6 months she realised she'd have seen us numerous times if she was just ok with some forward planning.

You're either going to have to pencil it in, check in closer, or go on the waitlist OP 🙂

Nah, I'm not going on anyone's wait list. Not my style.

No. They're not. Most people are both.

I'm a planner. But I'm also spontaneous. If someone wants a chat and a coffee I can be there in 5.

I'd correct that to most people on Mumsnet are planners.

I know there are people on here who don't have children but I'd guess those who do have children are in the majority. I used to be pretty spontaneous but children (more specifically arranging childcare) make it much more difficult, so planning is usually the best way for parents.

I know there are some parents who don't plan but I genuinely have no idea how they manage it. In my experience of two "go with the flow" couples with children they regularly double book for parties/gatherings etc. Whatever works for them I suppose, but they certainly renowned by the rest of the parent group we find ourselves in as being flakey!

But close food friends that want to see you - won’t do this

Whereas with friends I’m not too bothered about, I am happy to suggest a date 2/3 months in advance. Nice to see them. Not especially bothered if I don’t,

Quite the opposite. I assumed you’d be a stickler for punctuality.

@Keepup8113

But close food friends that want to see you - won’t do this

Whereas with friends I’m not too bothered about, I am happy to suggest a date 2/3 months in advance. Nice to see them. Not especially bothered if I don’t,

I'm with you there. Which is why I don't bother with some of these people.

When you really dig into it most "spontaneous" people actually mean they prefer to retain the choice to take up better offers/do what suits them better on the day.

It's an unconscious tendency to believe your time is more valuable than others and therefore that you shouldnt have to commit it until the last minute when you are sure a particular plan is the one you like best.

@OfstedOffred

When you really dig into it most "spontaneous" people actually mean they prefer to retain the choice to take up better offers/do what suits them better on the day.

It's an unconscious tendency to believe your time is more valuable than others and therefore that you shouldnt have to commit it until the last minute when you are sure a particular plan is the one you like best.

Completely not true in my humble opinion.

Err you’re sounding like a bit of an arse op. If you have lots of different friends wanting to meet up then there are going to be limits as to what you can do. There are only 4/5 weekends a month. if you want to be all picky and wait for someone to have their whole weekend empty so you can just slot in, then fine. But you might realise that you are not everyone else’s number 1 priority.

@BiscuitLover3678

Err you’re sounding like a bit of an arse op. If you have lots of different friends wanting to meet up then there are going to be limits as to what you can do. There are only 4/5 weekends a month. if you want to be all picky and wait for someone to have their whole weekend empty so you can just slot in, then fine. But you might realise that you are not everyone else’s number 1 priority.

And they're also not mine..

Like seriously, am I supposed to keep months of weekends free ‘just in case’ that friend wants to catch up and miss out on seeing my different family members, things for my son, going abroad at all, uni friends, school friends, having time for myself etc. life is hectic!!

@blablablau so you’d rather have no friends and see nobody if you have to plan? You do realise how odd that is right?

If you are my friend then YES please give up! I have enough people in my life lol.

[quote BiscuitLover3678]@blablablau so you’d rather have no friends and see nobody if you have to plan? You do realise how odd that is right?[/quote]
No not at all. But I prioritise people who have my style and are available at shorter notice, like me. It just works better.