To feel jealous and irrationally annoyed by this woman's life?

[WalkingAcrossAFord]

Name change for this, as I don't want it linking to my other posts.

I met this woman (my neighbour,) 3 years ago when DH and I moved into this village. DH and I have been to the pub a few times with her and her DH, and she attends 2 of the same village groups as me. She is 2 years younger than me (I'm 52, she is 50,) and she is very proud of the fact that she doesn't work, and never intends to again.

She says she 'retired' at 46 after 30 years of working and has 'paid her dues.' She said it's wonderful to not have to work, and to never have to work again.

She lives in social housing (nice cottage too, on the edge of the village overlooking fields,) and her DH works part time - 4 days a week in a supermarket, and I just can't fathom how she does is/how they do it. They have a 5 year old car, and a 25 y.o. DD who is getting married in September, and they're giving them £5000 towards the wedding. They have also just booked a holiday to Greece for June!

I've said a few times 'you must be good with money, and very good at saving,' and even once said 'how do you do it, do you cope OK with one wage?' She just smiled and said 'we do all right. I have got my own income thanks.' What income would someone get in their late 40s? Can't be a pension!

I am actually annoyed at myself for feeling this way. I have another 15 years to work in a job I absolutely loathe. DH and myself don't have a pot to piss in, we have a car that's 20 years old that's held together with sellotape, and our mortgage makes up 45% of our joint salary(s.) DH and I work 45-50 hours a week some weeks, and never get any surplus income because there is always something to pay for, and ALWAYS something going wrong with our bloody house.

We have mutual friends in our 2 groups, and she is the only one who 'retired' at 45! I have spoken to a couple of women in the group about this, and they said it's nobody's business but hers. I know they're right, but I can't get rid of this deep resentment I have for her. She has the best life; finished work in her mid 40s, potters around their huge garden, goes for walks and bike rides, meets up with friends and family/her DD once a week, draws and paints and writes, sunbathes all day (some days) on the lawn in the summer, and sometimes lies in til 10am! I have been at work for 2 hours at that point!

AIBU to feel irrationally annoyed by this woman? She seems to have a blessed life, and I don't know how she does it. It CAN'T be an inheritance or big lottery win, otherwise they wouldn't be in social housing would they?

I think though, @SoyaChai, it's the fact that the OP appears to have asked her friend, got a non-committal answer and then said 'We have mutual friends in our 2 groups, and she is the only one who 'retired' at 45! I have spoken to a couple of women in the group about this, and they said it's nobody's business but hers.' It seems to come across like she must know at all costs. And she doesn't need to. It's none of her business.

I don’t think the Op is rude by asking. She has said the woman is happy to let everyone know she’s given up work and paid her dues. She has openly said it’s wonderful not to work or work again.

If one of my friends gave up working job at the age of 46 I’d ask how they would survive on one wage too

They are happy to tell people he works in a supermarket so why the big mystery.

If she was working for the local authority they may have run a voluntary early exit scheme. The package will have included a lump sum and pension (reduced for the number of years early she left) based on her 30 years service.

@SoyaChai

I don't think people asking how you will manage retiring in your 40s are rude. Perfectly valid question and the type of question would be fine to ask friends usually.

The OP isn’t her friend. She’s a neighbour who socialises in the same place.

Also the OP has asked more than once. When someone gives you an answer you shouldn’t ask again because it’s bloody rude, even if you don’t like the non detailed answer.

Not read whole thread but sorry I think you are super nosy and bordering on creepy. Leave her alone.

If one of my friends gave up working job at the age of 46 I’d ask how they would survive on one wage too

And if I were that friend I’d tell you to mind your own business.

I know a woman who retired at 45 and is very vague about why with new and nosy people, completely understandably. she suffered terribly from bullying at work, became very unwell and took them to a tribunal. She got a cash payout, signed an NDA.

She lives a lovely quiet life and doesn't give a rats about buying status performance things, preferring peace and privacy.

Shame on you OP! your nosiness and jealousy are very unreasonable.

My lovely, late DM hated two things.

Liars and Jealousy.

We three DD's were brought up from the get go to never lie and envy others. It's a VERY ugly and pointless trait.

As Mum used to say "Never envy anyone as they haven't got that little bit that you have got and no one knows what goes on behind closed doors".

I actually feel sorry for you OP, it must be a horrible feeling.

I was medically retired before 45 but had spent my whole career working in local government which had an incredibly generous pension scheme. When I retired my final salary, on which my pension was calculated was excellent, so my pension is a lot more than the average wage.

My dick of a next door neighbour is always making comments about how can "people on benefits" afford to live in a nice area and take three week holidays abroad. He thinks because I don't work I have to be on benefits and like you, he's judgemental and outright rude about my finances.

How anyone finances their life is no one's business but their own and I actually find it sad that people like you and my neighbour devote so much time and thought to my life instead of getting on with their own, envy and bitterness must be horrible to live with.

@RevealAll

I don’t think the Op is rude by asking. She has said the woman is happy to let everyone know she’s given up work and paid her dues. She has openly said it’s wonderful not to work or work again.

If one of my friends gave up working job at the age of 46 I’d ask how they would survive on one wage too

They are happy to tell people he works in a supermarket so why the big mystery.

Becayse they aren’t friends. And because you don’t keep asking after the first time. Then start asking mutual acquaintances. Then start a thread on line asking how she’s got her money. The op is not entitled to know her private business.

My late husband's retirement at 50 was on ill health grounds. No-one who didn't know him well would have had reason to think there was anything wrong with him. But no-one would have wanted to swap places with him had they known the reason. If you'd pried into his life I'd have been livid, and I hope his friends would have told you to fuck off.

Jealousy is a normal human emotion. As long as you don’t allow it to affect your behaviour towards the object of your jealousy allow yourself to feel it and work through it.
Try and focus on your own life and making changes that enhance its quality which is much more productive than expending energy and headspace on this woman’s set up.

@MrsWinters

I’d be annoyed that sock housing is supposed to be for those in need and is a limited supply and this woman chooses not to work whilst taking a valuable national resource. She hasn’t paid her dues-she’s a CF taking from society when she doesn’t NEED it

How do you know this though? Without knowing her medical history etc? My friend gets benefits and social housing. Had a brain tumour 15 years ago. You would never know to look at her ie if you were a nosey neigbour just seeing her pottering about the garden twitching your nets, but shes still on a lot of medication and sleeps a lot its really affected her fine motor skills too. I suppose you've disclosed all your medical and financial business to your neighbours have you?

Why isn’t need for social housing for under 65s reevaluated every 24-36 months? This way, those whose circumstances have significantly improved could be asked to leave within 120-180 days, freeing up places for those in genuine need. Social housing is not a right; it’s a form of social welfare.

@Octomore

I think this all stems from the fact that you have an expectation of being superior to the social housing tenants, and that expectation has been thwarted. If she was living in a privately owned mansion, you wouldn't be questioning it, you'd just assume she was lucky to have inherited or something.

It's the fact that she should be inferior to you and have a worse life than you (in your eyes), but somehow she has managed to have a better life than you, that is grating on you.

In other words, you're being a snob.

This.

Lol at the woman being a high class call girl. Are call girls usually 50 years old?

And if I were that friend I’d tell you to mind your own business.

This is just bizarre to me. This is something that wouldn't be considered rude in my friend group, the "mind your own business" answer would be considered more rude than simply asking

Although, yeah, they aren't really friends, just neighbours, although it sounds as if this woman enjoys gloating about it and making people wonder.

As for what income....inheritance, pension from retirement on ill-health grounds, lottery win...

These would be obvious answers - it's also possible she runs a p/t bussiness she doesn't want to talk to OP about -buying/selling, writing, painting something OP can't see her do but she can do to her own timetable.

We have mutual friends in our 2 groups, and she is the only one who 'retired' at 45! I have spoken to a couple of women in the group about this, and they said it's nobody's business but hers. I know they're right
You've asked her asked her friends and now started a thread on MN about it all - seems very OTT. Hoenstly I wonder if she winding you up with some of her comments.

I suspect though this yet another dig at social housing and HA housing. We did private rental for years and it is shit and it should have more protection for both renters and landlords - but I'm still glad HA exists as it helped my siblings get out of dangerous situations and gives them some stability - it's not the free ride some make out on here but it's better and more secure than private renting and IMO should be expanded.

This is life. Get over yourself.

It's a VERY ugly and pointless trait.

True, but it's also a natural feeling. You've really never felt jealous? Never thought "oh wow, I wish I could afford a dress like that" or thought "this house is miles better than mine, I wish mine could look like this". Because that's jealously too, just not in the same league as OPs.

Once your mortgage is paid off she will be still paying rent I guess

@thisplaceisweird

I'm not going to be kind, I think you're a nosy jealous cow. Back off and leave the woman alone!

It's not her fault you're miserable, why don't you spend your energy trying to make your own life better?

This. Absolutely this. Well said.

@Ericaequites its not social welfare its paid by the tenant bot you the taxpayer, you obviously have no idea about socia housing and how it works and why we have it do you

Why not take steps to improve your own circumstances instead of inviting the green eyed monster into your life?

Debt counseling might be an option for you. Apologies if you're already doing some sort of programme.