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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel jealous and irrationally annoyed by this woman's life?

436 replies

WalkingAcrossAFord · 11/04/2022 10:29

Name change for this, as I don't want it linking to my other posts.

I met this woman (my neighbour,) 3 years ago when DH and I moved into this village. DH and I have been to the pub a few times with her and her DH, and she attends 2 of the same village groups as me. She is 2 years younger than me (I'm 52, she is 50,) and she is very proud of the fact that she doesn't work, and never intends to again.

She says she 'retired' at 46 after 30 years of working and has 'paid her dues.' She said it's wonderful to not have to work, and to never have to work again.

She lives in social housing (nice cottage too, on the edge of the village overlooking fields,) and her DH works part time - 4 days a week in a supermarket, and I just can't fathom how she does is/how they do it. They have a 5 year old car, and a 25 y.o. DD who is getting married in September, and they're giving them £5000 towards the wedding. They have also just booked a holiday to Greece for June!

I've said a few times 'you must be good with money, and very good at saving,' and even once said 'how do you do it, do you cope OK with one wage?' She just smiled and said 'we do all right. I have got my own income thanks.' What income would someone get in their late 40s? Confused Can't be a pension!

I am actually annoyed at myself for feeling this way. I have another 15 years to work in a job I absolutely loathe. DH and myself don't have a pot to piss in, we have a car that's 20 years old that's held together with sellotape, and our mortgage makes up 45% of our joint salary(s.) DH and I work 45-50 hours a week some weeks, and never get any surplus income because there is always something to pay for, and ALWAYS something going wrong with our bloody house.

We have mutual friends in our 2 groups, and she is the only one who 'retired' at 45! I have spoken to a couple of women in the group about this, and they said it's nobody's business but hers. I know they're right, but I can't get rid of this deep resentment I have for her. She has the best life; finished work in her mid 40s, potters around their huge garden, goes for walks and bike rides, meets up with friends and family/her DD once a week, draws and paints and writes, sunbathes all day (some days) on the lawn in the summer, and sometimes lies in til 10am! I have been at work for 2 hours at that point!

AIBU to feel irrationally annoyed by this woman? She seems to have a blessed life, and I don't know how she does it. It CAN'T be an inheritance or big lottery win, otherwise they wouldn't be in social housing would they?

OP posts:
CoralPaperweight · 11/04/2022 16:10

It's interesting the number of people on this thread who have been retired or know someone who has retired on 'ill-health' grounds. IME this is extremely rare these days even in the public sector. Having known colleagues who have had brain tumours and significant chronic illnesses, the default position is to make adjustments/ offer another type of role rather than retirement.

Babyroobs · 11/04/2022 16:10

@Ericaequites

Why isn’t need for social housing for under 65s reevaluated every 24-36 months? This way, those whose circumstances have significantly improved could be asked to leave within 120-180 days, freeing up places for those in genuine need. Social housing is not a right; it’s a form of social welfare.
Yes totally agree with this.
Ricksteinsfishwife · 11/04/2022 16:12

@SoyaChai

It's a VERY ugly and pointless trait.

True, but it's also a natural feeling. You've really never felt jealous? Never thought "oh wow, I wish I could afford a dress like that" or thought "this house is miles better than mine, I wish mine could look like this". Because that's jealously too, just not in the same league as OPs.

I’ve felt jealous but never like the op no, I’ve never felt resentful, bitter, or obsessed about someone like this. I think trying to normalise it does rhe op no favours. As humans we have many negative emotions, anger, bitterness, vengeful, desire to be cruel, , desire for violence. It’s on us to control it, to understand it’s unacceptable and to manage accordingly. Not to feed it.
IncompleteSenten · 11/04/2022 16:13

If she's on the old social housing tenancy then she could indeed win the lottery or receive a massive inheritance and not be asked to leave.

I think either some new tenancies are income dependant or at least that was suggested, not quite sure.

You should stop talking to other people about it. They are telling you to mind your own business and they will form a very negative opinion of you if you're not careful.

For whatever reason, she has more money than you. Lots of people do. And lots have less. Focus on your own life.

AngelicaElizaAndPeggy · 11/04/2022 16:13

She's clearly one of these things:

  1. in the pay of the Peaky Blinders
  2. a secret oligarch
  3. shit hot at trading Forex in her guest bedroom at night.
catmothertes1 · 11/04/2022 16:14

@chipsandpeas

maybe they have won/inherited enough to stop/reduce working but not enough to buy somewhere

tbh its really none of your business

Exactly what I thought.
In any case,it sounds as if the woman and her family are not splashing the cash around,they are just living a quiet life and it's really none of the OP's business.
Laburnam · 11/04/2022 16:16

She's a neighbour is it really that important??

Cornettoninja · 11/04/2022 16:20

@Ericaequites

Why isn’t need for social housing for under 65s reevaluated every 24-36 months? This way, those whose circumstances have significantly improved could be asked to leave within 120-180 days, freeing up places for those in genuine need. Social housing is not a right; it’s a form of social welfare.
I suspect that for the majority whose circumstances improve it’s not in a particularly significant way given the cost of housing, cost of living vs wages.

I would guess that removal of social housing would plunge a lot of people back into poverty and debt.

I don’t think the answer is to put up more barriers to social housing, I think we need more of it. We live in an aspirational consumerist society, I actually think a lot of people would use it as a stepping stone to secure private housing arrangements.

Runningupthecurtains · 11/04/2022 16:22

@CoralPaperweight

It's interesting the number of people on this thread who have been retired or know someone who has retired on 'ill-health' grounds. IME this is extremely rare these days even in the public sector. Having known colleagues who have had brain tumours and significant chronic illnesses, the default position is to make adjustments/ offer another type of role rather than retirement.
In the case of neighbour my understanding (and I could be mistaken/misremembering) is that either it was a condition of the critical illness payment or the fact that the payout had cleared their mortgage meant she didn't have to work anymore and the necessary adjustments would have been significant (despite that fact you would have no idea from seeing her in the street, meeting her at the WI etc). So as they were financially OK (but not in any way wealthy) with the payment she doesn't work because they wouldn't have been OK 20 years ago when she couldn't work and the kids were school age without that money.
DoorWasAJar · 11/04/2022 16:23

She does dominatrix online/webcams 😃

Spinachtastegud · 11/04/2022 16:23

Ericaequitas you are right imo....

DoorWasAJar · 11/04/2022 16:24

Sorry to lower the tone!

Ricksteinsfishwife · 11/04/2022 16:24

@CoralPaperweight

It's interesting the number of people on this thread who have been retired or know someone who has retired on 'ill-health' grounds. IME this is extremely rare these days even in the public sector. Having known colleagues who have had brain tumours and significant chronic illnesses, the default position is to make adjustments/ offer another type of role rather than retirement.
I genuinely do know three people where this has happened. First person it is cancer. To look at her you wouldn’t know, and she’s not lost her hair through treatment, but did become very slim. but she cannot work as sometimes she is just too Ill to do so. She gets disability payments. She was late forties when diagnosed.

The second woman had an injury at work. It doesn’t impact her day to day life, but due to the severity of the incident at the time, she had several operations due to it, and the subsequent claim, she is now on full pension, she was in public service, and has been on full pension since late thirties. Only her close friends know. Again you’d not know to look at her. Only if she showed you the scars would you know or if she tried to do certain things, which you wouldn’t actually see her try as she can’t do them.

The third has rheumatoid arthritis. She is heavily medicated and is often in a lot of pain, and some of the treatments are horrible, incl injections into her hands to stop her fingers curling. Again you’d not know. You can see her in the garden or walking the dog occasionally, she behaves very normally and is very social. What you don’t see is when she can’t get out of bed. When her ankles and fingers don’t work. She also receives disability payments.

dottydodah · 11/04/2022 16:26

WalkingAcrossAFord I see where youre coming from OP I really do.Some people always seem to be able to land on their feet .I think she is being goady and boastful, to crow about her good fortune when you are working long hours in a job you dont really enjoy.Unless she is ill or at a disadvantage (escaping DV or having MH issues) then she should be moved on .I absolutely loathe David Cameron ,but he suggested when in office that people on 60k should not be allowed a Council house .Thing is its stopping people who are on a low wage,with young families /disabilities from accessing them .Our friend who is ill with a long term disabling illness, is waiting for a council house and is being stopped by people like this

SoyaChai · 11/04/2022 16:28

As humans we have many negative emotions, anger, bitterness, vengeful, desire to be cruel, , desire for violence. It’s on us to control it, to understand it’s unacceptable and to manage accordingly. Not to feed it.

I can understand the jealously thing, but I don't think all those traits you listed are unacceptable tbh.

oakleaffy · 11/04/2022 16:28

Weed farm ?

RaspberryChouxBuns · 11/04/2022 16:29

Private pension, savings, housing benefit, lower rent due to social housing, part time salary topped up by UC, inheritance, investments and only fans is what she told me.

maddy68 · 11/04/2022 16:31

I honestly vdint think I've ever been jealous of anyone

Why would you be? Everyone has dramas and things going on you don't know about

Life's too short to be working in something you don't like. Perhaps she suffered a breakdown or something. You have no idea what her "perfect" life entails.

I find it all rather odd to resent someones happiness

TheKeatingFive · 11/04/2022 16:37

It's probably an inheritance OP. Or perhaps some canny investments.

It's not your business though and it's not healthy to give it this much headspace.

Lwren · 11/04/2022 16:38

Okay, if she lost everything and ended up living on the streets would your life improve? No.
Pissing on her lawn won't make yours any greener.

I'm a sahm with a nice house, amazing friends and family, I'm youngish, my DP drives a car, old shed but a car, were happy in many ways.

Then I see kids without special needs and wish like anything my SEN children didn't have life so fucking hard.
Everything for them is a battle and no matter what I do, it always will be.

Just because I'm happy with what I do have, doesn't mean I'd not trade the last breath in my body and every last brick of my home to give my kids the same understanding other kids have.

Please just wish well on others, jealousy changes nothing. Be happy for her, maybe her life is charmed, maybe she was awarded millions for a devastating atrocities that happened to her.
Either way, not your business.

worriedatthistime · 11/04/2022 16:46

@Babyroobs why do you agree are you jealous of people in social housing, many who pay significant rent and but the house several times over
Why would people better themselves of they then would get evicted with 3 months notice and have to find several hundred more pounds a month and then go into unpredictable housing if they can even get rented
No what you should be advocating is more social housing , not knocking people for bettering themselves , its not a race to the bottom
Lifetime tenancies were for security as well , to give children and families a stable long term home

worriedatthistime · 11/04/2022 16:48

The snottiness and misunderstanding of social housing on mumsnet is unbelievable , please read up a little before posting things on why we have social housinbg , why we should have more and that it doesn't cost you , actually could save if rent is being paid by benefits as to a more expensive private house rent being paid

FairyPolkadot · 11/04/2022 16:54

Nobody has a perfect life.

I have a friend who now describes herself as retired. Truth is, she’s had to stop working because she’s very sick.

A mortgage means that in time you’ll own your own home and can leave it to your loved ones when you die. Social housing goes back to the housing association or landlord.

Somebody once told me that I was lucky to own my own home. That is the case because people I loved died young. It’s not luck. Envy is a skewed perception of someone else’s reality.

andshesoff · 11/04/2022 17:09

So this woman just lives in social housing and OP is jealous of her? Hardly living the high life in a multi-million mansion is she? What a weird thing to be jealous of.

2bazookas · 11/04/2022 17:12

What income would someone get in their late 40s? confused Can't be a pension!^

Military services, police, fire services.

Officers qualify for pension after 16 years service, other ranks after 22 years; and they start young.