To think SD mum is taking her anger out on SD?

[constintine]

I have name changed as this is very outing and I've posted personal stuff from my usual account. I'll try to cut a long story short. My SD is 9 and I have been in her life since she was 2.

We have her 8 nights a month and her mum has her the remaining days/nights. It works out every second weekend and one night during the week every second week. DH and ex get on relatively well but have had their moments.

This weekend was our weekend with SD but SD mum had asked a few months ago if she could take her DD for a day out on the Sunday, DH had said yes that's fine. So SD mum had came to collect SD on Saturday night so they could head off early Sunday and then drop her back here Sunday dinner time.

I was at work on the Saturday but apparently SD mum had asked that SD be fed her dinner for her collecting. DH said time escaped him as she was out on the street playing with other kids and SD mum was not happy that she hadn't had dinner when she collected her.

Yesterday they had their day out and SD was dropped off here at dinner time. The plan was that SD would be dropped off at her mums Monday morning, however, last night SD said her mum had said to get dropped off in the evening on Monday instead. When questioned by DH, this was because she was still upset that she had asked 'several times' to feed SD on Saturday night and he hadn't bothered.

My DH is self employed and had scheduled a full day of work plus workers for today and so he had to cancel. He is fuming. She text late last night and said 'I need a long lie, I'll phone when up and I can come and collect SD' to which DH replied 'don't ask me for any favours again and don't expect the money any time soon'.

Due to DH job he can only work certain months out of the year so he owes SD mum 400 odd pounds in child maintenance. When he said 'don't expect the money any time soon' this really set her off.

We have now received this text from her 'I've been absolutely nothing but decent with you about the money, I've waited months and months and for you to say now you won't give me it. Until I get it back, I'm not having SD, I simply can't afford to feed her without the money you owe me. I have my uni work to do all this week also. I couldn't give a fuck about your work if you're not paying me what is owed. I will not answer any phone calls or the door until my money is posted or transferred'

So now refusing to have her daughter. I will be surprised if she actually sticks to that as her and SD are very close and she will know that not being able to go home will really upset her daughter.

I'm now not sure what to do, DH is adamant he is not paying the money due to her messing him about however, if he doesn't then he will miss another week at work so easier to just pay her.

I think she is bang out of order and taking her anger/frustrations out on her daughter which is unfair. What should I do, if anything, in this situation?

I can't help as I am working shifts this week starting at 11 am.

He said he'll pay it but just won't be in a hurry to pay it.

Does he always feel like he has to win?

This smacks very much of someone who a) thinks he is doing his ex a favour by paying CMS and b) someone who is "above" rules and will decide what is what and wont be told.

Have you said to him that he is behaving like an ass about this CMS issue?

And I do question that if a man isn't working does he need to pay? Because how do they expect to get that money, realistically?

Are you for real?! He gets another fucking job!!!!! One that actually pays for HIS CHILD! What a marvel!

@TeaStory

She shouldn’t be letting this affect her daughter, but your partner is bang out of order!

He didn’t bother feeding his own child, and refuses to pay the maintenance he owes purely to punish the child’s mother for calling him out on his behaviour.

This. Your poor SD having such childish parents.

Why didn't he pay the maintenance when it was due? What work does he do?

Using money to control his ex’s behaviour. Not a good man.

Urgh, behind on maintenance, only sees his kid eight nights a month and still throwing his weigh around. I don’t know how you could have any respect for him. That poor kid.

@Fernshire further up the post I mention women too, I’m fully aware it’s not just single women but in the 80’s that’s where this came from. And this was the idea behind it.

Your husband is a complete arsehole for not paying his maintenance on time and then saying he’ll take his time just because she said something he didn’t like. You are a complete arsehole for standing by and allowing this to happen. Why on earth do you both think this is okay? Do you honestly have no shame at all? Yes, people can make mistakes in that time ran away with him and he didn’t feed her but he should have just owned it and apologised properly - not just a throwaway oh sorry. You should both be throughly ashamed that you have put your sd in this situation and by the sounds of it, both deserve each other.

I’m pleased the mother has collect her daughter. Hopefully both parents will be able to get past this without causing her upset in the future.

What an absolute waste of space this so-called 'dad' is. I couldn't have an ounce of respect for someone like this. Can't believe you're trying to fight his corner OP. He is lame.

@Fernshire sorry I didn’t see your other post.

I mean obviously he could get another job but currently he has this odd seasonal work job, which me may or may not have had when he was with his ex. Would it make a difference if he has this job when they were together? Or now they have split he needs to get ANOTHER JOB to be able to pay her more money?

He is a disgrace. Failing to provide for his child. Remember this before you have kids with him.

Agree with others. Your husband is a useless excuse for a father. More often than not the mother needs the child maintenance money to pay bills. It's alright for your husband having his child 8 days a month and being able to work the rest of the time. His poor ex can't even work to provide for her child because she basically lives with her full time. What a nasty man.

You don't forget to feed your child and you do not withhold support for them as 'pay back'.

This is not a game of marbles on the playground.

[quote Narwhalelife]@AryaStarkWolf I would never defend a man for downright not paying. But it doesn’t seem that this is the whole case here.

Basically a mother is saying that she will not collect her child until she receives £400?

And I do question that if a man isn’t working does he need to pay? Because how do they expect to get that money, realistically?[/quote]
He needs to pay because his child needs food, clothes and basic care. Don't even pretend that a token amount of CMS is going to cover 50% of the needs of a child, or even 10%. How do you expect children to eat, realistically, if both parents aren't willing to make sacrifices?

CMS in this country is a fucking joke and makes it far too easy for non-resident parents to bail out of their commitments to children.

This guy sounds like a real catch……Seriously, he needs to pay for his child!

[quote Narwhalelife]@Fernshire further up the post I mention women too, I’m fully aware it’s not just single women but in the 80’s that’s where this came from. And this was the idea behind it.[/quote]
I believe you are talking about government mandated child support, or what is now known as the Child Maintenence Service.

Where has the OP said that this is via the CMS?

Has anyone checked with MN that this is a genuine poster with a NC, as this seems incredibly goady and surely noone is that naive?

Your DH only had his daughter for about a quarter of the month (2 weekends and 2 night a month in the week is 6 days maybe 7) , works a job which doesnt pay all year round and instead of actively saving in advance to prepare for that he pays in arrears and is now withholding payment.

Your DH is claiming he had to cancel a full days work by your SD is 9 and it was a monday so she would have had to be in school for the majority of the day surely, so couldnt he have just left work early?

Im assuming given when your dh has her her mother covers all illness from school etc, the majority of her childcare costs if applicable, bills food etc, whilst studying herself.

This reads like your Dh thinks the money is for his ex wife and that punishing her by witholding it is reasonable. Apart from the fact that the money is for his daughter, witholding money as punishment is fairly abusive.

I hope you arent planning on having children with this man.

[quote Narwhalelife]@Fernshire sorry I didn’t see your other post.

I mean obviously he could get another job but currently he has this odd seasonal work job, which me may or may not have had when he was with his ex. Would it make a difference if he has this job when they were together? Or now they have split he needs to get ANOTHER JOB to be able to pay her more money?[/quote]
Who cares, he needs to pay for his child one way or the other. If that means he needs to get a second or a more stable job, then thats what he needs to do. Presumably, if he needed to pay rent or mortgage to keep a roof over his head, he'd find a way to make that money every month.

Your DH is claiming he had to cancel a full days work by your SD is 9 and it was a monday so she would have had to be in school for the majority of the day surely, so couldnt he have just left work early?

It's the Easter holidays.

@kittensinthekitchen not sure OP mentioned where etc but child maintenance was legally introduced in the 80’s as I mentioned. Before that, divorce settlements may have included it but for non married families there was not legal obligation to pay.

Obviously the moral duty is important but at the time I wasn’t commenting on that.

@Wheresthebeach

They are both out of order. Poor kid. But I think her mother refusing to have her is very hurtful and not acceptable. I get forgetting the dinner, my DH can be like that, but the money is unreasonable.

They both, as my mother use to say, need their heads banging together.

This ^^ Quite frankly your SD’s parents are as pathetic and infantile as each other, with their poor daughter being used a a pawn. Your DH needs to grow up and take responsibility for his DD and her mother needs force him to pay through cams ASAP. His job being only sporadic is no damn excuse for opting out of supporting his child ffs. Personally I couldn’t stay with someone so puerile and snide. Rather you than me any day.

[quote Narwhalelife]@Fernshire sorry I didn’t see your other post.

I mean obviously he could get another job but currently he has this odd seasonal work job, which me may or may not have had when he was with his ex. Would it make a difference if he has this job when they were together? Or now they have split he needs to get ANOTHER JOB to be able to pay her more money?[/quote]
Presumably when they were together he would looking after his daughter if he wasn't working. They're not a couple anymore anyway so not sure why that question is even relevant

He really doesnt get it does he. This is for his daughter - for her food etc. It isnt optional.

There is only one person out of order here and it is him.