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Original poster

To think SD mum is taking her anger out on SD?

495 replies

constintine · 11/04/2022 10:02

I have name changed as this is very outing and I've posted personal stuff from my usual account. I'll try to cut a long story short. My SD is 9 and I have been in her life since she was 2.

We have her 8 nights a month and her mum has her the remaining days/nights. It works out every second weekend and one night during the week every second week. DH and ex get on relatively well but have had their moments.

This weekend was our weekend with SD but SD mum had asked a few months ago if she could take her DD for a day out on the Sunday, DH had said yes that's fine. So SD mum had came to collect SD on Saturday night so they could head off early Sunday and then drop her back here Sunday dinner time.

I was at work on the Saturday but apparently SD mum had asked that SD be fed her dinner for her collecting. DH said time escaped him as she was out on the street playing with other kids and SD mum was not happy that she hadn't had dinner when she collected her.

Yesterday they had their day out and SD was dropped off here at dinner time. The plan was that SD would be dropped off at her mums Monday morning, however, last night SD said her mum had said to get dropped off in the evening on Monday instead. When questioned by DH, this was because she was still upset that she had asked 'several times' to feed SD on Saturday night and he hadn't bothered.

My DH is self employed and had scheduled a full day of work plus workers for today and so he had to cancel. He is fuming. She text late last night and said 'I need a long lie, I'll phone when up and I can come and collect SD' to which DH replied 'don't ask me for any favours again and don't expect the money any time soon'.

Due to DH job he can only work certain months out of the year so he owes SD mum 400 odd pounds in child maintenance. When he said 'don't expect the money any time soon' this really set her off.

We have now received this text from her 'I've been absolutely nothing but decent with you about the money, I've waited months and months and for you to say now you won't give me it. Until I get it back, I'm not having SD, I simply can't afford to feed her without the money you owe me. I have my uni work to do all this week also. I couldn't give a fuck about your work if you're not paying me what is owed. I will not answer any phone calls or the door until my money is posted or transferred'

So now refusing to have her daughter. I will be surprised if she actually sticks to that as her and SD are very close and she will know that not being able to go home will really upset her daughter.

I'm now not sure what to do, DH is adamant he is not paying the money due to her messing him about however, if he doesn't then he will miss another week at work so easier to just pay her.

I think she is bang out of order and taking her anger/frustrations out on her daughter which is unfair. What should I do, if anything, in this situation?

I can't help as I am working shifts this week starting at 11 am.

OP posts:
TheFormidableMrsC · 11/04/2022 16:42

God what an absolute prick he is. As parent who has been on the receiving end of such behaviour and blackmail over maintenance, this disgusts me. Your hands are not tied, tell him what a dickhead he is. This might be you one day, remember that.

RegardingMary · 11/04/2022 16:42

Your DH is an absolute useless knobsack of man.

Both by not paying, then kicking up a fig about paying and for not feeding a small child.

There's a reason SDs mum made human EX

AryaStarkWolf · 11/04/2022 16:42

@Toomanyradishes

Your DH only had his daughter for about a quarter of the month (2 weekends and 2 night a month in the week is 6 days maybe 7) , works a job which doesnt pay all year round and instead of actively saving in advance to prepare for that he pays in arrears and is now withholding payment.

Your DH is claiming he had to cancel a full days work by your SD is 9 and it was a monday so she would have had to be in school for the majority of the day surely, so couldnt he have just left work early?

Im assuming given when your dh has her her mother covers all illness from school etc, the majority of her childcare costs if applicable, bills food etc, whilst studying herself.

This reads like your Dh thinks the money is for his ex wife and that punishing her by witholding it is reasonable. Apart from the fact that the money is for his daughter, witholding money as punishment is fairly abusive.

I hope you arent planning on having children with this man.

Not sure about the UK but here in Ireland school are closed for Easter holidays atm
Fernshire · 11/04/2022 16:42

[quote Narwhalelife]@Fernshire sorry I didn’t see your other post.

I mean obviously he could get another job but currently he has this odd seasonal work job, which me may or may not have had when he was with his ex. Would it make a difference if he has this job when they were together? Or now they have split he needs to get ANOTHER JOB to be able to pay her more money?[/quote]
Why would that make any difference? If he can't afford to pay for his child now he wouldn't have been able to pay for her when they were together. So yes he should get a job that supports his daughter! Regardless of weather her parents are together or not.

Narwhalelife · 11/04/2022 16:43

@AryaStarkWolf it is relevant if there is an agreement he only has her 8 days. And surely absence parents should continue the contribution they made when they were part of the family. Or should absent parents pay more after separation?

KosherDill · 11/04/2022 16:43

Why can he only work certain months of the year, FFS?

Get a different job for the off-season and keep up with the maintenance payments.

He has no right to withhold the funds in such a childish and spiteful manner.

And if he was supposed to feed her he should have set an alarm on his phone, if need be, to remind himself. I'm sure he was sat there on his phone anyway.

2DogsOnMySofa · 11/04/2022 16:44

The tea business I get, it happens, but to threaten her with child maint, which he's legally responsible for is bang out of order. Talk about lighting the touch paper!

TheSoapyFrog · 11/04/2022 16:45

He is vile. Why would you want to be with a man who treats his child and her mother like this? Why are you defending him?
I really hope you aren't planning on having children with him,

Toomanyradishes · 11/04/2022 16:45

[quote Narwhalelife]@Fernshire sorry I didn’t see your other post.

I mean obviously he could get another job but currently he has this odd seasonal work job, which me may or may not have had when he was with his ex. Would it make a difference if he has this job when they were together? Or now they have split he needs to get ANOTHER JOB to be able to pay her more money?[/quote]
He needs to have a job that is conducive to supporting a child because he is a parent. A child doesnt suddenly eat less or not need a roof over their mouth because its winter.

Reading between the lines it sounds like to ops partner is a builder, or in a trade of some sort. He seems to be doing reasonably well as he is also booking work for other people. So realistically he probably could budget in advance for when he cant work in bad weather he just chooses not to.

For reference a bricklayer (a trade that is weather dependent) gets paid between £150 - £250 per day.

Toomanyradishes · 11/04/2022 16:47

*AryaStarkWolf

Toomanyradishes

Your DH only had his daughter for about a quarter of the month (2 weekends and 2 night a month in the week is 6 days maybe 7) , works a job which doesnt pay all year round and instead of actively saving in advance to prepare for that he pays in arrears and is now withholding payment.

Your DH is claiming he had to cancel a full days work by your SD is 9 and it was a monday so she would have had to be in school for the majority of the day surely, so couldnt he have just left work early?

Im assuming given when your dh has her her mother covers all illness from school etc, the majority of her childcare costs if applicable, bills food etc, whilst studying herself.

This reads like your Dh thinks the money is for his ex wife and that punishing her by witholding it is reasonable. Apart from the fact that the money is for his daughter, witholding money as punishment is fairly abusive.

I hope you arent planning on having children with this man.

Not sure about the UK but here in Ireland school are closed for Easter holidays atm*

Doh! You are right of course. I wonder how many days of the easter holiday the ops partner was planning on covering?

IAMGE · 11/04/2022 16:48

@TeaStory

She shouldn’t be letting this affect her daughter, but your partner is bang out of order!

He didn’t bother feeding his own child, and refuses to pay the maintenance he owes purely to punish the child’s mother for calling him out on his behaviour.

This. Your husband is a total arse. She asked nicely if she could have her daughter that day he said yes, according to you he was asked several times for him to ensure she had been fed. According to you she was playing outside so he wasn’t ‘parenting or spending quality time with her’ but he STILL couldn’t be arsed to get up and call her in for a basic tea. That’s his piss poor parenting and probably buggered her time with her DD as well as not caring and not providing food.

I would be fucking livid. And when she calls him out on it. He is a spoilt brat without apologising.
Adding to this he OWES her £400 that’s OWES / why the heck does he owe any money he should be prompt and on time.

She is parenting her so he gets to go and work if he is paying the money - he can step up and have her. She’s been more than reasonable. Don’t defend him.

Toomanyradishes · 11/04/2022 16:48

@FrankLeeSpeaking

Your DH is claiming he had to cancel a full days work by your SD is 9 and it was a monday so she would have had to be in school for the majority of the day surely, so couldnt he have just left work early?

It's the Easter holidays.

Yeah im an idiot Blush
AryaStarkWolf · 11/04/2022 16:50

[quote Narwhalelife]@AryaStarkWolf it is relevant if there is an agreement he only has her 8 days. And surely absence parents should continue the contribution they made when they were part of the family. Or should absent parents pay more after separation?[/quote]
That's an odd stance, why would they have the same set up as they did when they were a couple, they're no longer a couple? I'm presuming the child had all her needs met by both parents together while they were living together as a couple both monetarily and psychically, now her father is only there for her 8 days a month and is withholding what he had agreed to pay towards her up keep. I don't know the in's and out's of their arrangement but I'm also presuming that while they were a couple the father didn't withhold money needed to feed and clothe his child if he was annoyed with his then partner..

Dancer47 · 11/04/2022 16:52

So the OP's husband has won this round against his ex-wife. She still does not have her maintenance and he has got rid of his daughter. I hope, at the very least, he had the grace to give his ex some money, or at the very least a box of groceries to take away, when his ex picked up her daughter. He needs to pay that maintenance immediately!

Fernshire · 11/04/2022 16:53

[quote Narwhalelife]@AryaStarkWolf it is relevant if there is an agreement he only has her 8 days. And surely absence parents should continue the contribution they made when they were part of the family. Or should absent parents pay more after separation?[/quote]
Do you think the OP's wonderful husband is paying more than when they were together now?

WonderfulYou · 11/04/2022 16:53

Is he controlling with you OP?
Do you work?

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 11/04/2022 16:54

Your husband is an idiot who is playing games with his child. He has been told that she can't afford to feed her without the money so he's decided he's not in a hurry to pay it.

Whatever happens between him and his ex he should be paying for his child. It's bad enough the ex has to wait for months now he's not in a hurry to pay for it. What a lovely man.

Bitconfusedhmm · 11/04/2022 16:55

For my own blood pressures sake I’m going to presume this isn’t real

MRex · 11/04/2022 16:55

It's a really bad idea to have children with this man. He owes £400 and was asked to take his DD for one extra day; you've converted that into the mum preventing him from working. He has 22 days to work most months, more during school term, yet paying for his DD's basic expenses doesn't feature. Don't get involved between him and his ex, but consider why you want a man such as this, you need to do some work on your self esteem.

ChorleyFMcominginyourears · 11/04/2022 16:56

OP is your head still in the sand or are you realising how much of a waster he is yet??

JustLyra · 11/04/2022 16:56

@Dancer47

So the OP's husband has won this round against his ex-wife. She still does not have her maintenance and he has got rid of his daughter. I hope, at the very least, he had the grace to give his ex some money, or at the very least a box of groceries to take away, when his ex picked up her daughter. He needs to pay that maintenance immediately!
I don’t think he has won. It was after 3pm that the OP posted that she was on the way.

She’s well and truly won that won. She’s made her point, disrupted his day (as he did hers) and likely has just as much time with her DD as she would on a Monday when there was school.

She’s lost nothing as he was likely always going to find excuses to not bother his arse with the back pay

Peaseblossum22 · 11/04/2022 16:59

Maintenance is not optional, it’s not a favour he is doing , it’s the absolute bare minimum . What exactly is his daughter meant to live on … fresh air . .

KosherDill · 11/04/2022 17:00

"He needs to have a job that is conducive to supporting a child because he is a parent. A child doesnt suddenly eat less or not need a roof over their mouth because its winter."

This. He gave up the option to only work part of the year when he decided to father a child.

Jaxhog · 11/04/2022 17:01

Not paying maintenance for ANY reason is punishing his child. She can't wait to eat or for replacement clothes etc, just because he's peeved at his ex!

angieloumc · 11/04/2022 17:01

@Narwhalelife

Child maintenance is based on a % of what the man (or woman) earns. Surely if your DH wasn’t working he doesn’t owe the money?

If they were still together, what would his ex have done?

Child maintenance is compensation for a man (or woman’s) absence in the family. So compensating what he would have bought to the family unit.

So does he owe her money or has he said he would continue to pay her despite not earning any money for some months? @constintine

Also, what mother refuses to have her child back?

A mother that can't afford to feed her child because her tosser of an ex is refusing to pay maintenance.
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