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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think SD mum is taking her anger out on SD?

495 replies

constintine · 11/04/2022 10:02

I have name changed as this is very outing and I've posted personal stuff from my usual account. I'll try to cut a long story short. My SD is 9 and I have been in her life since she was 2.

We have her 8 nights a month and her mum has her the remaining days/nights. It works out every second weekend and one night during the week every second week. DH and ex get on relatively well but have had their moments.

This weekend was our weekend with SD but SD mum had asked a few months ago if she could take her DD for a day out on the Sunday, DH had said yes that's fine. So SD mum had came to collect SD on Saturday night so they could head off early Sunday and then drop her back here Sunday dinner time.

I was at work on the Saturday but apparently SD mum had asked that SD be fed her dinner for her collecting. DH said time escaped him as she was out on the street playing with other kids and SD mum was not happy that she hadn't had dinner when she collected her.

Yesterday they had their day out and SD was dropped off here at dinner time. The plan was that SD would be dropped off at her mums Monday morning, however, last night SD said her mum had said to get dropped off in the evening on Monday instead. When questioned by DH, this was because she was still upset that she had asked 'several times' to feed SD on Saturday night and he hadn't bothered.

My DH is self employed and had scheduled a full day of work plus workers for today and so he had to cancel. He is fuming. She text late last night and said 'I need a long lie, I'll phone when up and I can come and collect SD' to which DH replied 'don't ask me for any favours again and don't expect the money any time soon'.

Due to DH job he can only work certain months out of the year so he owes SD mum 400 odd pounds in child maintenance. When he said 'don't expect the money any time soon' this really set her off.

We have now received this text from her 'I've been absolutely nothing but decent with you about the money, I've waited months and months and for you to say now you won't give me it. Until I get it back, I'm not having SD, I simply can't afford to feed her without the money you owe me. I have my uni work to do all this week also. I couldn't give a fuck about your work if you're not paying me what is owed. I will not answer any phone calls or the door until my money is posted or transferred'

So now refusing to have her daughter. I will be surprised if she actually sticks to that as her and SD are very close and she will know that not being able to go home will really upset her daughter.

I'm now not sure what to do, DH is adamant he is not paying the money due to her messing him about however, if he doesn't then he will miss another week at work so easier to just pay her.

I think she is bang out of order and taking her anger/frustrations out on her daughter which is unfair. What should I do, if anything, in this situation?

I can't help as I am working shifts this week starting at 11 am.

OP posts:
notanothertakeaway · 11/04/2022 17:01

I'm guessing this thread didnt pan out as the OP expected

Neither parent has covered themselves in glory here

Quartz2208 · 11/04/2022 17:01

@constintine how honestly can you be ok with this?

Or does he not pay the way in your household either

TheOrigRights · 11/04/2022 17:03

May I just use this thread as a platform to say how much it pisses me off when people use work as a reason to not have their kids.

murasaki · 11/04/2022 17:06

Christ, you really have hitched your wagon to a total knobjockey, haven't you. I hope the scales are falling from your eyes, although I doubt it. Do not procreate with this utter waste of space.

Isthisit22 · 11/04/2022 17:09

What a horrible man.
He seems to think he can choose when to pay money for his daughter. Does his daughter's mother get to choose too? Can she just leave her daughter to starve in the streets or is that just a dad's right??
Your husband's idea of punishing his ex by withholding money Fromm his own daughter is truly vile

LovelyYellowLabrador · 11/04/2022 17:11

Op
Run for the hills tour dh sounds horrible !!

Harridan1981 · 11/04/2022 17:11

I cannot imagine being with such a loser.

Fwiw the food thing sounds like the straw that broke the camel's back. What she was really fucked off with was his lackadaisical approach to supporting his child. Which you seem to think is just fine.

Doesn't he feel even the slightest bit of obligation? Or guilt?

chaosrabbitland · 11/04/2022 17:12

@MuchuseasaChocolateTeapot

I’m at the bottom of page 2 of 14 atm and without looking ahead I bet op just goes quiet and doesn’t say “wow, you all have a really good point, I’m going to speak to my husband about being a better dad and stepping up to pay maintenance and I’m not going to have children with him until he sorts out his commitment to his first family”. Anyone taking bets?
iv got a feeling we wont be hearing much more from her somehow , she clearly does agree with him or if she doesnt quite agree hes conditoned her to think his ex is a complete cow , and how much better off he is now hes not with her , so the ex will always be painted to be in he wrong and the op will always look up to him , some women have very low self esteem and will believe almost or support almost any crap their man will tell them about the ex wife remember
30mph · 11/04/2022 17:12

Take care not to get pregnant. He isn't good dad material.

DoorWasAJar · 11/04/2022 17:13

My father was like this, destroyed my poor mother, he just didn’t contribute. So I had to go into foster care. I hope your SD doesn’t end up like this.

FairyLightPups · 11/04/2022 17:14

Good on her, quite frankly.

He couldn't be arsed to feed his own child, is using money HE OWES as leverage, and looks after his daughter for less than 1/3 of a month.

I hope she has a lovely break and I hope this has given him a kick up the bum. Hopefully from here he will stop acting like a prize prat, step up, and pay her the money she needs to raise HIS child.

DarkShade · 11/04/2022 17:15

Is this a wind up? He needs to pay that money right now so that the ex can support their daughter. When you're a parent you don't get to decide not to feed the kids this week because they've wound you up. If you're the non-main-resident parent you don't get to decide not to pay maintenance. No wonder she is stressed, poor woman..

comealongponds · 11/04/2022 17:20

YABU your partners a dick

He couldn’t be arsed to feed his child dinner. He thinks it’s fine to not pay maintenance and then threaten to withhold it because his ex called out his twattish behaviour.

Sounds like a shit dad and I couldn’t be with a partner who thought that was ok. But then you seem to think it’s ok too so maybe you deserve each other.

Doggirl · 11/04/2022 17:20

Let's hope there's not a huge back story here of the father holding a long-term grudge because the pregnancy was sprung on him by the mother cdeceiving him about contraception...

Getoff · 11/04/2022 17:25

Haven't read the thread, but from the posts I did read, everyone is getting very upset with him for dicking about delaying payment of an amount he admits he owes, but I don't see anyone getting upset at something far worse his ex did, namely causing him to lose (I guess) a few hundred pounds of self-employed earnings, money that he will never get back, as a result of her fucking him around.

Setting aside whether it was previously unreasonable for him to have this unpaid debt, her fucking him around, first, has far more serious consequences to him than does his response to her.

Fluffyfluff88 · 11/04/2022 17:27

Oh wow sorry, OP, your husband sounds awful. And you sound like you’re enabling his behaviour.

He needs to pay his ex.

And yes, he should have fed his daughter. I don’t “forget” to feed my children ever. Ridiculous.

Toomanyradishes · 11/04/2022 17:29

@Getoff

Haven't read the thread, but from the posts I did read, everyone is getting very upset with him for dicking about delaying payment of an amount he admits he owes, but I don't see anyone getting upset at something far worse his ex did, namely causing him to lose (I guess) a few hundred pounds of self-employed earnings, money that he will never get back, as a result of her fucking him around.

Setting aside whether it was previously unreasonable for him to have this unpaid debt, her fucking him around, first, has far more serious consequences to him than does his response to her.

Whilst I get your point I would love to know how much of the easter holidays, or the summer holidays etc he was planning on covering. Because 2 weekends and 2 overnights a month do not cover a whole lot of holiday time
Hotpinkangel19 · 11/04/2022 17:31

I can't believe you think this is okay OP. What a waster he is. How embarrassing. If you had anything about you you'd tell him to get a grip and pay for his child. You are just as bad as him for thinking this is okay.

momonpurpose · 11/04/2022 17:32

I think you need to take a hard look at this because someday this will be you. If he can do this to one he will do it to all.

Isthisit22 · 11/04/2022 17:33

@Getoff

Haven't read the thread, but from the posts I did read, everyone is getting very upset with him for dicking about delaying payment of an amount he admits he owes, but I don't see anyone getting upset at something far worse his ex did, namely causing him to lose (I guess) a few hundred pounds of self-employed earnings, money that he will never get back, as a result of her fucking him around.

Setting aside whether it was previously unreasonable for him to have this unpaid debt, her fucking him around, first, has far more serious consequences to him than does his response to her.

Eh??? Him losing a few hundred pounds today is either the same or not as bad as him not paying hundreds or pounds to feed and clothe his own daughter ages ago. How can you not understand this?
Comedycook · 11/04/2022 17:37

He sounds like an absolute bastard quite frankly. And yeah, it is hard to work when you have kids...does he expect her to never work considering vast majority of time she has the child with her.....and live on fresh air seeing as he is so useless at paying maintenance?

Original poster
constintine · 11/04/2022 17:38

SD is back with the mum and DH has told her he will pay it when he can.

OP posts:
Fernshire · 11/04/2022 17:38

@Getoff

Haven't read the thread, but from the posts I did read, everyone is getting very upset with him for dicking about delaying payment of an amount he admits he owes, but I don't see anyone getting upset at something far worse his ex did, namely causing him to lose (I guess) a few hundred pounds of self-employed earnings, money that he will never get back, as a result of her fucking him around.

Setting aside whether it was previously unreasonable for him to have this unpaid debt, her fucking him around, first, has far more serious consequences to him than does his response to her.

I'm embarrassed for you that you think feeding and clothing a child is less important that loosing out on one days work.
Horst · 11/04/2022 17:41

Pay it when he can. Guess the daughter can eat or have heat when she can then.

Such a Prince this man. Just because he doesn’t want to go without himself a bit his daughter must as a way to punish his ex.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 11/04/2022 17:41

@constintine

SD is back with the mum and DH has told her he will pay it when he can.
Your DH is a prick.