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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think SD mum is taking her anger out on SD?

495 replies

constintine · 11/04/2022 10:02

I have name changed as this is very outing and I've posted personal stuff from my usual account. I'll try to cut a long story short. My SD is 9 and I have been in her life since she was 2.

We have her 8 nights a month and her mum has her the remaining days/nights. It works out every second weekend and one night during the week every second week. DH and ex get on relatively well but have had their moments.

This weekend was our weekend with SD but SD mum had asked a few months ago if she could take her DD for a day out on the Sunday, DH had said yes that's fine. So SD mum had came to collect SD on Saturday night so they could head off early Sunday and then drop her back here Sunday dinner time.

I was at work on the Saturday but apparently SD mum had asked that SD be fed her dinner for her collecting. DH said time escaped him as she was out on the street playing with other kids and SD mum was not happy that she hadn't had dinner when she collected her.

Yesterday they had their day out and SD was dropped off here at dinner time. The plan was that SD would be dropped off at her mums Monday morning, however, last night SD said her mum had said to get dropped off in the evening on Monday instead. When questioned by DH, this was because she was still upset that she had asked 'several times' to feed SD on Saturday night and he hadn't bothered.

My DH is self employed and had scheduled a full day of work plus workers for today and so he had to cancel. He is fuming. She text late last night and said 'I need a long lie, I'll phone when up and I can come and collect SD' to which DH replied 'don't ask me for any favours again and don't expect the money any time soon'.

Due to DH job he can only work certain months out of the year so he owes SD mum 400 odd pounds in child maintenance. When he said 'don't expect the money any time soon' this really set her off.

We have now received this text from her 'I've been absolutely nothing but decent with you about the money, I've waited months and months and for you to say now you won't give me it. Until I get it back, I'm not having SD, I simply can't afford to feed her without the money you owe me. I have my uni work to do all this week also. I couldn't give a fuck about your work if you're not paying me what is owed. I will not answer any phone calls or the door until my money is posted or transferred'

So now refusing to have her daughter. I will be surprised if she actually sticks to that as her and SD are very close and she will know that not being able to go home will really upset her daughter.

I'm now not sure what to do, DH is adamant he is not paying the money due to her messing him about however, if he doesn't then he will miss another week at work so easier to just pay her.

I think she is bang out of order and taking her anger/frustrations out on her daughter which is unfair. What should I do, if anything, in this situation?

I can't help as I am working shifts this week starting at 11 am.

OP posts:
Waxonwaxoff0 · 11/04/2022 17:42

Imagine marrying a man who picks and chooses when he pays for his child. Low standards.

palmplantcirca1980s · 11/04/2022 17:45

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Waxonwaxoff0 · 11/04/2022 17:47

If I, as a resident parent, decided not to provide financially for my child for months out of the year, I'd get done for neglect.

OP, you ought to be embarrassed and your partner is shameful.

DoItAfraid · 11/04/2022 17:48

@Getoff

Haven't read the thread, but from the posts I did read, everyone is getting very upset with him for dicking about delaying payment of an amount he admits he owes, but I don't see anyone getting upset at something far worse his ex did, namely causing him to lose (I guess) a few hundred pounds of self-employed earnings, money that he will never get back, as a result of her fucking him around.

Setting aside whether it was previously unreasonable for him to have this unpaid debt, her fucking him around, first, has far more serious consequences to him than does his response to her.

@Getoff

This is a man who has the child only 8 days a month! And doesn’t attempt to work at least full time, knowing he has obligations.

Then runs into arrears.

THEN withholds what he owes which is already late.

I think you should read the thread because your post is embarrassing.

Quartz2208 · 11/04/2022 17:48

But she doesnt have that luxury - she is raising his daughter and is probably finding the current rise in the cost of living such that she can no longer afford to be nice about this and give him the time.

She needs that money - and it is his responsibility to pay it.

He clearly needs to sort out his work ethic and find something that means he can pay consistently. And realise that parenting doesnt mean simply forgetting to feed your DD

ForeverSingle881 · 11/04/2022 17:49

Congratulations on your choice of partner, he sounds wonderful. Please go ahead and have kids with him and come back in a few years once he's proven to you too what a shit dad he is.

kittensinthekitchen · 11/04/2022 17:53

How long a period does the £400 maintenance cover? A month? More?

By the way, every second weekend and one day in the week the opposite week does NOT make 8 days a month.
Does he have his daughter more often during holiday times? More in his off-season times?

TheOriginalEmu · 11/04/2022 17:53

@Narwhalelife

Child maintenance is based on a % of what the man (or woman) earns. Surely if your DH wasn’t working he doesn’t owe the money?

If they were still together, what would his ex have done?

Child maintenance is compensation for a man (or woman’s) absence in the family. So compensating what he would have bought to the family unit.

So does he owe her money or has he said he would continue to pay her despite not earning any money for some months? @constintine

Also, what mother refuses to have her child back?

A desperate one who wonders how she can feed her kid because her father doesn’t provide for her?
HailAdrian · 11/04/2022 17:55

Your partner is 100% in the wrong. Telling his child's mum not to expect any money got a reaction, I'm sure he knew it would. She obviously didn't mean it as she collected her daughter. One day of work isn't generally worth £400?? And he should have given her some fucking dinner ffs.

Partyatnumber10 · 11/04/2022 17:58

@constintine

SD is back with the mum and DH has told her he will pay it when he can.
Ah that's all ok then. The responsible mum has caved so the man-child can do as he pleases with his new wife again... I do so love a happy ending Hmm

I hope mum has dutifully informed SD that she'll feed her "when she can".

WonderfulYou · 11/04/2022 18:03

This has got to to be a joke thread surely no ones standards are that low.

Butchyrestingface · 11/04/2022 18:09

@constintine

Just spoke to him, he is refusing to speak to her or give her the money so my hands are tied.
In a few short years, you'll be on this site complaining about your deadbeat ex who doesn't pay maintenance for the kids he has with you, and "forgets" to feed them on their occasional stay overs.

The whole thing will come as an utter shock to you, there were literally NO SIGNS up until the moment he started doing it to YOU.

Butchyrestingface · 11/04/2022 18:10

@WonderfulYou

This has got to to be a joke thread surely no ones standards are that low.
If the world wasn't full of people with shite standards the AIBU and Relationship boards on this site would have dried up a long time ago.
Nanny0gg · 11/04/2022 18:11

@constintine

SD is back with the mum and DH has told her he will pay it when he can.
You're doing a lovely job of dodging everything being said to you.

What's the point of this thread?

Unanananana · 11/04/2022 18:12

pay it when he can

Fucking disgraceful. Your husband is a prize cunt.

Fulmine · 11/04/2022 18:14

@constintine

SD is back with the mum and DH has told her he will pay it when he can.
I suggest you have a conversation with him about getting work when his business isn't operating so that he can pay the debt off more quickly. Also so that he can contribute more realistically to your own family finances.
iloveeverykindofcat · 11/04/2022 18:18

@thewhatsit

This isn’t really painting anyone in a good light is it’s? Your poor, poor SD.
That's what I was going to say. None of the adults in this situation are covering themselves in glory. He's probably the worst though, just based on what's written here.
hulahooper2 · 11/04/2022 18:24

It’s lovely to get a break from having to feed a child night after night , and sm may not have had food in the house for sd, and you’d husband should pay her what he owes asap

funinthesun19 · 11/04/2022 18:25

Could he not have put her in holiday club for the day? I get it would have been short notice but surely these clubs get this happening sometimes? Paying £25-30 for the day is a better deal than losing a day’s pay.

steff13 · 11/04/2022 18:40

He said he'll pay it but just won't be in a hurry to pay it.

How can you look at him without feeling sick. He's horrible.

SamMil · 11/04/2022 18:41

Unfortunately if you have a child, you don't have the choice to pay for them "when you can". The mother has the child for two-thirds of the month and is paying for their upkeep. They can't just choose not to pay for their food/clothes for months on end, so why does your partner get to do so?

If he is only earning at certain times of the year, he needs to find a job to earn the rest of the time. Or manage his budget accordingly to spread over the year.

DrSbaitso · 11/04/2022 18:47

@constintine

SD is back with the mum and DH has told her he will pay it when he can.
Will it be OK for her to feed, clothe and house the child when she can?
Waxonwaxoff0 · 11/04/2022 18:48

I hope you're taking all these comments on board OP, you haven't mentioned if you have children yourself but he clearly thinks paying for his children is optional so if you're considering having them, bear that in mind.

whynotwhatknot · 11/04/2022 18:48

So she probably cant go to cms because hes self emplyed and will fudge his earning so shes stuck getting dribs and drabs when he can be bothered

nice

My dh ex was the biggest waste of space but he still paid on time every month its got nothng to do with anything else

User5643638 · 11/04/2022 18:52

God your husband is absolutely vile. Do NOT have kids with him. Feel so bloody sorry for SD and her mum