to not tell anyone about my ‘legal wedding’?

[ShotgunSummerWedding]

I should be so happy, but I’m so upset by my family’s reaction. I know MN is usually well in favour of the married couple to be doing whatever they wish, but just really want to vent and hear some similar stories. I want to preface this by saying I am my parents only child.

Me and my fiancé are due to welcome our baby girl in June after miscarriages and general misery. This pregnancy is going well and I am feeling a bit more hopeful each day that we will meet her. We really wanted to be married and have a lovely small family wedding before DC, but the first pregnancy was unplanned and stuck us on the TTC treadmill as we tried to regain what we had lost. We thankfully have, and now marriage is back on the cards. Before it stopped being a priority as the only thing I cared about was being pregnant again.

Now I am and we definitely want to get married before the baby is born. First and foremost, we want to be a legal family and cement that before she is here. Practically, we are also worried about the medical aspects of not being each other’s next of kin (particularly if anything goes wrong at birth). My partner is also a foreign national and if we are not married at birth it is notoriously difficult for her to get his citizenship without a lot of paperwork and expense. Financially too, he is worried about me being a SAHM and not having the legal protections of marriage, particularly if he died before we planned a wedding.

So we booked a registry office for next month and have given notice to marry. This would be our ‘legal’ wedding in jeans and trainers, just tick off all of the above. Our witnesses will be two friends. No one else.

I don’t want family there because I am still not very well and I’m terrified that something will happen to my baby. If my family are there then that ceremony becomes my wedding day and it will be forever tainted. Also, my fiancé’s family are not able to travel at the moment and I do not want my MIL and FIL to feel excluded. This ceremony is our legal protection together. Nothing more.

We do want a wedding though. Next year we are then going to take our family and friends on a destination wedding blessing next year and have bridesmaids, a cake, speeches and a nice party. When I am hopefully happier and in a better mental place after my daughter arriving safely.

I told my mother my plans (not set dates, just intentions) and she was furious and unkind. She is usually a lovely, non-toxic person. In her eyes, the vows are the most important thing and she is will be heartbroken if she doesn’t see them. She told me that if I am just going to see my marriage as a piece of paper, then I may as well bin my engagement ring and get a plastic one

She eventually calmed down and sent me a text saying that she was sad, but I needed to do what was right for my family. I though this was her blessing and tried to talk to her a little more ‘would you like to know when we book somewhere?’ ‘Would you like pictures?’ but she quickly got angry and asked to be there. I explained all of the above, and she still didn’t get it and pulled faces. I have tried to get her excited about our ceremony next year, asking about bridesmaid’s dresses and planning dress shopping, but she rolled her eyes and said if my destination wedding guest list was so small then there was no point.

I’m at a loss of what to do. She keeps asking me about it but everything I say upsets her. I’m currently in the mindset that I want to just say “we’re not doing that because of how you have acted” but just go and do it anyway. And to tell no one. This is actually what my dad has advised…

But it just feels so untruthful I’m so excited to be married and this just feels like something else (like my pregnancy) that has been ruined.

@Viviennemary

Do shat you like. But it does seem a very topsy turvy way of doing things. I wouldn't go to a fake wedding. Especially as mother of the bride. It would be totally pointless IMHO.

So your daughter says this day is really important to me and Bob, I really want you to be there to see us exchange our wedding vows, spend time with us and the baby, be a part of our celebrations and yous say "nah sorry love, I'd only come if I can see you sign the legal bit of paper"? I hope your kids are young so you have time to grow up and be less self-centered

This thread is so hard on you, OP.

Your logic is valid and complete:
"Proper" wedding isn't in cards now - both because of your high risk pregnancy & anxiety and PILs options.
Your reasoning for getting legal marriage is totally valid and you need to do it.

There isn't any compromise possible, because your mother can't do a compromise and you are in too hard position now to be expected to teach her how to.
The only way how to improve the situation would be to move your registration office appointment to even earlier day. Just do it as soon as possible and that will be it. Waiting a month will give your mother a month of time to display her lack of understanding for your conditions.

I'm sure when you are a mother (and I wish you a safe and healthy pregnancy) then eventually the reality of your choice will hit you.

This is such patronising nonsense. I have children and can't understand what on earth you're on about, it isn't some sort of grand realisation that'll hit OP the moment she has a baby in her arms

I think if you go ahead with your plan you'll have to come to terms with deeply upsetting either your parents or his.

The only very very very tenuous possible solution would be if you did a civil partnership instead of marriage ceremony - would that be enough to sort out the nationality issue, placate your mum and allow you to have a marriage abroad?

@HardbackWriter

I'm sure when you are a mother (and I wish you a safe and healthy pregnancy) then eventually the reality of your choice will hit you.

This is such patronising nonsense. I have children and can't understand what on earth you're on about, it isn't some sort of grand realisation that'll hit OP the moment she has a baby in her arms

Omg I missed this.

Yes op will be happy with her legal service and planning her fancy wedding until they place the baby in her arms at which point she'll wail desperately how her wedding choices should all have been about the woman who pushed HER out of her body. Anyone without a child birthed already is just so dense and selfish 😂

Go ahead and do the registry office and just not tell anyone. That's what I would do. Just don't mention it again.

I haven’t read the full thread OP but I just think people should be able to get married in the way that works for them. If it works for the couple getting married then that’s all that matters in my opinion. It’s not up to your mum. Don’t keep it a secret. You’ve explained your reasonings you don’t need to explain anymore. Do what feels is best for you and your fiancé, you are the ones getting married and however you both want to do it is how it should be.

@SleepingStandingUp tbf I'm the mother of boys so clearly my presence at the wedding would be an optional extra of no relevance anyway. Perhaps if I'd birthed a girl I would have realised the moment that she was born that my key and most important role, something that I was owed above all else, was mother of the bride...

I have a few friends who have had a legal wedding seperate to their wedding day. The first tried to do what you have done, but family got upset and so they invited a few people, it sort of snowballed into a dinner out and flowers etc - so now they are unlikely to have the wedding that they wanted. The second told no family, only had two witnesses. Three years later (due to covid delays) they are now having their wedding day as planned. Because they kept the legal one small and secret, they were able to have the big day they wanted.

Don’t feel bad about your plan, it’s perfectly reasonable.

However, I would invite your parents and his parents as the witnesses, not two friends. Simply because you’ve already told your mum. If you had actually just kept it secret it wouldn’t matter, but she knows now. A lot of her upset will be because she’s not involved, rather than that she hates the plan generally. If you include her, ask her to be in on the secret with you, to be part of this small legal ceremony but then to plan with you the big day that you want - I’m sure she will be on board and you will get to have the small ceremony ASAP and the big day, and not hurt anyone.

Essentially, the cat is out of the bag so you might need to adjust your plan slightly. Take it from me, in a few years you will have forgotten why you were so adamant you wanted to do a certain thing, but you will always remember hurting your parents. So I would find a way to include them in the legal ceremony but still keep it small enough that you can have the big wedding later on.

If you invited your mum as a witness, could his parents watch via video link?

And stick to your guns about not wearing a fancy dress or having a celebration afterwards.

I’m baffled at these comments honestly.

OP do whatever it is you want to do. I’m so sorry about your losses (I had a stillborn at 24 weeks and I know how utterly anxiety ridden the subsequent pregnancy is). Clearly I’m in the minority, but if that’s how my daughter wanted to do it, I’d encourage her. All Id want for HER AND HER HUSBANDS day is for THEM to be happy. I’d be devastated if I’d caused her this stress.

Me and my DH eloped, didn’t tell anyone, just ran away, got married and told everyone after because that’s how WE wanted to do it.

Also, I was invited to a destination wedding where the legal ceremony had taken place 18 months prior and I didn’t give a hoot, it was their special day, we all saw it as their actual wedding day and it was fabulous.

All the best OP, please follow your heart and do what you want to do.

Your fiance is wise, with good priorities. Get the legal stuff done ASAP like you planned, if anyone kicks off remember they will get over it, and themselves.

I mean this gently because it sounds like things are tough for you, but I'd also say that learning to say no and meaning it to your mother would be a good thing for the future, rather than being pressganged into multiple baby showers and balloon arches. you don't want.

[quote HardbackWriter]@SleepingStandingUp tbf I'm the mother of boys so clearly my presence at the wedding would be an optional extra of no relevance anyway. Perhaps if I'd birthed a girl I would have realised the moment that she was born that my key and most important role, something that I was owed above all else, was mother of the bride...[/quote]
Ah, three boys here myself. Perhaps that's why we think op should have the wedding she wants and be supported by her parents. Because we don't know better and are no better than we ought be 🙄😁😁

Firstly, I hope you have as smooth as possible remainder of pregnancy and safe delivery op. I totally understand how you cannot relax. I agree your 'paperwork wedding' won't be a relaxing day. It is a good step forward for safety and security though. If you were my DD, I would be very happy for you to have this security and I would see it as something to celebrate, even in a low key way. I would rather see a couple make their vows than any of the rest of it.

You're getting a really hard time because this is AIBU, but I don't think you're being unreasonable.
We found when we planned our wedding that pleasing everyone else wasn't possible, so we decided we'd do everything exactly as we wanted, even if that meant other people would have to get over their own feelings about certain decisions (like not inviting distant uncles we never see, not having a disco etc). Our day was perfect and we have no regrets.
Your reasoning is completely logical ‐ obviously you would rather have had the destination wedding before your baby was born but that's impossible now so the very best option in the circumstances is to sort the legalities first then have your dream wedding celebration later. It sounds wonderful. Don't mention it to your mum again, just do it.

This is the "normal" way of doing things in many countries. I really can't see what all the fuss is about. You have a town hall wedding followed by an optional religious ceremony.

DH and I had a "legal" wedding with no-one there. We, some weeks later, had a wedding, with a celebrant, with our families and friends, in a place that was special to us. It's been several years and no-one has complained of feeling cheated or deceived

Ah, three boys here myself. Perhaps that's why we think op should have the wedding she wants and be supported by her parents

I have a DD and, honestly, I don't care what kind of wedding she has or, indeed, who is invited. As long as it makes her happy then that's fine by me. Just because I gave birth to her it doesn't mean she owes me anything. Have the wedding you want OP, with who you want, your mum is BVU.

OP - I completely get where you're coming from. Your anxiety must be crippling at the moment - I'm really hoping all goes well with your pregnancy. Please remember that the post-natal period can be hard on your mental health too and make sure you have plenty of support.

We did similar to you in terms of wedding. It was great, it took all the pressure off on the "official" wedding day & put all the legal protections in place. Does your mum need to know you've done it? Can you keep it quiet until much later? Under your circumstances I would be seriously tempted to do this.

One thing to consider though as you said your partner is not a UK National. When we were choosing the "streamlined" (bare minimum) wedding vows etc there were lots of raised eyebrows from the registrar and we had to reassure them that this wasn't a marriage of convenience. Make sure your partner brings every bit of paperwork just in case you have a similar experience.

Given that the "wedding day" is going to be a destination wedding abroad anyway, you would probably need to have a separate registry office formality in the UK anyway as destination weddings are often not entirely sufficient legally. Given that, there's hardly much difference in having that legal bit happening sooner rather than later for purely practical abd administrative reasons as per yhe OP. Not worth making a fuss about.

It would break my heart, if I was your mum.
Think about it for a minute. It’s a stressful time in your life and you’ve been through so much.
In your shoes, I’d get a pretty outfit, something between smart and casual, invite both sets of parents, have a meal afterwards, the 6 of you. Make it clear to your mum that this is the legal bit you’re doing for your child, not for anyone else. So no hats, marquee, just close immediate family. Take it or leave it.
I understand that MIL is probably not up for a knees up, but if she wishes so, she’s invited, it takes less than 20 minutes. Are you sure she’d be totally incapacitated? I know I would drag my arse over there, it’s my child.
More importantly, although you’ve been through the mill and you’re worried about the baby and all the rest of it, please stop and consider the rest of the family as well. You come across a bit tantrumy, maybe that’s not your intention, but that’s what I perceive.

I was pregnant on my wedding day and miscarried (again) shortly afterwards. It took me a long time to be able to think about my wedding and when I see the photos they make me very sad. So I understand. I can see both sides. I don't know what I would do. But I wish I could look at my wedding photos without crying.

Good grief, so much hand wringing from PPs (not the OP).

I didn't go to my DD's wedding. It would have been nice to go but circumstances meant it wasn't possible. I wasn't devastated, grief stricken or sobbing into my hankie. DD and DSiL got what they wanted which was to be married.

I would have hated to have acted in the way OP's DM is acting. So self centred.

I haven't read the full thread, and I know that's annoying, but I have read all your posts. I don't think you're being at all unreasonable. I got married in France and we aren't religious, but my understanding is that if we had been, we'd have had to do pretty much what you plan - the legal bit first, then the "proper wedding" in a church or whatever, with all the guests. It's not some weird thing no one else has ever done, you're not alone. I'm really sorry for your loss, and that your mother is being such a cow about this. I would absolutely stick to your plan, and definitely get the legal bit done before the baby arrives - nationality-related admin is a hassle at the best of times and anything you can do to minimise it is good! I'm glad your MIL is sensible, at least - I'm sorry she's been ill. I think you're absolutely doing the right thing in not excluding her, just to appease your mother's sense of occasion. She needs to get a grip and realise it's not actually about her, this time.

I hope everything goes smoothly with your baby and with the registry office, and that you have a lovely wedding in due course!

Just tell her you've changed your mind and will just get married next year with everyone. In the meantime, do the legal thing and don't tell anyone.
They will have no idea the party wedding isn't the legal one (assuming you don't change your surname on any documents until then!). The only difference in the two sets of words is that they don't ask if anyone here present knows of a reason why they can't be wed... Because it would be a bit tricky if someone piped up with a reason.
But at mine the registrar told us all this and we were fine, figured no one would notice. But then actually the registrar forgot she wasn't supposed to say it and just went on autopilot and said it anyway. Luckily no-one piped up!

In your shoes, I’d get a pretty outfit because it isn't OK to wear what you want, you must oblige your guests
invite both sets of parents, have a meal afterwards, the 6 of you even though MIL is abroad and recovering from cancer treatment so can't come
Make it clear to your mum that this is the legal bit you’re doing for your child, not for anyone else except you're clearly telling her to do it for her mother
So no hats, marquee, just close immediate family but she still needs a nice sress
Take it or leave it. Inc the MIL in another country recovering from cancer treatment who can't travel. Because she's oy groom Mom so matters less.
I understand that MIL is probably not up for a knees up, but if she wishes so, she’s invited, it takes less than 20 minutes we'll I imagine the commute is longer than that, with air travel these days
Are you sure she’d be totally incapacitated? I know I would drag my arse over there, it’s my child interesting promise without knowing the surgery or flight times. Maybe DP doesn't want his Mom to jepordize her reocevery
More importantly, although you’ve been through the mill and you’re worried about the baby and all the rest of it, please stop and consider the rest of the family as well because keeping her Mom happy is more important than keeping ops anxiety low.