to not tell anyone about my ‘legal wedding’?

[ShotgunSummerWedding]

I should be so happy, but I’m so upset by my family’s reaction. I know MN is usually well in favour of the married couple to be doing whatever they wish, but just really want to vent and hear some similar stories. I want to preface this by saying I am my parents only child.

Me and my fiancé are due to welcome our baby girl in June after miscarriages and general misery. This pregnancy is going well and I am feeling a bit more hopeful each day that we will meet her. We really wanted to be married and have a lovely small family wedding before DC, but the first pregnancy was unplanned and stuck us on the TTC treadmill as we tried to regain what we had lost. We thankfully have, and now marriage is back on the cards. Before it stopped being a priority as the only thing I cared about was being pregnant again.

Now I am and we definitely want to get married before the baby is born. First and foremost, we want to be a legal family and cement that before she is here. Practically, we are also worried about the medical aspects of not being each other’s next of kin (particularly if anything goes wrong at birth). My partner is also a foreign national and if we are not married at birth it is notoriously difficult for her to get his citizenship without a lot of paperwork and expense. Financially too, he is worried about me being a SAHM and not having the legal protections of marriage, particularly if he died before we planned a wedding.

So we booked a registry office for next month and have given notice to marry. This would be our ‘legal’ wedding in jeans and trainers, just tick off all of the above. Our witnesses will be two friends. No one else.

I don’t want family there because I am still not very well and I’m terrified that something will happen to my baby. If my family are there then that ceremony becomes my wedding day and it will be forever tainted. Also, my fiancé’s family are not able to travel at the moment and I do not want my MIL and FIL to feel excluded. This ceremony is our legal protection together. Nothing more.

We do want a wedding though. Next year we are then going to take our family and friends on a destination wedding blessing next year and have bridesmaids, a cake, speeches and a nice party. When I am hopefully happier and in a better mental place after my daughter arriving safely.

I told my mother my plans (not set dates, just intentions) and she was furious and unkind. She is usually a lovely, non-toxic person. In her eyes, the vows are the most important thing and she is will be heartbroken if she doesn’t see them. She told me that if I am just going to see my marriage as a piece of paper, then I may as well bin my engagement ring and get a plastic one

She eventually calmed down and sent me a text saying that she was sad, but I needed to do what was right for my family. I though this was her blessing and tried to talk to her a little more ‘would you like to know when we book somewhere?’ ‘Would you like pictures?’ but she quickly got angry and asked to be there. I explained all of the above, and she still didn’t get it and pulled faces. I have tried to get her excited about our ceremony next year, asking about bridesmaid’s dresses and planning dress shopping, but she rolled her eyes and said if my destination wedding guest list was so small then there was no point.

I’m at a loss of what to do. She keeps asking me about it but everything I say upsets her. I’m currently in the mindset that I want to just say “we’re not doing that because of how you have acted” but just go and do it anyway. And to tell no one. This is actually what my dad has advised…

But it just feels so untruthful I’m so excited to be married and this just feels like something else (like my pregnancy) that has been ruined.

What a bizarre set of responses. So basically people are saying you either (a) exclude your future MIL or (b) don't get married until such time as you can meet all of your mother's demands. What a load of rubbish. Your plans sounds eminently sensible to me.

The wedding is the bit where you get married.

I don't think it's an issue that you're having a party to celebrate abroad later, good for you if you can afford it and it'll be a nice way to celebrate once you're less stressed.

But your mum isn't going to be there for your wedding, the bit where you legally join yourselves together. I can see why she'd be hurt about that part.

I think she's being weird AF about insisting that the actual wedding doesn't count if there isn't a giant party, but that's up to her to get her knickers in a twist about - sounds to me she's hurt that she's not invited to your wedding (which I understand) and is lashing out.

Do the legal bit.

Make the party your wedding blessing and child naming ceremony.

We got married in jeans on a Tuesday lunchtime with two 'resting actor' friends as witnesses, when I was very pregnant -- we told no one at all for several years. I thoroughly recommend it. No one can start to get retrospectively pissed off about not having had any input into something that happened five years earlier.

I think your only error here is trying to reconcile your mother to it, and letting her disappointment and anger taint your sense of the importance of the legal wedding. I was very clear with family when we eventually told them that there had never been any chance we were going to have some big wedding -- it had never been a choice for us between 200 guests and a church and a white dress and speeches, or a ten-minute quickie with two witnesses. The latter was the only way it had ever been going to happen.

My DH and I had a legal wedding in my home country, but my parents and godparents attended. I wore a cute short dress. We only consider it our legal wedding for paperwork reasons, but my parents were clear they wanted to be there. Our religious wedding ceremony was 5 days later, and while we consider this our actual anniversary, I can see why parents would feel sad if you are only having a legal ceremony and they can't be there. You are an only child. Your DM probably feels as strongly about this as you do about feeling scared as you ARE her only baby. Do what you want ultimately but leave her space to have those deelings and listen sympathetically.

First of all OP, I think you should do what you want. But I think perhaps there's more to this than "mum is being unreasonable and PILs are not".

In this country, traditionally, weddings have both the religious and legal bit performed at the same time in churches. Obviously these days lots of people aren't religious, so if you lose that bit then the only bit left is the legal bit. That's why lots of people in this country care so much about the legal bit - that is the wedding!

In other countries, the legal part is one thing and the religious is another.

For British people who are religious but not Christian, the legal and religious bit might also be separate. For example, I have a Muslim friend who has been religiously married to her husband for a fair while - they've had their nikah but not the legal bit yet. They've just not got round to it yet! But for them and their families, the religious ceremony was the important bit, and they don't care much about the legal bit.

I have a different culturally Christian friend who married a Muslim man from a religiously Muslim country last year. Neither family wanted to travel for the wedding. No problem - they had a legal wedding in the U.K. for the Christian family, and then a nikah in the husband's home country. For the Muslim side of the family, the legal ceremony was totally unimportant and the nikah was their wedding. The British side of the family view the legal ceremony as the actual wedding.

Obviously I have no clue where your fiancé is from. I know I've just talked about Muslim friends, but it's relevant to lots of different religions and cultures. Could this be a factor in why it's important to your mum but not your PILs?

In truth, a lot of British people find it a bit daft to view anything but the day of the legal wedding as the wedding. I actually have an invitation on my fridge right now for a cousin's party who had a tiny registry office wedding in February. It says;

"X and X got married on XXX.

Please come and celebrate on XX/XX/XXXX at blah blah blah..."

In fairness, no one in our family minds not being invited to the actual wedding. We're excited to celebrate with them. But I do think a lot of the family would have rolled their eyes if they started calling the celebration their "wedding".

I can see why your mum is upset, but it is your life and your wedding so get married however you want to!

@CloudPop

What a bizarre set of responses. So basically people are saying you either (a) exclude your future MIL or (b) don't get married until such time as you can meet all of your mother's demands. What a load of rubbish. Your plans sounds eminently sensible to me.

This. Too many people who haven't read the thread (or even the original post.) Perhaps in an ideal world you'd do things differently but, in the situation you're in, your plan seems very sensible.

I'd just explain everything to your mother as clearly as you have here. You can always include vows in your celebrations to make it seem less "just a party".

You want to get married quickly before baby is born and have a big destination wedding. You can't do both, so you need to decide which is most important to you. My mum is the kindest, most lovely and understanding mum in the world. She would have been devastated if she was not there when I got married.

We got married just after DS1's first birthday. I am very glad that DH and I are married, but our wedding day was horrible. I really wish we had got married before he was born.

If you are worried about something happening to you or baby, then definitely get married before baby is born. It could make things more complicated if baby needs treatment and you are too unwell to give consent. Her father will not be able to consent until her birth has been registered.

We did something fairly similar. Our 'wedding' wasn't official but that was the important part for us to share with family and friends. We did exchange vows and so could you at the Blessing abroad.

Our 'marriage', as in the legal part, was with a couple of friends. When we mentioned going to a registry office to one of my brother's he stated that he'd want to be there. We didn't want that. The legal part was the least important part and took all of 5 minutes. We decided not to tell anyone when we did the official one - one friend did know, the other not until we arrived at the registry office.

My advice would be to stay quiet about any part you don't want opinions, requests or upset over. Just discuss the destination part with them.

BTW - all our parents were perfectly happy with our choices. And if they weren't, we're still blissfully ignorant!

@Minatrina thanks for explaining! It does explain why many brits were confused why my chinese banquet and solemnization were on different days! In my country, solemnization is just the legal bit and even though many people are not religious, they view the banquet with the gatecrash and the banquet and the tea ceremony as the 'wedding'. After I got legally married, people from my home country kept asking me, so when is your banquet? When are you wearing a white poofy dress? When are you serving me tea? Its why I decided to have a celebration eventually cos I think its nice to celebrate together with the family.

My MIL is religious so for her the wedding is the religious ceremony. And it takes years to convert to her religion (which I chose to do but years after the legal ceremony).

and don't discuss baby names with your mother
whole other can of worms.

Your mother (if she's married) got married the way she wanted. I suggest you get married the way you want too. Just don't give any more information and when she asks don't say anything apart from 'I don't want to discuss it'. That way you are not lying to her. At the end of the day it's your's and your DH's lives and you are entitled to do things the way you want.

I think it’s fine, OP. Your reasons are totally valid.
Lots of cultures do this - the legal bit isn’t treated the same as the ceremony.

[quote HangingRock25]@SleepingStandingUp I already said I was speaking about destination weddings IN GENERAL. And most destination weddings the bride and groom DON'T pay all expenses. This OP is quite rare in doing so.

In church weddings, oy the witnesses see the signing of the registry anyway.

Depends what country. In my country the wedding Certificate is often signed in front of everyone. No leaving the room for that. I really never understood why the UK does it where the Bride and Groom leave the room to sign some register. A bit strange, but, whatever, that's the point. Different countries have different customs and maybe they would have been signing the Marriage Certificate in front of everyone but won't now because it won't be the legal wedding.[/quote]
but even if its a destination wedding where you pay, you're paying to go and celebrate the union of their two lives / families in the way they choose. I find it crazy that literally the only thing that matters to you is the legal piece of paper. Presumably you'd be ok with paying all that money for them to just sign the piece of paper with minimum amount of ceremony / readings etc as its the LEGAL side that matters?

Due to the date you have chosen, your MIL will never be able to witness her son getting married.

Your mother could. It seems ridiculously cruel to deny her that.

I'm sure when you are a mother (and I wish you a safe and healthy pregnancy) then eventually the reality of your choice will hit you.

Further, if you feel confident that could could successfully totally exclude her from your wedding, then I'm sure you could stop her from wearing a hat / planning an afterparty with neighbours, etc.

Further, if you feel confident that you* could successfully totally exclude her...

If it's no big deal, I don't see why your mum can't come.

I can't believe some of the responses on here.
The OP has said how anxious she is and what a hard time she's had and some people are just being horrible! Why do people get so aggressive and mean over something which doesn't affect them? It's perfectly possible to disagree with someone without acting like it was a personal attack and jumping on someone who is already having a hard time!
Some of you should be ashamed.

I know you love your mum OP but I think you should listen to your dad. Do what is right for you and your fiance. You have already given in to the baby showers you didn't want.
I'm sorry for your losses and I hope everything goes well with your pregnancy and your baby girl arrives safely 💐💐

You said your in-laws understand it's just legal paperwork, so surely they won't care if your mum goes? It's the obvious solution. Your in laws aren't being excluded if they can't get there anyway

Your mum wants to be there when her only child gets officially married so I can understand why she's upset that this wont be happening. The best thing to do is to stop talking to her about any of it. She'll hopefully be over it by the time the wedding day comes next year. At the moment it is just too raw for her.

Do shat you like. But it does seem a very topsy turvy way of doing things. I wouldn't go to a fake wedding. Especially as mother of the bride. It would be totally pointless IMHO.

I understand what you want but the thing is I know a couple of married during covid so was really small with few ppl there. Groom was not a national so getting married also helped with visa things. They then planned and sent out save the dates for a wedding for exactly a year later. The reality is now they are legally married the push to to a wedding for everyone else just don't there so instead of the big do they planned it's just a casual bbq in a garden. Absolutely nothing wrong in anything they have done but priorities change. Once you have a baby money will be tighter and will you really want to do something that is for others when you are legally married. I understand your mums hurt she just wants to see you make those vows. It's your choice but you can't control how others feel about it. They have dreams of their own.

OP, you are getting some very strange replies on this thread.

I don't think Mumsnet is a great place to ask this sort of question, because there are a lot of people on here who for some bizarre reason get their knickers in a twist about the part with the registrar being the "real" wedding ceremony.

My husband and I got legally married about 10 months before our church wedding. We did it for legal reasons. Although both our sets of parents did attend the town hall part, most of our friends did not, and that was never supposed to be the real wedding celebration for us. Our proper wedding celebration involved a church ceremony, vows, readings, hymns, photos, dinner and dancing...in short, all the things you would expect from a wedding.

I don't even know which of our wedding guests knew we were already legally married and which of them didn't (quite a few of them but probably not all), or whether anyone who didn't realise beforehand figured it out on the day. As far as we were concerned it was a total non issue, and certainly nobody has ever said anything to us about it. We also got married abroad (which is where we both live), so yes, half our guests travelled abroad for our non legal wedding.

As for the issue with your mum, that's more tricky.

Have you explained it to her the same way you did to us in this thread? That as far as you're concerned, the wedding you have planned, abroad, with your vows and celebration, will be your "real" wedding, but you want to get the legal part done before your baby is born in case the worst should happen?

In your position I probably would let your mum attend the registry office if it's really important to her, but don't do anything to celebrate afterwards. That way, your mum gets to be there to witness it, but your in laws won't be missing much.

Could that be a suitable compromise?

I think it's easy to understand why you feel the way you feel, and it's also easy to understand why your mother would be upset. I would be too in her position, no matter how much I would support my daughter's decision. The thing is, you can't make her un-upset. I feel like you're hoping that if others see your choices as rational and defensible, then it will be somehow unreasonable that your mother's upset and this will solve things - but it won't, of course. Really, all you can do is do it the way you want, and just accept that she will be upset. I know you love her and it's important to you to feel like you're a good person - you are, but you can't have everything. Stop talking to her about it and expecting her to come round, she clearly can't manage actual happiness about your choices. It's a shame there's no perfect compromise here that will make everyone happy, but just own your choices and leave her be. Have a lovely day.

@HangingRock25

The registry is the real wedding, and even if something did happen to your daughter, your real wedding would be marred by it. Those who don't see the legal vows as the real wedding generally are only wanting a wedding for the party, not the actual marriage. Quite often these people seem to have destination weddings. On average, the marriages last a year or 2 years at most.

The legal vows IS the real wedding. If you don't respect this, don't get married.

This is absolute nonsense.

People who get legally married before their wedding celebration (particularly those who do it quite a long time before) are doing it because they can't have the wedding celebration they want right now, but they want to get the legal bit done sooner, for, er, legal reasons.

Clearly they want to be married, not just have a party. But they want to have a party as well. And that is fine.