to not tell anyone about my ‘legal wedding’?

[ShotgunSummerWedding]

I should be so happy, but I’m so upset by my family’s reaction. I know MN is usually well in favour of the married couple to be doing whatever they wish, but just really want to vent and hear some similar stories. I want to preface this by saying I am my parents only child.

Me and my fiancé are due to welcome our baby girl in June after miscarriages and general misery. This pregnancy is going well and I am feeling a bit more hopeful each day that we will meet her. We really wanted to be married and have a lovely small family wedding before DC, but the first pregnancy was unplanned and stuck us on the TTC treadmill as we tried to regain what we had lost. We thankfully have, and now marriage is back on the cards. Before it stopped being a priority as the only thing I cared about was being pregnant again.

Now I am and we definitely want to get married before the baby is born. First and foremost, we want to be a legal family and cement that before she is here. Practically, we are also worried about the medical aspects of not being each other’s next of kin (particularly if anything goes wrong at birth). My partner is also a foreign national and if we are not married at birth it is notoriously difficult for her to get his citizenship without a lot of paperwork and expense. Financially too, he is worried about me being a SAHM and not having the legal protections of marriage, particularly if he died before we planned a wedding.

So we booked a registry office for next month and have given notice to marry. This would be our ‘legal’ wedding in jeans and trainers, just tick off all of the above. Our witnesses will be two friends. No one else.

I don’t want family there because I am still not very well and I’m terrified that something will happen to my baby. If my family are there then that ceremony becomes my wedding day and it will be forever tainted. Also, my fiancé’s family are not able to travel at the moment and I do not want my MIL and FIL to feel excluded. This ceremony is our legal protection together. Nothing more.

We do want a wedding though. Next year we are then going to take our family and friends on a destination wedding blessing next year and have bridesmaids, a cake, speeches and a nice party. When I am hopefully happier and in a better mental place after my daughter arriving safely.

I told my mother my plans (not set dates, just intentions) and she was furious and unkind. She is usually a lovely, non-toxic person. In her eyes, the vows are the most important thing and she is will be heartbroken if she doesn’t see them. She told me that if I am just going to see my marriage as a piece of paper, then I may as well bin my engagement ring and get a plastic one

She eventually calmed down and sent me a text saying that she was sad, but I needed to do what was right for my family. I though this was her blessing and tried to talk to her a little more ‘would you like to know when we book somewhere?’ ‘Would you like pictures?’ but she quickly got angry and asked to be there. I explained all of the above, and she still didn’t get it and pulled faces. I have tried to get her excited about our ceremony next year, asking about bridesmaid’s dresses and planning dress shopping, but she rolled her eyes and said if my destination wedding guest list was so small then there was no point.

I’m at a loss of what to do. She keeps asking me about it but everything I say upsets her. I’m currently in the mindset that I want to just say “we’re not doing that because of how you have acted” but just go and do it anyway. And to tell no one. This is actually what my dad has advised…

But it just feels so untruthful I’m so excited to be married and this just feels like something else (like my pregnancy) that has been ruined.

@Teeturtle don’t worry I doubt anyone would invite you! I was obviously referring to people who intend to live in U.K and are just nipping abroad to get married, not people who aren’t English getting married in their native country

I went to another friends “blessing” in U.K. where they had got married abroad in the country the bride was from a year earlier but grooms family were keen to have a party in U.K. as well. Absolutely no one gave a shit that it was “just” a blessing we just had great food and great fun. Even heard some lovely vows. Anyone who wanted to prioritise annual leave elsewhere was not obliged to come!

@ShotgunSummerWedding so sorry you’re getting an awful time here, people done understand.
Your plans sound perfect and lovely. So many people will have attended weddings where the legal bit was the day or month before and it’s not an issue. Many people have a few ceremonies based on religion or wanting to get married in France etc. my friends had the registry bit so they could get married in their garden the following week. M
You don’t even have to say vows, you can opt for the 2min non vow option, they are used to it.

Completely understand why you don’t want the wedding whilst you are pregnant and a destination wedding is fine as you are paying for everything. You sound really lovely.

Don’t say vows at your registry and then you an tell your mum your vows are for yo wedding. Of course in yo he situation you want to be legally married.

So many people during covid had weddings just them in the hospital to make sure this was sorted etc.

Your wedding is for you not your mum. All those saying they would be devastated to not see their kids marked are weird

If everyone knows it’s a blessing (and all but your mother are happy), who are the people in your title you don’t want to tell?

It’s a bit of a dick move not inviting your mom to your legal wedding and then talking to her about it.

Either you want her involved or you don’t.

If you don’t, just stop talking about it.

Of course none of the guests for the destination party have complained to you, your paying for a holiday for them, why would they

It’s a shame you told your mother at all about the legal wedding, given your later posts that she is usually overbearing and rides roughshod over your boundaries.

Your dad has advised you to just go ahead and say no more about it. I think that’s best.

Stop talking to her about anything to do with the legal wedding. Stop talking to her about the wedding abroad for now too. Just get the legal protection, focus on your baby and then talk about wedding stuff again later in the year.

When you become a mother yourself you’re going to need to draw healthy boundaries so get practising.

Too late now but a civil partnership would have been better. No vows, just two witnesses and then all the legal stuff would have been covered with no mention of a wedding or marriage. Then get married and have the day that you and everybody else wants.

[quote ShotgunSummerWedding]@HangingRock25 This really isn’t a matter of nationalism and patriotism

I support England in the football if that makes you feel better?[/quote]
I'd ignore the over reactions by people like Hanging Rock. Getting married I na different country doesn't mean you don't like the country you live in 😂

I'd just get the legal one done. Personally I'd tell Mom she could come but make it clear it's to witness a legal ceremony and there will be no fanfare.

Those who don't see the legal vows as the real wedding generally are only wanting a wedding for the party, not the actual marriage. you can perfectly respect the legal side without feeling that that signing the piece of paper is more emotionally important than making your vows and commitments in front of loved ones.

My younger sister and her DH had a Registry office wedding one Friday and told family that weekend. They really just didn't want any fuss. Mum was heartbroken and Dad pissed off because he likes a party. I thought it was great but knew DS wouldn't be able to withstand the guilt trip.
They ended up having a church blessing and a massive family & friend's party. 🙄
My parents have never been able to manipulate me like they do my older and younger sister, I don't know why that is.
Stop talking to your Mum about the wedding as it's just distressing for both of you and just move on with your plans, as they are the best thing for you, your baby and your DH. Ignore all the posters on here who say your Mum's feelings should take priority. They don't. All that matters is you.
Hope everything goes well for you.

[quote desiringonlychild2022]@Seemssounfair I had my 'wedding banquet' several years after my legal marriage and all my relatives knew that I had done the solemnization before hand. Actually most people in my country have the solemnization done separately from the banquet. We had a tea ceremony for the older guests which is culturally quite important. my relatives treated it as a wedding. I am having a religious wedding separately (now I couldn't do this for my legal marriage as I wasn't Jewish then, and you must be jewish to have a Jewish wedding).

For international couples, I think it can be quite difficult balancing practicalities and the same rules can't apply. What matters is that the couple are in love and want to be together, whether today is the day they got married or not.[/quote]
Your guests were fully informed and knew what they were invited too and made decisions on whether they wished to go to the expense to attend. Totally different from ops question on whether to lie to her guests to manipulate them to attend.

Do the legal bit now. It doesn't matter what your DM wants. Just stop talking about it with her and do what you need to do.

My DD got married about 18 months ago. We didn't go because DSiL was worried that his parents would cause trouble so they kept the wedding to just them plus witnesses.

I didn't get upset because it was their wedding not mine.

@HangingRock25

I would be incandescent if I spent my time and money attending a destination wedding that proved to be no more than a dress up party for a vain couple.

Exactly, it really is taking the piss, especially when people have to apply for annual leave, and fork out thousands for travel, accommodation, plus a gift, plus spending money, plus outfits,

Firstly, op has made it REPEATEDLY clear they're covering all costs.

Secondly, if I wanted to get married in X country but for practical reasons did the legal paperwork beforehand but intended to do the traditional dress, rolls, make our vows, exchange rings etc in X country and people declared it was a waste of their time to be there because it didn't matter enough to them, that's fine, I'd assume I didn't matter enough to them and I'd invite someone else.

I don't think birthday parties are pointless because I wasn't at the birth. Or refuse to go to anniversary parties because you got married 50 years ago.

In church weddings, oy the witnesses see the signing of the registry anyway as you do off to the side. So it isn't ever like there'd anything to see. You'll literally experience nothing different apart from ten minutes of hold music whilst they go off with their witnesses to do something secret

Could you maybe have a civil ceremony now to make everything legal and give you security. And then get marriage and have the marriage ceremony as planned.

How many times do PPs on Mumsnet say that a marriage is a legal set up for the protection of both parties?

The father of your child with whom you are in a relationship should be your legal next of kin at the birth!

Surely your mother would want you to have all the legal benefits of marriage asap as you prepare for the birth of her grandchild?
Is she eager to ensure your DP might have future problems getting citizenship?
I guess she wants to be your next of kin, not your DP.
Would she look after you if you were a SAHM & your DP died before a marriage?

In all honesty, it wouldn't be great if one set of parents went to the registry office & the others couldn't so don't even consider that option.
Do the legal bit now & have a party with everyone later.

It's your life & you're trying to sort legal things out on a short time limit & it's something that you feel you need at this time.
Your family will just have to get over themselves. Dumping guilt & hissy fits on you isn't going to help you when you're vulnerable so don't talk about it, just do it.

Op, it's your and your OH's wedding and marriage, not anyone else's. You have your reasons for wanting to have the legal ceremony before your baby is born (congratulations BTW) and they are sound.

Your DM is of course very important in your life and I can understand wanting to keep her happy but she needs to understand that this is your life and your choices.

Do what is best for you, your OH and your baby.

And best wishes for your wedding, your baby and your marriage!

@SleepingStandingUp I already said I was speaking about destination weddings IN GENERAL. And most destination weddings the bride and groom DON'T pay all expenses. This OP is quite rare in doing so.

In church weddings, oy the witnesses see the signing of the registry anyway.

Depends what country. In my country the wedding Certificate is often signed in front of everyone. No leaving the room for that. I really never understood why the UK does it where the Bride and Groom leave the room to sign some register. A bit strange, but, whatever, that's the point. Different countries have different customs and maybe they would have been signing the Marriage Certificate in front of everyone but won't now because it won't be the legal wedding.

I can see your reasoning and I'm very sorry for all you have endured and am wishing you the very best for the future. Your inlaws seem to be very understanding while it's upsetting your mum. Maybe explain to your inlaws how much it means to your mother to be there for the legal part of the ceremony as from that date your officially married. Of course its your choice and you need to do what's right for you. I made changes to my wedding for my mother's sake and I'm so glad I did as it made her so happy.

Ignore all the batshit posters crying 'but it's your weeeddddiiiinngg'.

What you are doing is fair and reasoned. In reality lots of people have separate legal and 'celebration' weddings for all kinds of reasons relating to the legal restrictions on where you can be married being incompatible with religion/geographical location of family etc.

Your Mum's throwing a strop, I'd just leave her be to calm down and forget about wedding talk with her for now. If she asks you I'd just say that you don't want to talk about it with her because every time you do she upsets you and you don't need any additional stress at the moment. Keep repeating that until after the baby is born.

She needs to realise that this isn't about her.

If I'm feeling generous, if she's normally kind and supportive, perhaps this is her anxiety about you being pregnant and unwell rearing its head - but even so she needs to deal with that herself, that's not your problem to manage.

I'd just leave any kind of wedding chat - either the legal or the celebration with her until after the baby is born. My guess would be that once the baby is born she'll just be excited about the new baby and calm down somewhat.

And no, you don't need to tell anyone the details of the legal bit, they all know that you will be legally married beforehand, you could tell them when you've done it if you want, or just those you trust to be supportive and not tell your Mum if you're worried she might try to turn up or something.

Oh and best wishes for the remainder of your pregnancy.

We had friends that did this - the mother was so demanding that the bride and groom invited friends (only 4 couples) to an engagement weekend away which was actually the wedding, they then had the blessing wedding 3 months later - the mother has never known that that wasn't the real wedding x

I think the mistake you made was telling your DM at all. Keep it quiet, just do the formal paper work and don't teary to include her in something she will find upsetting. There's no need for photos of you doing what is essentially paperwork wearing trainers.

Just talk to your DM about the celebration part, and and the baby etc. - talk to her about what she is included in, not what she's excluded from. It's not worth hurting her just so you feel your tried to be nice to her.

OP we did this, a registry office (normal clothes, went on the bus etc) then religious wedding the following year. My mother was really nasty about it but she’s a really difficult person, she’s been like that all my life. There is literally nothing we could have done to make her happy so we did it our way. No regrets. Rephrase it as ‘appointment to tie up some legal matters and also, next year, we’re getting married’. Because that’s what it is.

I would stop talking about it and do what your dad suggested. But bear in mind that decisions have consequences, some better some worse and we have to accept that. I am with your mum in that the real wedding is the legal one, the other is a fluffy party, but that said, I would respect your idea of jeans and a can of beer (0.0 alcohol in your case!). I wish you all the best for the birth of your baby.

The destination bit - as long as those attending are aware it's not a legal ceremony who cares.

If you were paying for me I'd accept to go celebrate your big toe!

Could a compromise for the registry wedding be broadcasting it over zoom for both parents? I'm not sure if that's allowed.

While yes it would be lovely if your mother could see you get married but life doesn't always work out how we want it. You could easily choose not to get married - my sister and I both have so my parents don't get to celebrate any of their children weddings and it does not bother them.

The fact that everyone who attending the blessing is aware means you are telling people that a legal wedding has occured, just maybe not the details - so you are completely in the clear for that

The fact your MIL wants a photo of you signing the registry means she does view this as your wedding/marriage - but she's happy not attending as she'll get to be part of the CELEBRATION (which I assume is what she feels she missed with her daughter)

For your mother it's important she witnesses it - in some ways this probably differs to your MIL because the MIL KNOWS she can't - due to illness and distance, so she can accept that.

You say your mother would dress up and go over the top and thats what you don't want - could you maybe ring her, not mention it's for the legal wedding and suggest meeting to go shopping/for coffee next Wednesday - when she turns up in normal clothes, go to the registry office, sign the paperwork - take the photo for your MIL, your mother attended so she's happy but didn't get the chance to take over or make a fuss - so that may be a compromise you are happy with

Well if everyone attending is fully aware that it’s a blessing not a wedding, then of course that’s fine, but in that case why have you titled your thread the way you have? You’ve already told everyone.

I'm pregnant, and I'm soon to marry my partner in a legal ceremony ahead of an upcoming booked wedding celebration (minus a registrar as there were none for months and months because of Covid backlog, which we discovered after securing our venue). My partner is another religion and is used to the legal ceremony being done on another day/on the down low, but I've struggled with it and found it a bit upsetting at first TBH. But I've come round to his way of thinking because he's right - the family do which we plan and make nice is our real wedding. We told my parents. Not sure they really get it, but thry haven't been upset. Just a bit mystified. They kind of got it when we explained it as being something our side of the family doesn't normally have to deal with as we'd do a church wedding. They are sworn to secrecy. Ha! I guess what I'm saying is, as per a PP or two, just tell your mum you've changed your mind. Then do it anyway. Do the paperwork ceremony, and crack on and enjoy your own real wedding day in the future. I intend to tell nobody else that the wedding they come to isn't "real". Because it is. It's our day to celebrate with everyone. It's not worth the stress, and we have babies to think of