to not tell anyone about my ‘legal wedding’?

[ShotgunSummerWedding]

I should be so happy, but I’m so upset by my family’s reaction. I know MN is usually well in favour of the married couple to be doing whatever they wish, but just really want to vent and hear some similar stories. I want to preface this by saying I am my parents only child.

Me and my fiancé are due to welcome our baby girl in June after miscarriages and general misery. This pregnancy is going well and I am feeling a bit more hopeful each day that we will meet her. We really wanted to be married and have a lovely small family wedding before DC, but the first pregnancy was unplanned and stuck us on the TTC treadmill as we tried to regain what we had lost. We thankfully have, and now marriage is back on the cards. Before it stopped being a priority as the only thing I cared about was being pregnant again.

Now I am and we definitely want to get married before the baby is born. First and foremost, we want to be a legal family and cement that before she is here. Practically, we are also worried about the medical aspects of not being each other’s next of kin (particularly if anything goes wrong at birth). My partner is also a foreign national and if we are not married at birth it is notoriously difficult for her to get his citizenship without a lot of paperwork and expense. Financially too, he is worried about me being a SAHM and not having the legal protections of marriage, particularly if he died before we planned a wedding.

So we booked a registry office for next month and have given notice to marry. This would be our ‘legal’ wedding in jeans and trainers, just tick off all of the above. Our witnesses will be two friends. No one else.

I don’t want family there because I am still not very well and I’m terrified that something will happen to my baby. If my family are there then that ceremony becomes my wedding day and it will be forever tainted. Also, my fiancé’s family are not able to travel at the moment and I do not want my MIL and FIL to feel excluded. This ceremony is our legal protection together. Nothing more.

We do want a wedding though. Next year we are then going to take our family and friends on a destination wedding blessing next year and have bridesmaids, a cake, speeches and a nice party. When I am hopefully happier and in a better mental place after my daughter arriving safely.

I told my mother my plans (not set dates, just intentions) and she was furious and unkind. She is usually a lovely, non-toxic person. In her eyes, the vows are the most important thing and she is will be heartbroken if she doesn’t see them. She told me that if I am just going to see my marriage as a piece of paper, then I may as well bin my engagement ring and get a plastic one

She eventually calmed down and sent me a text saying that she was sad, but I needed to do what was right for my family. I though this was her blessing and tried to talk to her a little more ‘would you like to know when we book somewhere?’ ‘Would you like pictures?’ but she quickly got angry and asked to be there. I explained all of the above, and she still didn’t get it and pulled faces. I have tried to get her excited about our ceremony next year, asking about bridesmaid’s dresses and planning dress shopping, but she rolled her eyes and said if my destination wedding guest list was so small then there was no point.

I’m at a loss of what to do. She keeps asking me about it but everything I say upsets her. I’m currently in the mindset that I want to just say “we’re not doing that because of how you have acted” but just go and do it anyway. And to tell no one. This is actually what my dad has advised…

But it just feels so untruthful I’m so excited to be married and this just feels like something else (like my pregnancy) that has been ruined.

What a sad shame for your mum. I too would be so upset. One day when your daughter get’s married you will realise how much you hurt her and it will be too late.

You have made up your mind and you haven’t taken on board anyones advice. Do what you like; it’s your wedding but you will live to regret it.

Firstly, I’m not going to explain my anxiety around loss to people who ‘don’t understand it’. How lovely for you. If something goes wrong and I the memory of my hair done and maternity wedding dress on and pictures and mum crying at my registry office then I will forever despise that memory and not be able to look back on it. I know from looking back on old times of me being pregnant before. If my mum comes it won’t be low key. She won’t be happy with me in jeans. She will wear a big hat and demand the neighbours come to the dinner afterwards. It’s not as simple as ‘just have her as a witness’- she will want to turn it into a wedding day with all of the trappings that pp have said don’t matter.

I think something that has got lost in this is that there is another mother, recovering from cancer surgery who had her other child elope. My DP is her only child whose wedding she will attend.

This mother has completely understood our reasons and is looking forward to the blessing and party next year once she is better. She has asked for photos of us signing the paper!

However, she will be heartbroken if my family attend and she does not. Particularly as my mum will turn the registry office ceremony into a huge wedding.

Call it what you like but the registry office bit is your wedding and I would be upset if my dd said she didn't want me there.

@ShotgunSummerWedding

Just because to clarify- people are getting distracted with the destination wedding.

This is how we always wanted to get married.
The country is meaningful to us.
This was the plan before the miscarriages.
This is how we want to get married.
We are paying for everything, I mean everything.

Please don’t derail saying this shouldn’t happen- this is how our wedding has always wanted to be and our parents have known about this.

Unfortunately baby loss hell hasn’t made me want to chuck on my sunglasses and Panama hat and get going.

I won’t be able to enjoy anything until my daughter is here safely.

Doesn't the country you live in mean anything to you, either? Isn't your own country good enough for you? Why can't you have the wedding in your country, and go to the other country for the honeymoon? Like normal people do. I just think destination weddings are shallow and extremely selfish, and most people share that view and roll their eyes at these destination weddings. I am proud of my country and would want to get married in my country with my family and friends. Also easier for all the paperwork. Other countries are what honeymoons were designed for.

And it won’t be the happiest day of my life at the registry office sadly. I’ll be doped on sertraline.

But we want to be married before this baby.

I think something that has got lost in this is that there is another mother, recovering from cancer surgery who had her other child elope. My DP is her only child whose wedding she will attend.

So neither will attend their childs wedding because 1 cant
That is just bonkers logic.

Not inviting your mother doesnt make it better for his mother who isnt attending and wont see her child married.

Seems like you want to penalise your mother because she doesnt have cancer.

The registry is the real wedding, and even if something did happen to your daughter, your real wedding would be marred by it. Those who don't see the legal vows as the real wedding generally are only wanting a wedding for the party, not the actual marriage. Quite often these people seem to have destination weddings. On average, the marriages last a year or 2 years at most.

The legal vows IS the real wedding. If you don't respect this, don't get married.

@HangingRock25 This really isn’t a matter of nationalism and patriotism

I support England in the football if that makes you feel better?

Jesus, @HangingRock25 - I'm not sure there would ever be any need for that vitriol about something as trivial an issue as where a couple get married (particularly given that clearly they're from different countries in the first place) but OP is pregnant and suffering from anxiety after loss, what possessed you to deliver that rant in that situation?

I got married to DH just us and 2 friends. We were moving abroad and did it for legal protection. (20 years ago) we did it, never regretted it. I love my parents. They were cool. We had a leaving party with loads of family and a wedding cake! This worked for us but we were very sure and confident. There was no question we were having a 'wedding' ever. We told them we were doing it but not when. Then we didn't talk about it with them again. We love them. We didn't want to hurt their feelings.

We eloped. My mother absolutely lost her shit and hasn’t spoken to me since. Honestly, the trash took itself out. The people that love you will be happy for you

I would like to think OP has a better relationship with her Mum than you clearly do with yours, calling her trash. Most parents who have a good relationship with their child would be very hurt if they didnt get to be at their wedding.

I also don't really understand all this 'it's much more important that your mum is there than his because you're her daughter and she'll have dreamed of your wedding day since your birth' - have I stepped into 1952 and not noticed?

It's clear you don't think you're being unreasonable so I'm not sure what purpose this thread will serve to you.

At the end of the day your mum is just as entitled to her feelings as you are. She's quite understandably sad to be missing your wedding but given you're not open to accepting her feelings I'd stop talking to her about the wedding. You know she wants to be there so repeatedly bringing it up is like poking the hornets nest, it's almost like you're doing it because you are happy she keeps reacting.

Ultimately the only people who decide anything about your relationship is you and your partner and that is how it should be OP.

However, in your mums position i would be absolutely heartbroken. And thinking long term, which anniversary do you celebrate?

Destinations weddings/parties are quite polarising, no opinion is right or wrong, but i would gently suggest as money isn't an issue, that you spend a lot of it on your mental health. For slightly different reasons i know what its like to go through a pregnancy (two actually) frightened to believe it is real, convinced it is a dream and will go wrong, marking off every successful week of being pregnant- but you need to allow yourself to make happy memories along the way. Whether you like it or not the first ceremony WILL be your wedding day and even if the worst happens, you should be able to look back on it as a day you were truly there for one another, celebrating how strong your relationship is- even in the worst times happy memories can be made.

I hope no relationships are damaged permanently and your MIL is recovering well. Sounds like your whole family is going through the mill atm.

@ShotgunSummerWedding but you're still eloping and your MIL won't see the actual wedding anyway? Just the party.

So why would it matter if your Mum was there?

I've got an overseas wedding in a few weeks and they couple have already had a low key registry office wedding and are pretending the party is their actual wedding day.

It's a fun holiday for me, but I do think it's a bit much asking people to travel (more so when it's only 14 actually) for a pretend wedding. Money not an issue in their case either.

I think I just need to clarify a few things before I likely disappear for this thread for a few hours.

My mother cares very much about cake and bridesmaids and all of the things that the posters say ‘don’t matter’. She loves events. Loves glam. Loves all of the extras. Will love the destination wedding. She has already taken over and planned me two baby showers with balloon arches and cupcake towers when I have clearly said I that I don’t want them because of my anxiety. I have gone along with this because it’s the dreams for her first grandchild and it makes her happy.

The registry office will end up the same. It really won’t be ‘all about the vows’. I will be guilted into getting my hair done and buying a dress and then it will be, “oh- just have a few members of family over for a party afterwards” and then suddenly there will be a garden marquee and a wedding cake. She will not listen to me. If I put my foot down, she’ll be angry at me for that because it won’t be instagrammable enough for her friends.

Then, there will be a wedding that MIL is excluded from because she is I’ll. I do see this as a problem despite other posters claiming I’m batshit to take her feelings into consideration She is the mother of the man I love and has raised a kind and wonderful son.

I love my mum so much and I really didn’t want to be in this situation, but life didn’t work out as planned.

I think there's a deeper underlying issue here, what's your relationship like with your Mum generally? Is it a difficult one?

I think you have very valid and very real fears surrounded the safety of your pregnancy. Is it a high risk pregnancy at all?
I think everyone understands that your pregnancy related fear.
What I can't understand is this thinking in your head that IF your Mum attends your wedding (vows ARE the wedding) and you lose your baby, that loss will be attributed to your 'wedding day' and you don't want that. This is the part people can't understand.

Have you considered getting some professional support with your fears?

If you lose your baby, whatever day that is, your loss will be your loss and won't change that you were pregnant, whether it happens on your birthday, a random Tuesday or your wedding day.

I feel perhaps you're deflecting and or shielding yourself by using your DP's Mum, the pregnancy and that the day is only 'legal protection' and not your wedding day all as reasons to not have your Mum attend.

I speak with empathy as someone who has suffered 4 miscarriages, most recently in March with no heartbeat found exactly 3 days after my beautiful wedding.

You sound very set in your thinking and you're not remotely open to other views so I'm not really sure why you posted.

Everyone piling in to criticise ops destination blessing- why? It’s not relevant and I wouldn’t really give a shit where the legal bits happened if my friend invited me to a wedding. A long weekend totally paid for in a lovely place for a happy celebration? Sign me up! Isn’t it pretty common for people who get “married” abroad to do the legal bits in U.K. to avoid all the complications of having a legal agreement made in a foreign country?

I would just go quiet on your legal wedding with your mum. If she asks about it say you don’t want to talk about it because you don’t want to fall out with her anymore.

But your fiancé’s mother won’t be attending the wedding. There cannot be a destination wedding a year after your marriage. It will be a celebration, a blessing, but not a wedding. You might find people don’t show much interest in the party, that’s the risk you’re taking, and your mother has made her views clear.

I understand why you would want to be legally married now, of course, I’d feel the same. But you can’t really have it both ways. If you want to be married, it’s time to choose head over heart.

Oh my god some times MN is bonkers! Some of the comments here are insane, especially to someone who up front has said she's struggling with anxiety over her current pregnancy.

Op look this is one thing you can't win. You can do what works for you and your DP. But it simple won't be something your DM will be happy about or possibly accept. That's shite but reality.You have told her the plans, you don't need to do more. Trying to fudge it by telling her little bits of it, like place and dates etc is just going to infuriate her, which will stress you and spoil things. I think you need to accept you won't win this one and just low-key do what is right for you. That might make you sad she can't accept your ideas, but she is completely within her rights to not do so.

As for your wedding/celebration next year, you've made your plans - again thats fine, your choice. You can invite people and then leave it up to them to come or not come. Just as when your Sister in Law eloped and your PIL were upset, some people will disagree with your plans and even people who previously agreed with them (because for some the plans have changed by the nature of getting legally married before), and decide that now they will not go. Thats their decision, just as you can decide on how you want to do things, they can decide to disagree.

@Lux523

I think there's a deeper underlying issue here, what's your relationship like with your Mum generally? Is it a difficult one?

I think you have very valid and very real fears surrounded the safety of your pregnancy. Is it a high risk pregnancy at all?
I think everyone understands that your pregnancy related fear.
What I can't understand is this thinking in your head that IF your Mum attends your wedding (vows ARE the wedding) and you lose your baby, that loss will be attributed to your 'wedding day' and you don't want that. This is the part people can't understand.

Have you considered getting some professional support with your fears?

If you lose your baby, whatever day that is, your loss will be your loss and won't change that you were pregnant, whether it happens on your birthday, a random Tuesday or your wedding day.

I feel perhaps you're deflecting and or shielding yourself by using your DP's Mum, the pregnancy and that the day is only 'legal protection' and not your wedding day all as reasons to not have your Mum attend.

I speak with empathy as someone who has suffered 4 miscarriages, most recently in March with no heartbeat found exactly 3 days after my beautiful wedding.

You sound very set in your thinking and you're not remotely open to other views so I'm not really sure why you posted.

I love my mother very much I desperately want to make her happy which is why I tend to go along with what she wants.

All of my reasons are valid and not deflection.

I am receiving heavy mental health support and take medication. My mum doesn’t understand how I am feeling and frequently tells me ‘stop worrying’, hence the two baby showers that I didn’t want.

Whatever you call it the legal bit is your wedding. The party is a party. It's not really the same. Your mum isn't invited to her only daughters wedding. She has every right to be sad. I would be. She's also going to be sad at your party when she remembers she wasn't invited to your wedding. It makes it worse that two friends are invited over her.

This!

Yanbu at all to have the legal marriage done quietly and privately and totally separate from the celebration which can certainly be a year later.

I think you would be better getting two random strangers (off the street, or an appeal for mumsnetters in the area) rather than two friends as it is reasonable for your mum to feel hurt that your friends get to be there and she can't.

Otherwise you are fine to do what works for you. Don't discuss it any further with your mum until the deed is done.

@Aberration

Everyone piling in to criticise ops destination blessing- why? It’s not relevant and I wouldn’t really give a shit where the legal bits happened if my friend invited me to a wedding. A long weekend totally paid for in a lovely place for a happy celebration? Sign me up! Isn’t it pretty common for people who get “married” abroad to do the legal bits in U.K. to avoid all the complications of having a legal agreement made in a foreign country?

I would just go quiet on your legal wedding with your mum. If she asks about it say you don’t want to talk about it because you don’t want to fall out with her anymore.

@Aberration

A long weekend totally paid for in a lovely place for a happy celebration?

Except it's not usually 'totally paid for' , the guests often have to pay hundreds if not thousands in airfares and hotel accommodation alone.

Isn’t it pretty common for people who get “married” abroad to do the legal bits in U.K. to avoid all the complications of having a legal agreement made in a foreign country?

No, it isn't. And if it were, it would defeat the whole purpose of the destination wedding.

Op I would stop reading this thread. Sometimes people just like to put the boot in.

Do whatever is best for your mental health.