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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be expected to work part time now that I am a mum

347 replies

Hollie93 · 10/04/2022 10:59

So, DH earns more money than me so we made a decision for me to drop my hours to facilitate child care. However, I am becoming resentful that he is able to do well in his career and mine hasn’t even started. I think what I need is other mums telling me they held off too , at least until youngest child started school? I’m early 30’s so not a spring chicken haha!..I now have a much clearer idea of what my chosen career is and will be able to achieve it working part time whilst kids are at school as I’ll need to retrain?

OP posts:
LampLighter414 · 10/04/2022 11:06

Go to work then and put your child in nursery?

Orangutanteddy · 10/04/2022 11:07

Me and my dh both work full time and pay for childcare. You don't have to work part time, surely.

Xmassprout · 10/04/2022 11:08

Lots of people put their children in full time childcare so they can work full time. You don't have to go part time just because you're a mum, that's your choice to make.

My husband and I work opposite shifts so we pay for minimal childcare

Shinyandnew1 · 10/04/2022 11:09

If you are becoming resentful, that’s not good. You can work full time and use childcare.

Your email suggests your husband has a career, but you don’t-have you never worked? What is it that you want to do?

JazzHandsYeah · 10/04/2022 11:10

Talk to your DH if you’re changing your mind.

We both worked full time and had wrap around care for DD’s.
Being a mum doesn’t mean you have to work part time or not have a career.

HardyBuckette · 10/04/2022 11:12

Is there an alternative that you'd prefer? Any possibility of doing some of the retraining now, around the DC, if it's exam based? Appreciate this won't work if you would have to be doing placements and stuff.

NorthSouthcatlady · 10/04/2022 11:14

Work full time then

LittleAtlas · 10/04/2022 11:14

I dropped one day and do 34 hours over the 4 days. Could you do longer hours over less days?

DS goes to nursery a couple of afternoons and the rest of the time with my parents. I'm happy to do 4 days but didn't want to do any less than that. I didn't feel resentful of DH but I did feel a bit annoyed that everyone expected me to drop hours and not him. Even people that didn't know whether he earned more than me or not asked whether I'd be going part time like its a given.

MoggyP · 10/04/2022 11:15

It can be easier to find FT childcare before school age.

As long as your DC is well cared for during your working hours, go for it

Unsureaboutit9 · 10/04/2022 11:15

Work full time then, of course you can hold off but you will be further behind so if you aren't happy with that, do it now!

Shinyandnew1 · 10/04/2022 11:16

What’s the training?

Original poster
Hollie93 · 10/04/2022 11:16

I do work, I work 24 hours per week but feel
I’ve been shoved in this position as my DH earns double what I earn and more so my wages wouldn’t even pay for full time childcare!

OP posts:
Original poster
Hollie93 · 10/04/2022 11:17

Plus, you don’t get offered promotions when you are part time

OP posts:
WalkingOnSonshine · 10/04/2022 11:18

What did you do before you had kids? What are you looking to retrain in?

Ultimately it’s about what works for you as a family. If you can’t afford for you to work part time and retrain, then so be it.

You’re hardly going to be in a better position to do it if you split up just on this issue.

Unsureaboutit9 · 10/04/2022 11:20

Unfortunately it’s a case of you can’t have it all, frustrating as it is. You won’t profit financially from working full time right now but your career will do long term you benefit much more. However your OP says you can retrain part time, so it doesn’t look like you need to wait until DC are in school anyway?

theremustonlybeone · 10/04/2022 11:20

Your wages wouldn’t need to pay for childcare. That’s a joint responsibility why do you think it is for you to cover?

MoiraNotRuby · 10/04/2022 11:21

OP, I regret putting my career 2nd to my now ex DH's. If I could turn back time I would have made different decisions. My advice is to make your career equal priority.

ancientgran · 10/04/2022 11:22

@Hollie93

Plus, you don’t get offered promotions when you are part time
That isn't true. I worked part time for some years, childcare and carer for disabled DH, and got promoted more than once.
Original poster
Hollie93 · 10/04/2022 11:24

My youngest starts full time school next September so I have booked onto an access course this September and will start my degree next year if all goes well?

OP posts:
puddleduck234 · 10/04/2022 11:25

Working part time has helped in my career. I finally have time to do some training courses and CPD without stressing. Currently doing a leadership and management level 6. Could you do some online courses while your part time so when your able to go back full time your options are open?

Lou98 · 10/04/2022 11:25

@Hollie93

I do work, I work 24 hours per week but feel I’ve been shoved in this position as my DH earns double what I earn and more so my wages wouldn’t even pay for full time childcare!

It isn't just about your wages though. If you worked FT - would you and your Partner between you be able to afford full time child care?

It wouldn't make sense for your Partner to go part time if he earns so much but that doesn't mean that you have to either, plenty of families have both Parents working full time.

It might seem like a waste if the child care bill is more than one persons wage but as you've pointed out, it isn't just about the money - child care fees are temporary but staying working FT would allow you to progress in your career.

What did you do pre kids?

Original poster
Hollie93 · 10/04/2022 11:26

I’ve already prioritised DH’s career as it was the only thing that made sense, but is it unreasonable to want to start mine now? I want to hear of people who have done rhis

OP posts:
Original poster
Hollie93 · 10/04/2022 11:27

I work in facilities management just dropped my hours after mat leave

OP posts:
rubyslippers · 10/04/2022 11:28

@Hollie93

I do work, I work 24 hours per week but feel I’ve been shoved in this position as my DH earns double what I earn and more so my wages wouldn’t even pay for full time childcare!
Childcare costs should come out of the joint pot It isn’t your sole responsibility if you have a partner I’m always puzzled by this When I was working FT initially the childcare ate up a lot of our income but swallowing that meant I have good NI and pension contributions and been able to progress - yes slower than DH but I have progressed
ItWillBeDone · 10/04/2022 11:30

If you want to go full time then hopefully you'll be able to find a way to make it work. Since having children I've worked 4 days a week. I work hard. I have applied for jobs advertised as full time but asked for 4 days. And only one employer wouldn't consider it. I've also got promoted several times. I feel very lucky to be in this position. My DH works full time despite earning less than me. It doesn't have to be the case that the higher earner works FT and the lower PT. It's about achieving the right balance that works for your family.