To be expected to work part time now that I am a mum

[Hollie93]

So, DH earns more money than me so we made a decision for me to drop my hours to facilitate child care. However, I am becoming resentful that he is able to do well in his career and mine hasn’t even started. I think what I need is other mums telling me they held off too , at least until youngest child started school? I’m early 30’s so not a spring chicken haha!..I now have a much clearer idea of what my chosen career is and will be able to achieve it working part time whilst kids are at school as I’ll need to retrain?

@Hollie93 I think your DH has hit a nerve with what he has said and makes you feel that ALL the stuff you do in the house and for the children is underappreciated and that you have put yourself at a disadvantaged

Talk to him - tell him exactly how it feels and what that comment has done

@Hollie93

I honestly really want to be a midwife…I can’t see myself doing anything else, or even nursing…I know I will enjoy it

First of all you need to get some experience with maternity and newborns. Places on the course are very very competitive a lot of people want to be midwives and there's not a massive amount of jobs compared to nursing some people have applied for 3-4 years before finally getting on the course . Could you get some experience on a maternity unit? Ask to volunteer ? You need to make your personal statement stick out. You will need to do shift work when you are training you don't get a choice where you work the uni just allocate it you. Placement blocks are usually 6-8 weeks long then after you qualify and do your preceptorship you could do bank/agency look for community midwife roles until your DC are older.

What is if volunteered for breastfeeding support? Would that help?

It is under appreciated obviously or else he wouldn’t have said it. I am kind of glad he did as it has made me open my eyes. I thought we were a team, obviously not

Right so I have 2 options and I just need to make a decision.

I can stick where I am and do training or an open university degree in business management to then progress onto being an FC or work will put me on the course for free.

Do an access course in September and then onto midwifery next year. In the meantime look for HCA jobs.

Honestly, I know this is my decision but what do you think is the better option?

I think you are in a good position if you can afford to increase or drop hours as you choose. I've worked pretty much FT out of necessity and it is tough with two kids, especially in the early days. I work in a place where your sort of hours are common place, and the mothers are all doing better than me for the simple reason I am utterly shattered and overwhelmed much of the time. I'm not great at my job because I've only raised kids and worked FT, so I'm really in need of a break.

I think if you are hitting a wall career-wise where you are working it might be worth looking for a different role where you can still progress when you are PT. You might even be able to condense hours and work fewer days for a FT wage.

The free hours have kicked in for me, which is great (still bloody expensive) and I will probably look for something more challenging in another year or so. I'm glad I've stayed in the loop with continuing work, but it has been tough.

I do have a degree on something completely unrelated to facilities but still got a job as a facilities manager - I went from office manager jobs to facilities.

I think your experience should count for something and you may not necessarily need a degree tbh. But it does help

[quote Hollie93]@crossstitchingnana what did you do before becoming a parent?[/quote]
I worked as a deputy manager of a children's home. I loved it but shift-work with a family would've been hard. I also had no interest in managing. And I wanted to be with my babies.

Tell me honestly what you would do and how you make decisions?

Option one seems the more practical as I could do an OU degree in business and won’t need to faff around with an access course.

Do I just want to do midwifery because I’ve had kids and it was the best experience of my life. I would love to be part of that for women, I love caring for people really think I could empathise. However, I am very sensitive and self critical…I don’t know if this would be a disadvantage. I am in touch with my emotions and not afraid to show them? Jesus this is hard. I want to get it right.

I think Option 1 is the best choice for you and your family. Can be achieved around your current situation (with help from your DH so he is going to need to be told things are going to change) and then should be an easy move.

My family all think I would make a brilliant midwife and my midwife and health visitor said the same thing?

But then option 1 is more practical and things won’t change that much?

Please can you tell me what you would do and your reasons….honestly can’t thank you all enough. I feel much more stable and have a clear path either way but just need to make the difficult decision.

Or should I do the business management degree and if midwifery is still niggling at me later then go and do it when kids are much older? But I’ll be close to 40?

@Hollie93

I don’t understand why I am panicking so much? I made a decision to go part time and that’s ok? Why all of a sudden is it bothering me that DH is working his way up?

I feel I want so much more now…why? I’ve never felt it before?

It is probably because your youngest is starting school. Children are growing up, life is changing and you are thinking about what's next. I think that is fairly normal to be honest with you.

Yes, maybe because I know I am not having anymore children I’m deciding what I am doing next with my life?

@Hollie93

But then option 1 is more practical and things won’t change that much?

Please can you tell me what you would do and your reasons….honestly can’t thank you all enough. I feel much more stable and have a clear path either way but just need to make the difficult decision.

I would choose to do the business degree. That's not to say that midwifery will be the wrong decision for you, but I wouldn't have the support in place to manage childcare around shift work. I don't know what your situation is with childcare but, personally, I would choose a career with hours that I knew I could then easily find childcare for if I found myself parenting alone for any reason.

I think it's really natural to have a bit of an 'oh shit' moment when your children reach this age and you have to think about what next. I've found myself doing the same thing- I'm actually the bigger earner but I've made career decisions based entirely around what's practical for our family and not on what I want. My husband lost his business during the pandemic and he's had to retrain, and now he's about to qualify I am having frequent, slightly scattergun ideas about what I want to do next. So I sympathise!

Your husband is being unfair with his comment IMO. You are a team. Yes he provides more financially, but his career will have benefitted from being able to focus on it while you take on more of the child rearing.

Do you enjoy faculties management, if do stay in it. I'm sure there are jobs that you can do from that, managing property etc. for commercial firms or the NHS etc.

Go back part time and do a business degree?

Midwifery is shift work, maybe talk to a midwife and ask them how it works with family responsibilities because you need childcare and a supportive partner.

Next time your husband says you'd not manage without him, ask him how he would manage without you.

I work for the NHS currently…and thank you 😊

Yes I think asking a midwife about how they manage childcare would help! I may not be able to do it.

Spend a year or two working as an HCA in a maternity unit. See if you like it and can cope with it. It's not all about empowering women - you'd need to think how you'd cope with still births, drug dependent babies, mothers who don't want their babies, mothers who have them removed, mothers who keep their babies but who you know will neglect them.

If you absolutely love it and don't care about the stress, low pay and night shifts - do the Access course and degree. If you don't, go back to facilities.

But you're in panic mode right now. Don't make a decision until you are 100% certain it's the right one.

But you're in panic mode right now.

This x 1000. It sounds like your DH has said something that’s made you feel a bit shit and despite you really liking being at home with the kids, that’s made you feel like you should be doing something ‘more’, be that more worthy, more financially rewarding, more enjoyable etc.

Going to university-either to do a midwifery degree, a law degree or a business degree is long, hard and massively expensive. I wouldn’t recommend you go into this lightly and at the moment you seem like you haven’t got a clue what you want to do. I’d be talking to your DH much more about what you want, how you feel and what he wants/feels as well.

Giving up your income to retrain is a household decision and it needs him to be 100% on board financially, practically and emotionally, if he isn’t-I don’t think now is probably the best time to do this.

I really understand where you are coming from and its understandable. You need to get some hands on practical experience of the midwifery environment before committing to this direction. The childcare situation unfortunately is very very difficult to manage when working shifts etc. 😕 I couldn't make it work and have gone into teaching instead. If you have supportive parents and DH can do more then it may be possible but paid childcare may be difficult to source. You have little control over where you will be / shift pattern during training and in the first few years. You will sort something and find a direction and this is just the first step!

@Hollie93

Yes I think asking a midwife about how they manage childcare would help! I may not be able to do it.

My DIL would probably tell you that you need a MIL like me. I've had GC sleeping over with me when she's on nights or earlies as it would be chaos getting the kids up and out not to mention it would actually be more inconvenient for me getting up at an unearthly hour to have sleepy children dropped off.

You also need someone who can pick up at short notice as deliveries sometimes don't respect the end of a shift time so I get calls to pick them up and can I feed them and hang onto them until she finishes.

I have no idea how you would cope otherwise.

I don’t want to get too old also! I do need to calm down and really think about what I want

Are you going to have soecific hours on an access course because many years ago I did one and wouldn’t have been able to work part time even, apart from evening jobs . Is it all distance/in your own time now??