Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be expected to work part time now that I am a mum

347 replies

Hollie93 · 10/04/2022 10:59

So, DH earns more money than me so we made a decision for me to drop my hours to facilitate child care. However, I am becoming resentful that he is able to do well in his career and mine hasn’t even started. I think what I need is other mums telling me they held off too , at least until youngest child started school? I’m early 30’s so not a spring chicken haha!..I now have a much clearer idea of what my chosen career is and will be able to achieve it working part time whilst kids are at school as I’ll need to retrain?

OP posts:
RiverSkater · 10/04/2022 12:15

@Hollie93 but it's family money, and he earns more and it's to help you progress and earn more?

Original poster
Hollie93 · 10/04/2022 12:15

I just don’t know if it is fair for him to pay most of the household bills and then pay for most of the child care because I don’t earn enough?

OP posts:
Original poster
Hollie93 · 10/04/2022 12:16

I know I’m being really negative but I have to prepare myself if it ends, so many women are left in the shit and it’s not fair!

OP posts:
burnoutbabe · 10/04/2022 12:18

hasn't your "career" suffered because you haven't decided what you wanted to do as a career until now. before you worked but not in a career, whereas i assume your husband was pursuing his career since before he met you?

its a bit different if in fact you worked full time to support him in a degree/retrain and now you want to do the same but it doesn't sound like that is the case.

you going back full time to work, fine, share childcare costs.

But you retraining with a 3+ year degree, him having to cover your lack of income plus much more childcare when you are studying/on placements is a very different scenario. And as you said, that career doesn't pay much.

PinkTonic · 10/04/2022 12:19

@Hollie93

So it’s a given when you be one a mum your career suffers?
It’s something you have to think very carefully about if you’re serious about your career obviously. Starting a family before your career was off the ground was a bad idea, and you’ve given him the impression that you will be the one to pick up the childcare slack while he gets on with his more important, higher earning career. Age old situation which you needed to align on before getting pregnant.
Toomanyradishes · 10/04/2022 12:20

@Hollie93

I just don’t know if it is fair for him to pay most of the household bills and then pay for most of the child care because I don’t earn enough?
He is a parent, those are parental costs. If you as a family were in a position where you couldnt afford childcare full time then fair enough, but that doesn't seem to be the case here.

This of it as proportions. If he earns 9 tenths of your combined income and you earn 1 tenth, he could pay 9 tenths of the hpusehold bills and childcare and you pay 1 tenth.

The problem with the way you describe it (he pays household bills you pay childcare) is that it make you seem as if you dont contibute to the household whilst simultaneously being entirely responsible for childcare.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 10/04/2022 12:21

@Hollie93

I just don’t know if it is fair for him to pay most of the household bills and then pay for most of the child care because I don’t earn enough?
Surely you are a team? You are facilitating him earning more by taking on more of the childcare. A good husband would want to see his wife flourish and progress.
Nomoreusernames1244 · 10/04/2022 12:22

just don’t know if it is fair for him to pay most of the household bills and then pay for most of the child care because I don’t earn enough?

Is it fair for him to be paying all those household bills because you’re only working part time?

Look at it from the other side- you could be working FT and contributing more. Nursery costs are temporary.

As for midwifery- as pp said really look into it. I know more than a few women who got to the final year of their degree and realised that placements and the actually job/shifts etc do not work around children, unless you have a partner who will do school runs etc around your hours.

I did nhs shifts when my kids were young. Dh had to arrange his work around it and nursery runs etc. you’d be surprised how many men won’t, and also how many employers are resistant to the idea of male employees not coming in at 8 because they need to drop the kids at school, or leaving on the dot of 5 to pick them up, or taking days off for child sickness…

Girlonit · 10/04/2022 12:22

I don’t ever think it makes sense to prioritise one parents career other the others. You never know what’s around the corner and for me working is about more than just what I earn. So you’re definitely not wrong to look at studying to further your own career now.

My Dp earns more than I do and I went back part time but he’s adjusted his hours to do the drop off/picks ups on my working days. So we’ve kept childcare costs as low as we can (still a lot!) and Dp has a half day off with the children too, which he loves. It’s meant he’s had to say no to some overtime and that’s reduced his annual income too. But ultimately it feels fair and most importantly we’re both happy with it. Childcare is just a cost that comes out of the family pot, I don’t think of it in relation to my earnings at all.
My job is also one that’s easy to go back into full time, my boss asks (jokingly we get on very well) every week if I’m wanting full time again yet.

shinynewapple22 · 10/04/2022 12:23

I also don't understand the concept of child care being one or the other partner's responsibility. Perhaps it's because we had a joint account - every expenditure is joint no matter who actually pays the most into the pot .

DH and I had similarly earning roles and I am with the posters who said they would have resented working full time with young DC. I felt privileged to be able to work part time. I enjoy my job but equally loved the time at home with DS. I suppose though, that although I enjoy my job, it's not a career or a vocation, it's something I'm happy to do a certain amount of hours a week but in a balance with other things, whether those other things are care responsibilities or other activities.

If midwifery is what you really want to do, you must go for it. Have a chat with your DH as to how it will all work out but sounds like it's affordable financially anyway due to your DH's salary .

Original poster
Hollie93 · 10/04/2022 12:23

Like I said I wasn’t too fussed about a career pre kids, did you have your career established pre kids?

OP posts:
Unsureaboutit9 · 10/04/2022 12:24

@Hollie93

I know I’m being really negative but I have to prepare myself if it ends, so many women are left in the shit and it’s not fair!
You aren’t preparing yourself anyway though really, you are going to retrain and do a degree which will make earnings even less for a while. And if it’s what you agreed, and you don’t want him to spend his money on childcare aswell as bills, you can’t then say it’s not fair on women. It’s your choice. But it does sound good that you’ve decided what you want to do and have started the plan to make it happen.

Your thread is a little confusing really. He’s going to be supporting you financially while you retrain essentially but you want to moan about him doing so. Is it him who’s thinking you should be going full time rather than retraining? Is he generally trying to make you stay at home?

Original poster
Hollie93 · 10/04/2022 12:25

@shinynewapple22 are you happy not having a career? Do you worry what you will do if your partner left financially?

OP posts:
shinynewapple22 · 10/04/2022 12:26

@Hollie93

I don’t mind being part time but what the hell will I do if he leaves! I can’t provide for both kids on my current wages 😢
Is your marriage such that you believe this to be an imminent possibility?

If you were to separate then surely you would have shared custody and your DH would pay maintenance?

NeedAHoliday2021 · 10/04/2022 12:27

We ended up in this position but I did go full time once youngest dc were in Year 1. Dh and I have similar career so it’s frustrating he’s on 10k more but actually, I feel very privileged to have been able to spend those precious baby/toddler years with my dc so I do have to remind myself of that. Dh didn’t get that option.

Notlostjustexploring · 10/04/2022 12:27

I will say that prioritising the higher earner doesn't always make sense. If someone is earning double the other, odds are they are in the higher tax bracket. The higher earner dropping hours (or compressing hours) to have a day at home with their children, especially compared to the savings in child care, makes sense. It can often make better sense to bring the lower earner earnings up.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 10/04/2022 12:30

@Hollie93

Like I said I wasn’t too fussed about a career pre kids, did you have your career established pre kids?
I did not. And I ended up a single mum on benefits. Don't make the same mistakes.
Original poster
Hollie93 · 10/04/2022 12:30

Yes but I just find it really daunting that I don’t earn that much. I feel like a failure

OP posts:
viques · 10/04/2022 12:31

@Hollie93

DH earns a really good wage and we could afford for me not to work, but I want to, obviously in case we split up. We can afford for me to retrain whilst I am working part time, it is midwifery! I understand money won’t be great but it is where my heart is and I will kick myself if I don’t do it.

I love being at home with the kids but resentful that DH has progressed and I haven’t and want that independence. We could afford full time childcare if he paid for most of it? Should
I really expect him to do that for me?

Why wouldn’t he be prepared to pay for his children to be looked after while you are working/ training?

I never understand this assumption that childcare costs are the mothers burden! You don’t expect to pay separately for the childrens part of mortgage repayments, car costs, food, utility bills etc. These are joint parenting costs , as is childcare.

Bushkin · 10/04/2022 12:31

My career is just as important to me as DH is. As is saving into my pension. We both work full time. There’s no reason for part time unless it’s what you want

MollyRover · 10/04/2022 12:32

@Hollie93 your career isn't suffering because you are working part time, you want to change career. Those are two different things. Figure out what it is that you want, then talk to DH about what's feasible. Working and studying in different fields is always going to be hard but you have to figure out if it's financially possible to cover that and childcare. That's got nothing to do with your DH and/or his career

Bushkin · 10/04/2022 12:32

Childcare is a shared expense

LarryUnderwood · 10/04/2022 12:32

When I had kids I went back part time until eldest started school (3 days then upped to 4 days when eldest was 3). Even so childcare outstripped my wage as I had a small gap between them. We decoded it was worth it in the long term. I agreed with DH that my job would always be considered as important as his when it came to things like taking time off if kids were sick etc, regardless of earnings. We also changed the way we managed money and went from a proportional contribution model to one where all money went into a pot, bills and savings paid then remainder shared equally. This meant childcare was a bill like any other amd shared. It's worked really well and my career has flourished, I've been promoted several times and have great prospects. Whatever you decide you have to do it as a team OP, and work out what's going to be be best in the long term.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 10/04/2022 12:34

DH earns a really good wage and we could afford for me not to work

Then surely the combined income of you both working full time could pay for childcare?

Shinyandnew1 · 10/04/2022 12:34

@Hollie93

Like I said I wasn’t too fussed about a career pre kids, did you have your career established pre kids?
Yes, I definitely did.

Your career hasn’t suffered because you had kids. Your career hasn’t started because you appear to have only just decided what you want to do. Whether you are able to do this or not depends pretty much entirely on your DH.

You will only be able to do this if your DH is on board and happily pays for all bills and childcare for the next however many years. Is it 6 years part time? So, what does he say about it? It’s pointless people on here guessing whether he’ll be fine with it. Will he be supportive with childcare around funny timed shifts?

What job do you do now that you will be able to do around midwifery placements? The two friends I had that trained weren’t able to work alongside.

Swipe left for the next trending thread