To be expected to work part time now that I am a mum

[Hollie93]

So, DH earns more money than me so we made a decision for me to drop my hours to facilitate child care. However, I am becoming resentful that he is able to do well in his career and mine hasn’t even started. I think what I need is other mums telling me they held off too , at least until youngest child started school? I’m early 30’s so not a spring chicken haha!..I now have a much clearer idea of what my chosen career is and will be able to achieve it working part time whilst kids are at school as I’ll need to retrain?

Yes it is a part time course.

@titchy yes, I am aware this isn’t just about women. Obviously still births would be difficult for anybody to handle, with regards to terminations etc I am staunchly pro choice so that wouldn’t bother me.

I think it would be a really good idea to take the pressure off making this decision- it's an important one, and you want to take your time over it. Would it be worth speaking to a careers advisor perhaps, or at least doing lots of open-minded research into all the different things you could consider. There will be all sorts of possibilities that might not have even occurred to you yet- I would never in a million years have predicted my current career, and while I don't love it, it's exactly the right thing for my circumstances at the moment.

I think you probably need to have a talk to your husband about his mean comments and how they make you feel. My husband couldn't have coped without me during the pandemic- he totally relied on me to replace his income. On the other hand, I couldn't have coped without him taking up the slack with childcare to enable me to ramp up my freelancing, and I've benefitted from it long-term because I now have a thriving business that I couldn't have otherwise established. And unless he's proposing that you switch roles, him putting pressure on you could push you into making a hasty decision on an important matter, especially as you're managing financially.

Yes I think your right. This needs to be a well thought put decision as it’s an important one. I spoke to a careers advisor last week and they seem to want to help me to to where I need to be but not actually help me make the decision on where I want to go? Surely that decision I have to make myself?

@Hollie93

Yes I think your right. This needs to be a well thought put decision as it’s an important one. I spoke to a careers advisor last week and they seem to want to help me to to where I need to be but not actually help me make the decision on where I want to go? Surely that decision I have to make myself?

You're right a careers adviser won't tell you what to do. They will help and support you to make that decision yourself though.

Another thing that bothers me about the business degree is the amount of maths in it, I scraped a C in the subject at school and thought that would be the last of it 😂😂

Work in healthcare - love it, hate it at the moment but overll people I work with have saved my sanity, picked me up and encouraged me onwards - fab community to be in.

i am not a superwoman but I will not be beaten by a male dickhead, OW and pre conceived ideas.

m currently grappling with the fact that the OW hs come to work in my department in a field she had no quaalifictions for. creepy but I will deal with it s I alwys do - head on and not give in.

@Hollie93

Another thing that bothers me about the business degree is the amount of maths in it, I scraped a C in the subject at school and thought that would be the last of it 😂😂

There's maths in healthcare you know - calculating doses etc

@Finallylostit I’m so sorry! Why do they do it! And why has the OW done that it is embarrassing!

@titchy yes, but I mean really heavy maths like degree level maths. I’m fine with calculations etc

It's very sensible to ensure your career is sorted out, so get that degree and enjoy midwifery!

I work full time and kids in nursery or with family. I would not pay for my husband to go back to university at this point. Especially not for a job as low paid and difficult hours as midwifery. It's simply not practical at this stage in life. If it were a course that was going to considerably improve out families life, I'd consider it.

Even if financially you could manage and it is what your husband wanted?

You mentioned earlier volunteering with breastfeeding support services. This might not be the right solution, but would qualifying as a lactation consultant be worth considering? A quick Google shows that the NHS hires lactation consultants (although I don't know if you need to be a registered nurse, maybe someone else more knowledgeable will know) and I think some people practice self-employed. Just thought that might be an option worth exploring if you want to help new mums.

Well if money was no object, we could do what we want. But as it is, I'd rather pay the mortgage down quicker, put money in SIPPs, ISAs, put money aside for the kids. It's a large amount of money, when you consider opportunity cost to do a degree.

Yes I suppose it is. Husband seems supportive of it which I am glad about as I feel like I’ve lost my identity about. We need to assess everything because I will do what is best for my family in the end, they are the most important thing

I had my oldest when I was 21. No career at that time, I did customer service at an insurance company. I've always worked full-time, and grew my career alongside raising my kids. I'm now at nearly 6 figures at age 45. I'll be there in a year or two.

@Hollie93

Wow well done you! How did you manage that!?! That’s really impressive! Where abouts are you? I’m in manchester and I don’t really know anybody who earns that! What is it you actually do?

I didn't have a choice; my husband wasn't very reliable, financially. I took all the trainings my employer offered, and I watched for opportunities with other agencies.

It seems to me that you really aren't actually sure of what you want to do. If you're not sure I'd say play it safe- you have a job in a sector with prospects, your manager is interested in helping you develop. So follow that path and see where it takes you. You can always change your mind later. And you keep mentioning that you want a backup option in case you and DH split. Well, opting for an access course, then a degree seems very risky in that case - it's 4 years of earning nothing, and then starting at the bottom of the payscale in a job which requires shifts (so difficult to find childcare and hard to manage in a solo parenting scenario, which is your worst-case). I also think you need to talk to your DH about him respecting your work in and out of home, and your time, more. Best of luck OP, you will find your way. And remember er, our working lives go on for a long time so you have plenty of time to change direction.

Personally if you are married and have children but do not have joint finances I would not sacrifice my career and would say to your DH that he needs to shoulder the bulk of the childcare costs so that you can focus on your career given you have made sacrifices for him in prioritising childcare when it should be a joint responsibility. I did work part time after having children. My husband travelled a lot and worked anti social hours but at the time of me having our first child I was earning the same as him. Working part time had a massive effect on my career and earning power and I never caught up. Luckily we are still married but other women of my age who split from their husbands after a long marriage were certainly affected financially in terms of pension if nothing else. For us we always had a joint household pot and I made sure that I saved for my retirement at the same time he was putting money into his pension

Why do you not combine finances with both incomes going into one pot as household income and joint expenditure including childcare also coming out? My husband always recognised the sacrifices I made for his career and never made me feel a failure for not earning as much as him. We both had demanding jobs when we decided to have children and whilst the aim of having it all is admirable in reality it does not work if you both have careers which involve travelling and late nights when there are children to collect from a nursery or childminder. Something has to give and my husband was always appreciative of the fact I was prepared to go part time and essentially take a lower graded post to fit in with family responsibility. I don't think I would have coped with the stress of bringing up children with the demands of a high flying career so was ok with coasting for a while. Some women do not want to do that and that involves a conversation with your husband pointing out childcare is a joint responsibility unless one person is willing to take on the role. If your husband wants to keep his big salary to himself, doling out money for bills and trying to make you feel grateful for that then I would be very concerned.

@LarryUnderwood

It seems to me that you really aren't actually sure of what you want to do. If you're not sure I'd say play it safe- you have a job in a sector with prospects, your manager is interested in helping you develop. So follow that path and see where it takes you. You can always change your mind later. And you keep mentioning that you want a backup option in case you and DH split. Well, opting for an access course, then a degree seems very risky in that case - it's 4 years of earning nothing, and then starting at the bottom of the payscale in a job which requires shifts (so difficult to find childcare and hard to manage in a solo parenting scenario, which is your worst-case). I also think you need to talk to your DH about him respecting your work in and out of home, and your time, more. Best of luck OP, you will find your way. And remember er, our working lives go on for a long time so you have plenty of time to change direction.

Yes I agree with this, it doesn't sound to me like a very good time to embark on an access course. I'm not suggesting that your husband would leave, but you seem to be wanting to mitigate that risk. If that happened, you may have to abandon the course having shelled out significant money on it. I'd do as suggested here on balance- perhaps return to your current role full time (with your husband paying proportionately for childcare, it is not just your responsibility) and begin looking at how you want to progress. Or maybe see the careers advisor again and think about transferable skills and what other options are available to you with the skills and experience you already have. I'm not saying give up on your dream, but maybe it's not the most practical option to do it right now.