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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be expected to work part time now that I am a mum

347 replies

Hollie93 · 10/04/2022 10:59

So, DH earns more money than me so we made a decision for me to drop my hours to facilitate child care. However, I am becoming resentful that he is able to do well in his career and mine hasn’t even started. I think what I need is other mums telling me they held off too , at least until youngest child started school? I’m early 30’s so not a spring chicken haha!..I now have a much clearer idea of what my chosen career is and will be able to achieve it working part time whilst kids are at school as I’ll need to retrain?

OP posts:
SpiderinaWingMirror · 10/04/2022 12:35

Well in that case, surely DH working is enabling you to do thr degree to change your career?

Original poster
Hollie93 · 10/04/2022 12:35

I can’t decide if I should stay where I am or go for retraining. Can I ask what is it
You have moved up in? Are you interested in it? What even is a career, am I currently in one? There are prospects etc and lots of different branches to go off in?

What is the difference between a job and a career? Can you name some ‘jobs’

OP posts:
shinynewapple22 · 10/04/2022 12:36

[quote Hollie93]@shinynewapple22 are you happy not having a career? Do you worry what you will do if your partner left financially?[/quote]
It's not relevant any longer as I'm in my late 50s, but no. I work in a public service senior admin role ; DH worked in manufacturing. Both our roles are on 'average salary'. If we had separated then I would have had my wages topped with maintenance and if necessary would have looked to extend my hours.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 10/04/2022 12:37

Have you actually spoke to your husband about this? Do you think he wouldn't be supportive of you working full time?

Karatema · 10/04/2022 12:37

@Hollie93 I'm sure someone else has pointed this out but marriage is a partnership. You've prioritised him and now it's your time. Your goals will be easier to achieve if your DH supports you fully!
Please remember Midwifery is mainly about females and their health.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 10/04/2022 12:40

You aren't representing your problem very well here. Your title suggests that you are taking "the hit" as a woman because of the children.

Further posts from you suggest actually that you are finally looking to start a career, but it's coincided with children. This doesn't sound like your dh caused this by expecting you to go part time?

Shinyandnew1 · 10/04/2022 12:41

@Hollie93

I can’t decide if I should stay where I am or go for retraining. Can I ask what is it You have moved up in? Are you interested in it? What even is a career, am I currently in one? There are prospects etc and lots of different branches to go off in?

What is the difference between a job and a career? Can you name some ‘jobs’

Name some jobs?! This is a bit bizarre-do you actually want to be a midwife? When did you decide that’s what you wanted to do?

Have you discussed all this with your husband?

PaddlingLikeADuck · 10/04/2022 12:41

I went back full time after my first child and it was hard work. I missed him and I felt shattered all the time.

I carried on like this for about 18 months before getting pregnant with my second child and I knew that I was going to go back full time.

When I did go back I went back on 25 hours and yes, I did miss out on promotion opportunities but that was a sacrifice I was happy to make.

When my eldest went to school I remained on part time hours and my other child is due to start school this year.

Over the last 18 months I have done a foundation degree which focused on the path I want my career to go in and there’s no way I could have done that course if I had worked full time.

Once I had completed my course I got a promotion at work to fulfil the role I had been working towards. I have been in that role for 8 months and in two months time I will receive another promotion even though I’m still part time.

I may consider increasing my hours when my youngest starts school but I haven’t decided yet.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that being part time doesn’t mean the end of your career, in fact, being part time was ultimately what enabled me to eventually develop and flourish in my career.

Pllink · 10/04/2022 12:42

Why don't you just talk to your husband about it rather than a bunch of strangers?

Darbs76 · 10/04/2022 12:42

Bear in mind you’re 4yrs even starting a career if you’re training to be a midwife. A career is a job with prospects, opportunities to climb the ladder. I have a career and worked part for 10yrs. Around the kids but also due to health at the time. I’m full time again now as my kids are teens. Thankfully I have progressed up the ladder but I didn’t when I was part time. It is harder to shine when you’re trying to fit your job into 3 days. I’d think hard about retraining as that’s even longer without income and pension. Women are vulnerable who give their jobs up to stay home with the kids. I just couldn’t have done that; I’m far too independent and don’t want to worry about retirement etc, I know I’ll be ok as by then I’ll have paid into my pension for 40yrs

Original poster
Hollie93 · 10/04/2022 12:43

He says it doesn’t make sense for me to work full time.

I am loving being with the kids and maybe I am where I need to be for the minute, I just hear of so many relationships and marriages ending and I want to prepare myself, how will I be able to do that if I only earn £23k full time

OP posts:
Luredbyapomegranate · 10/04/2022 12:44

Lots of couples both work full time with young kids Confused

It doesn’t matter if childcare is eating all your salary if the point is to build a long term career.

Now you have kids you need joint finances, so everything comes out of one pot.

Crudger · 10/04/2022 12:44

You agreed this with your husband though? You could have worked full time if you wanted to. It might not have covered childcare but you would have had progression opportunities so it would be a good financial decision in the long run. Instead you spent time with your children. It’s quite a luxury to have that decision. I’m sorry if you felt it was the wrong one but if you really think about it would you give up that time you had with your children while they were little for better career options now?! You’re married so you would get financial support from your husband if you broke up.

FlowerArranger · 10/04/2022 12:45

Assume your marriage 3nds 10 years from now.
And plan accordingly.
Hopefully this won't happen but either way you will be in a much stronger position.

I established my career before I had children.
I worked full time after minimal maternity leave.
I eventually started my own business on the back of the reputation I had established in my field.

I never regretted my decision. It meant I had choices.
So many of the sad stories you read about on MN are due to women having a lack of choice.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 10/04/2022 12:45

He says it doesn’t make sense for me to work full time

Then you need to respond to him:-

  1. Why is it his opinion that counts most?
  2. The point is personal development for you
  3. Why does it not make sense? What is his reasoning? Surely wanting to work means it makes sense?
  4. Does he realise he is blocking you from doing something you want to do?
Orangutanteddy · 10/04/2022 12:46

We can't for us both not to work full time, in a way, even though childcare is a quarter of our salaries. The reason is that the long term effect of pt work on pension and earnings isn't affordable. We have just under four years left of childcare costs and then we'll be quids in. It's short term pain for long term gain. And in the end my child will benefit because we will be able to give her money for college/car/wedding etc.. If I stopped working full time, she'd be the one losing out.

Brefugee · 10/04/2022 12:46

So it’s a given when you be one a mum your career suffers?

not at all. But a career is a career - they generally don't fall in your lap you have to work at and for them. And it is no different when you have children.

Each family should decide for themselves, of course, but it is infuriating to hear "well my salary would be eaten up ..." so what? do you have completely separate finances and pay your bills proportionately? Childcare should come under that too. family money goes on family things. Have joint finances? then it automatically comes out of family money anyway.

It is fine to want to be a SAHM. It is fine to want to work part-time, or 0.8 or whatever you want. It is fine to not want a career and have a job. But the decision should be taken with more in mind than "DH has a big man job and that may not ever change or be challenged" unless you really honestly agree with that. In which case i hope you have some money to call yours alone.

Orangutanteddy · 10/04/2022 12:47

*we can't afford for either of us not to work full-time...

FTEngineerM · 10/04/2022 12:47

He says it doesn’t make sense for me to work full time

Well there you have it..

He doesn’t care about your prospects, career and pension. He just wants you in the house playing maid to the household and looking after the babies.

He belongs in the 50s, either tell him how it’s going to be or give him the boot.

user1487194234 · 10/04/2022 12:47

If you want a career then get yourself one
Have seen so many women give up their careers to allow their men to forge ahead with their careers
So easy to step back,so hard to get back

Luredbyapomegranate · 10/04/2022 12:48

It’s up to you but it’s worth explaining to him (as better to have him on board) that it’s about building a long term career not about what you earn now.

Don’t feel you have to make the decision quickly. But do make sure he sees you as a person not a function - it’s not unusual for men on good salaries to prefer their wives at home, as it makes life easier. If you increase your hours he will have to step up.

There also might be a way to increase to say 4 days, so your career can start moving.

glowingcandle · 10/04/2022 12:48

I think you're confusing a few different issues. Working full time is one thing but what you're talking about is your DH supporting you so you can study to start your ideal career? I think that's always challenging whether you have kids or not.

To answer your question, I don't think there should be any obligation for the mum to go part time. I'm part time because I want to be but if I wanted to focus more on my career I'd use full time childcare.

How much is childcare vs how much you will be earning? I know it's expensive but most people are still slightly better off working once the 15/30 hours, tax free childcare etc is taken into account?

Throwntothewolves · 10/04/2022 12:48

No of course it's not a given that it you're a mum your career suffers, no one is making mums quit work or work less. It's a choice to work part time, even though for some it's really the only viable option.
You appear to have choices though so discuss what you want to do with your husband and come up with a plan, which will involve compromise on both parts to get to a position you are both happy with.

ItsYabbaDabbaDoTime · 10/04/2022 12:49

Remember that you will not accrue as much pension going part time. For this reason alone it rarely makes financial sense for one parent to go part time.

I do appreciate it can be a matter of personal choice. Just don’t let yourself be forced into it.

twinsetandpearl · 10/04/2022 12:49

My DH earns less than cost of our childcare (twins plus one) he still works full time as do I (I earn x3) - if it was that important to you then you'd take the financial hit for a couple of years. Saying it's down to the cost of childcare is just an excuse in your position