To be expected to work part time now that I am a mum

[Hollie93]

So, DH earns more money than me so we made a decision for me to drop my hours to facilitate child care. However, I am becoming resentful that he is able to do well in his career and mine hasn’t even started. I think what I need is other mums telling me they held off too , at least until youngest child started school? I’m early 30’s so not a spring chicken haha!..I now have a much clearer idea of what my chosen career is and will be able to achieve it working part time whilst kids are at school as I’ll need to retrain?

DH and I shared the load. We both took turns as SAHP and working part time.
Once DC started school, I worked part time and studied in the evenings. DH came home early once a week so I could go to classes.
He is still the major earner, but we always shared days off for sickness etc. he would take the first day off and I would take the second. DC went back to school after that. This meant that DC could see both parents jobs as important and also both parents as carers and no one was more important that the other.
I think being partners in the marriage helped, with no one deemed more important and no one’s job more important.
I am also a nurse and now in a senior position.
Good luck

@Hollie93

He says it doesn’t make sense for me to work full time.

I am loving being with the kids and maybe I am where I need to be for the minute, I just hear of so many relationships and marriages ending and I want to prepare myself, how will I be able to do that if I only earn £23k full time

See, this is another issue again. What you're talking about is maximising your earning potential so you have a safety net and the best way to do that probably isn't retraining in a brand new career...

I think you need to work out what is most important to you (forget social pressure and expectation, try and focus on what you really want) and go from there.

@Hollie93

I do work, I work 24 hours per week but feel I’ve been shoved in this position as my DH earns double what I earn and more so my wages wouldn’t even pay for full time childcare!

But your wages don't need to pay for full time childcare, only half. His wages pay the other half. Yes it's more money going out but it sounds affordable and it's short term whereas the benefit to you from career progression, pension contributions etc and ability to retrain will presumably pay off in the longer run

It’s ok saying if you want a career, get yourself one, I need to know how. Hence why I have come on here to ask you lovely ladies for advice, you all seem to knowledgable about life I am so glad I came to this forum

@Hollie93

He says it doesn’t make sense for me to work full time.

I am loving being with the kids and maybe I am where I need to be for the minute, I just hear of so many relationships and marriages ending and I want to prepare myself, how will I be able to do that if I only earn £23k full time

Is that what you earn now?

What do midwives earn?

Both husband and I do 4 days each which means we only need 3 days childcare and we both get a week day each with the baby! Could you do something like that

@Hollie93

I do work, I work 24 hours per week but feel I’ve been shoved in this position as my DH earns double what I earn and more so my wages wouldn’t even pay for full time childcare!

You only need childcare when you are both working so childcare is a joint expense and both of your wages are used to pay it, not just yours.

Reframe how you think of this and don't let your career stall.

I’m so scared of being a failure to my DC because I don’t have the ‘perfect’ career, I want to be an example to them

I see no problem with being a good mother and working full time. A confident mother makes a confident child, whatever choice she makes.

I agree that it is nonsense to say that childcare is an expense that comes out of the woman's paycheck. WTF!!!!

I earn 14k part time, about £1000 pm

I'm just about to go in my last year nurse training doing a dual qualified RMN/RGN. Degree. I stayed at home early years while my OH worked away Monday to Friday. He now has a job working remotely and he does the school pick ups when I'm on shift. He needs to be fully on board with your plans the degree is very intense . Midwifery is very very competitive to get on the course and not as many jobs , there are fewer higher paid roles in midwifery. It's a vocation you choose it because it's something you really really want to do same as any HCP degree. You have to be really commited to finish it.

Feel like I should be a high flying lawyer spinning 6 thousand plates but I’m not and I really want to make them proud

@veevee04 how old are you if you don’t mind me asking? And how did you manage it?

Is the actual question here whether your DH should support you not working at all whilst you retrain in some career (I say some because your post re “name some jobs” seems to suggest you would be open to anything) so that you might eventually work FT and get this security?

It is not unreasonable to want a career and security (in fact it is really a good thing, to me) but it might be unreasonable to insist DH now facilitates you not working at all until you have retrained because it seems not have been contemplated at all, even by you. Sorry if I have otherwise missed the point but this thread doesn’t make sense.

I have honestly learnt so much about life reading these forums, I’m addicted! You are all so lovely thank you for your help and advice.

Honestly….what would you do in my position? Am I really not a failure?

I’m really confused as to why you think you alone should pay the childcare bill. Are they not his children?

In my field there are loads of part time opportunities and many people in senior management work part time.

I agree I think it's not the kids but a later start to establishing yourself that's making things trickier. But to be honest I don't think there's necessarily an easier way to do it. I have struggled massively with fertility issues from not TTC in my mid 20s but the plus side is before going on maternity leave at 36 I was at the level of my career where I shouldn't go backwards because of having some time out and being part time or deciding to be a SAHM until my baby goes to school.

I pay childcare, clothes etc and he pays house hold bills, mortgage

You're not a failure! And by the time they're teens and looking up to you to think about what they can achieve in their own lives, your children will see you have an established career whether part or full time!

I just want to say how bloody proud of you I am.
It is so hard and so many women go part time - not because they really want to, but feel they have to, but don't speak up about it and 20 years later are working admin jobs or in supermarkets - again not because they want to (which is totally fine) but because that is where their lives ended up, because they were mothers and had to earn money around children's lives while apparently their husbands have good company pensions and career kudos. It's horrible.

You are still young and clearly intelligent and driven. If midwifery is where your heart is, then you should do it. As a facilities manager you could also do operational management qualifications which will get your career moving - and in which you will likely earn a lot more long term.
I am proud of you for wanting more for yourself and having the drive to go and get it.
Short term not earning anything over what you pay for childcare is a longer term win. I did it and now earn significantly more than most people (4x my partner) and when my kids were young I was earning minimum wage. It was worth it.

Reach for your dreams!

surely anything can be made into a career? the person who works at the tesco checkout, there are then options to go for other roles in that company - supervisors/managers/into head office etc

Within admin roles, move into a junior role in a department that interests you, move up that department. Say marketing etc.

Work full time - much better for your career and your MH. Find a good nursery or childminder, and just do it. Your kid will learn from being with others their age. Why the heck should his career come first?

@Hollie93

Feel like I should be a high flying lawyer spinning 6 thousand plates but I’m not and I really want to make them proud

I retrained as a solicitor after having my children. There are plenty of jobs, its well paid and surprisingly flexible. You don't have to be a lawyer of course, but its really common for solicitors to train as mature students or even later in life. Both men and women. My senior partner used to be a teacher.

tbh though I'd work on your own self confidence. Your own post is full of self doubt and pointless self criticism. Your "no spring chicken" - what does that even mean? Early thirties is when some people only start establishing their careers. You are very young except to someone who has an interest in teenagers. Why isn't your husband contributing half to childcare costs? Who cares what "other mums" tell you? You have independent choice, do what suits you best.

And of course you are not a failure - being a failure would be to not speak up and to get more and more resentful not fulfilling your potential