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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be expected to work part time now that I am a mum

347 replies

Hollie93 · 10/04/2022 10:59

So, DH earns more money than me so we made a decision for me to drop my hours to facilitate child care. However, I am becoming resentful that he is able to do well in his career and mine hasn’t even started. I think what I need is other mums telling me they held off too , at least until youngest child started school? I’m early 30’s so not a spring chicken haha!..I now have a much clearer idea of what my chosen career is and will be able to achieve it working part time whilst kids are at school as I’ll need to retrain?

OP posts:
latriciamcneal · 10/04/2022 11:58

I don't want a career. I want to be remembered as a good mother and loving wife. I have work but I concentrate on my child. You don’t have to have a career. Careers take up most of your time but you have a child to do that.

Flowersandwine12 · 10/04/2022 11:58

Really irritates me when people say childcare should come from a joint pot and be a shared expense, yes it is but in our house it made much more sense for dh to work full time @ £18ph and me to drop some hours since at the time I was only on £10ph.

I wanted to be at home with my DC but I did study in the evenings and worked 2 days and at 31 I'm starting a new career, I'm so glad I waited until both dc are in school, they got all of me and I've still got another 30/40 years of working life. If I'd put them into nursery and worked full time I'd still be in that £10 an hour role

Original poster
Hollie93 · 10/04/2022 11:58

I think I am scar d that if he leaves I will be knackered! I don’t like that vulnerability

OP posts:
Original poster
Hollie93 · 10/04/2022 11:58

Scared

OP posts:
BootsScootsAndToots · 10/04/2022 11:58

I was desperate to go PT when I went back to work but my manager said no. Second mat leave, still wasn't able to go PT.

After my 2 mat leaves my colleague came back PT and I really couldn't get over that. We did the same job FFS!

Anyway, I'm finally PT and it's freaking awesome. I'll never do 5 days again.

If you don't want to be PT just tell your dh you're going back FT and you'll make it work.

chisanunian · 10/04/2022 11:58

@Hollie93

DH earns a really good wage and we could afford for me not to work, but I want to, obviously in case we split up. We can afford for me to retrain whilst I am working part time, it is midwifery! I understand money won’t be great but it is where my heart is and I will kick myself if I don’t do it.

I love being at home with the kids but resentful that DH has progressed and I haven’t and want that independence. We could afford full time childcare if he paid for most of it? Should
I really expect him to do that for me?

They are his kids too.

Your career, earning potential and pension pot have suffered (and is suffering) at the expense of his. That's patently unfair.

Original poster
Hollie93 · 10/04/2022 11:59

@Flowersandwine12 yes this is what I am saying thank you 😊

OP posts:
Original poster
Hollie93 · 10/04/2022 12:00

I don’t mind being part time but what the hell will I do if he leaves! I can’t provide for both kids on my current wages 😢

OP posts:
Sswhinesthebest · 10/04/2022 12:01

What does he think to the idea?

I don’t think it’s unreasonable but what does he think or what do you think his objections will be, if you haven’t discussed it yet?

StopFeckingFaffing · 10/04/2022 12:04

It sounds like you have a plan in place to enter your chosen career so I would focus on making sure that happens rather than wasting energy being resentful of your DH

There presumably was a time before DC when you could have gone to Uni to study Midwifery but didn't for whatever reason. It's not helpful to blame your DH for that.

MajorCarolDanvers · 10/04/2022 12:04

We took turns of being part time and stay at home.

Both back full time though by time youngest was 3.

Childminder then nursery.

Original poster
Hollie93 · 10/04/2022 12:06

I’m not blaming anybody? It’s only since having children I have decided that is what I want to do?

OP posts:
Waxonwaxoff0 · 10/04/2022 12:08

@Hollie93

DH earns a really good wage and we could afford for me not to work, but I want to, obviously in case we split up. We can afford for me to retrain whilst I am working part time, it is midwifery! I understand money won’t be great but it is where my heart is and I will kick myself if I don’t do it.

I love being at home with the kids but resentful that DH has progressed and I haven’t and want that independence. We could afford full time childcare if he paid for most of it? Should
I really expect him to do that for me?

They're his kids as well. Why shouldn't he pay for some of the childcare?
BoredZelda · 10/04/2022 12:08

His wages can pay the childcare.

Your career will suffer, you’re a mum, that’s how it is. It will still take a hit if you work full time. But going back full time will certainly help. More importantly, if you are resentful about being made to work part time, it may well destroy your relationship.

Nomoreusernames1244 · 10/04/2022 12:09

We could afford full time childcare if he paid for most of it? Should
I really expect him to do that for me?

Fucks sake.

Of course he should. Why in earth do you think he shouldn’t?

And it’s not “for you”, it’s for his children. Get out of the mindset now that anything child related (or house) is your expense and responsibility.

Do you have joint accounts? How are you set up? Is all the child stuff coming out of your account only? What does he use this big wage for?

Have you set up a private pension to compensate for the reduction in yours while you work pt?

Childcare should be a shared cost. And you should also have equality of pensions.

Go back to work and get your career back on track. He can pay for childcare, or at the very least his share.

Original poster
Hollie93 · 10/04/2022 12:10

So it’s a given when you be one a mum your career suffers?

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 10/04/2022 12:11

Why wouldn’t he it for full time childcare if it helps you get a career

And why are you worried he would leave

Loopytiles · 10/04/2022 12:11

I found going PT dreadful for my career, went full time to get better work and haven’t had a promotion since DC1, now a teenager, was born. Whereas DH got to be a father and build his career and earnings.

The ‘motherhood penalty’ is real.

Is your plan to do a degree full time then seek something higher paid? Wouldn’t recommend studying on top of 24 hours a week paid work and DC.

EV117 · 10/04/2022 12:11

DH earns a really good wage and we could afford for me not to work, but I want to, obviously in case we split up.

Then surely you could afford childcare between you if you worked full time?

8dpwoah · 10/04/2022 12:11

Ah ok I see a bit more where you're coming from now OP. You have found a career you want to go into, which is great and admirable so long term all good.

Can you work while doing a midwifery degree? My understanding is it's pretty intense and the NHS offers a bit of help towards living costs in acknowledment of this.

Second question is how will your childcare work when you're on placement and on shifts? That's what put me off NHS work (looked into it when made redundant) because with DPs job being as it is we would need grandparent support for this and none are near/well enough for a regular commitment (although thankfully fine for occasional help, so for things like parent's evenings which come into my current career).

I get that you want to ensure you will be ok if you split with partner, I don't think that's silly at all but I would think about how your costs would increase if you were buying in more childcare because you didn't have DP to fill gaps but also factor in maintenance payments etc.

But equally I would say if you've got your heart set on career and you can make the finances and logistics work then you shouldn't be put off. But I know most of the midwives I had contact with were PT anyway, the only one that wasn't had grownup kids and was a career changer too.

Original poster
Hollie93 · 10/04/2022 12:12

I’m not worried he would leave, but what if?

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 10/04/2022 12:12

So if you think working FT would be better for you and your earnings prospects, do that!

RiverSkater · 10/04/2022 12:12

@konasana totally agree!

Tell your DP. Maybe ask if he'd like to go part time? Maybe you both do four days a week to get time to spend with your DC.

Toomanyradishes · 10/04/2022 12:14

@Hollie93

DH earns a really good wage and we could afford for me not to work, but I want to, obviously in case we split up. We can afford for me to retrain whilst I am working part time, it is midwifery! I understand money won’t be great but it is where my heart is and I will kick myself if I don’t do it.

I love being at home with the kids but resentful that DH has progressed and I haven’t and want that independence. We could afford full time childcare if he paid for most of it? Should
I really expect him to do that for me?

He wouldnt be paying childcare for you, you are not a child. He would be paying childcare for his children, like a parent should.

You arent behind in ypur career because you are a mum (although this can impact it) its because you have walked blindly into a situation where your life, finances and career seem to be the only ones impacted by having children and mr bigshot high earner dh gets to sail on as if nothing has happened.

Loopytiles · 10/04/2022 12:14

Agree it’s good to think through scenarios, eg half of marriages end.