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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel upset over cake?

179 replies

Thistledew · 10/04/2022 08:10

It seems so trivial, I probably am BU.

It's DD's birthday tomorrow. DH likes baking and usually bakes a cake for the DC's birthdays and I do the decorating.

Earlier in the week we had a discussion about what sort of cake to make. DH suggested a chocolate fudge, which I thought would be a bit rich for DD, who will be 2. As she loves colourful things and naming colours, I suggested a rainbow sponge cake - or at least a simplified version with two or three different coloured layers. DH agreed this was a good idea and bought the ingredients, including red, orange and yellow food colouring to do a three layer cake.

Yesterday, he baked the cakes. I thought they looked a bit pale so I asked if he had used the food colouring. He said that forgot that we had talked about a coloured sponge and he had it in mind that we were just going to put colour in the icing.

It seems so trivial, and I known in the grand scheme of things that it doesn't matter and DD will love whatever cake we produce, but this is something that happens often- I will tell DH something, or we will have a discussion, and he will then just 'forget'.

It seems symptomatic of a bigger problem- it used to be that he wouldn't hear me when I tried to talk to him about something. Now he hears me but he forgets.

AIBU to feel that the issue is more about him zoning out and not engaging with me properly? If IABU, how do I raise this with him without it being a big moan about a trivial issue of the colour of a cake?

OP posts:
OceanAtTheEnd · 10/04/2022 08:14

I completely relate to this - DH and I talk about something and decide how we'd like to approach it, then DH just completely forgets and does it any old way. I have no idea what the solution is, but it feels really frustrating after a decade +.

starrynight21 · 10/04/2022 08:24

He didn't really zone out - I mean he did go and buy the colourings, so he remembered up to that point. He just forgot to use them when he was making the cake. Personally I wouldn't let it bother me - your DD is 2, she won't know or care that the layers were supposed to be different colours. There will be many reasons to get frustrated in the future - don't let a cake be the hill you want to die on.

Teeturtle · 10/04/2022 08:31

Total non event.

PotteringAlong · 10/04/2022 08:33

Mountain / molehill.

Furrbabymama87 · 10/04/2022 08:36

Go to Asda. Buy a Peppa Pig cake. Done.

GoFishandChips · 10/04/2022 08:38

Buy the cake you want her to have in future. What are the examples of the other things he does like that? To be honest if I was baking a cake for my daughter I might well adapt it to what work load suited me despite what my husband wished due to the fact I'm the one doing the bulk of the work.

Missey85 · 10/04/2022 08:39

Your dd is two she won't even notice?

Sirzy · 10/04/2022 08:39

He forgot to put the colour in when making it. It really isn’t an issue

RampantIvy · 10/04/2022 08:40

@Furrbabymama87

Go to Asda. Buy a Peppa Pig cake. Done.
It won't taste anything like as good as the home made cake. Just do colourful icing.

My DH "forgets" stuff all the time, but he does display ADHD traits, and scored highly on an ADHD test recently.

NarcissasMumintheDoghouse · 10/04/2022 08:41

Forget about the cake.

Forget about those making the mountain/molehill comments, as if this were really just only about a cake.

Start making a diary of the occasions when he does this sort of thing. If it turns out it is a regular occurrence - that you will have a discussion and come to a decision that he then forgets - then you have a problem that needs addressing.

Living with someone who forgets or misremembers things like this all the time can be a proper challenge. Unless your DH is old enough to be in the "senior moment" zone, if it is a regular thing, you need to address it as a pair.

Make the cake incident the first such event on your list.

Also, have a look at "ADHD: an A to Z" by Leanne Maskell.

GeneLovesJezebel · 10/04/2022 08:41

You need to not raise it until after the birthday, and find other examples than the cake, or he will think you are nagging about the cake.
My DH does this if I ever am critical in any way about money, even if it’s not actually about the money, he just throws it back at me that all I’m bothered about is money.

LubaLuca · 10/04/2022 08:42

He remembered to bake the cake. The icing can be coloured using the colours he remembered to buy. I'd be happy enough with that result.

Furrbabymama87 · 10/04/2022 08:42

If the home made cake causes this much stress and the OP to write an essay long post, I'm sticking with Peppa 🐖

Gizacluethen · 10/04/2022 08:43

I will tell DH something, or we will have a discussion, and he will then just 'forget' decide he can't be arsed and does what he wants.

WTF475878237NC · 10/04/2022 08:44

Most people are replying about the cake, so you're going to struggle if your husband is just as obtuse.

This isn't about cake! Cake is an example OP has used to illustrate a pattern.

Given what's happened in the thread already I'd suggest you focus on the theme of not feeling listened to and engaged with and how that makes you feel. I would avoid this specific example and pick less recent ones so there's possibly less chance of a defensive reaction about her birthday.

WotgunShedding · 10/04/2022 08:45

@starrynight21

He didn't really zone out - I mean he did go and buy the colourings, so he remembered up to that point. He just forgot to use them when he was making the cake. Personally I wouldn't let it bother me - your DD is 2, she won't know or care that the layers were supposed to be different colours. There will be many reasons to get frustrated in the future - don't let a cake be the hill you want to die on.
I think this. He actually bought the food colourings so it wasn’t a case of ignoring you, just forgetting. I’ve rerun some of the steps in my baking project over and over in my head and still forget to split the batter in half so it all ends up one colour etc so I relate to the unthinking automatic actions!
Ponoka7 · 10/04/2022 08:47
  • it used to be that he wouldn't hear me when I tried to talk to him about something. Now he hears me but he forgets.

He doesn't forgot/not hear you, he dismissed what you say. In anonymous research men admit that they disregard what's said by women. It used to be the case that police/services did as well. It's been shown that it can take a woman to say something at least three times for us to be taken seriously, but then we are accused of nagging. I'd look for other examples, because your DD won't care and as you say, you don't want it to be about a cake.

girlmom21 · 10/04/2022 08:48

He forgot. It happens. She's still having a colourful cake.

mnahmnah · 10/04/2022 08:48

I have this with DH, but he works nights and has for 6 years, so he’s a permanent zombie. I know there’s a good reason why he doesn’t take in any conversation, forgets everything I ever say etc. But it is very very frustrating! Is there any reason you think he could be like this? Has it always been the case or a recent development?

Dammitthisisshit · 10/04/2022 08:49

I get it OP. I go to great lengths to engage DH, eg we’re decorating one of the DCs bedrooms. I’ve researched beds (due to the shape of the room we couldn’t get what we wanted), tried to discuss with him, researched alternatives, discussed colour, etc. Then last night I dragged him upstairs to double check the fit before ordering a bed as we’d cleared the room and due to a squint wall and skirting boards it won’t quite fit and I wanted a second opinion on what we do now. DHs reply? Oh well I never knew what you were planning. 🙈

But in this case your DH did actually listen and buy the food colouring, so he genuinely just forgot. As you say your DD will love the cake anyway!

Though… unless there is a back story I don’t know any 2 year olds that would have found homemade chocolate fudge cake too rich (shop bought yes but homemade should be nice!) Perhaps he felt overruled so switched off a bit?

SpiderinaWingMirror · 10/04/2022 08:50

I wouldn't bother mentioning it.
If something is important just supervise him!

BluKorner · 10/04/2022 08:51

@Ponoka7

- it used to be that he wouldn't hear me when I tried to talk to him about something. Now he hears me but he forgets.

He doesn't forgot/not hear you, he dismissed what you say. In anonymous research men admit that they disregard what's said by women. It used to be the case that police/services did as well. It's been shown that it can take a woman to say something at least three times for us to be taken seriously, but then we are accused of nagging. I'd look for other examples, because your DD won't care and as you say, you don't want it to be about a cake.

Well he didn’t forget if he bought the food colourings himself…

The example you’ve given OP sounds like you’re making an issue about of a compete non event. Do you have other examples?

luxxlisbon · 10/04/2022 08:56

I dunno if I baked a cake and forgot to colour the sponge, or decided I couldn’t be bothered when the time came and thought it would be easier to colour the icing and my husband made a big deal about it because we ‘agreed’ on it before hand I would think he could F off and bake the cake himself next time!

You say you had a convo about it and he agreed to do the rainbow cake which you suggested, and the colours you suggested etc but you were the one dictating how he did it in the first place. Perhaps just think about how often this happens? He was doing a nice thing baking the birthday cake but you felt you had to step in and control the flavour and look, perhaps he just felt exhausted that he can’t just decide how his own task is going to go and therefore zoned out.
I’m not saying that reaction is right or mature but it is sort of understandable if it is happening regularly.

WonderingWanda · 10/04/2022 08:58

Can you give any more specific examples of him ignoring you op? Is it that he is forgetful with everything not just you? Is it that you feel he doesn't value your opinions or is it (don't take this the wrong way as I obviously don't know you at all) that you give a lot of instructions about how you want things done and he is quietly asserting his right to do things his own way? I only say this last suggestion because it sounded like he had an idea for what he wanted to do for the cake but you disregarded that because you had what you considered to be a better idea? Could it be that he also doesn't feel heard?

Isonthecase · 10/04/2022 09:00

Agreed, this is a bad example. I forgot to put raising agent in to my sons 2nd birthday cake, it happens! Do you have other examples?