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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel upset over cake?

179 replies

Thistledew · 10/04/2022 08:10

It seems so trivial, I probably am BU.

It's DD's birthday tomorrow. DH likes baking and usually bakes a cake for the DC's birthdays and I do the decorating.

Earlier in the week we had a discussion about what sort of cake to make. DH suggested a chocolate fudge, which I thought would be a bit rich for DD, who will be 2. As she loves colourful things and naming colours, I suggested a rainbow sponge cake - or at least a simplified version with two or three different coloured layers. DH agreed this was a good idea and bought the ingredients, including red, orange and yellow food colouring to do a three layer cake.

Yesterday, he baked the cakes. I thought they looked a bit pale so I asked if he had used the food colouring. He said that forgot that we had talked about a coloured sponge and he had it in mind that we were just going to put colour in the icing.

It seems so trivial, and I known in the grand scheme of things that it doesn't matter and DD will love whatever cake we produce, but this is something that happens often- I will tell DH something, or we will have a discussion, and he will then just 'forget'.

It seems symptomatic of a bigger problem- it used to be that he wouldn't hear me when I tried to talk to him about something. Now he hears me but he forgets.

AIBU to feel that the issue is more about him zoning out and not engaging with me properly? If IABU, how do I raise this with him without it being a big moan about a trivial issue of the colour of a cake?

OP posts:

PussInBin20 · 10/04/2022 09:01

I think sometimes it is a symptom to excuse laziness. He just didn’t want to bother and did what was easiest but then feigned he just forgot.

My DH does this too and thinks up excuses on the spot. He will say “well I thought this, I thought that” but if that excuse doesn’t work, he will finally say he forgot. Although he does forget things a lot that aren’t that important to him.

I called him out on it one year big time and said I would just prefer him to be honest and if he didn’t want to bother doing X, Y, Z, he should just say! I hated all the excuses (lies).

Maybe your DH intended to do the agreed design but then had a change of heart but didn’t want to admit to it?

SheWoreYellow · 10/04/2022 09:02

My DH is a bit like this. Oddly he doesn’t ‘forget’ things to do with work or his friends. I have concluded that he just doesn’t give a shit about the minutiae of family life.

DollyPartBaked · 10/04/2022 09:05

@WTF475878237NC

Most people are replying about the cake, so you're going to struggle if your husband is just as obtuse.

This isn't about cake! Cake is an example OP has used to illustrate a pattern.

Given what's happened in the thread already I'd suggest you focus on the theme of not feeling listened to and engaged with and how that makes you feel. I would avoid this specific example and pick less recent ones so there's possibly less chance of a defensive reaction about her birthday.

This - I was reading the responses thinking it's not about the cake!!!

I have a similar problem where my DH forgets or doesn't listen and it's incredibly frustrating - but he's not lazy and makes an effort with lots of things in our life (like I assume your DH who baked the cake!).

I would bring it up but not as a reaction about the specific thing he hasn't listened to ie. on this occasion, the cake. Otherwise the argument becomes about that incident rather than a general thing!

LizzoBennett · 10/04/2022 09:08

This is a really stupid issue to raise your overarching concern over. Surely you have a better example that you can use if you want to discuss him not paying attention to what you say?

DollyPartBaked · 10/04/2022 09:08

@PussInBin20 ah my DH does this to, he tries to respectively reason why he has done something / not done something as if there was an actual thought process rather than he couldn't be bothered or forgot.

HardbackWriter · 10/04/2022 09:10

@WTF475878237NC

Most people are replying about the cake, so you're going to struggle if your husband is just as obtuse.

This isn't about cake! Cake is an example OP has used to illustrate a pattern.

But it's such a poor example that it's hard to tell what it says about the relationship in general. OP told her DH how to do a task that only he was doing (and made it quite a lot more work - it's a lot quicker to make a chocolate fudge cake than a cake with three different layers), he took this on board but then forgot in the execution. If that is indicative of the general pattern then I think there's fault on both sides.

Lampan · 10/04/2022 09:15

I can understand you being upset if you are worried it may be a sign of something serious and medical such as memory issues.

If it’s just that he absentmindedly forgot, you need to get a grip. Have you never forgotten to do something minor and unimportant?

BeyondMyWits · 10/04/2022 09:15

It is not about the cake, but not necessarily about him not listening either.

He bakes.
He wanted to make a chocolate fudge cake.
Op poo-pooed that idea.
Op wanted a rainbow cake.
He prepped for that.
He forgot a step and suggested a workaround.
Op is still upset , even though she ended up with a perfectly usable cake.

How many of his failures to engage start with his ideas being set aside?

greenlynx · 10/04/2022 09:27

I’m a bit torn on this one. I suppose when he baked he didn’t follow the recipe and just did things automatically. It’s easy to do as you usually do with baking/ cooking. I know as I’m the baker of the house.
So he might feel a bit hurt if you dismiss his efforts.
However I really hate this approach that you have to be happy whatever is done and not complain and so on. So maybe if you feel strongly about the cake you can suggest redoing it or buying another one calmly and politely, not from “you never listen to me “ point of view but rather from “DD is expecting colourful cake, she would be so excited” point of view.
The extra cake could be frozen if it’s uniced and used up next weekend or whenever.
In our household extra cake never present a problem tbh.
Make sure you follow up when the situation is important for you in the future but think what would be your reaction if the places are reversed. My DH asked me this and I’ve realised that in some situations I would be very upset to get from him the reaction he’s getting from me.

HardbackWriter · 10/04/2022 09:37

However I really hate this approach that you have to be happy whatever is done and not complain and so on. So maybe if you feel strongly about the cake you can suggest redoing it or buying another one calmly and politely, not from “you never listen to me “ point of view but rather from “DD is expecting colourful cake, she would be so excited” point of view.

She's turning two!

sunlight81 · 10/04/2022 09:40

Choose ur battles wisely.

How often does this occur? It is "minor" stuff or major too? How does he do with the big ticket items? Do u feel Loved? Is he a good dad? Does he treat u with respect?

Honestly I have put aside a few very irritating flaws on the basis that in the main he is a good guy and no one (Inc me) is perfect.

AlisonDonut · 10/04/2022 09:43

When your husband does this, does it always end up with you having more to do, and him having less?

Snowflakes1122 · 10/04/2022 09:45

What’s his memory like? Because this is exactly the sort of thing I would do, because I am incredibly forgetful

luxxlisbon · 10/04/2022 09:47

”DD is expecting colourful cake, she would be so excited” point of view.

DD wasn’t expecting a colourful cake though, I think this is an important poin. There is no suggestion that DH was baking a cake that DD didn’t want or wouldn’t like just to take the easy way, it was simply that OP didn’t like his choice and she wanted him to make a different and more complicated cake.
The DD is a red herring here, it was only OPs choice.
She’s a kid, I’m sure she would have absolutely loved a home made chocolate cake too, there wasn’t anything ‘wrong’ with the original idea.

TigerLilyTail · 10/04/2022 09:48

I too think you need to look at the bigger picture and figure out why he did this.

My Ex would often pretend to agree with me then “forget” and do it the way he wanted. He was very passive aggressive.

I agree with keeping track of this kind of incident and look for a pattern.

Woeismethischristmas · 10/04/2022 09:52

Missing the point but when I did a rainbow cake the yellow dye tasted awful and we didn’t eat that layer/ avoided the yellow icing. Was such a shame so maybe it’ll turn out for the best.

Whatsmyname100 · 10/04/2022 09:52

In this instance I can see how he could have made the easy mistake. Does it really matter that each layer is iced in color vs the actual cake being a color? I think you've lost sight of what's actually important- both her parents baking her cake for her special day. I think you are being quite petty here.

Original poster

Thistledew · 10/04/2022 09:53

A couple of recent examples of other times DH has 'forgotten' something:

DD was potty training and was doing really well, but was getting upset and resisting if we tried to put her on the potty rather than taking herself when she was ready. I told DH this and said to leave her to indicate that she needs to go. Literally 2 minutes later, DH tried to put her on the potty- cue screams and crying. DH said he 'forgot'.

My FiL usually collects DS from school once a week. He arrived with a list of dates when he couldn't do this because of various appointments. I was about to walk out the door to collect DD from nursery, so asked DH to put them in the e-calendar we use. DH 'forgot' and it was only because I thought to check whether or not he had done so that DS didn't end up being stranded at school the following week.

OP posts:

TheMadGardener · 10/04/2022 09:55

You sound quite hard to please tbh.

He wanted to bake a chocolate cake for his DD, which is lovely.
You banned the chocolate and wanted a rainbow cake.
He agreed to change.
He forgot a step when baking.
You moaned at him.

Cake is not ruined and if made with colourful icing I'm sure your DD will love it.
In fact I'm sure she'd love any cake her dad made for her.

She is two and won't even remember her second birthday, but will you secretly resent the cake for years? Will you "let" him make her a cake next year?

You think he doesn't listen to what you want but do you listen to what he wants?

My DH was rubbish at baking but my DDs still talk with affection about the wonky hedgehog cake he made for DD1's seventh birthday. He died when our DDs were 14 and 12.

Be kind to each other, you never know what the future will hold.

DebussytoaDiscoBeat · 10/04/2022 09:55

@BeyondMyWits

It is not about the cake, but not necessarily about him not listening either.

How many of his failures to engage start with his ideas being set aside?

I think this is a good summary. I imagine if OP posted that she was making the cake and her DH started dictating how it should or shouldn't be done then getting upset that she's not done it to his standards then I very much doubt anyone would be saying "your husband should keep a diary of how many times you refuse to do as he instructs."

Diverseopinions · 10/04/2022 09:57

I think you are making too much of it. He's probably an impressionistic person, who picks up the general theme - e.g. ' rainbow', and feels it doesn't matter which way you do it. Which it doesn't. It is just the way he is. Obviously, he's not very practical, or he wouldn't be thinking chocolate fudge cake, in a it's rich glory, for a little child, who might be sick.
Let's face it, those layers of rainbow colours are not that easy to do. He's done a sensible solution.

At least he mucks in. Maybe work and the bigger life-changing issues occupy his sub-conscious thoughts and he's a type who works with a hierarchy pyramid of priorities, giving most of his unconscious cogitating to survival. I wouldn't really obsess about these things. At the worst, he's a poor listener.

girlmom21 · 10/04/2022 09:58

So the issue is he doesn't do as he's told?

Zonder · 10/04/2022 10:01

I'm like your DH. I have ADHD. Does he? I can genuinely agree to something and then truly forget by the time I've got to the next room. It must be infuriating for my DH.

Sometimes my DH texts me to say don't forget we agreed x&y. I find that really helpful.

However it is worth making sure you really did both agree, or did you just tell him and he said ok?

Original poster

Thistledew · 10/04/2022 10:02

The fudge cake DH makes is delicious, but is very rich, and quite a 'grown up' chocolate taste. DD is not keen on very rich desserts. DH made one for DS's 2nd birthday and I remember DS spitting it out and literally scraping it off his tongue- he most definitely did not enjoy it, hence suggesting something different for DD to enjoy.

OP posts:

MiddleClassProblem · 10/04/2022 10:04

I can see the potty trading being frustrating but understandable if he was in the habit of doing it one way.

But all other examples are just basic forgetfulness that most people have. You just forget things too sometimes op?

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