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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel upset over cake?

179 replies

Thistledew · 10/04/2022 08:10

It seems so trivial, I probably am BU.

It's DD's birthday tomorrow. DH likes baking and usually bakes a cake for the DC's birthdays and I do the decorating.

Earlier in the week we had a discussion about what sort of cake to make. DH suggested a chocolate fudge, which I thought would be a bit rich for DD, who will be 2. As she loves colourful things and naming colours, I suggested a rainbow sponge cake - or at least a simplified version with two or three different coloured layers. DH agreed this was a good idea and bought the ingredients, including red, orange and yellow food colouring to do a three layer cake.

Yesterday, he baked the cakes. I thought they looked a bit pale so I asked if he had used the food colouring. He said that forgot that we had talked about a coloured sponge and he had it in mind that we were just going to put colour in the icing.

It seems so trivial, and I known in the grand scheme of things that it doesn't matter and DD will love whatever cake we produce, but this is something that happens often- I will tell DH something, or we will have a discussion, and he will then just 'forget'.

It seems symptomatic of a bigger problem- it used to be that he wouldn't hear me when I tried to talk to him about something. Now he hears me but he forgets.

AIBU to feel that the issue is more about him zoning out and not engaging with me properly? If IABU, how do I raise this with him without it being a big moan about a trivial issue of the colour of a cake?

OP posts:
Cakecakecheese · 10/04/2022 10:48

Yes people forget stuff, it happens, but if you feel like you're constantly having to check what he's done then it gets exhausting.

BellePeppa · 10/04/2022 10:49

@chisanunian

Now he hears me but he forgets

Yep, I have one of those. They listen, but it's like what you've told them is so fundamentally trivial and unimportant to them, they can't even be bothered to remember it.

It's not a nice feeling, is it? YANBU.

It’s probably a male thing and nothing personal. My sons do exactly the same. I talk to them about something and they haven’t heard/absorbed a word (they’re young adults not children).
DancingBarefootOnIce · 10/04/2022 10:50

Unfortunately you get people focusing on the specific cake example rather than the issue of your husband constantly doing this. It’s frustrating and I understand but don’t have much suggestions other than talk to him about it and provide examples but not sure how he’ll react.

I also get that the husband did the majority of work but it’s frustrating if you agree something and the person does something different. If you respect a mutual decision when you do the majority of work then it’s not fair is it.

Prinnny · 10/04/2022 10:51

I actually feel quite sorry for your DH, crying over uncoloured cake sponge is ridiculous.

EmbarrassingHadrosaurus · 10/04/2022 10:53

@Prinnny

I actually feel quite sorry for your DH, crying over uncoloured cake sponge is ridiculous.
It's not about the cake as the OP has made clear in subsequent posts.
Maternitynamechange · 10/04/2022 10:53

Appreciate that this might happen a lot but maybe he did it his own way since he didn’t went to do three separate coloured sponges and actually just wanted to make a fudge cake for his daughter.

MajorCarolDanvers · 10/04/2022 10:54

Sounds like he is absent minded or processes information differently.

Probably better if you accept this is who he is as it's unlikely to be something he can change. I doubt he is doing it to piss you off. Probably doesn't even realise it's annoying.

closetmeupandshootmetotheskies · 10/04/2022 10:55

Do you remember your 2nd birthday? Are you really upset, or just pisssed off the photos to whack on social media won't look perfect? That's the crux of the issue, isn't it?

You're being ridiculous.

EmbarrassingHadrosaurus · 10/04/2022 10:59

@MajorCarolDanvers

Sounds like he is absent minded or processes information differently.

Probably better if you accept this is who he is as it's unlikely to be something he can change. I doubt he is doing it to piss you off. Probably doesn't even realise it's annoying.

It would only be possible to not realise it was annoying if he were to disregard every conversation they've had about it.

It would need a lot more information than in present in a conversation on a SM forum to know if this is unlikely to be something he can change because only OP knows if her DH is like this in work and other areas of life.

StScholastica · 10/04/2022 11:02

You sound quite bossy to me.
He wanted to do chocolate cake and you vetoed that, he tried to comply with your change of plan (that was apparantly agreed between you Hmm) but failed the quality control.
I will give you two a couple more years together at most.

Antarcticant · 10/04/2022 11:02

Do you remember your 2nd birthday?

Quite a few people can remember their 2nd birthday - I can.

BellePeppa · 10/04/2022 11:02

@DancingBarefootOnIce

Unfortunately you get people focusing on the specific cake example rather than the issue of your husband constantly doing this. It’s frustrating and I understand but don’t have much suggestions other than talk to him about it and provide examples but not sure how he’ll react.

I also get that the husband did the majority of work but it’s frustrating if you agree something and the person does something different. If you respect a mutual decision when you do the majority of work then it’s not fair is it.

They focus on the cake because title asked if they were being unreasonable about cake. Maybe the post should have focused on her husbands memory/focus with the cake being just a brief example?
MiddleClassProblem · 10/04/2022 11:03

People forget important things all the time too.

DH is more forgetful than I am and there’s no malice in it. It’s annoying but I forget things too and it’s one of his faulty so I know how to handle it and to expect it at times.

The calendar thing, it’s not like you got to the day he couldn’t pick him up and it all went to crap. It sounds like you picked him up on it later that day. Sometimes you’re in the middle of something or there are time sensitive things you need to do first and then you forget but you might remember later.

StScholastica · 10/04/2022 11:04

Antarcticant
And would you be upset if your cake wasn't colourful enough?

Acappuchinoplease · 10/04/2022 11:07

Dp does this all the time and it’s infuriating. Even if it’s nipping to the shop for something, he will come back with something completely different. He always says “I just forget” in a really feeble voice. Funny how he doesn’t forget useless stupid facts he’s read on the internet or things for himself. Drives me insane

GrapesThatThrive · 10/04/2022 11:10

It's not about the fucking cake!

My DH is very like this and I sympathise OP. It's exhausting

Original poster
Thistledew · 10/04/2022 11:11

@Pluvia - I empathise more with you than your DH in the situation you describe. There have been many times when DH has suggested we do X, I've suggested Y because reasons, DH has continued to do X - and I've not complained or felt upset because he's perfectly able to make decisions for himself. But then X hasn't worked and DH has looked to me to solve the problem, which generally has been to do Y instead.

It's not DH's decision to do X that bothers me, but his surprise that it doesn't work, which is why I suggested Y in the first place.

OP posts:
EmbarrassingHadrosaurus · 10/04/2022 11:12

@GrapesThatThrive

It's not about the fucking cake!

My DH is very like this and I sympathise OP. It's exhausting

The minimisation on this thread by posters who very clearly have no idea about what this is like…
diddl · 10/04/2022 11:14

Does he do any school collections?

If not, is it a case of not being concerned about what doesn't affect him?

Maternitynamechange · 10/04/2022 11:15

Okay I’ve read your other posts. The real issue here is that you’re taking on all of the mental load and it would be nice for DH to use his own initiative so you didn’t have to.

This is complicated by the fact though that when he does (case in point) you override with your own agenda. It doesn’t give him a great deal of motivation to act under his own steam.

rwalker · 10/04/2022 11:15

Honestly you sound hard work and you micro manage I'd zone out .

watcherintherye · 10/04/2022 11:16

The dh could just as easily use all of the examples the op cited, as proof of her controlling behaviour. It’s all about the op’s vision of how things should be done. I feel qualified to speak abut this, as I fight very hard against the same tendencies.

I know just what it’s like to feel that my way is best, and, if allowed free rein, it’s very destructive for any relationship. E.g. I have to bite my tongue when dh is loading the dishwasher. I could stand over him and direct operations, but I don’t (any more!) If his haphazard and frankly inefficient loading irks me too much, I wait till he’s gone and rearrange it. (Still probably a sign of micromanaging, but at least he doesn’t know, and sometimes I even leave it, and it’s ok!)

Ask yourself each time if it really matters, before wading in, op. Sometimes it will, many times it definitely won’t. Don’t sweat the small stuff, as they say!

Maternitynamechange · 10/04/2022 11:17

He isn’t going to take on his share of mental load until he’s made a couple of mistakes and learned the hard way that you’re not going to pick up the slack. Like being late for pick up. It’s not ideal but let it happen and let him deal with the fallout. Still think the cake thing is a non issue though.

Dancer47 · 10/04/2022 11:17

@StScholastica

You sound quite bossy to me. He wanted to do chocolate cake and you vetoed that, he tried to comply with your change of plan (that was apparantly agreed between you Hmm) but failed the quality control. I will give you two a couple more years together at most.
^^ THIS. He'll be gone.
DdraigGoch · 10/04/2022 11:18

@PussInBin20

I think sometimes it is a symptom to excuse laziness. He just didn’t want to bother and did what was easiest but then feigned he just forgot.

My DH does this too and thinks up excuses on the spot. He will say “well I thought this, I thought that” but if that excuse doesn’t work, he will finally say he forgot. Although he does forget things a lot that aren’t that important to him.

I called him out on it one year big time and said I would just prefer him to be honest and if he didn’t want to bother doing X, Y, Z, he should just say! I hated all the excuses (lies).

Maybe your DH intended to do the agreed design but then had a change of heart but didn’t want to admit to it?

How can it be laziness? He'd bought the colouring, it isn't exactly an arduous task to mix it in so the effort involved can't be the reason.

The number of times you'd hear me say "oh shit!" in my kitchen as I realised I'd forgotten to do something is unreal.