To feel upset over cake?

[Thistledew]

It seems so trivial, I probably am BU.

It's DD's birthday tomorrow. DH likes baking and usually bakes a cake for the DC's birthdays and I do the decorating.

Earlier in the week we had a discussion about what sort of cake to make. DH suggested a chocolate fudge, which I thought would be a bit rich for DD, who will be 2. As she loves colourful things and naming colours, I suggested a rainbow sponge cake - or at least a simplified version with two or three different coloured layers. DH agreed this was a good idea and bought the ingredients, including red, orange and yellow food colouring to do a three layer cake.

Yesterday, he baked the cakes. I thought they looked a bit pale so I asked if he had used the food colouring. He said that forgot that we had talked about a coloured sponge and he had it in mind that we were just going to put colour in the icing.

It seems so trivial, and I known in the grand scheme of things that it doesn't matter and DD will love whatever cake we produce, but this is something that happens often- I will tell DH something, or we will have a discussion, and he will then just 'forget'.

It seems symptomatic of a bigger problem- it used to be that he wouldn't hear me when I tried to talk to him about something. Now he hears me but he forgets.

AIBU to feel that the issue is more about him zoning out and not engaging with me properly? If IABU, how do I raise this with him without it being a big moan about a trivial issue of the colour of a cake?

Omg no words

Would you or do you also zone out if he talked about something that didn't particularly interest you? Just curious. I do think that men and women's brains and what holds their interest generally differ. I think that he did a pretty good job of listening to be fair.

It sounds like you’re on his case every step of the way, op. No wonder he ‘forgets’, whether deliberately or subconsciously. You rubbish his ideas, check whether he’s done things the way you told him to. Reprimand him like a naughty child. That’s quite hard to live with. Maybe it’s his way of rebelling!

The cake is a non-issue. Colour the icing, leave it be.

Not putting the dates in the calendar was really not cool. That’s a legitimate issue. If your DS had been ‘stuck at school’ then your DH would have needed to drop what he was doing (work, I assume) and leave to sort it out. Then he’d remember better next time.

The potty training is one of those where it didn’t really matter in the end - your DD screamed, your DH would have remembered at that point. But it sounds like you jumped in to remonstrate?

You do sound a bit controlling.
He does sound a bit laid back and/or forgetful.

Unfortunately what can happen is that as the dynamic interacts you both go further towards your unhelpful extremes, rather than meeting in the middle. You get more frustrated and more dictatorial. He thinks ‘Eh, might as well not use my initiative’ …

He made a mistake. I like the idea of the rainbow buttercream colours.

She'll still be excited.

Wow, I totally relate to this. I feel completely invisible in our relationship sometimes. Is your DH like this in other environments too ? Mine is so I have had to accept that he is quite self absorbed, but wonderful in every other way. I could not let it go if he were attentive to other people and ignored me.

My DH used to forget things when he disagreed with them. So if i suggested something and he had a different opinion instead of letting me know he would agree with me then later do thing his own way and say he had forgotten.

This is because he was raised in a very passive aggressive household where his parents never had a proper conversation never discussed things and they just do what they like and upset each other

Over time he has come to understand how disrepectful this is, but it took time because he was brought up to think verbally disagreeing with someone was far worse than agreeing with them then doing it your own way.

So did your DH forget, or did he do it the way he wanted he just didnt want to discuss it with you?

I'm not saying I have a perfect memory, and to be fair my memory is a lot better in general than DH's, but some things are important to remember.

For instance, if I had forgotten to note the dates when FIL was there I would have phone him some short time after and made sure they were in the diary, because it's important to know if we have to collect DS from school.

I think YABU, even with your updated examples, you sound a little controlling getting upset when he doesn’t do things the exact way you’ve requested, especially with the DD and potty one, he is her parent, totally ok for him to not do it your exact way. Also it just sounds like a bit of a personality clash, he’s forgetful and a little more relaxed, you are particular and have high expectations, doesn’t make either of you wrong, just different. He could probably do with making effort were possible (but I do think he’s right not to do everything the exact way you want it if he doesn’t want to) and you could do with cutting him some slack. So he forgot to stick something in the calendar, you remembered so no harm done (although I do understand it’s frustrating feeling like the responsible one). And the cake, he forgot the colour inside, she’s 2 and absolutely couldn’t care less, no harm done! You still got to pick the design and flavour and she still gets a great cake, success.

@Thistledew

A couple of recent examples of other times DH has 'forgotten' something:

DD was potty training and was doing really well, but was getting upset and resisting if we tried to put her on the potty rather than taking herself when she was ready. I told DH this and said to leave her to indicate that she needs to go. Literally 2 minutes later, DH tried to put her on the potty- cue screams and crying. DH said he 'forgot'.

My FiL usually collects DS from school once a week. He arrived with a list of dates when he couldn't do this because of various appointments. I was about to walk out the door to collect DD from nursery, so asked DH to put them in the e-calendar we use. DH 'forgot' and it was only because I thought to check whether or not he had done so that DS didn't end up being stranded at school the following week.

This does seem very thoughtless, I can see why you are upset.

I love to bake and I plan to decorate things a certain way or do things a certain way but when I'm actually doing the banking it's only at the end or when it's too late I remember. For example I planned to make a funfetti cake with sprinkles in the sponge. It was only when they were in the oven I remembered 🤦🏻‍♀️.

I think you need to focus on what matters. To be honest if I baked a cake and dh said anything other than thank you I'd be furious and definitely wouldn't be taking much notice of anything he had to say after that. I don't consult him on stuff like that or how I potty train etc. We trust each other to be competent adults who do the same jobs in different ways. When one of us screws up we work together to sort it.

Choose your battles. This is not one of them

It does sound a bit as though the things he forgets are things you've managed, instructed or coralled him into doing in the first place., and which maybe he's sometimes only half-heartedly gone along with to keep you happy, or because you seem to be invested in it when he's not fussed.

It's hard to say without a bit more background though. If he's generally a bit useless, or if he has a history of his way of doing things ending in chaos, then I can see why you feel the need to manage him. Whereas if it's more that you tend to just want your own way about how things are done, and you get frustrated when he doesn't prioritise detail that only you really find important, or forgets things which he doesn't really feel he agreed to do in the first place, then possibly YABU.

Certainly the cake thing wouldn't really bother me. I'd easily forget something like that myself. Your child is 2 - the cake will be exciting enough whatever colour it is!

You've had lots of advice re your dh and his forgetting so I won't help with that, but if you Google rainbow water icing lots of ideas come up to make a cake colourful. Tbh, a two year old would probably love it just cut in half and filled with jam & cream

Now he hears me but he forgets

Yep, I have one of those. They listen, but it's like what you've told them is so fundamentally trivial and unimportant to them, they can't even be bothered to remember it.

It's not a nice feeling, is it? YANBU.

@WTF475878237NC

Most people are replying about the cake, so you're going to struggle if your husband is just as obtuse.

This isn't about cake! Cake is an example OP has used to illustrate a pattern.

Given what's happened in the thread already I'd suggest you focus on the theme of not feeling listened to and engaged with and how that makes you feel. I would avoid this specific example and pick less recent ones so there's possibly less chance of a defensive reaction about her birthday.

I agree with both the above and every other poster who has reported this as a long standing issue.

I does not get easier to cope with and it doesn't get better. It's not small matters only, it's the every day small stuff and very significant matters.

Conversations to change this are subject to the same forgetting, ditto promises.

It's not the cake, in the same way that it wasn't the glass with Matthew Fray and for those of you familiar with the glass, he's now written a book: This is How Your Marriage Ends

www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1788168097/?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

matthewfray.com/#book

@Thistledew

It seems so trivial, I probably am BU.

It's DD's birthday tomorrow. DH likes baking and usually bakes a cake for the DC's birthdays and I do the decorating.

Earlier in the week we had a discussion about what sort of cake to make. DH suggested a chocolate fudge, which I thought would be a bit rich for DD, who will be 2. As she loves colourful things and naming colours, I suggested a rainbow sponge cake - or at least a simplified version with two or three different coloured layers. DH agreed this was a good idea and bought the ingredients, including red, orange and yellow food colouring to do a three layer cake.

Yesterday, he baked the cakes. I thought they looked a bit pale so I asked if he had used the food colouring. He said that forgot that we had talked about a coloured sponge and he had it in mind that we were just going to put colour in the icing.

It seems so trivial, and I known in the grand scheme of things that it doesn't matter and DD will love whatever cake we produce, but this is something that happens often- I will tell DH something, or we will have a discussion, and he will then just 'forget'.

It seems symptomatic of a bigger problem- it used to be that he wouldn't hear me when I tried to talk to him about something. Now he hears me but he forgets.

AIBU to feel that the issue is more about him zoning out and not engaging with me properly? If IABU, how do I raise this with him without it being a big moan about a trivial issue of the colour of a cake?

What about an action plan for doing e.g. X activities with the agreed plans on how to compete them, like a list of set instructions that you both agree upon ?

But written down

Ridiculous. Sorry.

For instance, if I had forgotten to note the dates when FIL was there I would have phone him some short time after and made sure they were in the diary, because it's important to know if we have to collect DS from school.

I feel like your choice of words here is interesting. You say “if I had forgotten I would have done it this way”. You checked the calendar and your DH hadn’t done what you said - annoying - but did he have the chance to remember to rectify this? Would he have remembered his dad said he couldn’t collect on Tuesday? He might have…

Do you think there’s any chance you are a little perfectionist and because he’s not you’re becoming overly focused on it and he’s retreating further?

It does sound a bit as though the things he forgets are things you've managed, instructed or coralled him into doing in the first place., and which maybe he's sometimes only half-heartedly gone along with to keep you happy, or because you seem to be invested in it when he's not fussed.

Like making a note of information from his own father about when he and can't collect DC from school? Did OP invent the need for kids to be picked up from school?

Sigh. Husband is a bit useless and is refusing to engage with OP, and the upshot as usual from many posters is that she is nagging, controlling and "moaning at him" because they agree to things he is subsequently apparently unable to remember and implement.

*It seems symptomatic of a bigger problem- it used to be that he wouldn't hear me when I tried to talk to him about something. Now he hears me but he forgets.

AIBU to feel that the issue is more about him zoning out and not engaging with me properly?*

Sounds like HE's the one being controlling to me. This is a very easy way for him to ignore stuff he doesn't want to deal with.

What about an action plan for doing e.g. X activities with the agreed plans on how to compete them, like a list of set instructions that you both agree upon ?

I’d probably leave my husband if he suggested we needed an agreed set of instructions to manage household tasks. I’m not a child.

You need to try and shrug the little things off. I don't want to sound patronising but this nit picking will cause no end of issues. So he forgot your instructions about cake/potty training/writing dates on the calendar.

These things happen, frustrating though it may be.

Look at the bigger picture, is he a loving dh and df? That is what counts.

Would he have remembered his dad said he couldn’t collect on Tuesday? He might have…

If the agreement is it needs to go in the family calendar then it needs to go in the family calendar. Why should OP have to be dependant on her husband POSSIBLY remembering this?