To feel upset over cake?

[Thistledew]

It seems so trivial, I probably am BU.

It's DD's birthday tomorrow. DH likes baking and usually bakes a cake for the DC's birthdays and I do the decorating.

Earlier in the week we had a discussion about what sort of cake to make. DH suggested a chocolate fudge, which I thought would be a bit rich for DD, who will be 2. As she loves colourful things and naming colours, I suggested a rainbow sponge cake - or at least a simplified version with two or three different coloured layers. DH agreed this was a good idea and bought the ingredients, including red, orange and yellow food colouring to do a three layer cake.

Yesterday, he baked the cakes. I thought they looked a bit pale so I asked if he had used the food colouring. He said that forgot that we had talked about a coloured sponge and he had it in mind that we were just going to put colour in the icing.

It seems so trivial, and I known in the grand scheme of things that it doesn't matter and DD will love whatever cake we produce, but this is something that happens often- I will tell DH something, or we will have a discussion, and he will then just 'forget'.

It seems symptomatic of a bigger problem- it used to be that he wouldn't hear me when I tried to talk to him about something. Now he hears me but he forgets.

AIBU to feel that the issue is more about him zoning out and not engaging with me properly? If IABU, how do I raise this with him without it being a big moan about a trivial issue of the colour of a cake?

1. Maybe he secretly hates you and is deliberately doing the opposite of what you tell him just to undermine you.

1. Or he thinks you are controlling and your "discussions" of what is "agreed" are actually you laying down the line and he is sick of it.

1. He couldn't be arsed and thought "fuck it" given that he's the one actually making the cake.

Or

1. He forgot.

You sound like you micromanage as others have said and don't really give him much space to do his own thing. You have a my way is the right way attitude and that can become quite controlling.

That you expressed how disappointed you were that he didn't put food colouring in the cake is really a sign that you need to step back and better manage your feelings.

Your expectation that you should be directing DH in his actions and that you feel disappointed when he does something other than follow your directions is problematic.

It is likely that there are things DH wishes you did differently but it doesn't sound like he directs you throughout the day on how to do each of those and then sits you down to have a talk to express his disappointment if you don't do what he told you to do and how he told you to do it.

If you were a man - emotional abuse would be thrown around in the responses and frustration with his lack of respect for your autonomy as an adult.

My dh is same, I feel like he zones out when we talk then either does stuff his own way or forgets. He also refuses to write things down. But he's ok when it's stuff that's important tin him so I assume it's selective.

For goodness sake, you’re being very precious here! I’ve done it myself where I’ve forgotten to add an extra in the flow of baking. If you’re not happy bake it yourself next time. Are you always this controlling?