To feel upset over cake?

[Thistledew]

It seems so trivial, I probably am BU.

It's DD's birthday tomorrow. DH likes baking and usually bakes a cake for the DC's birthdays and I do the decorating.

Earlier in the week we had a discussion about what sort of cake to make. DH suggested a chocolate fudge, which I thought would be a bit rich for DD, who will be 2. As she loves colourful things and naming colours, I suggested a rainbow sponge cake - or at least a simplified version with two or three different coloured layers. DH agreed this was a good idea and bought the ingredients, including red, orange and yellow food colouring to do a three layer cake.

Yesterday, he baked the cakes. I thought they looked a bit pale so I asked if he had used the food colouring. He said that forgot that we had talked about a coloured sponge and he had it in mind that we were just going to put colour in the icing.

It seems so trivial, and I known in the grand scheme of things that it doesn't matter and DD will love whatever cake we produce, but this is something that happens often- I will tell DH something, or we will have a discussion, and he will then just 'forget'.

It seems symptomatic of a bigger problem- it used to be that he wouldn't hear me when I tried to talk to him about something. Now he hears me but he forgets.

AIBU to feel that the issue is more about him zoning out and not engaging with me properly? If IABU, how do I raise this with him without it being a big moan about a trivial issue of the colour of a cake?

I understand why this bothers you, you know how excited your child would be about a rainbow cake and she only turns 2 once. Yes there are bigger issues in the world but that doesn’t cancel out your disappointment.

My husband s exactly the same, either doesn’t listen or forgets, and it makes me feel so disregarded. Sadly I have no solutions!

@RampantIvy

Go to Asda. Buy a Peppa Pig cake. Done.
It won't taste anything like as good as the home made cake

You have not tried my aunt’s baking 😃

I think that because you are always telling him what to do, he just doesn't bother to argue with you. It's easier for him to agree and then just do it his way anyway.

Just let him make the cake how he wants.

Is the rainbow bit important because of the 'insta' appeal? And I think this is unfair too to DD DH made one for DS's 2nd birthday and I remember DS spitting it out and literally scraping it off his tongue- he most definitely did not enjoy it, hence suggesting something different for DD to enjoy.
So her brother doesn't like chocolate cake so no chocolate cake for her?

OP I'd suggest starting a new thread if you want to discuss his memory problems. Too many people will jump on you for being unreasonable re the cake, it's only a bit of food dye, you're hard work etc.

FWIW I also have a husband with severe memory recall problems. We are sure he has ADD (undiagnosed) but very much fits the criteria.

I would say the vast majority of conversations we have, he will forget. If the conversation is revisited it's usually met with a blank stare. He has to be constantly reminded of things. It's very frustrating.

@Gelasia

Would he have remembered his dad said he couldn’t collect on Tuesday? He might have…

If the agreement is it needs to go in the family calendar then it needs to go in the family calendar. Why should OP have to be dependant on her husband POSSIBLY remembering this?

I’ve already agreed upthread that this is the only one of OP’s examples that I think she’s got a point, and yes he should have put it in the calendar.

With highlighting her phrasing here I’m just asking, is it possible she instructs, then jumps in too quickly when it’s not done, gets frustrated with him (rightly, maybe) and it’s counterproductive leading to him stepping back even further? He might have remembered he didn’t put the dates on the calendar. He might not have - but then he’d have had to fix his fuck up. If she hadn’t been there when FIL brought his list of dates what would have happened? Who knows?

I’m not denying it’s a frustrating trait. I’m just saying if you treat other people with a ‘Well, if you did it MY way it would be better’ then it can be unhelpful.

Cake is cake, she’s 2, it will still be colourful just not what you pictured. If you wanted it the way you imagined then maybe you should have made it yourself or bought one?

I’m sure dd will love whatever cake she gets, she won’t remember her 2nd birthday in years to come.

@BeyondMyWits

It is not about the cake, but not necessarily about him not listening either.

He bakes.
He wanted to make a chocolate fudge cake.
Op poo-pooed that idea.
Op wanted a rainbow cake.
He prepped for that.
He forgot a step and suggested a workaround.
Op is still upset , even though she ended up with a perfectly usable cake.

How many of his failures to engage start with his ideas being set aside?

This. We've been talking about redesigning our garden for years. I'm good at this kind of thing: there's a strong design element in my paid work. I have a clear vision of how good it could look and how much easier it could be to maintain. I'm also the one most interested in gardening and prepared to pay for the work to be done well. But my partner hasn't much imagination and asked a local bloke to do a bit of path-building here and some stone-walling there. A year down the line my partner realises that none of it has actually solved any of the problems and wants me to sort something out to make it look and work better for us. I'm still angry at having my good ideas poo-pooed and frankly I can no longer be arsed. The new paths are in the wrong place and taking them up and relaying would be a nightmare. Even with my input the garden won't look anything like as good as it would have done. I can really empathise with the OP's husband.

OP, are you one of those people who look for help or assistance or support, but it has to be entirely on your terms? If so I can understand him just zoning out or sabotaging your plans.

FWIW I also have a husband with severe memory recall problems. We are sure he has ADD (undiagnosed) but very much fits the criteria.

I would say the vast majority of conversations we have, he will forget. If the conversation is revisited it's usually met with a blank stare. He has to be constantly reminded of things. It's very frustrating.

I'm fascinated by this because for one relative, it's only in the home setting. He's not like that in work (or, truly, he wouldn't have a job) and he wasn't like that in school so he'd never get a diagnosis. But, it is life-alteringly bad and miserable.

As others have said, make a list. If you ask him to do something, think about how important it is to you that its done your way. Can you ask him instead how he would like X done? Did he not agree with your potty training plan, or did he not listen? Did he think it should be your job to sort dds collection from nursery, or did he not listen?

It is notable that the 3 things relate to the dcs. Are they "your job" ? Does he do it with things that effect him? Does he forget to get his car MOTed etc.

@Bumbelinaaa

I understand why this bothers you, you know how excited your child would be about a rainbow cake and she only turns 2 once. Yes there are bigger issues in the world but that doesn’t cancel out your disappointment.

My husband s exactly the same, either doesn’t listen or forgets, and it makes me feel so disregarded. Sadly I have no solutions!

She is still getting a rainbow cake though! Decorated rainbow will be more striking to a 2 year old than a rainbow interior anyway. Also a 2 year old would be excited about any cake.

I wish my life was fretting over the colour of cake. Men, women, people forget things.

He might be passive aggressive or careless or have undiagnosed dyspraxia or ADHD, or be trying to subtly weaponise incompetence. Any of that may be true. But if somebody tried to micromanage everything I did, poopooed every suggestion I made and never gave me room for human error, it would be intolerable for me. I can't imagine how he feels. If a man was doing this to a woman over minor mistakes we would call him abusive. I've been in a relationship with somebody who was controlling and it made me lose all my confidence, and it was over minor things like how I washed the dishes or fried an egg or changed a nappy, just anything to undermine me and my intuition and initiative and submit to doing things his way, which he believed was the right way. And I was just an idiot who couldn't remember to write down a phone number or set the timer on the oven, or whatever. So I would look at your intention. Do you want him to do everything Your way at the expense of his autonomy because you feel like your way is the only right way? Or is he trying to weaponise incompetence and get you to do it for him? We all need room for human error in life. He may have problems with his working memory that make tasks like these especially difficult for him. If he doesn't want you to do it for him, and is apologetic but focused on solving the issue himself like in the cake incident I would assume he is making genuine errors not trying to get you to do it for him.

My husband forgets things constantly. It’s just who he is. Absent minded. Whereas I’m the complete opposite. It’s annoying but whatever.

Next time let him do his cake and if you must have it another way perhaps lower your expectations or do it yourself. He made a cake you wanted, suggested a perfectly reasonable alternative when he forgot (or frankly couldn’t be bothered making coloured layers honestly) to do what you wanted, and it wasn’t good enough. Did you want him to bin it and start again?

But I do think the person who is making the cake makes the cake the way they want unless you are paying them. You asked for sponge not chocolate fudge cake. He delivered sponge not chocolate fudge. Beyond that, his decision not yours.

I think in this instance , the cake is not ruined and there are great suggestions here regarding icing.

However , on the theme of men " forgetting " , it really affected my marriage and is one reason why I am glad to be getting rid of mine. I just couldn't cope with his lack of interest in family life. Then it made me feel like I was controlling having to micromanage everything. I lost all respect for him as I felt that he was just incompetent on purpose. I did try many times over the years to explain how it made me feel to never be able to delegate a task or rely on him for anything important. I did suggest if he needed help , to write instructions down, set reminders but no . Years of this wore me down, was shouty with frustration which wasn't right either and not nice for family. I am now wondering about ADHD and would have at least made me feel thar he was not deliberately being obtuse.

Wow, sorry for the total deviation from the OP post .

Let them eat rainbow icing cake !

I do this kind of thing a lot (I have inattentive adhd) and it kills be that the people I love might think they don’t matter to me. But that said, I have a ton of strategies to try and mitigate this because I don’t want to hurt people.

There’s an actual neurological reason for my fuck ups and it’s possible that there’s a similar reason for your dh’s but what I can’t work out from your posts is whether your dh cares about the effect on you or not. I mean forgetting that you agreed to make coloured sponge is one thing, but it seems a bit thoughtless to suggest a rich chocolate dessert your dd doesn’t like in the first place.

I can’t help how my brain works but I care enough about my family to try and do better. Does he?

DH made one for DS's 2nd birthday and I remember DS spitting it out and literally scraping it off his tongue- he most definitely did not enjoy it

This made me laugh for some reason. The brutal honesty of small children. I think the fudge cake sounds lovely!

Oh for goodness sake OP

What are you fishing for - for us to say LTB because what an arsehole he must be apparently not listening or respecting you enough to follow your specific instructions?

You sound like hard work and I feel sorry for your husband that he has failed to meet your exacting standards

Next time make the cake yourself

@EmbarrassingHadrosaurus

FWIW I also have a husband with severe memory recall problems. We are sure he has ADD (undiagnosed) but very much fits the criteria.

I would say the vast majority of conversations we have, he will forget. If the conversation is revisited it's usually met with a blank stare. He has to be constantly reminded of things. It's very frustrating.

I'm fascinated by this because for one relative, it's only in the home setting. He's not like that in work (or, truly, he wouldn't have a job) and he wasn't like that in school so he'd never get a diagnosis. But, it is life-alteringly bad and miserable.

Mine manages his problems at work because he works in a niche area that he's naturally very talented at and really plays to his strengths. He also makes a LOT of notes. If he was working in another industry, I have no doubt he would find it very hard and make a lot of errors.

The problem at home, is that he can't constantly note take when we're just having every day type conversations. Unfortunately for me, this is what he really struggles with and so much is forgotten. He does apologise and completely recognises that he has a problem and does frustrate him too. I put up with it because he does have many other good qualities.

She is still getting a rainbow cake though! Decorated rainbow will be more striking to a 2 year old than a rainbow interior anyway. Also a 2 year old would be excited about any cake.

Also, this. An interior rainbow cake caters to adults who can appreciate the oooohhhh factor. A colourful cake on the outside will blow her mind.

lost all respect for him as I felt that he was just incompetent on purpose. I did try many times over the years to explain how it made me feel to never be able to delegate a task or rely on him for anything important. I did suggest if he needed help , to write instructions down, set reminders but no . Years of this wore me down, was shouty with frustration which wasn't right either and not nice for family. I am now wondering about ADHD and would have at least made me feel thar he was not deliberately being obtuse.

Strategic incompetence is a thing.

Vis a vis a ? diagnosis. What would it change? There still has to be a individual willingness to engage in the memory aids and support systems.

This cake hiccup would normally be a bit of a laugh in most families. as in a dad job, not an issue to complain about. Has he only bought one candle,instead of two as well !!

I did a rainbow cake years ago because I am not very good at decorating but I am a bloody good baker. Nought to do with Instagram, which I don’t have. More for the surprise that the children would feel when they saw it.

I am sure the cake will taste delicious. Decorate it imaginatively and keep the coloured sponge idea for next year.

No advice re hearing, listening and remembering, but it is a common problem.

My irritating birthday cake story was when we had the rare treat of a birthday with grandparents, aunt uncle and nephew. I made my daughter a beautiful cake. My sister grabbed it and brought it to the table and placed it before my daughter as if it was her creation. I was left standing there feeling like a lemon in my own house. It is a trivial thing but I felt deprived of a moment I was looking forward to. I swallowed my feelings and didn’t say anything. There have been many lovely birthdays since.

Sort of depends how he’d react if it was you. If I did that, my DH wouldn’t react at all apart from to say it’ll look great either way. And tbh, even if I fudged stuff he had a vested interest in, he’d be the same. So I wouldn’t worry or see it as indicative of deeper issues.